Resent Self Absorbed Grandparents

"How do you have a relationship with people like that?"

Maybe you have a relationship by asking how you can help THEM, not by expecting them to help YOU. Perhaps the've reached the part of their life where they no longer feel they need to live for or through their children. Maybe it's time to celebrate them and support them and find someone else to do the babysitting.

Todays grandparents are much more active and vibrant than years ago.
Some still work full time and like to indulge themselves in activities they
enjoy on weekends. You have to remember they have done this already,
and really might not want to do it again. It is just the way it is in 2012.

Seems to me that they knew you weren't going to meet all their requests and this was their way of getting out of having to continue to help you.

I would simply say, no thanks. I just needed to vent. Thanks. Bye.

It's that generation. They are NOT the grandparents of yesteryear. They are seniors who are still working, have interests and quite frankly, never saw themselves as grandparents. Neither of my parents own a rocking chair. ;)

That being said, many of our friends say the same thing. My parents offered to watch the kids 4 hours on Thursday mornings (and not a minute longer). They proclaimed to want to do field trips with them and help with the homeschooling. It ended up that they plunked them in front of the TV, so they could get things done OR drug them around to run errands in the car the entire time. We got frustrated and made some changes so that my husband is home with them - and I work.

Here's the deal. You had an idea of what you thought they would be like and put that expectation on them, but in reality, they are not those grandparents. I know you are SUPER frustrated, but you have to let that go and love them for who they are. They are incapable or unwilling (doesn't matter - same outcome) of being the people you want. Instead of being frustrated, remember IT IS WHAT IT IS and realize they are never going to be the grandparents you thought up in your head.

My parents never watch my kids anymore and we live 7 minutes away. They offer to take them over night every 2-3 months....so we let them....and I had to let go of the vision of a doting grandparent who lived to watch their grandchild. :)

Maybe what your mom meant was, "We can come if you are sure your sitter can't."
In other words, you felt the sitter was an easier choice and it's worked for you, so make sure your sitter can't help you out and if she can't, they'll be there for you.

My mother is a great-grandmother. She loves watching my grandson, but if it's an overnight thing at my daughter's house, there are certain things that help make her more comfortable.
It's not that hard to convert a tub to a shower. You just get a shower nozzle, a tension rod and a shower curtain. As you get older, it can be hard to get up and down in the tub, and, showering a child can be a lot easier as well. My kids loved showers from the time they were very little. It was much easier on me for them to stand in the shower and get washed than to bend over the edge of a tub.
No need to replace the sofa, but perhaps a lazy boy is more comfortable than the couch and if they sleep over, perhaps a bed would be more comfortable than the couch.
I don't know.
I'm not sure it's self centeredness. I have yet to stay at my daughter's house with my grandson. I have to be at work early every day and there is no way I could get restful sleep at her house on a couch. Or, a chair, for that matter. She has a shower, but the little one takes baths and I can't bend over the tub to wash one out let alone wash a baby. I have problems after separating my shoulder and breaking my arm. Being on my knees and wrangling a wriggly little one in the tub and then lifting him out would not be easy on me.

You wanted to vent. You may have misunderstood what was said or how it was meant. I don't know.
I don't think you have a crappy support system.
I just think you have to find a way to make your support system work better for you.
I bet you could find ways to accommodate each other and everyone, including your kids, might be happier.
Accommodating isn't always the same as giving into "demands".

Just my opinion.
Best wishes.

Have you read the expression here on Mamapedia, "One and done"? It's used by parents of only kids to express that they're finished.

I think you may have a case of "one and done" grandparents here. To be frank, after the first grandchild outgrew the sweet infant stage and another came along, they may (unconsciously, probably) have felt they were not up for two toddlers, which is where your family was inevitably heading. A nice attitude? No, but it's theirs to own and not yours to change. I agree with the person who posted that perhaps they came up with their furniture list as a way to telegraph to you that "You need to find another babysitter now." Again, nice way to tell you? No, but they possibly didn't even realize that was what they were really doing.

So, to the advice: Most important -- Do not vent to your mom when you are frustrated. You wrote that you called her while the kids were frustrating you, and vented to her, and instead of being the supportive sounding board you wanted, mom said what she said. So next time the kids are frustrating you, and you start to reach for the phone, call a friend, not your mom; accept that she is not going to sympathize and just offer support. If you call her again to vent, what's going to change about her response? Nothing. So I'd keep any discussions about the kids, with her, limited to fun things you did with them today, things they said, developmental milestones, etc. Because you know your relationship with her is not one that you can vent without YOU becoming more upset, not less.

I think too that others are right in saying she really meant to say "We'll be backup sitters if your regular one can't come." Nothing wrong with that. She at least is being clear (if clumsy) about letting you know where they stand -- willing backup sitters but not primary ones. Better to know that than to be calling them repeatedly and later hearing them say, "I wish she'd get that paid sitter back more."

You asked "How do you have a relationship with people like that?" Well, you do have a relationship. You're their daughter. Why not enjoy them as their adult child? When that sitter is over -- do things with your parents, without the kids. If they carp about "Where are the kids?" tell them, "This is our special mom (and dad) and daughter time." And go do something, and steer all conversation away from "Why isn't Suzy in preschool" etc. Surely you have other things you can talk with them about other than the kids?

They are not obliged to be your support system for your family's needs. Sorry, but there it is. Parents have to deal with things; grandparents do not.

My parents are both dead and my husband's parents are 6,000 miles away and both in very poor health. No other relatives within 5 hours and all the close friends work and care for either kids or aging parents. So the fact you even have parents around to speak to is good. But let their support be for you, their daughter, and accept that they are not obliged to be a support for your kids as well unless they really want it.

It's too much to ask of them to watch both of your kids. I think they were burned out from watching the first child and used the "list" as a way to get you to find childcare. You chose a babysitter, but I will bet they saw daycare as a better alternative because babysitters aren't always reliable.

You have a relationship with "people like that" by realizing that they aren't responsible for YOUR children. They are done raising kids. It's your turn now and you need to accept that.

I'm sure you don't like hearing that, but it's true. I agree with Shane that they probably meant they'd come over if the babysitter isn't coming, but it doesn't matter. Your mom didn't even have to say what she said.

It's too bad that they didn't just say flat out "We're too pooped to watch your kids" and said to buy updated stuff for them, but they may have just not been willing to fess up. You DO have a support system - there are tons of folks without ANY family around. You just want your cake and eat it too, and they aren't going to do this for you anymore. Accept it and move on. If you continue to act resentful over it, you'll drive a wedge in between you all and that will hurt you both,and your children, in the longrun.

Dawn

Again, why do people think that grandparents = sitters? Preface your conversation with, "Mom this is a vent phone call do you have a listening ear, I just need to get it out?" When you are done releasing it all say "Thank you, I feel better, so before I go back to the girls is there anything new?" Change the relationship, make sure she understands the difference between calling to vent and calling for help and explain in ONE conversation that you understand their needs regarding babysitting and you realized that you rather have loving and fun grandparents vs babysitters. Honestly, I think everyone is confused as to their role and you just need to make it clear.

I am a grandma who does have my grandchildren two days each week. Grandpa and I have had them since they were born and have loved it but in all honesty, it is exhausting. Maybe your parents don't feel they can handle two kids under three. A lesson a lot of us have learned is that people are usually excited to watch one kid but add another and it's too much. Invite them over for dinner or just to hang out. Why can't you have a relationship just because they don't want to babysit?

It's obvious to me that your parents want to be involved with your kids but don't want to baby-sit. Why does that mean that you can't have a relationship with them? Just because they are the grandparents doesn't mean that they have to baby-sit. My Mom is 50 years old, and I hardly ever ask her to watch my kids, maybe once or twice a year. When she does watch them, she is plum EXHAUSTED when I pick my kids up. She hasn't had little kids for almost 20 years, she gets tired! My husband's parents are in their 60s, we never ask them to watch our kids, ever. I'd rather the grandparents get to enjoy their grandkids without having to feel completely responsible for them, because that's not their job. I think you're being a bit too hard on them. Invite them over just to hang out with ya'll sometimes.

Sounds like you both got your feelings hurt after the second child and you just need to talk it out. Maybe she requested a lay z boy because she anticipated rocking your younger child in it. Just talk to her and tell her that she hurt your feelings and ask if you hurt hers.

My mil will only watch one of my children at a time. I respect that and don't ask her to do more than she can handle. She is nearly 70 after all. These little ones wear me out most days, she just can't handle it.

Good luck!

I have my own theory on "this generation" of grandparents. That for the most part they haven't slowed down enough to grandparent.

My dad and step-mom both own their own businesses and they still work them full time 40 plus hours a week. When they are done at work they want to go home have a glass of wine, unwind, and enjoy a quiet peaceful evening. Weekends they want to spend together working around the house, running errands, etc etc etc. Together they have fourteen grandchildren from six children (none of the children are from this marriage).

If they start babysitting for some then they feel like they have to sit for all of them and when I say babysitting I include picking them up and taking them to do something fun just because or inviting them over to spend the night or whatever...that is a lot of whatever...fourteen times whatever...

I grieve for my kids because when I was growing up we lived across the street from my maternal grandparents...I was at their house as much as my own...my grandmother taught me to cook and sew...my grandfather taught me to garden and spoiled me rotten on trips to the ice cream parlor and running errands with him. They gave me tons and tons of their time, they were at all my school events...heck my grandfather drove me to and from school through most of elementary. My paternal grandparents lived three hours a away and we visited them once every two months or so and there I played with my cousins, had custom breakfasts cooked to order by my grandmother, and was once again spoiled rotten by my grandfather. They were all retired and I was on only grandchild on one side and one of three on the other.

It is just different...I wish it weren't and it took a long time for me to not resent them for not being the grandparents I wanted for my kids...but you get what you get and you don't have a fit...I guess..

Hugs!!

You won't like what I have to say, but here goes:
I don't know that it is "wrong" to feel like you have a crappy support system in them, but you need to accept it for what it is. You can't change it or them. Be happy for what you DO have, and ignore the rest.

If you don't want to make special accommodations for them, then don't. But then don't turn around and resent them either. You continue to have a relationship with them, in which you are responsible for your children, and they get to be grandparents who see them when it is convenient for them, and spoil them (or whatever) and are not at your beck and call, like a sitter might be.

A crappier support system is one that doesn't exist AT ALL. We had NO family within 5 hours of us. Zero. So it was us or a sitter. Period. All the time.
And I am sure that there are other mommies here who will gladly tell you how much worse than THAT, that they had it.

So, accept it for what it is, and be grateful for what they can and are willing to give. And deal with the rest. Don't rely on them as your regular sitters. Stop calling and asking them to do this for you.

I'd be willing to bet that once they stop feeling like you NEED them to watch your kids on a regular basis, they will be much more willing and a lot less demanding about it. Particularly if you find a "regular" person (say a grandmotherly type from church who doesn't have grandkids living in close proximity?) who loves your kids. And if that doesn't get them to "come around", then oh well. That's the kind of grandparents you get for your kids. There are worse. And there are worse things than crappy grandparents.

As for the phone call... tell her what you told us here. Essentially: I didn't call to get you to come take over, I just needed to vent. Haven't you ever just needed someone to listen to you?
And if you aren't getting your needs met with your mom (venting, or whatever) perhaps you need to try to redirect some of that energy into a relationship with someone else who can help meet those needs. Another mom in a similar situation, perhaps. Or your MIL, even?
Hang in there.
I know it can be rough. But you CAN do this, even without help from your mom. Might not be the preferential way to go about it, but it can be done.

Perhaps it isn't your mom that has suddenly gotten "self centered"... Perhaps you took a bit too much for granted with the first grandchild, and failed to take into account the additional stress of 2 young ones on an older parent (your mom) rather than just one. She is now older, too, ya know?

Well...she offered...reluctantly.
I think it's pretty clear that your parents are not interested in "babysitting" your kids. I also know that can really hurt.
Did you call for help or to vent? If you were venting, just say "Mom...need to vent before my head blows off" and if you were calling for help, then I suspect you "get" the message.
I agree with Dawn that many grandparents just do not want tied down to the routine of babysitting.
How do they feel about spending time at their house with your kids? Do they ever do that? Take them someplace, maybe?
I think the solution is that you find alternative support systems and realize the limitations of the O.(s) you already have!
Good luck!

I don't hear anything derogatory, you have to give them points for that.

As others have said, you are the parent and they are the grandparent. Grandparents tend to do things differently than their parents did. They enjoyed your first child and did lots of things and it could have brought back good memories of you. With the second child, it is more work and they are not up to it hence the list of things to change.

Also some grandparents are not willing to change their lives for grandchildren. The saying, "I raised my children, now it is time for you to raise yours." Your mom may have grown up with the generation of women who were career women and not family oriented at staying home or they want their freedom now. They don't want to be saddled down with them so they drag them around to to things they want to do.

So plan on backups that don't include them. Have a relationship with them where they are grandparents and not babysitters. Make a date and go out with mom without the kids and enjoy each other as adults.

Good luck to you.

I am a grandmother that would have loved to have been more involved with my grandson but grandpa did not want to move when we could have to be closer. He now understands what he has caused but it is too late to move due to health issues and we will live 6 hours away. Grandson is almost grown and we did get to have him last summer for about two weeks and enjoyed him and the one on one time with each other. He just wishes we were closer so that he could hang out with us and do the crazy fun things we do when we get together.

So think about it and make your decision and know it is right for you.
As for the child care comment perhaps they were thinking it would be easier to have them in that setting than at home. When I worked I put my son in childcare so that I did not have to worry about a sitter being able to be or be sick and lose a job due to lack of childcare.

The other S.

it sounds as if you're a little overwhelmed and needed a good vent! and this is the perfect place to do that.
i too would resent it if my parents criticized things like my daycare decisions. not only do i agree with you on your choice, but even if i didn't, it would be YOUR choice. your parents ought to be quiet about it if they can't be supportive.
but it's unlikely they just *suddenly* became self-centered, hon. it sounds as if they too got to feeling a little resentful. maybe what you took as them 'loving' to visit and help out WAS their version of being helpful and supportive, ie it was more about them helping you than loving staying there, and they feel that you're the one who became self-centered by expecting them to come stay in a place not comfortable for them. older people need comfort. my parents almost never stay here even though we have a nice spare room and a bathroom we can give over to them when they stay. they just like to be home, and i get that. it's a bit much to expect your parents to stay over regularly if they'll be needing to tend a newborn on a couch that hurts their backs, if the bed is uncomfortable, if they can't shower easily.
yes, it's probably cheaper to hire a babysitter, and if cost is the issue, that takes care of the problem. but what i'm hearing is that you want a better relationship with your parents, and it's nicer for children to get time with grandparents rather than babysitters whenever possible.
so rather than resenting your parents for being crappy, why not allow that they may just have a point? could you make at least one or two of the concessions they ask for? and if they are modifications to your home that you don't want to make, can you perhaps clear the air a bit by telling them that while you don't want to make those changes, you do want them to have time with your kids and ask them how THEY would like that to happen?
i'm not sure what's wrong with the 'if you're sure your sitter can't come over we will' response. honestly, they sound okay to me. but if you just wanted to vent, it's perfectly okay to say that! 'no need for that, ma, i really just needed a sympathetic ear to sound off in. just say 'there there dear!''
maybe if you make the relationship about them too you can all find a happy medium.
khairete
S.

What I hear them saying is that they feel like they are not your first choice and they'd like to be.

I think it may have hurt their feelings when you stopped calling them and didn't make the adjustments they asked for.

I would not have been able to do it either. I think that perhaps having them more involved in a non babysitting way would perhaps make them start feeling less left out.

If they come from a distance to see you and they mentioned the items they use are not comfortable then perhaps they could help replace them. I know I can't even afford to buy my granddaughter a new mattress and box springs so buying one for a guest bedroom would be impossible.

Have a talk with them to get to the bottom of their frustration and hard feelings. Everyone will feel better after you do.

I don't understand part of your post though. You do not put your children in child care but work full time????? If they are not in some sort of child care then you take them with you????

Well, all I can say is that you are fortunate to have parents that care enough to come and help you. There are those of us out here that have zero support. My mother lives 20 minutes away and hasn't seen my children in close to four years. My son doesn't even know who she is. My husband's mother isn't having it either. So it's us, all the time, no one else, 24/7.

I cannot tell you if you're wrong or right; only you know the dynamics of your relationship with your parents. However, I know resentment gets you nowhere. Think about the reasons why you feel resentful. Do you feel they shouldn't criticize if they're unwilling to help in the capacity in which you need? I can see how you would feel frustrated with that.

I think the best thing you can do is talk to them and see how they feel without becoming frustrated or angry. Sometimes if a person tends to get a little hot under the collar when things don't go their way, people tend to beat around the bush and avoid being direct out of fear of starting an argument.

Listen to what they have to say. Then you'll have a better idea of how to related to them when it comes to support and having a good relationship.

My parents are the same way, but very uninvolved. My ILs are in poor health and out of state. My MIL was tremendously involved with my SIL, but has wanted US to care for her when she visits - even when our twins were 5 weeks old. I also find my mom doesn't want to hear me vent when I call. My husband is out of town frequently on business, so those are the times when I have moments of feeling overwhelmed. She is also a martyr type and I hear a lot of venting from her while on the phone.

While my husband and I have positive relationships with parents, they are not reliable and yes, very self absorbed. My husband said sometimes the responsible adult children get less attention than those who are not - like in both of our families. We just have to accept this and let it go. It's frustrated me for years. Frankly, I don't like the frustrated feelings, so I'll let them go. Perhaps, I'll wait for my parents to contact me instead of calling them.

Bottom line is: just accept that this is the way it is and move on. It's the only way you'll find the answer to what you need/want for your family and have some peace. Believe me, I am surrounded by people who have TONS of support from their parents in our neighborhood and my parents rarely come AND only for special occasions, dinners, etc. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't help. I know my experience isn't the same as yours exactly, but maybe this will help.

I don't know how old your parents are but maybe it's too much for them to care for both of your children. If they are not that old and still active maybe they just want to enjoy their time/retirement. It's hard to know, but I think you sound slightly entitled. I'm sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.....you should be able to call and vent but to expect them to drop what they're doing and run to support you is probably expecting to much.

I do not expect my kids grandparents to help.. They live far away and viist once a year.. but only during the right season so the weather is to their liking.

I think if we had a real emergency.. (someone seriously ill in the hosptial) they would come to help.. but if they had a vacation planned .. they might not be able to come.

It is probably best to lower your expectations.. so you will not be disappointed.

If your parents do not agree with your parenting choices -- especially those having to do with childcare -- then trying to set them up as part of your regular child care is bound to be a difficult situation for all of you. Save yourself a lot of grief and raise your kids the way you think is right by finding other solutions for regular child care. Let them be a part of their grandkids' lives as much as you are all comfortable with, but don't expect them to be regular participants in something you already know to be an ongoing source of conflict.

I totally understand, and I feel for you. As a working mom like you, I think things are soooo different in our generation compared to our parents' generation. I've come to the realization that my parents and in-laws just don't get my life - at all. What makes it worse is that they don't understand that they don't get it. :) My husband and I both work full time, and we have a 3,5, and 7 year old. That was how we planned it, so I figure we're the ones that should be dealing with it. My in-laws are about 20 minutes away, and will help with emergencies, and volunteer to spend time with the kids, but I always feel like I'm putting them out, especially since it's just my MIL that actually wants to spend time with the kids, but she's made it clear that she would prefer to deal with them individually. My parents are about 6 hours away, and it bothers me to no end when my mom says "if I lived closer I would help all the time" because I know that's so not true! I envy my friends who have their parents watch their kids while I pay up to 60K a year for daycare! BUT...like I said, it's the choice we've made. I'm a big believer that if you want something done right (meaning "your way"), you have to do it yourself. I end up getting overwhelmed sometimes, but I've learned to vent to my husband. We've started to realize that we're in this together, and we can't really depend on anyone else, sadly. My advice is to back off with mentioning the kids to your parents for a bit. Let your parents pursue the relationship with the grandkids - they (hopefully) will once they realize they haven't seen the kids for a while. Maybe have get-togethers with your parents that don't involve having them feel like babysitters. Since we've started doing this with the in-laws, they have started to ask to spend more time with the kids. I'm not saying to withhold your kids from their grandparents, but by letting your parents determine an appropriate visiting schedule you might find that they will be more willing to get involved with them at a grandparent's level. Lots of blessings to you, and good luck!

Ahh the fun part of having a relationship with the new generation of grandparents. My parents are self absorbed as well. Just like so many told you that your parents have the right to feel the way they do. You also have the right to feel as you do. I am guessing your parents say somethings to you at one time and say something different at other times giving you mixed messages. I know it has been hard at times in my situation with very self absorbed grandparents and we struggled after awhile. Sometimes I would give them what they wanted so they couldn't complain or pressure us anymore. I also know my mother would get mad at me and refuse to babysit and then I think hated it when we found another option so it got better and I had to learn to just ignore the stupid self absorbed comments she makes from time to time. Like I did you will figure it out and remember you have a right to your feelings. Hope it gets better for all of you.