Daughter Feeling Left Out.

I have a 2nd grader, so I totally understand! But, the teachers aren't supposed to allow invitations to be handed out unless there is one for everyone in the class.

I hate to say it but my immediate thought after reading about what the teacher did with the napkin was, "I wonder if the teacher doesn't like your daughter and is not giving her the invitations."

Some teachers don't allow the students to hand out the invitations themselves, instead they require the students to give the invitations to them to put in the back packs. Could this teacher be deliberately "forgetting" to put the invitations in your daughter's backpack?

I know it is horrible of me to "point a tenative finger" at the teacher, but the napkin thing really bothers me!!!

I know this isn't what you were looking for but I'm a teacher and although I do not save cupcakes for absent children either (mice and bug issues) I think it is TERRIBLE that the teacher gave her a napkin. It seems like rubbing it in her face.

With the exception of the party where she was the only girl not invited, do you think it is because parents are limiting invites due to financial issues? With the party where she is the only girl not invited, did you get your information from Rose? I don't think she would lie to you but as a preteen girl, sometimes if she is feeling left out she may percieve she is being left out more than she actually is. I don't know all the details, just as a first grade teacher I see the behavior of girls and am just trying to give you some things to consider. Girls at this age are best friends in the morning and can't stand each other in the afternoon. The next morning they will love each other again. Hope things change for Rose soon!

As young as she is, 2nd grade, I would say you should talk to the parent of the child who is not inviting her. I think that especially the one that you said is in her class and in her dance class. I think that sometimes parents of kids that age may be a little out of the loop about who their kids are friends with and often let their child make the guest list, but they give their kids and guest limit. Like they will say, "you can invite whoever you want, but only 8 girls". The kid makes the list and leaves off a couple of important friends. I think that you just ought to get plugged in with the moms better. For example, ask your daughter who she feels like her best friends are, call their mothers and say hi, if you have never met them before ask if their child can come over to play with your daughter and the two of you can have coffee while they play, talk get to know each other. If that is too much for you, just call the moms and say "hey, my daughter is always talking aobut your little Suzie, they must be good friends, I just wanted to find out when little Suzie's birthday is so we can put it on our calendar". That will put the bug in their ear that you are expecting an invitation. If little Suzie's birthday is coming up soon ask the mom what Suzie wants for her birthday that your daughter can get her. I wouldn't involve your daughter in asking why she isn't invited and I wouldn't act like it is a big deal if she doesn't, try to keep her distracted from it. The best thing you could do is ask your daughter if it was her birthday, who would she want to invite, the people she tells you are the parents that you should buddy up with!

I would talk to the teacher and see if she has noticed anything and also mention that Rose being given a napkin and told that she missed the cupcake added salt to her wounds. The teacher should be more sensitive. I would also talk to the other moms and ask if they know what is up. I would not make them feel like you want to force them to include your daughter, but just want to find out what is happening with her, why she may be turning off the other girls, what you need to know to help your daughter socially. Girls can be so mean and it starts so early. But I think that communication is key in helping to find a solution. Good luck!

Hi J.,

I recommend looking at your calendar and find a day that would be good for your family to host a party/get together. If you have parties and invite friends over chances are your daughter will be invited to other parties. You can have a pizza party, BBQ, Theme Party with 2, 4, 6 or more friends. The other option is to think of one family with a child your daughters age that you know or would like to get to know better and invite the entire family over for dinner or a BBQ. Your daughter might not feel so bad about not going to this other party if she has something to look forward to at her home. You can have these little parties or just invite some friends over as often as possible and I think it would make a difference for her being invited to others homes and make it fun for your daughter. It does take time, effort and money to do this but it is worth the effort for everyone in your family.

Just an idea.
R.

J.,
I am very sorry about how hurt your daughter must be feeling. Just a little imput...my 11 year old daughter attends a 3 day program with only 7 students. As a Mom, I ALWAYS forget that there are 4 girls in the class. My daugher always mentions just 2 of them, so I tend to forget the others. Not on purpose, I am just so busy. I find that I have to put in a lot of effort to make sure that I get to know the other Moms and have something at my home to include all of them at least once a month or every other month. I find that the Mom who puts in effort to have some kind of craft, or get together at her home keeps her daughter involved. I hope that makes sense. In other words, be proactive. God bless, L.

I would DEFINITLEY schedule an appointment with your childs teacher-your little girl does not need to know why-but for you to find out if she has insight into this. Usually schools will not let kids hand out invitations without all being included. Something is out of kilter here. Sometimes kids can just be mean-but you may need to gently intervene to find out what is going on--GENTLY.

J., I feel for Rose. I was the kid that was always left out.

My two girls are so different; my younger is miss popular, always invited to everything. My older is sweet as can be, but shy, and so not invited as much. But we have a neighbor that has been our kids' friend since moving here 6 years ago. They all get along great. It hurt pretty badly the first time they weren't invited to her bday party-- esp. since at that time, they all road to school together! Of course they knew about the party... they even saw the kids there (they live 2 doors down). The next year they were invited, then the next year after that, they weren't... they were invited to a sleepover one night to "make up" for not being invited to the party! Now, we've always continued to invite her b/c I can't do that to a kid-- I see how it makes my kids feel.
The point is, it isn't the kids, it is the parents! Many of them have strange ways... i've always invited everyone to our parties in order to not leave anyone out...but other parents are different. I find my neighbor's behavior lacking tact, and I now only speak to her when I have to. I'VE never brought the issue up b/c i'm not confrontational... but, what i'd say to you is just to explain to your child that she should go on being friendly with all these kids. The parents control the parties... it wont' be long until the kids are all rebelling against their parents anyway!
Good luck.

I would try to get to know some of the moms in the classroom that she considers her friends. Maybe the moms have a different idea of who her friends are; you never know with these things. It is so hard to see your daughter so sad. I remember when I was in grade school and I had a birthday party. There was a little girl on the street that I used to play with; I told her all about my birthday party. She was so excited. However, she made me mad one day and she never got invited. Her mom found out and called my mom. It was then that my mom realized what had happend and may be go over to the little girls house and apologize. I would make sure to get to know the mothers b/c you really never know what is going on from the little girls point of view; they are just too small. Good luck!

That must be so hard on your daughter and you. Maybe your daughter is more of a one on one person, not necessarily group person (my one daughter is more like that.) Find out who she considers to be her best friend or friends and invite them to several afterschool or evening playdates for her to feel a bond and develop a relationship on her terms. Unfortuantely you can't change the past or why these girls and their parents aren't inviting her, but you can make it so they will in the future by forming close freindships. Life is sometimes crule (even in elementary school), but if we can have freinds and family, we can survive it and be better.

This seems all around like an ackward situation. You can't very well go confronting any parents on the matter. I'd say it was an oversite if everyone in the class but your daughter didn't get an invite and yet her and the birthday child are still buddy buddy. If they are all in dance with your daughter, can you not chat up the moms like 'hey, what have you been up to? What has your daughter been up to?' kinda thing. I'm sure it was just all a misunderstanding!

I have a 13 year old daughter and have gone through this on and off with her. Sometimes she was the one left out, and sometimes she left people out. Often, it is the tiniest insignificant things that upset them about a friend. My 10 year old son is the complete opposite; I've joked that a friend could cut off his leg or vice versa, and they would still be best friends the next day.
As far as your daughter, it seems strange that the girls are friendly with her, but don't invite her to the parties, especially one where every girl in the class is invited to. I think that the mothers have a little bit of responsibility here. They look over (or at this age, fill out the invitations) and would notice or comment on someone missing. I would think that if the daughter said she didn't want to invite someone, the mother would insist on it, explaining about leaving people out.
I actually posted a response to your request because your comment on the teacher. It upset me that a teacher, knowing your daughter was ill, would hand her a napkin (with no cupcake) and told her she missed out. What was the point in that? That seems very immature and, well, catty. No one likes to feel left out and it seems the teacher was reinforcing that feeling. I would talk to the teacher, not only to see if she notices anything with the girls, but also to see if she is part of the problem. I know this is hard for you to see your daughter left out, but it seems that a lot of the problem is the adults in this situation, rather than the children. I hope everything works out for your daughter.

I love our principal. She does not allow any invitations at school for this specific reason. Everyone gets an invite, or no one does.

I would speak right away to the teacher. Girls are so incredibly mean. They do it so subtly that the teacher may not even notice. Next year and up to the fifth grade if this continues, it will be horrid if they are all in the same class together.

If you can, go to parent's night, volunteer and let them see your face, get to know the nurse, the councelor. Seems the mom's that socialize at school have a better chance at finding out details of class and socializing out side of school.

We went through that in the fourth grade and into the fifth. I worked and never had the opportunity to go up to the school. It was horrid for her.

You have to get a handle on this now. Call those parents if you have to and let them know your daughter didn't get the chance to give her gift or when is the party. That will open discussions. Most mom's won't tolerate bullying by their kids either.

Don't leave all the arrangements up to your daughter. She will need help. Don't wait for the other parent to call because they probably won't - they may not even be aware of the problem and think the invitation was enough. They may have even sent one.

If this problem is not resolved, speak with the teacher then if still not, the principal. Ours does not tolerate bullies of any kind. If that doesn't resolve it, petition a no invitation policy.

Good luck and my heart goes out to your little one.

PS: Don't forget the distractions. Invite little girls from school, class, and the neighborhood over. Don't solely rely on those school girls.

I think it is completely cruel when an entire class of children are invited to a party and one student is left out. I know that when I was a teacher I had this happen a few times. It really affected my classroom dynamic. I did talk to one mother about it (the mother of the birthday child) and she was shocked...she thought all had been invited.

I would have called the mother of the forgotten invitation and said, "This is awkward, but...your child told mine they had an invite for her and told her all about the party...were we supposed to get an invite? I feel uncomfortable asking but I didn't want (my daughter) to miss the party if she was really invited."

I also would talk to the teacher at school and see if the dynamic has changed between your daughter and the other girls. She might have some great insight if you go to her with an open attitude. Girls get funny around that age and you never know what might be setting them off.

Good luck. I know this is hard for your girl.
VickiS

Doesn't it break our hearts as mothers when this happens to our little ones... It's horrible and we want to teach our kids to be respectful of everyone and when an injustice has been done we want to resort to kid behavior a bit. Tell your daughter not to take it personally, and tell her how it's important to be aware of others feelings.
I can't believe the teacher would even give a napkin the next day...
Just keep enforcing the golden rule, treat people how you want to be treated, not how they treat you...
You are doing a good job...

Hi J.,

I find it strange she is the "only" girl in the class not invited. I don't think it's a personal issue. Perhaps the parents are requesting a name list of the girls in the class and her name somehow has not been put on the list from a teachers mistake. It is also not allowed in my school district for kids to pass out invites UNLESS every child is invited or they get mailed to the houses of where the students live.
Anyhow, it sounds as if it's a mistake not intentionally made. I can't imagine a parent allowing their child to invite every girl except 1. Check with the teacher and tell her your daughter is upset that all of her friends were invited except her and see if the parents are getting a name list. If so, check it and make sure her name is on there. That could very well be the reason the one little girl "thought" she had invited Rose but Rose never got an invite. The little girl probably left it all up to her mom to fill out the invitations, didn't realize Rose didn't get a card until it was too late. Hope you get something figured out and best wishes to you and your daughter!
Take care!