Inlaws

3 days away from mom at the age he will be on Christmas is too long if can be prevented. Under 2 mos would be a different story, but for bonding issues stick to your "guns", but you as the parent should have the final word. You need to stay calm as you tell them but you cannot control how they may react. This child should be a joy to everyone, not a competition. You must follow your heart when it comes to your child. You may be right sometimes, you may be wrong, but you have the final say, but find a way to say it in kindness. The issues will only become more complicated as he grows, you all need to trust each other a bit more.

Hi A.,

I feel for you. I have had extensive problems with my mother-in-law to the point where my husband ultimately cut off contact with her, so I can understand how you might be feeling. My advice to you is that you and your husband MUST be a team when dealing with your in laws. It is important for HIM to address any conflicts with them so that they can't point the finger at you and drive a wedge between you and your husband.

What they have done with your child with the food is absolutely inappropriate and dangerous. I would present them with the medical literature stating the appropriate foods for a baby your son's age. That might take the focus off of you as the "bad guy."

They need to respect you as a parent and not criticize your parenting choices. I would encourage you to talk these issues through with your husband and have him talk to his parents to explain your parenting choices. They might be more willing to listen and respect your wishes if it comes from him.

Good luck!

you and your husband need to be on the same page otherwise his mother will wield her way in and become a cancer in your marriage.
perhaps you can start having your in'lwas bring dinner to yout house? (just a thought) that way they are on your turf and maybe you can gain a bit more control. tough situation. hopefully you can make them understand that your only child is not a puppy that can be shipped around because he is cute! GO WITH YOUR DOCTOR'S ADVICE!!! if your doctor says no to hiney then no to honey! it is dangerous!!!! a lot of things have changed since the inlaws were young and there are many more serious bugs around than when they were little.
simply put to them that if they do not buyinto your rules for your child, then they lose theprovledge of watching him (I know that will be tough on you, but your child os the priority). But get your husband in on the Doctor visit action as well. maybe he will learn a little about why you are saying what you are saying (also the book what to expect the first year is helpful in that regard).
GOOD LUCK!

A.,
I am not part of a interacial relationship,
But i believe your inlaws are trying to undermind you as a parent. We are told not to feed children solid food for at least 3 months, some children earlier some later, AS FOR HONEY THAT CAN CAUSE ECOLI IN CHILDREN because its undercooked and it isnt pasturized, They are fools if they think you are stupid about these things. Your husband is right in some respect yes he does need to get to knw his grandparents, But if you feel they are threating your childs wellbeing....then you need to be there supervising the visits.
If they take u to to court over grandparent rights explain to the laywers and to the judge what theyve been suggesting. IE:taking the child to NY without you??? That crazy... I hope you Get this resolved with your inlaws and enjoy your child's growing up. Because in the end thats all that counts you and your husband enjoying your time with your first child...
M. C

Giving honey to a small child is dangerous because there is the threat of botulism. I would try to respect your inlaws as best you can and not fight little battles. However, the ones that are truly important I would tell them that things change over time and doctors are learning new things everyday and as such, while you respect their advice and experience soem things you have proof of are NOT in your babies best interests. Find some articles to back it up.Show them articles about how babies aren't equipped to digest certain foods at 3 months.Explain to them it's not about you not wanting your son to know about his black heritage, it's about modern medicine and health. maybe you should give in to some thigns that they consider "black"...things that aren't as important just to let them know that you understand where they are coming from.Maybe something simple like grooming or dressing...but be adamant about the health issues.
I've found when dealing with older people it's best to often smile, nod, and listen but do what you think is right anyway.just don't argue with them about it.Say, hey thanks for the tip...and go on parenting the way you feel is best.
Hope this helps

A.-

I have read your story and also read the other replies- but I have to say- I would be LIVID if my mother in law was doing what your's is!!!!!!!!

Your child is the most precious gift that GOD can give, and I wouldn't let anyone interfere with that NO MATTER WHAT!!

I think you have to firmly tell your mother in law that although you appreciate her "advice" and "concerns" that you are this child's parent and things will be done your way. Everyone will have a chance to meet and get to know your child, but it will be done under your supervision and permission. I would definitely not let anyone take my child anywhere unless I was going with them.

I might also tell your mother in law that she is going Waaaay over board with the racial issue and she needs to cool it!

Hi A.!
First of all, it doesn't matter that you have an interracial relationship. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ! The bottom line here is that your have a set of grandparents who are very excited! Some like to think they are "know-it-alls" when it comes to your first child. After seriously thinking of your situation, here's what I suggest. First, you don't want to hurt their feelings...they are family. Yes, your husband is right, that they do need to have a relationship with the grandparents. The problem here is that they need to be GRANDPARENTS and not the parent. You and your hubby sit down with them (with child not there) and open up the conversation by letting them know how much you love them and appreciate all the attention they want to give your son. Then go on to saying that you and your husband are the parents and are the ones setting rules and guidelines for your child and that they need to obey these rules and guidelines. There is a reason why 3 week old babies don't get greens or get honey! They obviously don't see why it is wrong so you will have to explain that to them...that they are too young - if an allergic reaction were to happen, their little digestive system cannot tolerate it and they could become very sick.
This must be their first grandbaby b/c they are going ga-ga over him! The newness will wear off. As far as Christmas goes, they will just have to respect that you are a new family now and want to begin your own new traditions. It will hurt them (and probably you too), but with the support of your husband, it will work out. GOOD LUCK! :) P.S. Have a wonderful Christmas with your new little family!

Your hubby need to handle his parents. I wouldn't allow them alone with your child. Tell hubby how you feel. I completly agree with you and I hope for your and your childs sake that hubby isn't like his parents. Its kinda weird how they are so ready to raise your child so I would be really carefull with making sure you are there at all tiem and not leave your child alone with them.

Stick to your guns - these people are not doing what is best for your child; It is all about them. Your child will have plenty of time to "understand his black side" when he is older. I would NEVER leave my child alone with these people. Grandparents are important but not near as important as two parents working together, united on these important issues. I feel like they are being selfish and not treating you with any respect. This is not the example I would want for my child.

Don't give in!
K.

hey A.! i am sorry u are being placed in these difficult situations. from just a litte personal experience, i have just a few things that might be of some help.

first of all, always know that your inlaws usually mean the best. im sure they would never intentionally harm your son.

secondly, u ARE the mom, and thus~make the decisions for your son (with husband of course) but also, dont be so quick to discount their years of experience.

next, TACT TACT TACT is the key. never loose your cool. we women get really worked up about things, and a few days later realize how trivial it all was. i remember when my first baby just started eating solids. i wanted to experience every first with my baby, and when my mother in law gave her applesauce for the first time one day, i was FURIOUS!!!! i wanted to experience all the firsts!!! i laugh about it now. but then on the other hand, when my mother in law had cold sores on her lips (herpes simplex) and constantly kissed my newborn on the lips, we had to calmly put our foot down and say-no more!

TACT is a great art and a wonderful way to keep everyone happy. in laws are a blessing, sometimes a blessing in disguise!

lastly, this is the most important...in the heat of the moment, when u have had enough of all their absurd suggestions, and are FED UP...always always always think before u speak. NEVER burn bridges that u want to cross again later. i have a dear friend that finally had enough and gave her mother in law a piece of her mind. years later, she regrets it everyday that that she burnt that bridge.

grandparents/inlaws have so much love and J. and fun and warmth and presents:-) to give to your kids. they just take a little skillful managing ;o) in a little more time, things will calm down and she will give u some space.

i wish u all the best:o)

You and your hubby are the parents, and you make the rules. I do agree with the other posts, but I do have in laws that are simular to yours, and I did have to put my foot down. I explained to them that I do love them, and I love the attention that they give their grandchild, but when I say,"No", I mean it.I feel that they dont have the right to over ride you, and that they are trying to push your buttons. Dont flip out, but just stick to your guns.

Girl, I am sorry that you are going through this. First of all you need to talk to your husband. Explain to him how you are feeling. Talk to him about how you two are going to raise your children. Get him on the same page as you. Then both of you need to talk to his parents. If you dont do this as a couple than his mom will always behave like this and may not like you becuase of your beliefs. I know how hard it is raising a child in an interracial marriage. My husband is black and I am white. Luckily though my MIL is great and asks before she gives anything to the kids. I did have a similar incident though but this was concerning spanking. I dont beleive that it works but let myself be talked into by my in-laws and it has made the situation worse. Stick to your guns. Use your doctor as an escape goat. If she keeps getting on you about it offer to let her go to the docs with you and have your doctor explain why this needs to happen. Your child is only a few months old how is not giving him solid food denying him his black side? he doesnt know anything about color. He is just now remembering who you and your husband are. Whats gonna happen when he goes through his anxitey separation stage and not want to go to anyone but you and your husband. One word of wisdom. DO NOT LET anyone push your child into holding him if he doesnt want too. Its a stage it happens to everyone. They need to deal with it. If you ever need to talk or anything. I will be here. Good luck.

I know about unwanted inlaws. I have ecuadorian/spanish inlaws. They were rude to me from the beginning always coming over and changing however my pictures were arranged -to how my underwear was folded. When our 2nd daughter was born, they flew in from Ecuador to stay for 3 MONTHS!!!!!!! When I came home from the hospital and my bedroom was switched around-flowers everywhere and my clothes drawers were all neat-tidy right down to my unmentionables. Ready for a laugh? My vibrator-yes, I have one- (That was between the mattress and boxspring on my side of the bed) was standing upright on my dresser for all to see! I told her please stay out of our room-privacy ect. She says that spanish are very together people- Mabeye that is how your inlaws feel-
Now, about the honey ghetto or not, indian -black, jewish-whatever, honey causes botulism-which can cause death. Babies can have certain things before 6 months. Like applecauce, pear sauce-but not meat-or peanut butter-tell them that your child will know both of his heritages but safely. My inlaws wanted me to have the baby at their house in Ecuador-I was scared they would try to keep the baby. I wouldnt have been able to get her back to us because I didnt have a passport yet. They want to take my 6 yr old with them -I tell them flat out No. Its hard but tell them that your baby wont spend a night without you and noone else will feed the baby but you. What does you husband feel about this?
Take care,
K.

A.: I am an African-American mother who is about to give you a little advice about your in-laws... You need to explain to them that this is your child and your marriage and you appreciate their support, but the rasing of your child is your and your husband's concern, not theirs. And as for your pediatrician, you need to listen to him and not to any "Ghetto Pediatrician".. You need to take your child to a DOCTOR, not a MYTH.... Girl, listen to your pediatrician, to your heart and gut; because there are no steadfast rules on how to raise a child.. Any child, Black, White, Asian, Indian or any other race... My son is 11 years old and everyone tried to give me advise, but I just politely thank them for their imput and support, and told them; I was the parent and I would make all the decisons. If you do not need your In-Laws to help you with the care of your child, then you need to let them know; Thank you but no thank you for your input. Also you need to disscus this with you husband and let him know that the two of you need to have a united front, when it comes to dealing with his parents. Girl you better "nip this in the bud' now, before things get out of hand... Handle your business... Black or White, you and your husband need to stand together and up to the In-Laws... I will be praying for you, my sister...

WOW, DO I EVER FEEL LIKE I AM IN YOUR SHOES!!! My inlaws are quite difficult as well. You NEED to stand your ground, this is YOUR family, not theirs. I know you love them but they need to learn when to back off. I have had a hard time dealing with patience in this area and I have learned that my husband and I have to do what we think is best and they (the inlaws) will have to deal. I know it is tough but you have to be the one that makes the "rules" for your son. When they do things that you don't want for him, you need to tell them that this is your son and you are the ultimate decision maker. Maybe your husband can help you, since they are his parents. I know some grandparents just want to love their grandkids but they need to learn their place. Sorry to sound so harsh but I have been there/still are there and I have learned when to deal and when to just let go. This I don't think is a let go, you are his mother!!

Hope it all works out, contact me if you need more help

T. :)

Follow your gut feelings. Don't let her bully you into how to raise your child. Don't leave them alone with your son. And NEVER let them take your son in their car!!!
Be strong!!!!

Wow, this sounds tough. Your husband's right that your child needs to know his grandparents, but they need to back WAY off. You may have to be the middle ground here. They should not be feeding anything to your son--he's not ready for solid food even now, let alone earlier. My suggestion is this: listen to their child-rearing advice, say something neutral like "Thanks, I'll think about that," and then do what you want to do anyway. Some of what they'll offer will be useful, some won't--that's true of advice from anyone (including me, LOL). Reassure them that you want your child to know all of his heritage and that you will look to them to help in that effort as your child grows--but there's plenty of time for that. You need to find a way to convince your husband to back you up--it's you two who are raising your son, and while you can listen to and appreciate the advice of anyone, you two need to decide together what's best for your son. Your husband will need to see you being cooperative and trying to get along with the inlaws, too, so that it's apparent that you are doing your part to maintain family harmony. But your decisions regarding your child belong to you two, the parents, alone. Good luck!

I know how you feel. You just have to be strong when people try to tell you what to feed your child. Your his mom and know whats best for him. Just try to be polite about if you can I know its hard. I am 23 and I have two sons. My oldest is 3 and my little one is 2 months he was born this sept. and Every one is telling me to give him cereal to fill him and sayin when can he have food. I just simply say when his doctor says he can. Thats the end I change the subject. They think cause we are young we dont know what we are doin. They dont realize that things have changed and things are different from when they had there babies. Also do they know honey is dangerous for a baby under the age of 1? Not only are they goin against you by giving your child those foods but they are also putting there grandchild in danger. Thats how I see it. You are not alone I am dealing with it everyday if you need to talk I am here we can help each other. I also think your hubby should tell them to back off you a little cause if someday your parents were doin it to him he would want you to step in. Thats me and my fiance do, cause its easier for to tell his mom than me. I could go on forever about this. Just stay strong! Good Luck.

Hi A.,
Your story is so upsetting! I am in an interracial marraige & have been for almost 8 years now. We have 2 children together, and fortunately for us, neither sides of our family are complete racists as your husbands' family is! Plain & simple, that is the reality of your situation & it's very sad for both you & your husband, but especially your child. You are absolutely doing the right thing in cutting ties for the time being. They need to accept you for who you are & your child for who he is. Don't get me wrong, there are certain things, such as how to manage your children(s) hair, that they might have some insight on to help you, but how to feed & dress your child??? What toys to give him??? That's absolute nonsense! Mixed children, black, white, green, orange, or yellow, ALL kids play with the same toys. Furthermore, dangerous food is labeled dangerous for a reason, that does not get to be thrown by the way-side due to the race of the child. As long as you have your husband in agreement with you, and there with you showing a united front, you'll be OK. You don't need to explain to your in-laws how you are raising your child. Stand firm, you'll make it through. Just know that they're using your child as a way to show you how racist they truly are. Good luck, honey. Follow your instincts & your doctors instructions, & you'll make out just fine.

Next time your in-laws try to feed your infant honey, let them know that he will have plenty of time to try different foods and tell them to read this...

The general warning is that you should not feed honey to infants under twelve months of age. It should be fine for a two year old, and I have heard of using a daily teaspoon of raw honey as a treatment for allergies. It has something to do with the pollen and other substances in the raw honey helping the patient to build up some immunity to whatever they are allergic to, but you would think that it would trigger their allergies and make them worse until that happens. If not, then great, maybe give it a try.

Honey is also being used as a wound dressing in Australia because of its antimicrobial properties, sometimes working better than topical antibiotics against difficult to treat bacteria.

For a child under twelve months of age, there is a risk of botulism from eating honey and it should be avoided. The spores of the Clostridium botulinum bacteria can be found in honey, and when ingested by an infant, the spores can release a toxin that causes botulism.

Infant Botulism
According to the CDC, infants with botulism 'appear lethargic, feed poorly, are constipated, and have a weak cry and poor muscle tone,' which may 'progress to cause paralysis of the arms, legs, trunk and respiratory muscles.'
Although parents often know not to give their infants under twelve months of age plain honey, they often overlook other foods that contain honey in them, such as Honey Graham Crackers, Honey Nut Cheerios, Honey Wheat Bread, etc. Although the honey in these foods may be processed, it may not be pasteurized, and so may still contain botulism spores in them and should be avoided. If you feel strongly about giving these foods to your infant, call the manufacturer to make sure that they are safe.

I, too, have interfering in-laws so I feel your pain! Good Luck

Hi A.,
I myself know what your going through with inlaws. When I was pregnant with my son i got so upset over his mother wanting money. Cause before my husband got with me he used to help her with her bills. But i told him were going to have a family now he needs to support us not her. Well I ended so upset that I started bleeding in my 3 months of being pregnant. I just told my husband that it has to be me or his mother. Who is he going to pick. Of course he picked me and our son. But I would just tell your husband to maybe talk to them. Tell him that use appriciate their help but you want to raise your child the way you want to. And that your son will know that said of the family. But you and your husband need to stand together and support each other on this or its not going to work. As for the trip thing go well so she bought a car seat, tell her she can use the carseat for another time she might have him. So she won't think it went to waste you know. Any body should know that the first Christmas you want to be with your son in your own place. I can't believe she even suggested that. Sounds like she wants to have little ones around again.Maybe thats whats going on with her not sure. Anyways hope I helped you with that. take care and stand your ground!!!!!!! K.

OH Sweetie yes there are others like you. Well i am in in a interracial marriage but my inlaws are nuts!!! They are from Sunbury,PA its just like Maybury on TV. When my son was 7 days old i ran to 7-11 to get some milk, it was x-mas i came home and they where giving him coffee with liquar in it. OH i about freaked out! All my father-in-law talks about is when my son is a teenager and getting him drunk. Well i am not a hick and neither will my son be raised a hick. So when my husband was in Iraq me and my mother-in-law had it out. I let her and my father-in-law know there position in my family. I was the mom this is MY son and things will go my way. The main thing is you have to have a understanding husband that will back you up 100% if you dont than they will go to him and things will go there way.
There is no mom out there that will let there child to go away for the 1st x-mas HELL NO your completly in the right.
I hope this helped but girl you have to put your foot down and the sooner the better. I am always saying NO NO NO to them. They are slowly getting the hint.

A.
I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I come from a large italian family and my mother was like your mother in law. I have a 3 yr old son. But of course, it was easier for me to speak with her because she was MY mom. Don't ever take anything they say to heart, you and your husband know what is best for your child. You know this more than anyone else. It is an amazing thing. You have to hold your ground and tell them no. This is where your husband should intervene and stand up for you, since they are his parents. I can't even imagine going through all of that, especially being a new mom. I would stand my ground about the feeding thing, giving a child food too soon can cause many problems, and certain foods can cause allergic reactions, such as strawberries/peanut butter. I wish you the best! Be strong and stand your ground. I use to tell my mom...this is my child and I make all decisions pertaining to him...she hated it at first but she grew to respect it.

hi i could relate to some of ur pain ...but u have to lay down thee ground rules frist its start with ur husband he needs to understand that u guys r his imediate family and he needs to understand where u r commin from trust me no 1 was ever born knowin what a mom is [im a frist mom to] u have to set it straight with ur in laws dont get mad with them tell them it in a stern way how u feel, and this thing boput wantin to take ur son for 3 days to ny well.....thats a big nono ..... my son hes almost 3 months and i wont even let him stay a night @my own family houes much less would i let him go away without us. hes to liltte to go ne way withoutyou. i think all moms snd mother in law think they know best and we dont but sometimes u just have to draw the line..and dont worry ur son will get to know his grandparents they will b there all his growin age. i dont go everytime by my in laws and they live 20 mins away sometimes if they have something i just tell my husband to go. if ur husband wants to make u to work hes gonna have to compermise some things. give him an altimatum hope i was helpful

A.,

I feel your pain, and think you SHOULD move to Canada! Your inlaws sounds awful and very uneducated. You are right - you cannot give your baby honey until he is 1 year! You also cannot give your son food until he is 6 months (at least 4 months, but they are saying 6 months to make sure his digestive system is fully developed. I say 6 months of ONLY breastmilk and/or formula - and NO rice cereal in the formula!)

Your MIL is insane for wanting to take your baby home from the hospital! Your FIL needs to get out of the ghetto and should NEVER wish a ghetto doctor for his grandson! He should want better for him than that! I am so sorry. I moved away from my unbearable mother. Sometimes that is the only answer. I am guessing your inlaws do not have a lot of money, so if you move far away, they might not be able to afford airfare and hotel fare! Best of luck!