How Do I Get Other Parents to Recipocate for Playdates?

Next time you ask for a playdate, say, where should we have it? Maybe they aren't comfortable having it at their house, or there are other kids, and just too much chaos. A park might be a good location? For me, my son's friend is in a huge, lovely house with a great big backyard. We are in a smaller house with baby stuff all over. It took me awhile to get over myself and just invite them over.

We are always the family that has the sleepovers, the playdates, the parties -- it is not unusual for me to have 3 to 4 extra kids any given night at dinner (school age kids, not toddlers). Most of the parents do not reciprocate, but I would actually rather have my kids (and their friends, who are all wonderful kids) at home with me -- especially as they get older -- so I can see what they are doing and spend time with them. So, even though every once in a while I wish someone would reciprocate (and will occasionally rant about it :) I really see it more as the better way to keep my family close and get to know their friends well.

you can't. Many moms don't like having other kids in their home. The downside is less time for you. The upside is that you can keep an eye on your kids, and as they grow they will bring their friends home because they know you don't mind........an even better time to keep an eye on them.

k

It is polite to reciprocate, but you cannot "get" someone to do that. You can't control someone else's actions, it is their decision whether or not to invite people for playdates at their home. They may have a reason that they don't invite people over (embarrassed that the house is messy? busy running older siblings to scouts and soccer after school?) or they simply don't like having people over - and then it's your choice whether to keep inviting the kids or not. If you dont invite them, and you see the parents and they comment on the kids not having gotten together, you can say that you're having work done on the house or something and not able to have people over right now - and see if they get the hint.
My youngest is 11, and he has a friend like this. The past few years, the boy has come to our house probably 8 times total and my son has NEVER gotten an invitation to this boy's house. I don't know why the parents have never thought to invite my son to their house but I've decided not to deprive my son of social contact with a friend who he enjoys over this issue

I've had to learn this the hard way and realize that people are just very different from me, and a lot of people don't like to have people in their house, but you better bet they will come to yours in an instant. I recently had a neighbor call me and say " "A" sees "J" outside playing, and wants to come over, is that ok?" Of course I said yes, and "A" isn't even nice to my daughter. I had to take her back home 2 hours later to find the mom taking a nice leisurely nap. lol. "A" has since been over a dozen times, and we've never been invited over once.

Some moms are very self involved and aren't ever going to reciprocate anything. I would suggest you plan playdates outside of the home. Chic-fil-a play area followed by lunch, or a park, and pack a lunch. Moms seem to be much more willing to meet out than in.

If you invited a child over to your house and the other parent knew you expected an invite in return, they might say "no" in the first place. Then you've deprived your child of a playdate, because the other family couldn't reciprocate. Do you also give gifts and expect one in return? I often have my girls' friends over, but never EXPECT a return invite. It makes me happy to see my girls happy with their friends - and I get to know their friends, too. If the other parent then has my kids over - GREAT! But if not, so what? That won't stop me from having their child back to my house if my girls want another playdate. People all have "stuff" going on in their lives and sometimes that makes it hard for them to have other kids over (for many years, I was like that - baby nap schedules, activities, family visiting, I was JUST TOO TIRED, etc). Every so often, one of my girls will ask "why can't I go over to HER house?" I'll tell her "because you weren't invited, would you like to have her over here to play instead?" I would never hold it against other people, I would just be happy they've raised such lovely children that my girls want to invite them to our home over and over.

I've never expected reciprocation. In the long run it usually evens out anyway.

I have 1 child, kids love to come here. It is easy for other parents who may have a fuller plate with 2+ kids than I do. Maybe they don't have the room or area in their house that they feel is ok for playdates.

My house and yard is very fitting for kids. Some people do not have a good set up for playdates.

I don't think you should take it personally....consider all the factors involved... space, capability (some moms can''t handle it), schedules, etc.

If you do have expectations of everything equal.....make that clear so you are not holding grudges against someone and they have no ideas why.

I work fulltime and have 3 children. I am thrilled when they are invited for playdates because they love it. I do try and have others over now and then, but it is very difficult. My son is older now - so it's a non-issue, but with my girls - it requires work and attention from me for them to have friends over. Even if I setup play areas for them - there is need for me to be around, supervise, clean up, get things, etc. To be honest - I don't have that kind of time. With homework, sports, keeping up a house and my job - playdates aren't my priority. When I have an afternoon free and I want to, then I will let them have friends over. But to be honest, if I have 2 or 3 hours free for this - I'd rather plan a family outing.
I appreciate when they are invited out, and my kids are well behaved. I just don't feel obligated in return.
Even if the moms are SAHMs - I don't think it's fair to assume that they have the time or incliniation for this.

Hi, C.:
Nowadays, people have their own lives and have their own
friends. That means they are in their own world.
You will need to learn how to enjoy your children and your husband and
get involved in their lives more.
Even older people are the same, they have their own lives and many have no room to let others in.
This is human nature.
Don't feel bad, just learn to deal with it by taking up classes or courses to
meet people or join a support group.
Good luck.
D.

In a perfect world people would reciprocate but we are far from that. Expecting people to always reciprocate is going to set yourself up for plenty of grief and frustration. You need to control what you can control and not try to control other's actions like some people suggest.

If you are able to have a playdate then I say go for it. It is a win-win situation all the way around for you. Here's why - 1) Your kids are benefitting from the social interaction 2) You're getting a little break from being the kid's 'sole' entertainment 3) You are getting to know their friends which I think is invaluable 4) You are aware of what your kids are 'up to' since they are at your house 5) You are the place that their friends will remember as open and welcoming which could pay off ten fold as teenagers 6) You are making a difference in another child's life. By being an open and welcome place for the kids you might just be that parent that the kids turn to in their teenage years when peer pressure really sets in

I think you should look at all the positives and forget all of the negative resentment. I am sure the other parents wish they could open their home more. It is not a personal affront against you or your children that they are not reciprocating.

Remember all of the good that you are doing for your children and let that be enough.

well, you could try beaming them more ESP messages, but that doesn't seem to be working too well so far.
:)
either be clear and polite about your expectations ('shelby would love to come to your house next week. is there a time that works for you?') or stop being resentful of people who have lives and challenges you don't know about and who can't read your mind.
you may think they don't pick up on the resentment, but i assure you it's coming through loud and clear. much more loudly and clearly than the message you're TRYING to send.
it's really not different for working moms or SAHMs. it's a matter of individual schedules and personalities. you can't assume that just because someone is a SAHM that she has a free schedule.
khairete
S.

If you are looking for even-steven type of a situation why not be up front and TELL the parent that is what you want? My oldest daughter has an arrangement with a good friend...they each take the other parents' child for 4 hours...once a week...the kids adore each other...love spending time together...everyone knows what to expect and each Mom gets for hours of "me time" each week!!!

As a full time working mom of two let me tell ya I rarely have a free weekend to myself let alone time to host a playdate. As it is, I already have this Saturday, next Saturday, next Sunday, the following Thanksgiving weekend, and then the following Saturday already booked with birthday parties, jewelry parties, Christmas parties, holiday events. So yeah, I would ideally love it if I could arrange a play date, but its hard to fit in my schedule. And although, it would be nice to have an after school one, I work until 5pm, my kids eat dinner at 6pm, bath at 7pm and bed by 8pm. And those few hours go by in an instant!

Sometimes parents just don't have the time.

(For the record, most of my play dates are planned with me involved. I usually meet up with the other child(ren) with their parents.)

First, how old are the children? You said they are polite, so they should at least be 4-5 and less than a teenager (lol). If the children are old enough, just have them go over to the house themselves (or with you watching at a distance or even coming with them to the door) and ask to play. If it is you with them at the door then tell the parent who answers that my son/daughter wanted to come play with your son/daughter is that ok? As long as you don't ask (or your children) it isn't going to happen; it is not always necessary to be invited and if they say no, they might get the hint and invite them in the future either way there is going to need to be some collusion between you and the other parents.

My daughter has had the same best friend for the past 9 years. (They are 11). Her friend is constantly at our house for dinner, sleep overs, play time etc. We call her our "2nd daughter"...we know her favorite foods and know her very well. Her dad doesn't like the commotion of extra kids in their house. Their loss. So while I hear you about reciprocity, and in the perfect world, that would be nice, I have her over because I love my daughter and I want to know her friends and having her BFF over makes her very happy. (And like you, my husband works long hours and often is out of town. I work part-time and said friend's mom has been a stay at home mom for 8 of the 9 years the girls have been friends.)

We also host way more sleep overs for my 14 year old son than he goes to...for the same reason. We want to know his friends and we want them to be comfortable with us. This is key to guiding them through adolescence.

Do I wish others would host more often than they do? Absolutely!!! But I've given up being resentful about it, and I think in the end, my kids will appreciate the sacrifices I've made. If not, oh well...I won't have regrets about what I didn't do.

I'm very surprised at all the comments implying you're wrong for expecting some reciprocity bc people have busy lives etc. That may be true sometimes but I think sometimes people are just takers and have no manners. These other mothers must see some positive aspect of the playdates or they wouldn't allow their children to come to your house. So it's not a matter of them just not liking playdates. They just don't like them at their own houses! I've been faced with this too and either have stopped inviting the child depending on whether or not my daughters are really interested or just accepted that it's unfair but I do it for my daughters' sakes. And then I really value the other mothers who do or try to reciprocate (or explain why they can't)...

I wonder the same thing about the families I trust enough to allow my daughter to visit. An hour or two max. Even playing outside. :-)

I suggest you call the moms and ask to set up two playdates, one at your house and one at her home. I had one of my daughter's friends mom do this, and I thought it was a great idea. Just explain that it is so much fun for the kids to be able to host and also fun to be the guest!

As a Mom who never has people over, let me explain - MY HOUSE IS A MESS! While it is clean - I have a dog who sheds and sadly is not always making it to the yard - so I am frequently having to clean up poopy and then sanitizing. Not something you want too may kids around. Also not something that comes up in conversation.

My house is also only minimally child proofed. A lot of folks have a problem with that as well.