Inviting the Class: What About the Bully?

Invite her without a doubt. I couldn't have said it better than Kristina M!

p s- I thought of this after my post....but Denise P already said it! So, agree with her too!

There is no way I'd invite her to my house. My older son has been bullied by a boy even right in front of my eyes at basketball practice I got off those bleachers and told him if he could not keep his hands to himself I was going o call his mother well next practice she wanted to kick my @$$. That little girl is learning that behavior somewhere most likely from her parents do you really want to ruin is special day by having her there. I'd say do a boy only party so you don't have to deal with her and the issue of only leaving one out or mail the invites.

I woudln't invite her and I would let her mother know why..Maybe it will show her that if she acts that way she won't be invited places.

I've been exactly there.

I've invited the unfavored child.

And NOT because it's asking for the bully to treat your kid worse if you don't...it's because it teaches empathy, inclusion and tolerance.

Invite A ... heres the deal if you invite her you may see the behaivor yourself and be able to do something about it. If you do not invite her, you are just asking her to treat your son worse than before!

If you exclude the girl, she will find out at school when all the classmates are talking about the party. This is just mean and hurtful.

Teach your son to rise above, invite the girl.
Then you, as the parent, keep a close eye on her actions. If she behaves poorly, you have a perfect opportunity to correct her and teach her a better way. Also, if she behaves poorly you can call her parents to come pick her up early.

Also, have you talked to the teacher about your son's allegations about this girl? Has your son told his teacher when this happens? I would think the school should be involved if these actions are taking place.

Good Luck
God Bless

Hi Abbie-

That's a tough one because I want to say like so may of the moms.... oh, let the "bully" go to your son's party.... don't single the child out because he/she is hungry for attention.... so on and so on.

HOWEVER... this exact thing happened to my sister in law last weekend. She told her twin boys to pick 10 boys each for a total of 20 from the 32 boys in first grade. They wanted all the boys except one because "he's mean". (Their words) She said that she would increase the # to ALL the boys or go back to her original plan of 20 total. She gave them the speech about being NICE TO EVERYONE.......... Well... her one son was still upset but said okay.....
It turns out that the "mean one" started THREE fights with her one son and he upset others too. It was a sports party at a YWCA and the boy simply hurt others if he wanted a turn, wanted a ball... etc... My sil was stressed out when I talked to her that night.

So... I if I were in your shoes... I think I would honor my son's request. My sil didn't call the mom of this boy to come and get him early. But... look what happened for her telling her son to be NICE to everyone.... she couldn't enjoy her twins' party and her one twin was upset again and again at HIS party where he specifically said NO MOM.... I don't want him to come because he's mean. And trust me... I am all for being nice to everyone, but this is a tough call.
Maybe I would invite the "bully" but on the condition that if she acted up ONE TIME, that she would sit until her mom came to get her. (Yet.. I am not sure that with her behavior, she would remained seated.) Or better yet... have the mom stay at the party so that she could remove her if she acted up.
Good luck with your decision.

I am also dealing with this issue right now.

My daughter did not want to invite the "bully" in her class. She says he is "bad", because that is what the teachers say about him. I get on her about that, and tell her that we don't call people names. I told her we have to invite him, if we are going to invite the whole class.

I have also had several conversations over the year with her about him. I tell her that this child is probably a nice child, and is having a hard time expressing himself appropriately right now. I tell her that he is probably doing the best he can.

I try to give my child the tools to advocate for herself, while also trying to teach her compassion towards the other child. We talk a lot about how sometimes she has a hard time too when she is frustrated, and imagine feeling like that all the time and how hard that would be.

I have also made it a huge point to learn more about this child, and spend time with him in the classroom on the days I volunteer. I have learned a lot about this kid; he is very sweet. He is having a difficult time adjusting to the classroom environment. He has a wild imagination and can tell great stories. He is impulsive, he does things without thinking very often.

He does have a sense of empathy buried beneath his tough behavior, and it is going unnoticed by the classroom teachers because the route they choose to deal with him is the path of shame and humiliation. (Which many teachers do, an example of their discipline is that they will make him sit outside for an hour in a timeout with a teacher for not taking a nap. And yes, I am dealing with this on a higher level as well.) Most importantly, he is only 4. I refuse to label a 4 year old a "bully" or "bad".

I have also gotten to know more about his family. They are wonderful, sweet people too. They are having a very hard time in their lives right now, just like we all are prone to at one time or another in our own lives.

I have spent time facilitating a friendship between other children in the classroom and this child. I believe that I have been able to help his sense of empathy flourish to the point that he is starting to understand his effect on others. I have been able to get my daughter to be interested in his fun qualities, rather than be put off by his not so fun behaviors. I do still encourage her to walk away if he starts to act out, but to also tell him why she is walking away.

So that is what I did. Plus, I have been to other classroom parties with this child present, and he was just fine. Parties are a different environment than the classroom, because there are more adults present. I think it is a great time for kids to learn more about how to interact with each other.

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We JUST dealt with this in January for my daughter's 6th birthday. She did not want to invite a girl that was bullying her. The story had come out over the Christmas holidays, and while the teacher intervened immediately my daughter was on the fence about having her come. The other girls mother was very apologetic and did not want her daughter to come to the party both as punishment and to keep my daughter from having a negative experience.

We discussed the issue separately with my daughter and the girl's mom, and we came to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to have her come for the following reasons:

1. The party was two weeks away, and if the girls were on track and her daughter was working at being kind to my daughter (or at least, not picking on her), she could come

2. Her mother would be there at the party, and the little girl had no chances. She was to be on her best behaviour, and anything that was considered bullying she would have to leave immediately.

3. We felt that this was a chance for the little girl to "prove" herself. That she could behave and have a good time with the other girls. She's not a bad girl, she just has socialization issues.

The outcome of the party was that the little girl came, she did a great job playing nicely with the other children, and though she and my daughter have had a few bumps along the road since then, it was a very positive experience for both children. In the end, my daughter was very glad that the girl came to her party.

Invite her so you can trip her! Haha! Im kidding of course. I think just excluding sassy pants is not the way to go. Could you just invite the boys and say its just a "boy" party? If not, I would invite her, shes probably less likely to be a jerk when Momma is around, and hey, maybe she will be nice to him after that!

Not sure - my little guy is 4 and I haven't had to deal with this yet, but I wonder if inviting everyone, including "A" might turn this other kid around? NOT inviting "A" would just cement whatever hard feelings. Also, by having "A" there, you could also see "A" in action and find out if it's bullying or brattiness or whatever, and then deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

didn't even read the other responses: if you're inviting the class....then it needs to be the WHOLE class.

To exclude one child.....is unbelievably unkind....regardless of what your son thinks of her.

I agree with Kristina. Also, this teaches your son some tolerance and not to buy into cattiness.

I recently was on the other end of this problem. My son has behavior problems, and has gotten in trouble at school especially with one particular boy. So when he was invited to the boy's birthday party, I didn't know whether or not he should go. I would hate for no one to show up at the boy's party, because that has happened to us before(invited 40 kids, only 4 came).
First, I talked with my son about whether he thought he should go. Because we wouldn't want to ruin someone else's day by being mean to them. Then I called the other boy's mother and explained that the two of them don't always get along, and that both parents would stay with him and leave early if necessary. She said it was fine, she understood because her son gets in trouble a lot at school too, and so we went.

I shadowed my son the whole time, ready to intervene if he did anything wrong. I got a good look at how the kids interacted, and found that it wasn't always my son's fault. The group of kids would take a toy he wanted, beg him to chase them, and then run to another room(or all the way around the outside of the house)and slam the door in his face. I kept coaching my son to not play that game, not give them what they want by reacting. The other parents who were there at the start of the party, including one who is a teacher, scolded the kids for slamming doors but saw nothing wrong with the way they were treating my son. The other boy begged my son to stay longer, but we said no and left early.

I would not invite her. She sounds nasty. Why is the nursery not doing something about it?

Your son should feel safe in his own house. Why on earth would you invite someone like that. Who cares if her feelings are hurt.

i think excluding a child as an adult would make the adult the bully to the kid...plus mauybe you can see what really happens

Maybe talk to her mom before the party and then, like Kristina said, watch over them.

Unfortunately, with the "inviting the class" thing, it's all or nothing.

If you invite her I'm sure she'll behave well at the party. It might be a nice gesture to invite her. Maybe she'll be nicer to him after?

But maybe there's a loophole... can you do a boys only party? And do really boy-like activities? But, of course, if there are other girls he really likes, this wouldn't work.

These things are tough. Good luck!

I think if you invite the entire class, you should invite her as well.
For one thing, it will give you a chance to see the girl's behavior and/or attitude for yourself.
Look, I am SO not into ANY kids hitting, kicking or spitting. No way! However, having raised kids, I have found that some little kids act this way when they actually "like" someone. It clearly makes no sense, but it does happen. My son had little girls who were usually pretty nice running up and hitting him in the arm or yanking on his shirt and running off. They were completely inappropriate things to do, but turned out they were displays of affection and a means of getting attention.
I wouldn't exclude her. Many bullies act the way they do because of their own insecurities.
And, like I said, you should have the opportunity to observe all these dynamics for yourself.
For heaven's sakes, don't tell your son this, but it might be a matter of her having a crush on him or something.
I would invite her because excluding only one person really isn't the right thing to do. If he was only having a couple of friends over, and several were left out for whatever reason, that might be different.
I would invite her. If she gets out of hand, you can call her parents to come and get her. But, it's my guess that after being included in the party, she might be nicer to your son.

Anyway, that's just my opinion.

Invite her and if she acts out against any child, call her parents to come pick her up.
Oh, and have you talked to the teacher about how your son is treated? This does need to be addressed.

Is she were not a bully, I would say invite her. Since she is mean and he doesn't want her there, send invitations through the mail and DO NOT invite her. My child always invited the class, but it did not stop the bullying. In fact, it seemed to send the message that no matter how badly you treat my kid, we are going to be nice to you so the bullying was not deterred.

some parents will find out and ask about invitations which is soooo rude, but you should protect and celebrate your child's day in peace so tell the parents she is bullying your son and the teachers have to intervene.

Well I doubt excluding her (esp. her being the only one left out) will encourage her to change her behavior towards your son. However, inviting her MIGHT. At the very least it gives you a chance to intervene if she does start up. Either invite everyone, or come up with a smaller guest list so she is not the only one not invited.

Most kids who are bullies are lacking positive attention from adults, mostly their parents.

Invite her for several reasons. 1. It is the right thing to do. 2. You are teaching your son not to discriminate (however, I would talk to your son about why you are inviting her so he doesn't feel like you are taking sides with her). 3. You are showing this girl compassion (something she may not get from others). 4. It will allow you and perhaps her parents the opportunity to see her bad behavior.

If she does treat him poorly, address the girl by saying, "we don't treat our friends that way." and then to the parents, "maybe we should talk about this another day and time, it seems to be getting really bad." If it is really BAD and her parents don't address it, then you will know most of the problem to begin with, and you should ask them to remove her.

Best of luck with his party!

I would not invite the bully at all. This is your son's birthday! Do you want him to be miserable because A is being such a brat and encouraging others to be a brat? no way.
A couple of thoughts.
#1 School is almost over, right? (my son's preschool ends in a couple of weeks) So, you really shouldn't have that much more time with the little girl. You pass out invitations, or send them, or email them outside of school time. If the mom asks you later why her precious little angel wasn't invited you say, "well, A is constantly spitting on my son, so he didn't want to invite her". It's honest.
#2 Five is PLENTY old enough to understand that her behavior is not appropriate. Now she gets to learn "IF/THEN". "If I spit, then i don't have as many friends"
#3 I never invite people to my parties that I don't like. Let your son have a voice in this mama. She is bullying your son, why make him invite his bully to his party?
L.

If you invite every single other kid in the class and not this one, you are sending a signal to your son that "all the class" means "all the class except the one person with whom I have issues."

I'd either make it a smaller party -- just friends he really plays with in class and sees outside class, and some friends who are not in his preschool class, so it's clearly his personal party, not a class party -- or I'd invite everyone, including this one girl.

Since it's preschoolers, I would ensure that there are other parents who stay for the entire party. Not every parent may need to, but there should be others there besides you because this age group needs extra eyes on it if there are more than a couple there.

You can ask one of her parents if they will please stay "because I really could use your help--it's our first preschooler party, I could use help with the games" etc., but don't say "I want you here because my kid says your kid kicks him and is mean." Having a parent there should either make her behave well for this party or give them a wake-up call if she is behaving badly.

This will happen more as your son gets older. Be sure to differentiate between "class party" which truly should mean the whole class is invited, and other parties, which have guest lists that are not all-inclusive. But saying "it's not a class party" while inviting every single kid but one wouldn't be right.

Bullying a bully by exclusion isn't the answer. First of all, have you verified that any of this alleged bullying is actually occurring by the teachers? I would imagine that the teachers would tell you if your child had been spit at and kicked repeatedly. If they haven't been aware of it, WHY aren't the teachers aware of it? Are they not supervising well enough?

As for the party, you should know that most schools and preschools don't allow kids to pass out party invitations at school to classmates unless every single child in that class receives one. If you choose not to invite this little girl, this little 5 year old girl who needs some correcting, then you're going to have to send invitations off of school property.

EDITED: After seeing your "what happened" stating the teachers are intervening, I take that to mean that the little girl is really kicking him, spitting on him, and encouraging others to do the same. In that instance, I would ask the teachers if they would relax the rule (about inviting every single child if you pass out invites at school) due to the situation.

It just doesn't feel right to exclude such a little child if she's not getting proper discipline. It's not her fault.

you cant just exclude her. either a shorter list or everyone, or all the boys... however, i would look at it as an opportunity. you will get to see her in action, see what you think, and then you will have a much better handle on how to talk to him about it to help the situation, maybe even get to intervene a little and change how she interacts. it may not be as bad as you think, they are still so little and so many kids at this age have no social skills yet. maybe she is the one who is left out and this is how she reacts, or maybe she just doesnt know how to initiate and you can help him to make her feel better about things. maybe she just needs a smile or a friend. or maybe she really is a bully and you can teach him how to avoid her, how to stand up to her, or whatever else you think is appropriate. a good chance to assess....

As a teacher and a mom, I say don't invite the bully. I would not want my son to have to invite someone who is repeatedly mean just for fear of hurting feelings. Clearly she isn't that concerned with others. If it comes up or the parents question, simply tell them what their daughter has done and that your son preferred she not attend his party.

Personally, this child does need to learn there are consequences to their actions in order for her behaviors to stop. I wouldn't invite her but I would anticipate the parent being upset about it. However, you should plan to mail, not hand out the invitations so that you are not rude. If they contact you, gently tell them why.

I think it's rude to invite EVERYONE in the class except one or two people.

Also, as you already noted, 5 yr olds can be angels one minute and crazy people the next.

Personally, I'd want to invite "A" to see how she REALLY behaves. That way she's on your turf, and you can keep and eye on all the kids during the party. Just make sure you have enough "parent helpers" so you're not overwhelmed trying to do it all yourself.

And I would write on the invitation if you expect parents to stick around or if it's a drop off party. If it's drop off, I make sure I have a parent's number for each child - just in case.

I would definetly invite the child and watch them like a hawk and at any trouble let them know the behavior is not acceptable, then when the parent comes to pick them up let them know how their child acted.

I think you should talk to your son and explain that if he really wants to invite his whole class, he cannot exclude one child. That is wrong. Now, I think he has a right to not have this girl at his party if he doesn't want to invite her. If he feels that strongly about it, tell him, he can invite all the boys only, or have a smaller party with only a handful of the kids he plays with and enjoys the most.

dont invite the whole class, invite his closest friends the rule at our house is you have as many friends as your age, and pass the invitations out after class not during.

I wouldn't invite the whole preschool class. Invite a few of his best buddies and have a great party! They reccomend no more children than the age the child is turning--so five kids or less. But no, I wouldn't invite someone who has hurt your son. GL!

M

This question is asked often, about 1 child being singled out. And my answer is always the same. An entire class cannot be invited to a bday party, except for one person! Don't even consider it. It's hurtful and imagine the parents somehow finding out that their daughter was singled out. And then imagine finding out that your son was the only one left out of a party invite! The answer is easy.

If you are inviting the whole class then you need to invite her as well. If she starts acting up and picking on kids, then you put a stop to it. I doubt that they would even come to the party, I only take my kids to parties of the kids that I know they play with on a regular basis. I would imagine that if her do take her, the parents are not likely to just drop her off at your house if they have not met you before. I would stay with my child. But I guess I am a bit overprotective of my kids.

If you are inviting the entire class then the "bully" should be invited as well, if she shows up and treats others poorly speak to her about it, if the behavior continues call her mother and explain the situation. Lots of people are assuming that the hitting is a result of bad parenting...that may or may not be the case, it could be a developmental thing that this child is going through. Let your son's teacher know what he is telling you about this girl, chances are the teacher will have some insight. I know it's hard when it's your child's party but not everyone is always going to be well behaved and this child is only 5, excluding her at this age is not the route to take. Hopefully this child can get some help for her social skills.

So, he's in Pre-K, correct? I don't consider it "bullying" at that age. It's a lack of discipline & a cry for attention. I don't think you can blame a child that young for that type of behavior, it's most likely a lack of good parenting that has caused her to be like that. She is never corrected, so she doesn't necessarily know better.

You didn't mention anything about talking to the teachers/director/principal of the school. If he's getting treated as badly as you say he is, then why haven't you addressed with the administration? Sounds like a sit down is needed between you, the person in charge, and the girl's mother.

This is a hard one. I don't really think anyone should be forced into inviting someone who they don't like & that treats them poorly, child or adult. It's okay to just invite his close buddies, on the down low & not make it a class affair. It's highly likely that most of the class won't show up the party, anyway, so I wouldn't worry about inviting everyone.

If the teachers are in agreement with your son (on this childs behavior) then do NOT invite her. He needs to be able to enjoy the party.

PS> I never used to think like this but I got burned by keeping a daycare family because I felt sorry for the kids. (The kids were TERRIBLE. But it was truly because of the parents! The dad was never around. The mom yelled at them constantly. Would never listen to them if they wanted to tell her about their day. ETC.)

Invite all children including the "bully". She has feelings too, and they are just 4 or 5. This might change her way of treating him, if they have a connection. Might... Happy birthday to the little one!

if you invite everyone except her, arent you kind of being the bully then?

At age 4 or 5...there is NO WAY a child is a malicious bully. They're mere babies! It sounds like she is displaying some other behavioral problems, for whatever reason, and I have a hard time believing she does not act this way around other kids as well. Also, why on earth would you want an entire pre-school class at his party? Could it be that he needs validation that he is "in good standing" with the other children? Maybe he could pick five friends in his class, or include friends outside his class or cousins?

I would invite all or nothing. I would never have a party with this age child and not plan on the parents staying.

If the parents are there and she acts up I think it would be a good opportunity to see their family dynamics and what is happening behinds the scene. If the parents don't stay and she acts up it would be a good opportunity to talk to her about her actions. If need be the parents could be called to pick up their child.