Seeking Grandmothering Advise

You could always just tell her that maybe she needs to find another babysitter. If that's the case, she may end up having to pay more - assuming she pays you. If she doesn't then it would definitely be a financial change for them. It's a bit harsh, but nobody said that life was easy. Has you daughter tried having him stay overnight with you? Has she come and picked him up and not been able to get him back to sleep? If not, then how does she know if she can successfully transfer him? Assuming is not always a good thing:-) Just food for thought.

Oh - I'm a 50 year old mom. Hope this has helped.

Hi C.,
I am a grandmother of 4 and single, I will not leave my home and babysiting for no one. If they need my help it will be on my term, if not hire a baby-sitter. My things they will have to spend the night. If my children wants my help they already know bring them to spend the night. I love my grand-children, but I will not inconvenience myself to please my daughter and son.
You do have a right to say NO!

Hey C.,
Load up dinner and go to her house to eat it, and take your husband w/you! I'm presuming they have cable TV or a DVD player; after the baby goes to bed, YOU could have a date night!

I think I'd expect anyone babysitting an infant to do so in the parents' home; it's just so much better equipped (safety, meds, familiarity) to deal w/things that come up than a sitter's house would be (and yours particularly since your children are so much older).

Also, knowing that it's a your daughter and to keep limits in place, just be sure the times you make yourself available to sit are good for you to do so all around. Any friend/other mom/paid sitter would do the same before agreeing to sit.
Best,
R.

Dear C.,
I have 3 children and whenever I have called on my mom to watch her grandchildren, it has always been at my house. I understand your daughter's reasons: having the children in their own home so their regular routines are not interrupted is crucial for your daughter and her husband. The reason this is so important is because when routines are broken, even for a day, it is difficult to get the child(ren) to re-adjust. You say that your home life would be interrupted. When my mom watches my children (her grandchildren), my dad comes along. They order Chinese take-out or a pizza...they share it with my children, watch a little cartoon, play and it's off to bed they go. My mom has never had an issue with this. And, my dad leaves to go home so he can have a quiet reprieve from my mom...for a short time. Your youngest son, at 19 is capable of feeding himself and caring for himself for a few hours. I'm assuming that your daughter doesn't call on you every day. I hope you will not continue to be so hard on your daughter. As a parent, (now grandparent) who raised your daughter who is now a parent herself, you really need to respect her wishes. If it continues to be bothersome for you, then you need to be honest with your daughter and tell her that you no longer wish to help her out. However, I don't believe this is the route you wish to travel. I would strongly urge you to consider how your daughter will react. I am sorry if my advice is not what you hoped for. It's just that I have always had my mom watch our children at my house and if it wasn't my mom and a total stranger watching them, I would still want my children to be in their own home.

Hi C. -

I am not a grandmother but I felt the need to respond. I realize that you want to be part of your grandchild's life however, at what expense are you being asked to do that? I don't think it is very fair of your daughter to expect you to give up your responsibilities to the rest of your family to babysit.

My mom has said to me that being a grandma is one of the best things that she has ever enjoyed. She can spoil the kids rotten and then send them back home. :) I would never expect her to give up anything for my kids. I love her role in my children's lives and often feel bad if I do have to ask her to stay with them. I could not imagine taking advantage of her in any way.

I think that as hard as it may be for you emotionally, you need to put your foot down, just do it nicely. Let your daughter know that you want to be a part of their lives and that you love being able to HELP THEM OUT when they need a date night but that you have other family and a husband that is depending on you as well. The key here is that you are helping them. Not the other way around.

I apologize for jumping in here from the daughters perspective. I hope what I have offered still helps you in some way.

Happy Day -
S. D

hi, i am lucky enough to have my mom watch my son who is now almost 16 months old m-f from 8am-2:30pm while i work and i am the one who feels a little guilty when my husband wants a date nite i plan a "DAY date" that takes care of the sleep issue.
you see i am not ready for my son to spend the nite away from me yet...
at my mom's house my son has his own room with a crib, dresser toys ect. and he is happy to be getting spoiled over there with gram&gramps all day long.
so maybe your daughter and her hubby can do a DAY date. like drop the child off to you at noon and they can go out to see a movie and an early dinner or late lunch and pick the child up by 6-7pm and take him to home to go to bed.
that works well for me and my parents.
good luck
D.

I admire that fact that you want to help your family in anyway that you can. There comes a time however, when you have to weigh the cost to you for helping. While your daughter in law would rather you come to their house to babysit, if it is not convient to you you should say no. It is not good to help others and leave yourself undone. The know the saying to cut your nose off to spite your face. If the parents do not want to stay home and go out then they have to either let the child sleep over, and when they have finished their date go to your house to sleep so they can attend to their babies needs during the night. Or take him home and deal with the consequences. That is not being selfish at all. After all, are you not entitled to a life as well? Or the third option is not to go out until the child is old enough to go to over night sleepovers. The choice is theirs to make. What I think is selfish is guilting you into doing what they want because they want to go on a date.

The problem here is that you are judging the way she chooses to parent. She is entitled to be any kind of mom she wants to be and to have her child on any kind of schedule she chooses. Just as you are entitled to be any kind of mother, wife, grandmother you choose to be. If the two are not compatible say no to babysitting. But try not to say it as a judgement. For example;
"I really appreciate your need to keep junior's schedule as is, but I have a need to keep my routines at home with dad and sis, so I just don't think babysitting can work for me if it has to be at your house."

I am not a grandmother yet but a mother of two. My mother took care of my kids, I would take them to my mothers home because I understood that she also had her responsabilities with her home and husband. It was a blessing that she could and had the time to take care of my children so the best thing to do was to take my kids to her, kids adapt to changes you just need the time and patience. I thank my MOM for everything she did for my kids Jessica & Miguel and me. MOM I LOVE YOU & YOU LIVE ETERNALY IN MY HEART 1939-2005

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your daughter is very lucky to have you near. I have raised two children with no family close by. Our date nights have been few and far between.

It is not a requirement that you babysit for your grandchild, it is a luxury for your daughter. I understand that she has had struggles with getting her child to sleep through the night, but you still have things that you must do to take care of your own house and your husband. There are adjustments that need to be made when your spouse retires.

How about suggesting an every other time situation, if you are comfortable with that? Your house, her house, your house, etc. That way you both are getting what you want.

Again, your daughter is very lucky to have you close by.

Good Luck!

Hi C.,

Remember, that there's no law that says you MUST babysit your grandchildren. That aside, of course we enjoy doing it too! You are NOT selfish and please throw out the guilt!
Sit down and talk with your daughter at a time when she is not asking you to sit- emotions may be calmer then. Your suggestion that the baby sleep over is excellent - they (your daughter and son-in-law) need alone time to be husband & wife without any parental worries - and is a lovely gift from you to them. You are doing HER the favor so set your limits and tell your daughter that you too have a life of your own as much as you are willing to help her out. Once she gets used to the idea that you are there at her beck & call and with her conditions it will be even harder to change. You are so right - expectations are everything.
I'm the grandmother of 5. Good luck!

I agree with what the others have said about this. My parents love my children very much, and have offered to watch them. But I would never treat them like babysitters, which is what it sounds like she is doing to you. As the grandmother, you have the right to ask that the babysitting be done on your terms. This is your grandchild whom you want to spend time with because you love them, you are not a regular babysitter. If she wants to place terms on it, she should ask a friend or hire a babysitter. My mother volunteers to watch the kids if she wants to, I never ask her. If we are going out, I ask my friends to watch them. My mother is not obligated to babysit simply because I am her child.

Is there any way your husband could go with you to babysit? That way he is not alone? In any event your daughter should be greatful to have you help in anyway. Maybe you both could compromise and alternate...Good Luck!

I think all Grandmothers need to set boundries for themselves.
For years we have been at the beck and call of our children because they are are responsiblities. Then they leave the nest and want to be on their own, then when they have babies they want us to still repond to their needs. I would just announce to the family that you are now getting on with your life. Now out the freedom years and your responsiblitys are those of yourself and your husband. And the choose to be with Grandchildren is yours. You can say "No." I know it is hard but look in the mirror and try it once/

Your daughter is being selfish by wanting you in her home (it lessens the work she has to do by coming home to a baby already tucked in and sleeping. What a good deal). However, she will not see it that way - so you will have to point it out. After all she has been your child and has been catered to all these years. She will not understand that your needs have changed.

However, you are right to want to do things that help but in a way that you can also be comfortable doing it and not resentful, which will eventually cause a riff between you and your daughter. Simply put: being in your daughters home inhibits you from being in your own nest doing what you need to do there. It will also deprive your Grandchild of feeling safe and carefored by his/her Grandmother is a space that is hers.

Talk to your daughter - then make a schedule of your own. Decide how often you are willing to go to her home. Once a month - once every 6 months however you what it. Then you decide how often you will sit in your own home. Then insist that if they respect you they will understand. This is their baby not yours. If they want someone to come to the house then they will just have to hire someone and pay them.
That's what I think anyway having already battled myself through Grandparent years. P.

Well I am able to put in my 2 cents being a mother of 2 young boys who doesn't have any grandparents or a sitter around to be so kind to watch my children. I understand her point of view, of course it is much easier to have someone come to your house BUT they need to realize you have your own life too and watching your grandchild is not something you HAVE to do, it's something you offer to do. That being said, I think they need to be thankful they have someone like you to do that for them and if they want to continue to have time to themselves then they need to go with whatever is going to be more convenient for you. As far as the baby and his sleeping habits, it does not happen every night so a night at grandmas is not going to affect his sleep pattern. Stick to your guns and lay down the rules, you are more than happy to keep him but at your home only. They should be thankful they have the opportunity to get away and not be picky about it. Good luck!

it sounds like your daughter is being the selfish one...i know its hard to leave the baby at all (leaving my son at my parent's house kills me but i do not always have an option)...if she cannot work with you on this then maybe she should find another babysitter...one she can pay with money and not guilt.

Grandmothers are not a free babysitting service but a convenient one. Your daughter is privileged to have you as a mother that wants to be babysit her grandson and should be able to compromise. Do not feel guilty. My sons are now 17 and 13 and i have relied on both grandmothers for support all through the years and I am so grateful and appreciative to have them in my life. If your grandson sleeps through the night then their "date night" should be on the weekend and you can have him sleepover with you and they can pick him up the next morning. Each time they ask you to babysit it should be always be on your schedule.Good luck!!

Just say NO.
Or....
the baby sleeps at your house, and they can pick him up the following morning, as long as you are available for that length of time. Your daughter and son-in-law need to get a grip..
Good luck.

I am not a grandparent- but my children will never know my parents b/c they died before my children were born. I say your daughter is lucky to have you around at all.

If she prefers to have someone come to her house and you prefer not to do that, she can hire a babysitter. If she wants the convenience and inexpensive option of asking relatives, she is at your disposal to be available or not. You are perfectly within your rights to set a boundary and stick to it.

If you'd like to help on your terms, offer to watch your grandson during the day. My husband and I enjoy going out to lunch together while the kids stay with my sister or a sitter. This would avoid the problem of disrupted sleep, etc.
Good luck. Remember you are both very lucky to be in this situation at all. I'd give anything to fight with my mom about this sort of thing.
K

Dear Colleague Grandma - If she is so hands on - she can pay for someone to stay with her child at her home. Be available to help out and enjoy time with your grandbaby - but on your terms. Children think that because we are "older" we have no lift - SORRY - I love my grandchildren, but any babysitting is on my terms - unless of course it is an emergency (a true one). Put your boots on and stick to your itinerary. Good Luck! Remember we can't please all the people all of the time ... not even close.

Just let her know that you love your grandson but you love your home-family as well. Tell her you would love to keep baby sitting but she has to bring the baby to your house. Otherwise she can get a baby sitter from her community. I'm sure there are other mothers that could refer her to some.

If you want to, you can let her know that as soon as you take care of your home-family, you might stop by her house to see how everything is going and then go home.

Z.

Your daughter is being unreasonable and very selfish. It is HER child, not yours!! Except for cases of extreme illness the child should be brought to you. As a parent she is going to have to figure things. Talk about controlling, it sounds like that is what she is trying to do. And another thing you don't always have to be available when she wants you to. My Mother and Mother-inlaw where still very active people when I had my children. I just had to deal with the way things were.

C., Hi. I have two beautiful granddaughters and two grandsons. The girls are twins. My daughter and her husband had the girls after trying for over five years to have a child. I read myself in your request. I think that they wand the children to awake in their familiar surroundings, but on the other the child also have to get use to being around you and your husband in your surroundings so the the child will feel comfortable, that if the time comes when you cannot go over it would not be such a social shock for the child. Point out also the fact that she was brought up with you and look how she turned out. As to the child waking up and not going back to sleep right away they can C. the child while he is sleeping!!! Children bodies are different from adults if they are not playing or talkint to the child he will go back to sleep.

Dear C.:
Don,t feel guilty, your first responsibility is with your husband and your family. I think your daughter is being a little selfish. Maybe you can get to a happy medium. if you can prepare a bedroom for your grandson to stay overnight so he can stay over and sleep all night. I think its time to negotiate so everyone ends satisfied, especially you.
Loli

Hi C.
I am a young active grandmother of three and I can relate. I have two girls in college and I work with young mothers as a nurse and parent eduactor. I can understand your daugher's need for keeping the baby on a good sleep schedule. Keeping the baby over night may not be a good thing for them as a couple learning to care for "their" family "their" way, which is very important. There is nothing wrong with them being hands on. It's actually a good sign. Maybe they can get a babysitter on those nights that you are home with your family.
Sounds like they have "expectations" that need to be adjusted.

You still have a family at home with college kids. Don't feel guilty. Explain what you can offer her and maybe once a month you can compromise and go to their house with your husband.

Good Luck. Keep open communication, J. A.

My husband & I are grandparents too. We are both still working, so our time is limited as well. However, it worked well for us when we babysat together. Most of the time, we went to my daughter's house to sit, because it was easier to have all their diapers, bed, food, toys there. My husband was involved with the kids too. If they were napping, then he would watch TV there. It made it so much easier when there were 2 of us. Sometimes the kids stayed at our house. Just try to mix it up & see which works best for the particular situation. See if your husband would tag-a-long so you can still be eating dinner together, even if it is pizza or to-go. This would put less stress on you & make the whole event more enjoyable.

I know you wanted grandmother responses but I am a mother of 2, 12 & 10. My parents are 10 minutes away. First, my parents are not my babysitters. Even when my kids were younger, I had a babysitter. If I was in a jam, like a weeknight event, and my sitter couldn't make it, then my mom would come to my house so my kids could go to sleep and go to school in the morning. Other than a school night, if my parents watched them, I dropped them off. Why would I inconvenience them when they're doing me a favor? I think your daughter is being the selfish one. If she wants her child sleeping in his bed, let her pay a sitter. If that's not an option, and you're willing to do it, she should do it at your convenience.