I Don't Wanna Be Everyones Babysitter.

Dear D.; As a mother of 10, (two adopted and 8 biological) I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. It happens to me ALL the time. Most people not only in the neighborhood, but also friends and family, seem to think that because I luv children and because I have so many and I don't get out much..that whenever something exciting or interesting is going on (mostly weekends and holidays) their children can stay with "Aunt S. or Mom" as most of their children call me. I honestly think I have lost count of how many times parents have actually dropped their children off with me and managed to not show up til the next day to pick them up. Some with my permission..some without. lol. I try to take it all in stride..but I do know that it can get stressful at times. There are days when I just want to ask them if they just ASSUME I have no life of my own. lol. My oldest is 27 girl, next 26 girl, then 22 boy, 15 boy, 14 boy, 13 yr. old identical TWIN boys, 10 yr. old boy, 8 yr. old girl and last but not least.. 5 yr. old girl. Ok..I'm tired just from TYPING all the kids names let alone RAISIN' em all. lol. Anyway..I just keep promisin' myself I'm going to save at least one day a week for myself. Doesn't always happen..but when it finally does.. it feels SO RIGHT! lol. So hang in there..and look at the bright side. When you do get that personal or quiet time you cherish it that much MORE. Good luck with the built in babysitter issue sweetie. That's what we get for being such GREAT MOM's.....
Hugs from a mutual crazy lady with 7 kids still at home..lol
S.*

I would slowly make excuses why they can't come over. Maybe you can say you have a doctor's appt, you're going to go visit family, someone is sick etc... I think they will get the hint after you start doing this more frequently. Just keep in mind if you start to feel bad, they are the ones in the wrong, they are the ones taking advantage of you.

You definitely have every right not to sit for kids that you haven't agreed to sit for. But it sounds like some of the heavy pressure on you is from kids you ARE agreeing to sit for -- particularly the three grandkids. Maybe you could ask your daughter to sit for the whole houseful of kids while you schedule one afternoon a week to take a bath and watch a video, or if staying at home makes relaxation impossible, maybe take a walk or have coffee with a friend. I do think it is reasonable to ask your daughter, who is the most consistent recipient of your childcare support, to give some help back so you can make time for yourself, but on the other hand I am not all that surprised that she hasn't offered. Sometimes kids can tell themselves that grandparents just love the time with the grandkids, or simply think "if she hasn't asked she must be doing fine." So it seems reasonable or understandable that you'll need to be the one to ask for some payback, and I further suggest that you talk about this with friends or write about it before asking so you don't ask in a blaming or pleading way. It is much easier and more pleasant to fulfill a request that is made in a friendly and simple way. It is also more likely to work if you suggest a particular day rather than just suggesting it as a general idea. As far as the other "drop in" kids, it sounds like they may just come over on their own, attracted by your house being such an exciting center of child-activity. That is really tough, because if I were a kid, I would want to play with the nine kids at your house too!! But if those extra kids are a drain on you (and parents in the neighborhood may tell themselves the kids entertain each other and not realize that this is a burden on you), you absolutely have every right to send them home. There are various ways to do this -- you can simply greet stray kids, and their parents if they come by, at the door with a smile and a "sorry -- I've already got my hands full so Johnny will have to play somewhere else." Or if the kid comes by without an adult and they are from nearby, and you really want to put a permanent stop to the kid's visits, you can just take him by the hand and lead him home. Or, if you don't mind having them around when everyone is just playing in the yard, but find the pile up of extra plates and glasses and bodies around the table at meal and snack times a problem, you can just call out "okay, time to come in, my kids--it's lunch time -- everyone else, see you another day!"

As a parent with a high-energy and strong-willed only child who sometimes may be felt as a burden to the neighbors she adores, I find it genuinely hard to know how tight or loose of a leash to keep on my child's visits, because I know that when local kids come over here it is often GREAT for me, but I also know that at other times it is NOT great. My advice, as one of the parents who may be (hopefully unwittingly) dumping their children on you, is whatever you do, when I ASK if it is okay that my child comes over, either in a general way in a chance conversation when we see each other on the sidewalk or a supermarket, or when I come specifically to your door to check on whether a visit right now would be okay, or whether in general my daughter is making a nuisance of yourself, PLEASE TELL THE TRUTH, or at least don't smile and say "oh no, we LOVE having her -- she's such a wonderful kid, she just lights up the place!" when inside you are seething with resentment. I had some neighbors while in Ireland that my daughter visited because she adored their dogs and them, and I was never quite sure, especially because of cultural differences, if I was meant to accept their "no, send her over -- we love having her!" at face value, or not -- so definitely one easy way to lighten the load is whenever someone DOES take the time to ask if you will take their child or more generally to see if you mind how often their kids come over, is to tell the truth and say "well, you know, it hasn't been working for me lately, and I was actually wondering if some days the kids could play over in your back yard for the afternoon so I can get some piece and quiet while I am handling all dad's paperwork -- you know I take care of all of his bills now, and it really is hard to get the numbers to add up right with so many yelling kids in the yard!"

Good luck!!

love,
M.

Hi, D.!

All four of my beautiful children were through adoption, too! We are so blessed, aren't we?! (smile!)

Regarding your situation: We have a neighbor who does the same thing to us. Their son is ALWAYS over here and whenever my kids (who are well behaved according to everyone they've been around) want to go there to play, they are given an excuse. The one that kills me is when they say they have too many people in their house (and it's the same # as us!)

Just learn how to say no! "Oh, you know what, honey? That would be fun, but I just don't think I can handle any more today/tonight. Maybe (your child's name) could spend the night at your house instead!"

It's a compliment that they like you and your children that much, but you have to set your own boundaries... including for your daughter. My mom used to baby sit for us, but we always paid her for it. I don't know how long you've had your last 6 kids home, but you may just have to set "scheduled Grandma play days" with your grandkids... so your daughter won't resent her siblings taking your time away.

Hope this is helpful. Just like the old drug ads, "JUST SAY NO!"

Blessings and love in Christ,
M. S.

I agree. It's hard, but you're going to have to say something. You are NOT being oversensitive. It would be really nice if your daughter could reciprocate , but if that's an arrangement y'all have made....It might be worth a talk, though, to see if it's possible.

The neighbors, on the other hand, are completely taking advantage of you. They're definitely the ones to whom you need to say no.

I am like you and I have found that people don't do what I think they should do out of common courtesy. I must speak up. It makes perfect sense that these people should reciprocate sometimes, but until you suggest it, they'll keep going with the status quo. After all, to them, you would say something if you were not happy. Dont' wait for them to offer. Ask/suggest, or start saying no.

Good luck! It's really difficult, but you do need some time to yourself...or at least, just you and your kids!!!

Just flat out tell them I am sorry but I have alot going on right now and I dont feel that today is a good day. If they get mad and offended then they were never really your friend. Just remind them of what all you are already taking on just with your own family, and just say you need some time to rest and take care of yourself.Dont try to keep everyone else happy if you are not happy. Your health and happiness are more important. I hope this helps. K.

You sound like a wonderful woman and a bit of Wonder Womann!! They do it because you have allowed it. It is really rude to invite your kids to stay at someones house to begin with. With mine they learned early on to please not ask if so and so can spend the night or stay longer when the Mom is standing right there because it puts me in an awkward position. My older two are 18 and 17. Now that I am older and wiser I just say no not today I have alot going on (I have a 5 and 3 yr old). The play dates and elementary is basically here again. I guess what I'm saying is learn to say no it feels really good when you can finally get there and not feel guilty!!!!

You are definitely not being overly sentitive about being taken advantage of. However, you will continue to be taken advantage of until you stand up and say "No."When the neighbors call, tell them today will not work, but the kids are welcome to play at thier house. Sit down with your daughter and explain you feelings. You love her and the kids, but you need sometime for you.

Here's How:

1. Just say, “I’m sorry. I can't do this right now.” Use a sympathetic, but firm tone. If pressured as to why, reply that it doesn’t fit with your schedule, and change the subject. Most reasonable people will accept this as an answer, so if someone keeps pressuring you, they’re being rude, and it’s OK to just repeat, “I’m sorry, but this just doesn’t fit with my schedule," and change the subject, or even walk away if you have to.

2. If you’re uncomfortable being so firm, or are dealing with pushy people, it’s OK to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This gives you a chance to review your schedule, as well as your feelings about saying "yes" to another commitment, do a cost-benefit analysis, and then get back to them with a yes or no. Most importantly, this tactic helps you avoid letting yourself be pressured into overscheduling your life and taking on too much stress.

3. If you would really like to do what they’re requesting, but don’t have the time (or are having trouble accepting that you don’t), it’s fine to say, “I can’t do this, but I can…” and mention a lesser commitment that you can make. This way you’ll still be partially involved, but it will be on your own terms.

Tips:

1. Be firm -- not defensive or overly apologetic -- and polite. This gives the signal that you are sympathetic, but will not easily change your mind if pressured.

2. If you decide to tell the person you’ll get back to them, be matter-of-fact and not too promising. If you lead people to believe you’ll likely say "yes" later, they’ll be more disappointed with a later "no."

3. If asked for an explanation, remember that you really don’t owe anyone one. “It doesn’t fit with my schedule,” is perfectly acceptable.

4. Remember that there are only so many hours in the day. This means that whatever you choose to take on limits your ability to do other things. So even if you somehow can fit a new commitment into your schedule, if it’s not more important than what you would have to give up to do it (including time for relaxation and self care), you really don’t have the time in your schedule.

5. This article has more strategies for finding time if you're too busy.

Source: http://stress.about.com/od/settingboundaries/ht/say_no.htm

These people can't see how you feel. You have to say, "No I'm sorry I can't today it's not a good time." You could say, " Lately I've been so tired, I was thinkng of asking you if you would mind returning the favor." You deserve you free time and a good rest.

D.,

I know its hard but you have to learn to say NO. Be honest, tell these parents you could use a break too. The only way to stop these people from taking advantage of you is to be honest and up front with them. Be strong - for your own sanity!!!

Better yet, get these mom's email addresses, invite them to join this website and see that they read your request and then read all of the responses you have received!

Stand up for yourself! Send these kids home and if their mothers question it, tell them simply that it is not a convenient time for you to have their children over. Do it enough and they'll get the picture.

DO NOT worry about hurting these women's feelings. They obviously do not care how you feel or they wouldn't send their kids over all the time so they can have a break. And do not worry about hurting the kids either, just tell them you are sorry, but your children are unavailable to play. You will be doing those kids good, because all kids need to learn polite boundaries for socializing and obviously their mothers are not doing it.

Good luck!

It doesn't just happen to you. Sometimes, I feel so pressured to babysit for others that I feel horrible. But, you have to learn to say no. You don't work hard at being there for your kids just so that you are there for everyone else's kids.

My momma used to always say - If they have the nerve to ask, then I should have the nerve to say no.

Send everyone a sheet with your baby sitting prices.

"Hello everyone! Since you all feel so comfortable having your children over to my house I just wanted to let you know I'll be babysitting to earn extra money this year. Beginning on (Pick a Date) I will charge $5 per hour or $15 per day per child.

THanks so much!"

:-) My mother-in-law watches my children ONE day a week and I still give her money. She always tells me not to and I always bring something....a loaf of bread and jug of milk, or a dozen eggs, or $10 bucks or SOMETHING.

You are being taken advantage of. You might as well make some money. They will either pay you, or pay attention to their OWN children. Either way you win! :-D

After all - you already raised YOUR children. Those are THEIR kids and THEY are responsible for them.

A. <><

D. - just say NO. You don't have to give anyone a reason why either. You are not working for them so you don't have any obligation to them. If it's taking away from the time that you could be spending with your family then that should reason enough. Good luck!

-W.

It is not your responsibility to watch other peoples children. It is up to you to be honest and direct with about your needs. If you don't mind watching your daughter's kids than say "bring them by Tues and I need to get XYZ done so I will bring mine over on Sat". Be specific and confidant that what your asking for is reasonable. Good luck!

Are you KIDDING ME???!!!!! Honey, you have GOT to learn to say NO -- !!!!!! You are a SAINT !! Bless your heart, I am sure you DO feel like you are ready to explode.
I think your neighbors and so-called "friends" are being very very inconsiderate and thoughtless, however, you need to make it clear to them that, "even though you would LIKE to help them out, you just don't have the time or the space or the energy to handle any more than you already have."
Your priority should be your family, and it sounds like you have already got that covered!! I certainly hope that your daughter realizes how blessed she is to have you.
I am a 51 yr old grandmother of 4, 2 of whom I kept while my daughter was teaching during the school year.
Even though it was somewhat of a sacrifice, I felt truly blessed to be able to keep them. They are now of school age, so I don't keep them any more, and even though I enjoy my freedom, I sure do miss them.

I don't think you're being too sensitive about this, however, if you're not saying no or asking for their contribution in return, then you can't get too upset about it. Let these folks know that you would like an afternoon off once in a while, as well, and see if they won't help.

Wow, you really do need to set some boundaries with these Moms. They might just really not see that you are getting overwhelmed with all the kids around -- and see you as a babysitting angel. Which even though you are -- even angels need a little support.

So -- here are a few facts to arm yourself with... If you were actually running a day care, you would be required to have an assistant for anything more than about five children. You are already doing double what a licensed professional would do, so it may not be good for the kids to have too many additional children around (unless some of them are older ones who are helping you babysit the younger ones).

I would just ask some of the parents who call and say that their children want to be at your house (which is probably because you are so much fun for them!) if it would be okay if your child went over there that day to play. If you don't let the parents know that you also need some help, they will never know that they need to offer.

Good luck! And you really are an angel for your daughter, your adopted kids, and these other women.

I have 7 kids myself and 2 grandkids. You are in control of this situation. SAY NO to overnight stays and tell the kids to go home that are not yours. Have your kids start going over to these others homes when their parents are home too. you make it happen or do not let them come over anymore. Simple as that. It is hard to do cause you have so many kids everyone feels what is one more. Do not be the babysitter if you do not want to be. As for your daughter--ask her to take some of your kids sometimes--not all of them cause only super moms can handle many kids at one time. I consider you and me super moms. NEVER time for us unless you DEMAND it.

Dear D.,

I know how you feel. My daughter invites her friends over all the time and not once has any of the other kids asked her to stay over. I don't have a load like yours, but I do think that you need to set limits. Sometime having friends over is a benefit. They keep your kids occupied, but we all need a break. Maybe on the days that you work your kids are not allowed to have anyone over. As for your daughter, ask her if one or two nights a week that she takes the kids for a couple of hours so you can have "ME TIME". She doesn't pay and this will be more than money. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY NO. You are a better you when you don't overload yourself.

You've got to put your foot down. It won't be easy but do it. You are being used.

Hi D., what a very special person you are to be able and willing to keep 9 kids on a regular basis, adding all those other neighbor kids is just plain crazy if you ask me. I had only one child and was very selective of who and how often he could have friends over, so I can't even say that I feel your pain, I wouldn't know where to begin! I think that you have to be the one to set these boundries for the other kids coming over! You almost can't blame these parents for sending their kids to that wonderful neighbor who has all those kids over but yet always lets more kids come over too! I can't even imagine your grocery bill either, or the caos that must be daily life in your home. My house is quiet and I feel like I need that quiet or I go crazy! It is time for you to just say no to the kids or their parents and i would say as some other posters suggested ;to offer to let the child that they wanted to visit go to their house instead! And I have to say that your daughter is taking advantage of you as well! She should be either paying you, or at least taking your kids on the weekends.(I assume that you watch them during the week when she is at work?) And if not, if she is at home or running errands then she is really taking advantage! Honey if you don't stop this nonsense and get some down time you are liable to fall ill, and then who will take care of your 6 kids??? You are not selfish to only take responsibility for your own children, thay are the ones that are selfish and taking advantage of you! Put an end to it and make it an immediate and clear end, don't make up excuses like some posters said, you don't need excuses to tell someone that their kids can't come over. just say no, if they are rude enough to ask why, then tell them that you have enough to handle and you feel like everyone is taking advantage of you, and it is going to stop here and now! They will be sorry that they asked and that they took advantage in the first place, because now their free dump off location has closed! Best of luck, and remember that you have the right to put an end to this, and only you can do it, if you do nothing then you have only yourself to blame!

Kindly say no and if the don't get the message then firmly say no.

I agree you are not being over sensitive. It's time to set some guidelines. If there are too many kids over and they are driving you nuts, send the extra ones HOME! Don't be afraid to say NO, it's not a good time etc.

Maybe set some times where the kids play outside and the nieghborhood kids are welcome. After the time period ends send the extra kids home and bring yours inside for some other activites such as crafts or quiet time (reading, movie etc.)

I'm not sure if you have a structure to your kids and grandkids days, but developing a routine may help. For example (just as in a daycare) you could have free play in the morning in or out. Lunch, then quiet time for a few hours, then some more free play. You could also designate a craft time. Have the older kids help the younger kids.

I know it sounds like a hassle but taking some time to plan things out may save you some frustration and wasted time later, and then you will know what the good times for the neighbor kids to stay or go.

Just a thought!

Another idea is if you are friendly with the nieghborhood parents, try talking to them. Ask if you can switch days where the kids play (at least the older ones) to give you a break. Some of the parents may not realize just how many kids are gravitating to your house.

Hang in there and don't be afraid to set some limits!

D.,

I am SO sorry that you are so distraught. I imagine some of what you are feeling is a response to a having a parent in a nursing home and what is called "caregiver burnout." There are some great eldercare counselors, services and support-groups available, so you might check into those options.

You do need to get the whole situation resolved before you act out in an angry way that has lasting repercussions. Of course, there ARE factors here that you cannot control, but I believe there are things that you can do differently. So, I offer the following quote from Olympia Dukakis in the movie "Moonstruck" with a smile: "What you don't know about [people] is a LOT." You say:

"All the moms in my neighborhood and some who don't live here, SEE absolutely nothing wrong..."

"... can't they SEE that I'm already busy as a bee ..."

No, people don't SEE. And other people are not supposed to be mind-readers and respond in a way that meets our needs, when they are not given guidance/feedback. We help others "see" our feelings when we verbally communicate what is going on inside our own heads and hearts. In truth, people don't "dump on" other people who graciously and clearly express themselves and set parameters for their own situations.

I feel that the reason that you "literally have no time to yourself" is because you have not (clearly, or at all) expressed your desires, feelings, and needs to family members and friends. Provided that you get control of your anger, expressing your own needs CAN be done in a way that is NOT self-centered, self-serving and egocentric. Please forgive me if you ARE providing them with direct communication so that they know how you feel, but do you SAY things like:

To your own grown children: - "I'm sorry. I can't keep [grandkids] three days a week this summer. My agenda is FULL. You need to look into additional (or other) childcare." Then, if you wish, you can provide some options - BUT ONLY IF these are options you can live with. For instance, many grandparents LIMIT the number of their grandchildren that they will keep at one time. You might offer to keep your grandchildren ONE AT A TIME and say, "You will only need to find care for (the other) TWO (if you choose to keep just one of the grandkids, you may want to rotate among them or find a way to the two not chosen to feel "special" to grand-mom.) Also, you did not specify whether your current "all day care, every other week" is 5 days a week but that is what I am guessing. So perhaps you could suggest an altered schedule - 3 days a week, every other week, or half-days instead of all-day, or even one full week, once a month, etc.. The point is, your own children did not HAVE their children BECAUSE they had a built-in babysitter. Responsible parents (meaning your grown children) must be prepared to PAY for outside childcare if they personally maintain schedules that preclude them from caring for their own children. It is fair to ask them to do this, either in part or on the whole. And if your kids object, remind them (sweetly) that if the circumstances don't change for the better, you COULD have a physical or emotional breakdown that renders you unable to provide them with ANY assistance.

I don't know what ages your "at-home children" are, but they need to be contributing to the house-care, both for your help now and as a GIFT to them for their future. Set up individual responsibilities, such as stripping beds and gathering towels and getting them to the laundry room; hanging up clothes; dusting/polishing furniture; cleaning the bathtub or shower (at the time they get in to use it), mopping floors; running the vacuum, etc. Yes, it will take some of your time, used differently, to teach these skills. But if I had six adopted children at home (you were party to this decision, I hope?) I would absolutely have a PLAN to engage them in making house cleaning and maintenance FUN. By doing this the right way, you will provide them with life skills that they will thank you for.

You are NEVER required to allow a child to spend the night (or day) at your home if it is not your idea! And, it is absolutely necessary that you EXPRESS the fact that you cannot be responsible to the safety and well-being of children that you did not invite into your care. So say:

To the neighbors: "As you know, I have six children to watch over. I have an extremely full schedule right now, and I simply cannot be responsible to your children in addition to my own. I appreciate your understanding and finding other places for their care." You can add any details if you wish (because you have legitimate obligations with your dad, grandkids any your own kids) but it is NOT necessary to provide rationalizations to others. If you don't feel up to the task for any reason, just say no and ask for their understanding.

Lastly, to your hubbie: Perhaps you need to reevaluate what your part-time work responsibilities are. Sit down with your husband in a healthy and loving way (I recommend after his favorite meal and just prior to good sex - lol) and discuss the business needs. Try to arrange your contributions in areas that you enjoy. And see if the schedules of what you do can be streamlined to make this task less stressful.

I do not believe that you are being "too sensitive". But I do believe that the problem is not the other people and your family members; it is with you. It sounds like the way people treat you is in response to the way you have "conditioned" them to respond. If the ability to verbally express your needs is not one that you have cultivated, you may want to see a counselor for a "few sessions" to learn to speak up for yourself in an appropriate way. Life will get better if you do so.

Perhaps the following scripture will help you smile: Proverbs 28:1 "The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

May God Bless you with boldness!
K.

Hebrews 13:6 - "So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

You are not being sensitive and you deserve some much needed rest! Nine kids??? What are they thinking?? If they ask if they can stay the night, simply say tonight's not a good night and tell the mom that maybe you can get the kids together some other time. Your daughter, on the other hand, you could ask her to take some of them once a week to the park or something. I have fallen into this trap, where I have been the self sacrificing mom, and I have used the self sacrificing mom. You will know when it's too much and you can ask others for help. It'll be awkward at first, but you'll find that if you ask for help, most people will. If they don't, well then they'll also understand when you don't. Give yourself a break!!
Enjoy!

Hi D.,

I recommend that you communicate with everyone to let them know how you feel. Sometimes you have to just say what your feeling and mean it. I know sometimes we as women don't want to say "NO" but there comes a time when you just have to do it, to keep your sanity. Also keep in mind you don't want the children to think they are bothering you because of this.

You are not being overly sensitive, but you are allowing yourself to be run over. You MUST put your foot down and say no, I cannot watch your child today. Some people can easily spot a softie and take every advantage of them. Being a softie is not a bad thing, but you also have to know when to harden yourself up a little.

Good luck.

If you can't say "no", than Lie - grandkid is sick...company coming...etc... Ultimately, you have made the choice to care for all of these kids. If you no longer want to be in this position, write a note/flyer to everyone either asking for trade-offs or pay or stating you no longer do "drop in care" and for them to make other arrangements - you do have your hands full as it is! Doing it in writing lets you do it easier - no face to face which puts you in a position of not being able to say NO. Hey, you deserve to have your own life and your own time!

Oh Miss D. How I feel your aggrevation. We live in a world where everyone wants everything for free. You have to stand up for yourself. You just have to learn to say no. Your time is very valuable to you and to the children you already care for in your home. Not to mention you just may want to do something for YOU once in awhile.

Take a vacation for a week or two. You don't have to actually go anywhere, but you need to tell all these people taking advantage of you that YOU deserve a break. Then during the "vacation" - they'll all have to find somewhere else to go. When you get back from your vacation you can let them all know that you need a break from caring for everyone else.
Good luck!

You need to talk to your daughter when you are feeling calm and positive and create a situation that works for everyone. as for the neighborhood kids, that's a lot easier! When they ring the doorbell you kindly but firmly tell them "we aren't having company today. See you some other time!" and close the door. Play in the back yard or take your group to the park if playing in the front yard creates the environment where all come running to your place. I have only three, but some days just cannot take extras. We have a very sweet little neighbor girl that I sometimes welcome in and sometimes just have to say no to...for my own sanity! Saying no is harder than you'd think, especially for a very nurturing and giving person like you, but it's part of taking care of yourself so you can be there for your kids. Think of it this way, when you have to say no to something, you are really opening up a yes to something else! It'll get easier with practice!

D.,

It does sound like you are overwhelmed. You should talk to your kids and tell them how you feel. Maybe work out a schedule where they come over only once or twice a week. Everyone needs "me" time. I think they will understand.

Just say.... NO... its not convenient, I'm tired, I'm busy, I don't want to watch your brat when you never reciprocate....

LOL :) thats what I'd do...

And if watching your grandkids is a burden, then tell your kids too... its NOT your job... My mom spends SOOO much time watching my brothers two kids, I feel bad for her. She and my dad are finally retirement age and now they're stuck pretty much raising their grandkids. Sure, they love the kids and love the closeness, but I know that they don't feel appreciated and could surely use their own time and space. My husband and I pay for sitters and only use his sister or my mom when they ask to spend time with the kids, to me it is imposing on them to assume that just b/c they're family they WANT to keep our kid.

Hi D.-

While it is unfortunate that these individuals don't see that they are taking advantage of the situation, I'm guessing they think you enjoy the children being around since you haven't said, "no". The next time a parent calls or the child just shows up and asks to come over, if it's not convenient, simply say, "today is not a good day, maybe tomorrow" (or whatever day works for you). Also, you mentioned that they are not offering to have any of your kids over, but have you asked? Perhaps if you asked them they would reciprocate or at least they would get the point that you expect them to reciprocate and they might think twice about sending their kids over all of the time.

Now, as far as your daughter goes that's up to you. I personally think it's a lot to ask grandma to babysit 3 kids on a regular basis for free. Sure once in a while most people call on grandma to babysit and don't expect to pay but when it's being done in place of paid daycare I think that's too much to expect unless it's something that you simply enjoy doing and have offered to do it for free.

Good Luck,
K.

Well D. it is plain and simple just be assertive. There is a way to be completely assertive without hurting anyone's feelings. Just let them know that your house is not the local day care and that you are not the day care provider and start saying "NO" sometimes. Believe it or not people will appreciate you more when you just let them know how u feel and as far as your six you have at home. Why not get them involved in a local YMCA summer day camp that way you can have more time for yourself and if you don't have your own at home all day people will be less likely to send their kids to you. Take Care and Take Time for yourself.

I know exactly what you meen. you just have to start saying NO. You need to talk to your daughter and have her watch her younger siblings at least once a week for at least 4 hours so you can get some time to yourself.

When I lived in an apt it was like free daycare around my place. When meal times rolled around I was always feeding extra kids. Most of the kids parents didn't even ask their kids were just there and I tried to send them home they would say "my mommy is not home" How can you ask a kid to go home to an empty apt.when you are feeding your kids.

Once you start saying no they will find other free childcare.It is really hard to do but you really have to stand your ground.

Hi D..

Okay...here goes:

You are very plain spoken in your request even down to asking for the "truth--please". It's time you be plain spoken with all these inconsiderate people who are taking advantage of you. Your kids deserve to be with their mom who is refreshed and enjoying the time she is privileged to have with them. You seem very upset with the arrangement you are currently in so you need to change it for yourself and your children. SAY NO! When moms or their children ask if they can come over SAY NO! When a mom dumps her children off at your doorstep, send them home. You have a responsibility to your own children and not theirs. Stop being a pushover. You have done a great thing by adopting these children. And your reward is enjoying them. I’m not hearing that in your request, and it’s no wonder…your fed up! I also think it is unreasonable for your own daughter to dump her kids off on you, too. You have your hands full and it's time you stand up for yourself and get on with the life you’ve made with your own.

HTH

hi D.,
this is just awful what your family is doing to you ,,i think you should just post a small sign on the door ,,, posting your rates for babysitting,,at bottom put trading out may be worked out . and see what kind of results you get
good luck L.

Wow...it sounds as if these parents do not realize your delemma. It also sounds like your house may be the fun house on the block. When u need a break, I would just tell the kids as they come over "not today guys, it is crazy around here, why don't you kids go to your house instead?" Eventually everyone will get the point when the neighbors kids do not get total access to your house and you do not have to say a word of explanation to anyone. As far as your daughter goes (and your hubby as well), maybe ask them to babysit while u run much needed errands or see a movie. Maybe u could arrange with them a specific time each week or so...u probably deserve it.

I don't blame you for wanting a little time to yourself! It is not your responsibility either! Next time a child should migrate to your house, or a call comes through, either walk the child back, and say "Have a great day, at home, or tell the person on the other end of the phone, I'm not available today!

Good Luck

There was another thread similar to this recently. I haven't been able to find it yet, but one of the responses mentioned an actual daycare LAW about having too many non-related family members in your care. I don't think you're being sensitive - really. Have you (or those parents) considered liability if something were to happen to their children under your care? I don't mean to suggest that you're not taking good care of them - but kids are crafty and can always get into trouble. I'm speaking of the non-related kids, but it sounds like you need a break once in a while from your grandkids as well. I really think you need to cut the neighborhood parents completely off. If you want them to come again some day, that's cool, just make sure it's on your terms. There is absolutely no reason that you need to be responsible for your neighbors' children. Good luck! You sound like a saint:)

Hi D.
No, in my opinion you are not being sensitive. My neighbore and I have a very similiar situation with a family down the street. There are 3 girls9,5,and just turned 3.
For everyone other than your daughter set limits. Write them down so that nothing can be misunderstood, and make few exceptions.
For your daughter it's kind of a different situation.
If she is mature enough sit her down and explain. If she isn't mature enough. Maybe just hint a few times too see how she reacts, and work from there.
Good Luck.

Go look in your mirror and repeat out loud, "NO" point your finger and do it. How ever many times it takes. Now go to your neighbors and do it!!! You can always say you have plans, its none of their business if it's your plan to stay home!!! Enjoy your children, plan a spend the night over, don't let them think its ok anytime!! You are busy!!

It's surprising to me and shows a lack of sensitivity seeing that you already have a houseful with your own children and grandkids. Your kindness may be being taken advantage of. How do they expect you to properly supervise all these children? Learn the art of saying no and find a way to tell them it's been a madhouse with all the children and it's taking a toll on your nerves. They'll take the time to ponder and get the hint. Good luck sweetie!

While I can understand your frustration, I think you are the problem here! Learn to say "Go Home." and "No." Your husband and six children (at home) need you to learn boundaries. And it's important for your own mental health! Might be an "out there" idea but, try hanging a sign on your front door (and notify the neighbors) so that when they see the sign it means you are unavailable to traffic! Also, it's unfair to expect anyone to "see" or read your mind. You have to speak up and say "Enough is enough!" But...I think you already knew this...or you wouldn't have asked for "truth-please." :-)

You don't need to explode. You must simply so, "No". Then, stick to it. You have NO OBLIGATION TO KEEP OTHER FOLKS' KIDS. This includes your grand children. I wonder, are you allowing others to disregard your feelings and take you for granted? You have the power to say, "NO, NO, NO, I'm not going to be your doormat anymore!" Do it now, before you totally lose control--something a busy mom/wife like yourself simply doesn't have the luxury to do.

Dear D.,

You probably have a good heart and are easy going, but people will do to you what you let them. There are times that some of us need speech therapy and have to learn how to say, "No". (Not in a mean way, but in a way that shows that you are no longer going to be taken advantage of or for granted.) You are a busy woman and you need to dedicate some time for yourself and your immediate family. Just let folks know that they need to call before coming or dropping off additional responsibilities for you because you may already have plans. Make your plan a plan to relax and reduce your workload to a level that you want to handle, not what you can handle. If you don't reserve your time, other people will certainly take it if you let them, (while they relax and think nothing of imposing upon your good nature.) You have to speak up and set your bounds, or others will trespass all over you.

Good luck on your bound-setting. G.

You need time to your self. Tell everyone that since you never have any personal time with all the children you watch for free that you are going to now stop watching children. Let them know you are not a babysitting service that you are truely feeling used. Let them know how you feel. No one should dump their children on you for anything unless it is a life or death emergency. This includes your daughter. She needs to learn that if she wants you to watch her children then she needs to return the favor. you watch hers one week she watches your the next. And if the children in your area come over tell them that they can only stay for an hour or two or not at all. I hope you get your relaxing time back.

Tell them exactly that...

You don't have time and have enough of your own to deal with.

I think it's time for you to tell everyone, including your daughter, exactly how you feel and that it is time for the people that you have been sitting for that they need to help you out sometime or you just can't help them anymore. I was in the same place you are and now I only keep 1 grandchild after school. If you don't tell them now you will blow up and then you will really hurt some-one's feelings more than you intend to.
You will feel better about it all,and stick to your guns and don't let them use you any more.

You're absolutely right!!!!

My neighbor lady does this exact thing. She is the fun one and loves kids. But she complained to me that she dosent want to take care of these kids all the time. So I stoped bringing my baby boy over so much. When she wants to babysit him and get her baby fix she comes and gets him. She still has all the neighborhood kids comming around. See I thought she liked having all these kids because she never said any different. You need to speak up and not just give hints. Or you could also try getting all these kids to pitch in, try weeding the flower bed. You know make it not all fun and games but a bit of work when they do insist on comming by. The kids will start complaining they dont want to go over to your house. Good luck and speak up!

I hear where you are comming from. I have a sister in law who does the same thing to me. As long as she dosent have to deal with her kids she dosent care where they are, and they are always at my house. My daughter is nine and is the only child at home so she gets loney sometimes and I will let the kids come over but sometimes it is 10 at night before she calls for them, If i feel too tird to watch them I will flat out say no she cant play today. You having six at home already they cant be loney, so I say if you feel like it and have enough energy then OK but if your tird and the kids get in the way of cleaning be strong and say NO is NO.

D., I agree with all the responses about setting limits/times and you have a lot of ideas that will help you in the situation.
Have you thought about doing what alot of families do that have a pool? They have a flag (it can be something that you and kids can design together) that they raise when guests are welcomed. When it is NOT flying, the pool is closed. When making the flag, you can discuss that you are going to leave it raised for several days right at first, so that you can get things organized/done. Also tell the parents about the flag personally and in a letter that also states that you are not a licensed day caregiver, and that you need to limit the number of friends that visit since you already have 9 in the house. Also offer to exchange kids, you will let one of yours come to their house, and one of theirs can come to your house, and you will still have the same number.

Hi D.,

Saying "No" to others is saying "Yes" to yourself. You GO girl! jenifer

You definately need to set up some boundaries, even (especially) with your daughter! There is nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry, not today/tonight", even if it's to these other children whose parents may think it's harder to say no to a kid. (I am assuming that these other children are your kids' friends?) You don't even have to give an explanation if you don't want to.
Although my own daughter is too young to have friends over, I can definately remember my own mother setting limits on that activity when I was young. It's a physical, mental, and financial stress on you to be dealing w/ 9+ kids! (OMG!)On a regular basis and you are totally within your rights.
You might also consider asking some of these parents to reciprocate. Good luck!

Hi D.,

You have to be the one to set some boundaries. And that is easier said than done... But, you must start somewhere. First with your neighbors, then with your family. They will all start to see a clear picture of what is going on. They probably think you just don't mind at all. Remember, you have to do something about it, and it doesn't mean you are not considerate of other's needs. They are not being considerate of you!