MIL And Babysitting

Though that's very frustrating, I would try not to take it too personal. She just may not be comfortable around small children. I would try not to force the issue though, that may just make her resist even more.

Try going over when you can stay to "visit" with your son. If you just need a babysitter, perhaps you should hire one. Your in laws are older now, and should not be expected to babysit for you, especially if they have made it clear that they are uncomfortable with it, or it is too much for them. Some grandparents love to babysit. Others do not. They should not be judged harshly for it. I'm sure your in laws love their grandson and would love to have you visit with him. Sounds like they just don't want the responsibility of being totally in charge of him, and you should respect their wish. They have a right to their free time on the weekends and probably have a lot of errands to do after working all week. Consider the extra burden watching a toddler for long periods is placing on them. I hope you work it out. Good luck.

Hi Michelle,

Nowhere is it written that Grandparents must babysit. I found this out the hard way, too. I won't get into the details, but my MIL/FIL SAY they want to see our sons more, love them, etc. In truth, they rarely call. I send them pictures via email and they never respond that they even received them. They don't offer to babysit and they refuse to inconvenience their DOGS (one with a bite history) and put them away if our sons visit. Needless to day, we don't go to their house.

I think your MIL may just not want to be relied on as a regular sitter. Her life may be full in other ways...work, her 27 y/o daughter, etc. My M. is AMAZING when it comes to my boys. She sees them at least twice a week. Babysits when needed and just last night had my older son (3.5) overnight with her. We are going to AZ in March (hubby and I) and she will be with both boys for the long weekend. BUT, as great as she is...she told me when I got pregnant that she will babysit on her own time. She doesn't want to be counted on as a regular sitter. I totally respect that.

If you simply want your son to have a good relationship with his grandparents, I would suggest not asking them to babysit. Invite them over for dinner so they can spend time with your son and you and your DH there. Go to their house for a visit...again with you. Invite them to go to the museum, zoo, etc with your son.

I'd take babysitting out of the equation.

T.

Michelle,

Your MIL's behavior is really not that unusual. She has raised her children and probably just isn't "into" having that responsibility put on her. It does not mean she doesn't love him deeply and care about you too.

Your parents are just different than your husband's parents.

I have a couple of friends who were not allowed to bring their children to their grandparents homes until they grew out of the toddler stage, party because they were extremely particular about their homes, but also because toddler behavior (the noise, the activity) just made them very uncomfortable - this happens to older people quite commonly.

Please do not take it personally but for you to just assume that your MIL is going to "watch" your child is just a little bit presumptuous on your part. Grandmothers are not automatic free babysitters. Hope that isn't too harsh, sorry to be blunt.

I would only bring him to visit when invited and make sure you are there the entire time and when she starts acting nervous then it is time to leave. The good news is that her behavior toward your son will likely change dramatically when he gets a bit older and they'll be able to bond.

hugs,

W.

I'm sure your MIL and my MIL would get along fantastically! They sound the same. My MIL tells me repeatedly that she "raised" her children and she is not a babysitter - even now that my kids are older and basically take care of themselves. Whatevs, Grandma - don't complain that my kids don't want to have anything to do with you.

Please, do not take this personally. I know it's hard, but this isn't about you or your son - it's all about MIL and her weirdness. Just let it go.

If it were me, I would only see her socially and stop asking them to watch the kid unless you can't get another sitter.

I feel for you, I really do.

Edit: I do agree that grandparents are not automatic babysitters. Some love it, some hate it. In my particular circumstance, whenever we would ask my husband's M. if she could watch the kids, she would always say, "No. I've raised my children." I would say back, "We're not asking you to raise them, we're asking you to watch them. Big difference." I've learned over the years to not expect my MIL to display any enthusiasm for spending time with her grandaughters. What can I expect from a woman who doesn't consider her son's adopted daughter (from his first marriage) her grand child?

Michelle, I could just be that your M. doesn't want to babysit on a schedule. I know that I am that way sometimes lol. I have 3 grandchildren. I love them all. I like to have them when it is convenient for me. I can tell you right off the bat if she works every week on then asking her to sit every sunday is a bad move on your part. Especially if she has already indicated to you that she is not comfortable babysitting. I wouldn't take it personally. Go to visit when "you" can stay. If your a stay at home M. are you needing the time out? A free babysitter? Or is it about making sure the grandma is in your little ones life? If its the last one good for you but do it on her comfort level. Go and visit for short increments and stay while your little one is there. Or have grandpa come and stay to watch the little one. He obviously enjoys it. Or just do like I had to and accept that while he is little she is just not into sitting. And move on don't make yourself crazy over it. life is just not worth the hassle. Not everyone enjoys little ones. I love newborns and I love preschoolers but that inbetween 1 year and 2 years is trying if your not into that age group and a 60+ is pretty old to be taking it on when she clearly doesn't want to.

My father is over 60, my mother is passed. My mother in law is over 80. My father in law is passed.

My father will watch my girls (now 2 and 4) once a month from dinner to late morning the next day. I try to be as accommodating as possible. I am sure to remind myself that he does not owe me anything.
My dad already had some "bad" experiences with my sister- He has become more sensitive about being taken advantage of. I am thankful that I now know what he needs and wants.
He already had children- loves all of us - but he does not want to be tied down or unappreciated. He will commit to a day that we arrange. But, baby-sitting my kids is on his terms- They are my kids-

My children see my mother in law often- but she is just too old to supervise them alone for even 10 min- I should know. My husband took them over once - !! disaster !!- nailpolish was involved!

Your mother-in-law seems frustrated. She is not even finished with the 27 yr old- and now there is a new one. She might be saying- What about me! Does she want to work or does she have to? Perhaps her life did not turn out the way she wanted it to.

PERHAPS she did not much care for toddlerhood when her own children were this age.

What does your husband think about this? He was brought up by theses people. He can help you understand them.

Do yourself a favor and don't compare your parents to his. I have the feeling they will find a niche in his life.
As for your son- he will not remember these months a whole lot- let your mother in-law come to you when she is ready - Maybe she will be there for all his football games!

Is it a babysitting issue?
There are babysitting co-ops. Swap babysitting with other moms. You can meet some really nice moms in playgroups. Check out Meetup.com!!!!

I would ask the father-in-law when and how often he would like to sit for you. Perhaps all they really want to do for now is visit with him for short periods (with you there). It is their life- they are entitled. Maybe just tired of taking care of other people.

Give them some space and visit with them occasionally. Let's have lunch in the mall mother-in-law.

It is good that she is being honest with you. My mother-in-law babysat, once, when my daughter was 18 months. She didn't like it. Doesn't mean she didn't see my kids, it just meant that she wouldn't be babysitting. And why must it be their job to baby-sit? Their kids are raised!!! Personally, if I knew that someone wasn't comfortable with my child, I'd appreciate the heads-up. If you want to make her comfortable, don't have her watch your son. Just visit with your in-laws at your home.

Don't take it personally - it's her quirk. It won't help to try to bond them together. And toddlers REALLY do wear people out - it's what they do! Comparing your in-laws to your parents isn't fair, either. They are different people.

However, I will say, when my kids were older, Grandma enjoyed them. It's just how she relates with kids.

Just keep sending her pictures, making cute little hand prints and, hopefully sooner than later, she may (or may not) want to be part of your son's young life. Yes, it is sad BUT... your son has the opportunity to have a relationship with TWO sets of grandparents; my kids have only known ONE grandmother, who died last year. However, my kids have aunts, uncles and older cousins who adore them and vice-versa!

Life's too short - Be grateful for the people in your son's life who REALLY want to be a presence in his life... don't be negative or hurt about those who are passing these moments by! Their loss. And... they too, may enjoy your son when he is older, and that's okay.

Good luck.

I can relate to Julie's response! If I hear, "I've already raise my children" or "I've changed enough diapers in my lifetime." one more time, I'm going to scream! Since when is watching a kid, once a month, raising them?!?!
I don't agree that you shouldn't take it personally, as someone else wrote. NOW, is when you need the most help and advice. If you in-laws aren't taking part now, I'm under the opinion that they haven't earned the right to see their grandkids! It's THEIR privilege to take part in their grandkids lives. My mother isn't retired yet, and she sees them much more than my in-laws do. She also babysits overnight whenever she can...and looks forward to it! She enjoys it and takes pleasure in it, and that's the way it should be! Give them an ultimatum. It's now or never!!!

My MIL/FIL are the same,I have teenagers and a 4 year old.
My SIL's children are in their 2o's,and even when my inlaw's were younger, they didn't do much with the oldest grandchildren.
They just care about their trips and their friends.I have never received any help,but if you ask they do come, but make you feel weired about it.
They didn't even come to see the newborn 4 years ago, and they live 10 minutes away !!!!!!!!
Lot's of stories to tell.........
I don't have one picture hanging of them in my house,we don't ask them to baby sit ever, anymore,my kids don't care about them at all.We have tried our best,now I made peace with it.But sometimes it gets me angry anyways,especially when I see other people with their grandchildren.
It's really not about babysitting for me,it's about spending time,making cookies, going out for lunch,the zoo,cicus,etc.Never,ever happened.
I was thinking of having an Inlaw club where everybody can talk about their stuff, since they are so many people unhappy about their inlaws!!!!!!!!!!!
It's sad but it is as it is.

We have a 4-year old and a 7 month old, and my parents have NEVER babysat. Not once. They've never offered and just plain don't want to be bothered with grandparenting. They say they love the kids and can't wait to see them, but they don't do any hands-on duties at all. My M. has never changed a single diaper. I think you should just be happy that they'll do it once in a while and go with the flow. I'm hoping that as my kids get older and my parents retire, things will change a little. Until then, I just figure that we'll be paying for any and all child care. It stinks, but we don't have any alternatives. Hang in there!

As people get older, handling a toddler is a lot of work. It's one thing to get to visit with your grandchild, it's another to be solely responsible for them.

I also do believe that they did raise their children, and for some, they have no desire to raise any more.

If I was you, I'd try to let it go. Then I would invite my in-laws to join me and my child on a fun activity. Maybe one way to change the situation is to facilitate a closer relationship without putting the demands of primary caregiver on them. Then, over time, maybe your MIL will feel more comfortable.

I would not be surprised your MIL feels this way. Sometimes as they get older, people cannot relate or feel they cannot handle a young child. The few times my M. has watched my kids-in emergencies-I always detected a little hesitation. You didn't say if you sil has kids but you MIl probably relates to her well because she is an adult. And your mil could still be feeling old because she can be called grandma now. Have you asked her why she leaves ,maybe you can go out together and just spend time with you son? When I visit my parents, I know my M. enjoys the visits but I don't leave the kids for babysitting unless I go to the store or something. Not all grandparents are the type to take them out and spoil-mine aren't.

Maybe she's just not a toddler/baby person. Some people are a lot more comfortable with kids when they can talk and use the potty.

Our family lives out of town, but my MIL doesn't babysit very often even for the kids who live closer - definitely not once a week. I really think that's a lot to ask anyone. Babysitting toddlers is hard work! But why not just let grandpa do it if he enjoys it?

I hope that's all it is and that she'll warm up as a grandma when your little guy can be more interactive with her. My M.'s always been affectionate and tried with the kids but she really enjoys them a lot more now that they're a little older.

Maybe you can sit down with her and have a conversation about it. Sometimes people don't realize they are acting a certain way until it is brought out in the open. Talking with her might clear things up.

Where is your husband in all this? Does he notice the odd behavior?

My MIL had 8 kids and she told us that it was too much to have our kids in her house. This is when we only had 1 or 2 kids.

Some older people just get nervous around toddlers. My parents who are very active, just don't watch and the kids have had some accidents while in their care because they forgot how close you have to watch them. Some moms just move on out of that mode and aren't interested in watching little ones because they feel like they've been there, done that and now it's their turn.

I'm sure it's hard to understand someone having feelings like that, especially if you have friends or other family who are willing to help out whenever you want.

If you want her to spend time with your child, I would arrange some outings and include her with you.

My parents don't watch Connor very often either. They are 62 and 66 and I think that he tires them out. They also both work and have a very full social life and have aging mothers to help. So, I know they love my son, but they might watch him once every 4-6 weeks, but they will usually keep him overnight which is nice. I think once a week is a lot to ask sometimes. Toddlers are very exhausting and our older parents just aren't used to it anymore. I think they will watch him more when he is older and can play more indepedently.

With all due respect, grandparents don't have to babysit. It is your child, and it is your responsibility. It is their choice, not to babysit, if they don't feel comfortable, or they just don't want to. Why not just take your son over and visit with them? I know that you feel that they should want to, but, they don't, and so, you should respect them for who they are. I am not saying that it is right or wrong, it is just that they should be respected for what they can give, not condemned for what they can't and won't do.