Invite the Whole Class. Really?

The school cannot tell you how many kids to invite. They do make the suggestion/rule that you not hand out invitations at school. To me this makes sense.

My granddaughter, who is 11 now, has been invited to parties that included the whole class. Her own parties involved only a few close friends. Invitations have been handed out in class by just putting them in the other kid's back pack. That seems to work OK. It's the talking about the party that causes problems.

This year one of my granddaughter's friends had a party and made a point that my granddaughter knew she wasn't invited. Painful not only for my granddaughter but for the friends that were invited.

I suggest just using common sense. I'm 68. Nothing has really changed about who to invite to a party. People have changed so that they need to be reminded to be kind.

Society has changed in that we expect everyone and everything to be equal. In the past we weren't so seriously upset when we weren't included. We knew that we couldn't have or do everything. I miss those days. PC often rankles me.

I agree with you. The policy here is not to hand out invites at school unless you're inviting the whole class. My boys always prefer to just invite a couple of friends to spend the night instead of having a party anyway, so we just call them and invite them over. When they were younger (they're 7 and 14 now), they just invited a couple of friends to the family party. It worked well for us. We never invited the whole class, and it has never been a problem.

I NEVER invite the whole class, and only twice have I invited all the girls from the class. Big mistake as over half of them never rsvp'd or showed up. We now only invite my children's closest friends which usually means a maximum of 5 kids. I send out email invites or make invitations and mail them. No school is going to tell me I have to invite everyone from my kid's class to my private party. Kids get over it if they find out that they're not invited because guess what? All parents do this! I wouldn't worry about it at all!

Well, at our school, the rule was IF you intended to hand out invitations in class then either the whole class or all of the boys (or girls) had to be included.
And, really, I don't see anything wrong with that policy.
If there are kids you don't want to invite, mail the invites to the homes!

It's pretty simple. If you're NOT inviting the whole class, just mail the invites. If you ARE inviting the whole class, then you can give the invites out at school. Just common sense, IMO. Why hurt some little kid's feelings when it could possibly be avoided? My oldest has seen it both ways - once there was a girl handing out invites at school, but my daughter didn't get one - hurt her feelings because she had to WATCH some of her friends get invited. Once there was a girl handing out invites at school and my daughter got one, but her close friend did not - then my daughter felt awkward about the whole thing. I can pretty confidently say that no school is going to have an "invite the whole class policy" when you're mailing the invites.

The rule at our schools is that if you're going to hand out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class, but if you're going to invite people some other way -then that's fine. That's what we're doing this year for my oldest who is in kindergarten. I didn't want to ask the whole class, and it turns out he didn't either. The place we're having it also has a limit of 20 kids, so with other friends he wants to invite, he could invite about 9 kids from his class. I got their parental emails from his teacher and handled it outside of the school.

I agree with you. To me, the whole "You have to invite the whole class" thing is just another symptom of how society wants to make wusses out of kids. I remember NOT getting invited to some parties and getting invited to some others. Kids need to learn that they're not included in EVERYTHING with everyone. I truly feel sorry for any kid who never gets invited to anything, but in the really young years, that's a rarity. I certainly think kids need to learn to handle disappointment and hurt feelings. When it's their turn -they don't have to invite everyone either. I don't ever intend to invite every kid in the class again!

You don't have to invite the whole class....but if you don't, you can't hand the invitations out at school. Oru school's rule is just the girls, just the boys, the whole class or no invitations handed out at school...more than fair in my opinion. If you only want to invite a few kids from the class, that is fine just be sure to get contact info so you can get them delivered outside of school.

I would check that policy. There must be a miscommunication.

I have never heard of a school saying you have to invite the whole class, unless the invites were being handed out at school.

You can send them to who you want from home. That way it does not affect the school..

Ha! We have never invited the whole class. That's insanity.
I say the exact same thing you say and have the exact same thoughts on it. My kids certainly don't get invited to every party and we don't invite a lot of kids. There is a class list that comes home with emails, phone numbers, and addresses and I use that to send out the invites.
L.

As a mother of young children, I think this is a ridiculous policy. My children have the same policy at their school and I think it is insanity. God forbid my daughter doesn't invite boys to her tea party and their feelings get hurt...it's a freakin' tea party, her own brother doesn't even want to be there. Or what if a little girls feelings get hurt over the fact that my son is having a Star Wars party for boys and doesn't get invited....this is LIFE! Not everyone can be invited to everything. I don't think elementary school age is too young to learn this fact. I think it's a shame that we have to protect our childrens "feelings" so much. If we continue down this path in life, our children are never going to learn to handle disappointment.

No, you're not alone in these thoughts. And no, parents really do NOT have to invite the whole class if the invitaions are handled privately, and if the birthday child or invited kids are smart enough not to blab about it or taunt kids who don't get invited.

I'm a generation older than you, and I've watched some strange changes in "expected" etiquette over my lifetime. Some people blame this on p.c. policies, and they can start there. But this can happen any time people take some sensible guideline, p.c. or not, like not handing out invitations in front of non-invited classmates as a kindness, and turning it into a one-size-fits-every-situation rule, and then feeling pressure over it (or pressuring other people with "the rule"). Guidelines generally make sense when applied sensibly.

As far as enforcing their policy, our school (my nephew's and where my little guy will go) doesn't allow ANY invites to be passed out anymore, this is the second year, because parents violated the "whole class or none" policy.

Policies cover what takes place on school grounds (at out school the violators were in the parking lot before and after school) so if parents wish to contact parents at home or elsewhere the school has no say-so, interest, or concern.

I'm older than you but have to go with the flow, it is what it is, sigh.

As long as they are not handed out at school, you can invite who you choose. Our school has a directory, and I typically mail or drop off invites to those whom my son is friends with.

It's not that they can't invite individuals... it's that they can't hand out invitations in CLASS OR SCHOOL to those individuals. If you're going to hand out invitations in class... they need to go to the whole class.

It's to cut down on the HOURS of wasted class time teacher have spent when a kid comes to class with invitations and hands them out to only some kids (or worse, most but not this kid and that kid). It also cuts out HOURS of wasted time teachers have had to spend dealing with irate parents wanting to know if so-and-so got their invitation, or what they'd done with the invitation, because OF COURSE their child was to be invited as well , or the teacher having to keep track of the three invitations that didn't go out because the kids were sick, or, or, or (because for about 10-15 years you could hand the invitations to the teacher, and they'd put them in the folders that go home every week).

So kids invite whomever they like, but it now doesn't take up class time (either in handing them out OR a teacher needing to console upset kids), and it doesn't take up the teacher's time.

What this policy does is makes the parents talk to each other instead of using the classroom as a timesaver for them, and a time waster for the teacher and other students.

Nope... I will let my kids invite who they want. If that means it's three kids from their class, that's fine. 12, also fine. Of course, if they wanted to invite all but one or two kids, I'd probably tell them that they needed to invite everyone.

And really... a school has a policy that a child has to invite everyone in their class? That's sort of crazy.

That's the policy - because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings but excluding them....

We have parties and invite who we want. Since Greg's birthday is usually around Spring Break and Nicky's is in the Summer - I don't have to worry about the school rules so much.

When I was young and had birthday parties - I invited who I wanted to invite. You didn't have to be politically correct.

My SD is 17 now, and I don't recall it being policy to invite every girl in class when she was little. I understand the whole "you're not invited, neener neener" business that might go on if someone is excluded, but I don't think you are obligated to invite all the kids. Ask your child to get the info of the kids for mailed invites, phone calls or evites (though sometimes that backfires - friend asked the teacher to forward her emailed invite for her son's preschool friends and the teacher messed up the email address for RSVPs and no one came). Like you, we had limits, budgets and guidelines and the sks worked between them.

Ah yes, just went through this with another parent when it got back to her so and so was having a party and her daughter wasn't invited. She said that this is what can scar and mar friendships for years. Good God. School policy is not going to dictate what I do on my time. Feelings get hurt, that's life. Never getting hurt is unrealistic and trying to protect them in this way is weakening our kids. Being excluded from a party is not bullying.

I agree!!! Preach on sista! But I also somewhat understand why they have that policy, its because they-the school/teacher- don't want to deal with another childs feelings getting hurt because they werent invited. I am planning out our son's 9th birthday and HELL NO we definately cannot afford to invite his whole class (27 kids). I have the school directory, the one with the name, number, and addresse's of the kids that go to his school. So I just am going to have to write our invites and hand deliver them (postage is soo expensive!). And yes, kid's do need to learn that they arent always going to get invited to everyones birthday party and so forth, but yet it'll still hurt their feelings. So it's understandable.

I agree with you. And what the heck kind of policy is that of the schools? Yes I'm with you, I'd love to see it enforced. Does that mean that the kids get to be invited to the teachers birthday parties, if they invite other teachers to their parties? That is ridiculous. Invite whoever you want to, and don't worry about anyone else.

I always invited all the boys or all the girls, depending on the gender of my child and it wasn't just the class it was the grade. I also invited the kids that played sports with them or scouts that were not at their school.

Granted I never gave them these expensive parties everyone seems to have now.

Oh the girl that spits on you, if you invite her she won't come anyway, she is afraid everyone she spit on will gang up on her without the school to protect her.

Funny thing about my kids school policy you can hand them out in school but only if you invite the boys and the girls, that to me is stupid.

My son is 15 and I solved that problem by never having him hand out invites at school. Period. When he was having a birthday I called the Moms of his friends and invited those children that we wanted to invite. Did other kids at school find out about a party that they were not invited to? Yes, were feeling hurt - I don't think so, as this was how we all did it.

I think we are raising a generation of children who will not learn that life is not fair. Who will expect to always get what the other person has without having to work for it. Who will grow up with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and no idea of how to achieve things on their own.

JMHO

The school principal told me, the reason she enforces this rule is to cut down on bullying. Whether or not it's true and helps, I don't actually know. However, if the kids are still in elementary and you plan on passing out invites at school where everyone in the class will see, it only makes common sense to invite everyone. If you don't want to invite everyone, then don't pass out invites at school, mail them personally to those invited. As a kid, I didn't get to invite the whole class, I like yourself, had to choose who I wanted to attend and my mom drove me door to door personally so I could pass out my party invites to those I wanted to have come. Personally, I've enjoyed inviting all the kids in my kids classes now that I'm a mom. I love that I can make sure every child is feeling like they belong and has a friend. I make sure that every child that attends is treated with amazing respect and feels appreciated for coming. I go out of my way for these kids because every child deserves a party even if they aren't the popular kid in the school. I teach my kids that they never know, the "weird" kid in the class may end up being one of the coolest people they meet so don't underestimate a person for any reason.

yep that's school policy here too. We just don't have parties with school friends.

Thankfully, my son's school allows us to invite who WE want to invite...I give the teachers the invitations, they put the invites in the kids lunch boxes to take home with them... That way, noone's feelings get hurt and it's not announced...

I used to think I had to invite the whole class, but let me tell you, after being burned several times when only 25% of the invitees responded, I got over it! Now I give my kids a set # of people they can invite. They invite some from their class and some from other classes in their grade. It seems like a lot of people at our school do this too. We just mail the invites to their houses. It's worked out much better this way! The kids invite who they want, and I don't get royally p.o.'d when people don't RSVP.

Our school has the policy that if you are handing out invites at school it must be either the whole class or all boys/girls. They don't say you have to invite the whole class period, just if you pass out invites at school - which I think is pretty common and which you agree with, so maybe you're misunderstanding the school's policy.

It's harder when they are little, preschool - 1st grade or so. They don't socialize with a lot of the kids after school so you might not have contact info for the kid's parents. I've found in 2nd grade & up it isn't such a big deal. I already know the parents of the kids they want to invite from school because I've seen them around for 3+ years. The kids also walk to school, so they can hand out invites on the way home if necessary. I did do whole class invites when they were little, and hardly anyone came. Now we do whole team invites (soccer) and everyone comes - not sure which is better, lol.
Oh, and yes, drives me nuts. A little rejection is good for kids, not everyone is going to like them or want to play with them as they grow up. Not getting invited to a bday party is a pretty harmless way to learn to deal with a little rejection.

My son is in kindergarten. Pretty much all the parents invite all the kids to all the parties. I am really happy about this (although I don't always feel this way attending yet another bounce or gymnastics party). I would say 6 is a bit young to start forming cliques and excluding kids for no good reason. No one forces us to invite everyone - but I don't see why I wouldn't. We do a pool party at our house each year. It really doesn't cost us much more to have more kids. And I don't need to teach my son to keep track of who invited him to their party so he can invite them back. He really doesn't need to recognize a snub at this point in his life - and he certainly is not equipped to recognize an intentional one vs an oversight.

I also don't see why I would exclude all the girls in his class. Or why they would exclude him. I NEVER had a girl's only party when I was a child - I always had friends of both genders. I hope my son will as well.

So - do you make your kids invite the kids to their party whose parties they have attended? If you do - aren't you pretty much using up their invitations? If you don't - you are not really teaching them good manners. If they attend - they should reciprocate - even if they only have 5 kids they can invite.

I am going through this right now. My son will turn 5 next month and I've given in to the pressure and we're inviting his whole class (30 kids!). So, those children plus the other children we're friends with means that I am going to have over 40 four and five year olds to manage. I am completely freaking out about it. He, on the other hand, is soooo excited and I guess that's what it's about.

The logistics of managing that many kids, plus the cost is daunting. We're having a Lego party, so the obvious party bag treat is a Lego minifigure. They're only a few dollars each so that's affordable, right? Well, suddenly $3 x 40 = $120 and that's just for minifigures! That doesnt include cake, food, entertainment, prizes for games...and on and on...

When I was a kid you invited your friends to your birthday party. You went to the roller rink or the movies and then back to your house for cake and ice cream. How could I take 40 kids to the movies? Even if I could get them there, it would cost me a mortgage payment to get them in and they can forget about popcorn and drinks.

Thanks for asking this. I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately I am perpetuating the problem by giving in to it.

I have 5 kids... my 2 younger ones are in preschool so its not a big issue yet. But still my kids entire class is their grade.. there is between 20-30 kids in their class ( and grade).

There is NO way I would invite 30 kids 5 times a year. I would be broke just on that! Plus # 2,3 &5 birthdays are all two weeks apart... then a month later is #1's. Its hard enough with out a huge party each time.

I get the concept... but still kids do need to learn about disappointment and this falls along those lines. My kids are allowed to invite 5 friends and that's it. The birthday child + 4 siblings + parents+ grandparents + 5 friends = one full house!

I hear you! No, we don't invite the whole class. We also don't hand out invites at school period. We get the info from the classmates and send them out in the mail. Much easier and you deal directly with the people you want to invite.

Our school has a policy that if invitations are handed out at school, everyone must get one, or all the boys or all the girls, depending on the gender of the birthday child. We get around this when we want to have smaller parties by simply mailing or giving the invites outside of the school setting.

I disregard this rule and send invites outside of the classroom. If the school finds out oh well, but believe me my child will not be punished for it and I will make that clear if the school says anything. Even if you did, most probably wont' show up anyway so wouldn't worry too much about it.

When I was a kid, invites got handed out in school all the time and I didn't care. I wasn't "best-ies" with the whole class. I had a few close friends and we always invited each other everywhere anyhow so there were no sore feelings. When did making sure everyone liked us and was our friend become a priority and/or making sure the less liked people in the world don't get butthurt about not getting invited to social gatherings? I was not a member of the popular crowd but I would have felt weird about taking a pity invite from someone I didn't know very well just because is the PC thing to do.

My mother also used to pack me birthday treats in my lunch that I would share with my two best girlfriends, not the whole class. They were mine to give and I didn't bring enough for everybody. Welcome to the real world kids! Your boss isn't going to give everyone a raise and you won't always get a trophy. Get over it or I'll give you something to cry about young lady!

I have heard of policies that recommend fewer than half the class, or the whole class...or all the girls (if child is a girl), or the whole class. It's crazy because at this age, they play with different kids every week! So for my DD's 5th I only invited the girls. She suddenly started talking about playing with the boys and wanting "My friend Ben" to come to her party and I told her we were only inviting the girls. We had only been invited to the girls' parties up to then but right after that we started getting invited to boys' parties. Sigh. I am already wondering what I will do for her next birthday!!

I totally agree with you. We went thru this when our son was younger. He's in 3rd grade now and no we do not invite the whole class. He gives out party invitations to his friends outside of the classroom, and he's not friends with the whole class.
He's a social B. and loves his pals but that doesn't mean he's 'close' to his whole class. I think you should do what feels right to you and your family, and not worry about it. There are times when he dosen't get invited either because he's not a close friend to another child who is having a party....and guess what? He 's fine. I haven't seen signs of 'trauma' because he wasn't invited. :)) Life goes on.

NO! Don't invite the whole class. If you are allowed to take cupcakes, cookies or something to the class on the birthday... or on another day if the birthday is on a weekend or during a school break time... by all means do so to include everyone in the class in celebrating with your child. Then, let the child choose the birthday activity... party, go to the beach, a museum, park, or whatever the child would like to do, and let them invite a certain number of friends that you feel comfortable having along. It is the child's day, so give them a little control over how to celebrate.

We have a small house and I dread birthday parties.

I usually avoid them if at all possible by offering a special day instead. One time my science loving boy got to go whale watching just with us (it was his party and his gift too). My other son wanted to go to the aquarium as a family. After not having a party for either for a couple of years, this year they both wanted to have parties. We do invite the whole class, but our kids go to a very small school (12 7th graders and 18 3rd graders). We know all of the families well. It just would seem unkind to not include all of the kids, so we do, but we do have to budget for it. We invite all; not all come. That way no one feels left out. We don't go over the top, but we do want to be good hosts. Our sons have been invited to other parties and the like and in a way I see this as our chance to reciprocate. If my kids do not get invited to a party, they do not seem to bothered by it and I just figure it is a close-friends only or that there are budgeting issues....no big deal.

I do think a school-wide policy is silly.....can you imagine having to invite the kid that bullies you to your own party as a way to dissuade bullying???? Yikes.

What the school is actually saying is that if you send party invitations AT SCHOOL then all of the kids in that classroom should be invited. Outside of school you can invite whomever you want and leave out whomever you want. The school doesn't have the authority to dictate guest list or how guest list is handled UNLESS you're handling it on their property.

I would have no difficulty disregarding this rule. I'm sure it's intended to make sure kids aren't leaving each other out at school by handing out only certain invitations AT SCHOOL. I've never heard of someone inviting certain friends by email for a small gathering, the school catching wind of it, and then people being punished for what they do in their spare time.

Would I have 30 kids over? No way. Lots of people wouldn't. So one good perk of this rule is that it might cut down on the amount of parties each year!

No, you shouldn't invite every kid. My children are not school aged, yet, but there is no way I would invite everyone! Not only could I not afford to, but I don't agree that everyone should get an invite. What about the rude, disrespectful kid in class? As for the school policy, it's illegal to make a policy like that. I think kids need to learn that they may not always be invited, and that it's okay. By the way, I am a public school teacher.

We invited my son's whole preschool class (21 kids) for his 5th birthday party. HOWEVER, he's been in class with the majority of these kids for going on 2 years, and I knew that at least half of them wouldn't even RSVP, let alone come. SO, I was comfortable with that :)

He starts kindergarten in August, and I'm fairly certain I WON'T be inviting his whole class. If there are kids he wants to invite, I'll be sure to get to know the parents and invite them that way.

I don't feel pressured in any way to invite the neighborhood. In fact, I don't know that I'll even be inviting the neighbor kids if we don't know them any better than we do now. Will I feel slightly guilty? Probably, but it's better than having them at the party because right now, I'm not real crazy about their attitudes. Anyway, I certainly wasn't invited to many birthday parties when I was in school, and I know my son hasn't been invited to many (only 2). I'm actually thankful because that means I don't have to spend $20 for a gift x 21 kids in his class when we're financially strained right now.

I guess in a roundabout way I'm saying: No, you're not missing anything, and the school certainly cannot dictate who's invited to anyone's birthday party.

This is one of the many reasons why I am hesitant to do large parties for my kids. I personally would err on inviting more kids rather than less. Perhaps your child might even make more friends this way. A class list never got sent out for my son's kindergarten class, so I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to mail invites anyway. I would feel much better about having a low-key party and inviting the whole class rather than intentionally excluding a child. It just seems wrong and mean-spirited to me. My heart would break for my child if he came home crying because he wasn't one of the kids to get an invite. I would never want to be responsible for causing that type of hurt in a child. Just my opinion.