In-laws and Grandparents

I think this is a new Baby Boomer Grandparent phenomenon. They got help from their parents with us, but now they have to assert their independence from those "rigid old days" and are "too young to have grandchildren." I had this happen when I thought I could go to my parents fro 3 weeks after I finished school--hoping for a big break, sleep and rest. My mom had things to do, didn't want to babysit, etc. Even saying she doesn't do poopy diapers anymore. This is a woman who asked for a grandchild for years. I was truly shocked and depressed with this, but think it is a new generational phenomenon. Any thoughts anyone????

I have seen extremely helpful grandparents and others that have no interest whatsoever. Some have the attitude that they already raised kids. I would find a local Mother's club and form friendships with other local Mom's and maybe you can trade off sometime for appointments. We had playdates every week and our kids were so comfortable in eah other's homes it was great.

I personally cannot imagine not wanting to be with my future grandkids but as a single Mom now I rely more on close friends in an emergency. I feel your pain. I had a banquet planned and asked MIL 6 weeks ahead of time. At the last minute she said her daughter had a school play and she could not come. People are getting very selfish now I think. Find a better source and stop being disappointed in people who will alwyas disappoint you.

Hi Allison, I'm wondering have you asked your in-laws and parents to come over and spend the day with you and the baby? I'm thinking that I might be offended if you only asked when you want a day off. Im a grandma and I know that my feeling would be hurt if that is all you wanted from me. thanks jan

It is not unreasonable as a mom to want a break once in a while or unusual to expect our families to be there to support us. It is a blessing to have your family come help you out when you need it. It sounds like maybe something more is going on. Is it possible they feel taken advantage of or were offended in some way? Your idea of overdoing it and theirs might be different. It is odd that they started off enthusiastic and involved and then it suddenly stopped. Usually uninvolved grandparents are usually that way from the beginning. Why not confront them and ask what is going on? They are depriving themselves a relationship with their grandchild. Not everyone is as willing to share their children with the grandparents as you are and they should welcome that, not push you away. Whatever is bothering them, you should nip it in the bud, before you all alienate each other.

People change sometimes as they age. Perhaps because they were so attentive in the early stages of your baby's life, they feel they have done their duty. My mother was not very cooperative about watching my children but she was always ready to help my sister. Go figure!!! I don't know the answer but I thought I would tell you my experience.

My MIL who I would argue is a very selfish person is the same way. She has a victim complex (always the victim) and believes everyone is trying to get over on her. So in the end we arranged for her to see her grandchildren once a week (she lives about a mile away) and our sitter stays with her so that in her mind she doesn't feel like she if giving us "free baby sitting". Now that she knows we are paying someone $15 an hour to sit with her she stopped complaining.

Alison, Keep asking if you need them for something,,,,and if they cannot watch your child then get a babysitter to watch the baby,,,,,Take an occasional trip to see them as they are a distance away, and leave it at that. I remember when I had my children, my mother said "I will not watch them every week-end and I will not keep them over night until they can sit at the kitchen table and play cards with me" I took my children often to my mom's house but I never asked her to babysit while my husband and I went out and they did not stay over my Mom's until they could play cards with her!!! She already raised her kids and there was no need to raise mine,,,,,That was my job!!!! And as far a getting a few days for yourself??? You have a baby now,,,,,your days for yourself are over until that child is grown (and believe me it goes by fast) Go out with your girlfriends in the evening for yourself, and enjoy every single precious moment you have with your child. Someday you will be a grandmother and you will want your own life and you will have earned it. Don't be hurt by the actions of your parents & in-laws, as long as they know and love your children, that is all that matters.

Funny, I just read an article (in Parents, I think) about this same topic. There seems to be a few things going here...

The first is all the emotions. Those need to be sorted out. The best way to do this is to open the lines of communication. You talked about needing help - ASK FOR IT! No one is a mind reader. You talked about needing a break. This too could be framed differently like the fact that you and your husband could use an evening together or a weekend to work on the house together to make sure things stay safe for the children (We just undertook a huge cement repair on the edge of our pool and we both needed to be able to do the work together. Mom understood and came to watch her granddaughter at our home so that all the care like meals and such did not fall completely on her shoulders). I liked that you said you tried inviting them to join you on outings. If they refuse, express your disappointment at that time. Don't let things build up.

The second thing that is going on here is generational. I have found memories of spending time with my granmother, but it was definately when I was much older (and I am sure easier to handle). My grandmother seemed to always be home and ready for me to visit any time. However, my mom and dad and MIL are both active, on the go kind of folks. They don't seem to be waiting around for the "grandkids". According to the article, this new generation of grandparents feel that they have paid their dues so to speak and therefore maybe resentful finding that we are "expecting" them to help out. Again, this is a communication issue.

Now, as for my own personal experiences, I have told both sides that I want to encourage a strong solid relationship with my daughter. This means not always visiting but phone calls and photos right now. Later there will be arts and crafts and cards. We try to make the "typical" holidays and family events special and get together. We also try to set aside one weekend a month to visit for no particular reason. I have asked that these weekends be alternating - once at home, once at their place - and I ask that when we are together, that I have the opportunity to go out. This may be a joint venture and I always try to end it with somethng fun - ice cream, a park visit, whatever.

Good luck.
~C.

Alison,
People are different - my grandparents were very different from some of the nice people listed here! One set is remote - they lived approximately 10 miles from our house, and would have nothing to do with us. To date, after 40 years of marriage, they have not set foot in my parent's house. Shame on them, yes.

My other grandparents, well, we visited them a lot, and they visited us a lot, but babysitting really didn't happen. My grampy sat for me once when I was very sick (my parents didn't believe in hospitals unless you were dying or close to it :) but that is all I ever remember. My Nana died when I was five.

My parents will come to visit (6 hours travel time), but they will not stay with my son on their own. One reason is he is still breastfed (somewhere, between my husband and parents, they all believe that they can't 'watch him' because of this!) I am teaching him to sip from a cup (my glass, because we actually don't have a bpa-free sippy cup at the moment, and can't FIND one). He is doing fine, I am doing fine, and if we don't see a movie, it is not the end of the world. My other half watches enough videos for me and the rest of the clan as it is.

My mother-in-law won't come visit. She developed an allergy to the dog years ago. We also don't see eye-to-eye on discipline/ punishment. She believes in spanking. I do not. We have gone around and around on this issue, and that was long before I ever became pregnant. I think we're both happy with her choices. She has 24 other grands and great-grands, she's not worried about our few trips (again over 7 hours) to visit. She is a nice, lovely woman to visit, and we are happy with that.

I'm sure after a second year of being cooped up by myself, I'll have a very different opinion, but for now, it is what it is - we can't afford a sitter, and we won't wear out our emergency sitter with a movie night. She's great! but she has her own family and life.

So, best of everything, it is what it is - if it is gas money, then let them know that is why they don't get to see their grandkids; if it is time, let them know. They are fully capable of communicating their schedule(s) with you, and you can slot them where they fit. Smile, and make the most of what you can with what you have. Good luck with that!

I find that people use the word never, it's because they have a very good reason - theirs.

Good luck,
M.

Find a local sitter. I agree that it is great to have family spend time with our little ones, but it shouldn't be a big deal. We all have doctor's appointments or whatever, where is it easier to let the child stay home with a sitter or a loved one. You should not be getting grief. Some people aren't happy unless they are complaining. (offering to cover gas is very thoughtful and help if they do not have a lot of income..kudos to you.) It is very healthy for the child to know that adults other than Mommy can take care of them. It will make things like preschool easier if they learn that before then.

I might be the first to say this, and it might sound harsh but you should not expect anyone grandparents or not to watch your child. When my mother or my in-laws take my daughter its a welcomed break...not an expectation. They have raised their children and deserve to come and go as they please and not have me mad at them because they don't want to take my daughter. That's what their father is here for. If I need a break, have an appointment or anything we work that out. We are not driving to take her to a relative to babysit. I am six months pregnant...I have a lot of appointments and guess what? She comes with me or we work it out, my husband and I.

Have you thought that maybe they were starting to feel taken advantage of and that's the reason why the pulled back? Especially after the comment, "why do you need a break?" That woud be the first thing coming to my mind. How many times have you asked them to babysit versus how many times they offered? They are clearly making excuses not to come. How about asking them to dinner or lunch instead of asking them to babysit straight out of the gate? Or driving to visit them and take them out? People, grandparents or not, do feel taken advantage of and used. It might be over doing it to you, but you aren't retired and older.

My suggestion is to give it a rest, let the situation calm down. Then after that visit them. Do nice things for them. Appreciate them and maybe they will start offering again.

Hi Alison, I do not know your parents or your in-laws so I have no clue why this is happening. On the other hand You have every reason to be hurt and upset. I also don't know their ages but when I had my last 2 my mom was going through menopause and one minute she missed my children and by the time we got there she would send us home!!! I also have friends who are also grandparents and they think I am crazy to be with my little ones every day. Maybe someone told them not to get hooked into babysitting. If it were me I would try to find the words to ask outright "is there something wrong?" Meanwhile I will pray thet you get to the bottom of this. I have a hard time understanding anyone who does not want to spend time with grandchildren. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Ahh yess, welcome to the world of in-laws. There are so many complexities on this front. Many things to take into consideration and most of it is unfair because we(the daughter-in laws)have to figure it out. It has been my experience that it all depends on the temperament and personality of the in-laws you get. Some are more than happy to help always and some aren't. My MIL is the same as yours. Won't volunteer for anything. I stopped asking her altogether and then she gets upset because the kids don't come to see her. As I see it, THEY are the ones that start to build the relationship with their grandchildren. It can not be soley based on you bringing the kids over. You wanna see your grandchildren, get in the car and come over. You can't drive, take a car service, call and say let's have lunch, dinner......something that will bring the family together in the in-laws area perhaps, BUT....it has to come from them. And when they do complain, it is up to you to say something. Gently, nicely, firmly, however you choose to do it, but it has to be said. Once it is said, you will completely see what kind of in-laws you have. Either they will jump to it and address the issue or get all uptight because of the truth in what you have said. It really all depends on who they are as people. It is ashame but I decided long ago to just let it be, I let my children be there own judges and if they want to see grandma I have no problem, I let them build their own relationships with her if they wanted to. The girls opted for a relationship, my son didn't. He was bonded more to my mother and tends to compare the 2. His analysis is that my mom gave him everything, willingly and with love, without him asking and my MIL gives nothing and expects him to "chase" her. He said he is the child and he shouldn't "beg" for someone to love him. So in the end the kids see them for who they are anyway. I know its hard, what with keeping hubby happy, but you just need to be honest with them and let them know what's going on, perhaps they are just oblivious and need some explaining. Don't pay for gas, the fact that you even have to consider that is ridiculous. If it all doesn't work out, just remember, let the kids make the decision in the end. Good Luck!

It's tough when you go through this.
I say to talk to them. It's the only way to resolve anything.
Try to do it gently, they will be in your lives for a very long time and you don't want to cause issues later.
But, something must be said.

Explain to them that it's not that you feel the 'need' for a break, even thought one might be nice. But you want them to have a good relationship with your child.
Yes gas prices are high, but everyone has to pay them. So don't feel obligated to do so.

After speaking to them about it, let them make the next move. Don't call them asking for them to visit or if you can come visit. Let them call you. If they ask why you haven't called, just tell them you were trying to let them have their space and not force the issue on them.

I've had to do this with my in-laws... my father in law would see the kids everyday if he could, my mother in law acts like it's an inconvenience most times. So I let them call us, unless I have something really important to do and the kids want to stay with them. Then I let the kids call and ask if thats what they want to do (mine are older kids though). Dad always says yes, unless they are going out of town.
When it's been too long since we've been up for a visit, he has mom call to see what we are up to and ask us to come up. Again, it's always his idea, not hers.
I don't know why she's like that, but I've gotten used to it.

Whatever you decide to do, know that with or without the grandparents relationship with your daughter, she will grow up happy and healthy as long as you make sure it happens. Let her form her own opinion of them, and be honest with her if she ever asks you about it.

You are not nuts. Moms need a break. If she didn't need a break, she must have been a super power. I also wouldn't drive there every time you were asked. Your husband should support that as well. They can make an effort and if they don't want to then they are not that interested. It sounds like she has a control thing going on. I am extremely fortunate to have parents that help out when they can because they realize how tough it it for young parents these days. Way back then, most moms didn't have to work, now they do. My parents actually look forward to seeing theri grandkids, it doesn't sound like the same case with your in laws.

Hello

No, please do not feel like you are overdoing it one bit. As mothers we take on a lot of responsibilites when a new baby comes along. My son is almost 2 years old now and trust me, every once in a while, we all need a break. It is very healthy for a mom to take some time to herself and do something without the child. I wonder if maybe you have some other family or close friends nearby that would be able to help you out with this. Or, maybe even your husband could take the child off your hands for a day while you clear you mind and get some fresh air. As for the rest of the family, be honest with them when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Your parents will always expect you to be perfect because they raised you so they will expect you to raise your child the same way that they did. Times have changed. Things will get better. Keep your head up and smile :0)

No, it's not 'normal'...but it is common. My dad never sees my kids and he has about as much time and money as God.

It's pathetic...and I feel sorry for you because I have been in your shoes...a day off here and there is magical for a mom of a new baby. DH and I had 3 babies in 4 years...I NEVER get time to myself, and if I do, it's because of a friend who will take the kids...I do have an aunt that helps with appointments, but still...it's not like I ever get out for several hours to do anything for myself.

I wish I could help you...I'm in the Syracuse, NY area...if you're close, respond back and I'd be happy to help you!

It's very hurtful, but keep your chin up...maybe you can get involved in a moms group in your area, or a babysitting co-op...

Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
J.

Have you thought back to why both sets of parents stopped visiting? Talk with your mom about it first and you may get some insight into why this happened. Maybe you were a little new mother protective/ psycho. lol If you can sort it out with your mom who you know and can 'read' so much better it might help you approach the inlaws in a positive way. What was your relationship pre-baby? Did you do things together as MIL/DIL and as couples/family? just a thought

Dear Alison,
A similar thing happened when my children were young. Both our parents lived 45 minutes away. When I sat down and talked to them, it seemed that my parents were "jealous", so to speak, because my in-laws had a pool and I spent more time in the summer at their house with the kids. My in-laws, who were much older, found it difficult to have the kids alone for extended periods of time - like overnight. Neither sets of parents "asked" to have the children, but they loved having them around. Once we talked through it, and decided to be honest with each other, the entire scenario changed - no more animosity.
My husband and I are soon to be parents in-laws for both our children's fiances and grandparents-to-be in the near future. We did a great job raising our children, but one of our greatest fears right now that they are in their 20's and finding their way, is mettling in their lives. We listen, we give advice, and then back off. Should we? You could give me advice.
Communication is the key word. Let your parents know how you feel. Express that you want them involved in your child's life. I'll bet you anything, they want to be, more than you know. I am imagining that being a grandparent is going to be a difficult role.
Lots of luck, W.

My in-laws suck too so I understand. My in-laws live 5 minutes from me and sometimes go a month without seeing my 3 kids, and then they pop in for 10 minutes and get mad when I won't take their calls, or won't change my plans. Why should I change for a 10 minute drive by? They have never watched my children and I will never let them. Trust me, I need a break too but seriously I rather never see the light of day than ask them for anything. She doesn't even come when it's her son's birthday so I'm not expecting grandmother of the year...and my father-in-law has never met my daughter who is 1 and last same my boys 3 years ago.....so the MORAL here is MOST not ALL in-laws suck. I'm sure there are a few. But in the end, don't be a sucker and go out of your way. That just leaves you open to be a doormat...and I understand your hurt, but why would you want people like that around your children? My children have learned at a very early age that just because your family doesn't guarantee that people care about you. They love the family who loves them and treat the others the way they are treated.

distance makes the heart grow fonder. We are the grandparents that always took the child and then there are the grandparents that always canceled. Just give them space, let them ask you. when they make a remark that they never see here, don't try to address it because they won't see it that way, just let it go and say "Just let me know when it is convienent for you to take her and you are welcome to do so. We just need advance notice so that we don't alocate that time to anyone else or other plans. then you are letting them know that you will let them make the next move, but that you also have no intention of denying them time with your child. T.

Hi, Alison.

Someone gave me the best advise in the world. Never hold anything in. It will eat you up inside. They may not want to hear what you have to say. But, it will make all the difference in how you feel. Have you talked to your parents and in-laws and told them exactly how you feel? If you have a good relationship with both your parents and his, they'll understand.

Good luck.

Susan

No, I don't think you are crazy but I do tend to think you and your husband should confront the problem by asking them WHY THE CHANGE in their behavior and do let them know you are hurt by it. They might say what do you mean....and if so tell them...be straight forward and honest with them and bring it all out in the open...
You might not like or you might be surprised hearing what they have to say but remember relationships work both ways...keep your cool and try to clear up any differences. If it doesn't help, or change anything, at least you know where you stand and that you have tried. Don't go into it expecting very much....

I am in the same boat as you. My in-laws are semi-retired and live about 2 hours a way. My daughter is the first grandchild on both sides (with no other likely for a couple of years anyway).

They were at the hospital the day my daughter was born and then didn't see her again for 2 months. Right now, they only see her about once every month/6 weeks. There have been times when they were invited and refused to come or canceled last minute.

When they do come, they are very excited to spend time with her, but are of ABSOLUTELY no help. Neither one of them has ever changed a diaper, helped with a feeding, ANYTHING.... I also might as well be invisible as sometimes they don't even acknowledge I am there once they see the baby. The idea of asking them to watch her or babysit (even for a short while) is out of the question since they have NEVER done any care for her of any kind. They are also "super helpful" with comments like, "It's not fair you got an easy baby since _________(my husband) was so difficult" or "So you are really using a schedule with her?"

Most recently, we have been meeting them about an hour a way at my husband's grandmother's shoebox of a house (with no A/C) an hour's drive from us. Since we have to travel an hour to get there and work around my daughter's schedule (we don't stay over; it is not even an option), when we do get out there, our visits are only a few hours long. Regardless of how long we have been there or what condition my daughter is in, when we have to leave, we have to listen to them loudly complain that "You're leaving already? Can't you stay longer?" The last time we were out there, I had to douse my daughter in a cold tub because I was worried about how hot she was getting in the oven-they-called-a-livingroom. We left a little bit earlier than we otherwise might have simply because my husband and I were both worried our daughter could get heatstroke! That was after my MIL and GrandMIL had a fight over who should get to hold my daughter (who was so uncomfortable and did not want to be held by anyone)! It was really upsetting for me and just so different from how my own family operates.

This is how I have done my best to deal with the situation: I acknowledge that my daughter has a wonderful relationship with her other grandparents and they are willing to help out, watch her, support me at any time that they physically can. My in-laws are who they are, and even though I had higher expectations for them once my daughter arrived, I can't change them. I didn't expect that I would be so much less "of use" to them after having a baby, but whatever, I don't need them as friends/family since I already have both in spades. My husband and I try to foster a relationship with them and my daughter as much as possible, but will not turn ourselves inside out to do so, since they put in a minimal effort at times. We joke about what "comments" we will hear from them when we do see them; it becomes like an obnoxious form of BINGO on the way home. :) AND I try to just focus on the fact that there are areas in which they have been very generous: my MIL routinely buys diapers, wipes, clothes, babybath, etc... and sends us home with a trunk full to the brim. They are not especially warm people and do not have friends themselves. They do not socialize outside of a few meager family holidays. This may be the only way they know how to be involved in someone's life. It does explain all the counseling my husband chose to do after leaving their house....

Hang in there, lower your expectations where they are concerned, focus on what you can that is positive about them and love/adore/cherish the friends and family you have that are not that way. You sound like warm, lovely person; I am sure you have those in spades! HTH

Alison -
I feel quite strongly that you need a break. All moms do. How can you possibly care for your child when you're run down and need a boost? Seems like your in-laws (and your parents?) don't see it that way and that's fine. Don't waste energy trying to persuade them. Can you get a mother's helper or a grown babysitter (personally I had teens caring for my infants but you might want someone older). Check out local day care centers. There are professionals who do babysitting on the side (I have done this myself for the past 2 years!) Or join a mom's group and switch sitting with other moms. Make sure you schedule some alone time for yourself atleast once a week.
Good luck,
Fran

Hello. I just had a similar experience. My in-laws were great in the beginning and then fizzled. My mother-in-law as a matter of fact used to baby sit every Monday for us so I could work. Then, she'd start backing out of that. _That stressed me out b/c I was the one trying to flip a shift so I didn't have to work that Mon. My husband and I would also see how many grandparents would take their grandkids for the weekend, on vacations, etc. Any time we would ask a favor of babysitting--we'd get shot down. So then you don't even want to ask. OR we'd go to family functions--and nobody would pay attention to the kids so we'd be on full duty there too!
I forgot to mention that my Mother in law retired early so she could spend more time w/the grandkids. Now they've openned up a new business and are always traveling etc. I finally had enough. Like you, I wasn't comfortable being around them b/c I was hurt. So I finally laid it all out. What seemed to help was that I e-mailed BOTH of them. I think that my mother-in-law was always trying to please her husband and so he never even knew about the many times I'd asked for help. Anyhow, I let them know everything I was feeling and just wanted to know how we could fix things. I had already lined up a babysitter for the fall so now it was up to them to make an effort. It was the best thing I'd ever done!! I think Grampa realized how little interraction they had. So far, my 2 girls have spent the night and they've made time to visit. I went out to lunch w/my mother-in-law and now if my daughter asks if she can be w/ Grama then she calls grama and asks---1 thing that really bothered me was always saying "No Grama's too busy"--that drove me nuts so now the understanding is that my mother-in-law answers directly to the kids. I told her that I didn't want her thinking that I was pawning the kids off on her either. So sory for the novel--all in all--if you want a better relationship--u have to ask them for it. And you have to directly tell them how it's efftecting you. And NO your not nuts--everyone needs a break!!! Good luck and keep your chin up-J. F

You also need to ask yourself how much you trust grandparents. A lot has changed since they raised kids. A lot! Things you think you could just take for granted that they would know.

Examples: giving baby a bottle of sugar water to calm him/her, leaving kids in car to go shopping. The list goes on. Things YOU would never do!

No you aren't nuts. I'm a grandma and my 3 grandkids live about an hour away. They come down to see me probably twice a month and I try to make it up there to visit twice a month. There are almost daily phone calls and lots of special time planned to be a part of their lives. The other set of grandparents? Divorced and neither ever picked up the phone or even saw grandson #2 until he was almost 2 yrs old.

It sounds like your parents and in laws were thrilled to have a new baby to brag about. It would be nice if they offered to help more but unfortunately you can't make them be caring involved grandparents if they choose not to be. When they complain that they don't see their granddaughter enough you can remind them that the road goes both ways and they are more than welcome any time.

It's a shame because little ones grow and change daily and they are missing out on so much.

Hi Alison,
If the only time you invite the inlaws is to babysit, then yes, they certainly have a right to be hurt. Do you ever invite them over just to visit? I would go this route before asking for babysitting favors. And if they are retired and on a fixed income, driving an hour to babysit may be a hardship.
Some retired people are busy. Also, perhaps there are health/physical issues that make her unsure about being able to watch a baby for the day and she does not want to say so?
As for MIL not understanding why you need a break, then she just doesn't understand. As for why you would have appointments, she is just out of touch with reality. Moms of babies still go to the dentist and get their hair cut. But it sounds like she simply does not want to be used as a babysitter. It's not wrong of you to want a few hours to yourself, but she is not obligated to provide you with babysitting. Many grandparents would jump at any chance to see their grandchild, and especially the chance to have the baby to themselves while mom and dad are out, but some just aren't interested.
I would say to try to invite them over more, just to visit. Try to visit them more at their place. Maybe she would be more willing to babysit if the baby came to her house instead?
Good luck.

uh uh. not "normal" but all too common. what was your relationship like before having the baby? were they more supportive and involved with you and your husband?

it's funny, because for most people our parents' generation, it may be true that they never had nannies and as much complication (meaning, as much to do, the long commutes we now have, etc.) in their lives, and many seem to remember having "done it all myself!" when, in fact, by and large, families were structured much differently then in that there was often immediate and extended family nearby or living under the same roof, one, not two, spouses worked, etc. so when i hear the mantra, "i didn't need help" (the implication, of course, being "so why do you?"), i really chafe at it. (btw, i am a psychologist, and this is not just my opinion, it is actually well researched and documented.) this whole issue about gas money and your coming to them, just seems to me really small and insensitive of them. i don't know if you can turn it around with them, but here is the important piece of that: This is something your husband MUST do, if it is even to be done. It cannot be initiated by you or negotiated in the beginning by you. so what this means is that you and your husband have to be totally in agreement on this and united. You didn't mention how your husband feels aboout this all. Might i assume he is a bit passive in managing his parents?

so the bottom line is, of course you're not crazy. you're incredibly hurt and i guess feeling a little alone, too. i'm a little sorry to say that the best solution is often a trusted babysitter/nanny for 1/2 day or full day outings. you absolutely must have some time to do the things you need to and want to do or you grow resentful. please make sure you take care of yourself in this way.

p.s. it really does take of village, of sorts.
p.p.s. you didn't tell us anything about yourself. where do you live? do you work outside the home as well? how long have you been married?

Hi Alison,
I'm so sorry! First, I want to tell you that EVERYONE needs a day off from time to time. That is normal. Being a mom is tough, and you need time for yourself too. That is not unreasonable. I'm not sure why your in-laws are taking the stand they are, but I will say that another grandmother wrote in a while back. She felt upset because she didn't want to babysit her gandchildren. She felt it was hard on her. She wanted to come for a visit and be around them and watch them play. But, she didn't like feeling obligated to be the free babysitter. I think that is just how some grandparents feel. So, start a budget and get a good babysitter to help you out and plan to just include the grandparents for BBQs. That's my advice :)

This sounds a little like my mother-in-law. She wonders why we won't travel an hour to see her, but yet won't come an hour to see us. You are not nuts to want a few days (or even hours) away from your sweet baby. Everyone needs some down time to rejuvenate themselves. I've also found that with all the grandparents, they easily forget how hard it was with small children until they've spent some time babysitting them. I would just encourage the in-laws to spend some one-on-one time with the baby "to bond." Maybe that will help (make it about them, and not you).

HI Alison,

The old 'We never had a break" comment is old school talk. My mom said the same to me. My response was "sorry to hear that but wouldn't you have wanted it if some one offered?" In-laws are a touchy subject to be left to your hubby. They are his parents and he needs to ask them point blank why they don't want to see their grandchild? You mentioned your parents as well in the beginning of your request but didn't continue. I'm assuming they are pulling the same thing? You have to ask them as well. A lot of grandparents think they raised their kids you raise yours. Which I agree but your not asking to move in with them your asking for a little break. If nothing changes don't feel bad you have a right to feel hurt and it would be a shame for your child not to get to know her granparents but that will be their problem. Try to hook up with some moms you may know and trade sitting time with eachother to get a break. Not knowing what your hubby does maybe he can give you some "me time" and watch your angel. I wish you luck, I know it's tough, you are not complaining and I hope some communication will wake up the in-laws/grandparents. A. B.