Help Me End a Culture Clash with My Selectively Deaf In-laws!

The number one important thing with grandparents and grandchildren is safety. If the grandparents don't watch babies carefully, or let them play with a jar of nuts for example, and you don't think that's safe then you have to say something and say it forcefully. Make your stand and choose your battles wisely, but safety is non-negotiable. Beyond any safety issues, however, its better to back off. Just let your in-laws (and parents) enjoy their grandkids. Don't make a big issue out of nap times and schedules and how they relate to their young grandchildren. Just let that relationship take its own course and try not to manage it too much.

The bond between grandparents and their children can be a very important relationship in a young child's life. I clashed with my in-laws early on when my kids were young, but I realized it just wasn't worth fighting with them about how I wanted things to be done. When other people interact with your kids, they learn about being flexible and having things done a different way from mommy and daddy. And you have to figure, these people raised a kid you you ended up falling in love with and marrying, so they can't be that bad.

Just relax and try not to take things too personally, even if they are meant to be so. Focus on your beautiful twins and try to enjoy this time. Good luck!

Hi L. :) Unfortunately your in-laws views are their views. Chances are they are to the point where their heels are in the ground and not moving. We can't change how other people are. THAT BEING SAID-they should respect your rules. These are your children, not theirs. You are not currently practicing the culture they practiced when they had kids. I agree with previous advice. Try to make the get togethers at your house so that you can supervise the activity and interaction. LOL Isn't it funny how the grandparents can act like toddlers with their selective hearing? Just like a toddler, use repition and like the other mom said, it might come down to limiting visits until they get the point. Hopefully they will realize it's their behavior limiting the visits, not yours. (Because I am sure they think you are being unreasonable.) It's wonderful that you have a supportive husband. He's the one you come home to at the end of the night and his support is the most important, because, after all, you are a team. Kudos to both of you and good luck!
~S.

I have no good advice for you ... I just wanted to say I totally get you. I too have a mother-in-law who will actually do it more when I ask her nicely (albeit repeatedly) not to do something and then when I eventually blow up or snap, she's suddenly a "victim" to my anger ... acts like I'm some demon or something and tells others that too. The HORROR!

As it stands, we're estranged. She began to talk to my 4 yr old about how evil her mommy was and then told her to keep it a secret. Thank God she told me. And we're even from the same culture and I don't have twins. I wonder if it's an old-age thing although I haven't noticed it in other older people. Maybe it's a boundaries issue. I hope others have some great advice.

My husband's family is of a different culture than mine. Of course they have been here for several generations, so I don't feel that "culture" is a good excuse for what they do, but there it is.

They have a problem respecting my wishes regarding my child's diet. My daughter reacts very badly after eating sugary foods. She is fine with not eating sugary foods, but my ILs have to keep testing this boundary, for some reason. I have explained the sugar thing over and over and over again. Yet if I say "no" to a slice of cake, they are immediately asking if she can have ice cream instead.

I'll admit I have lost my patience and snapped "NO" loudly. Yes they are offended. But my first priority is to take care of my daughter.

My husband claims they forget, but I think it is more like they "forget." It feels like they are just trying to undermine me and make a point about who's in control (they have a history of this).

As a result, we do not see them very often, and I will not allow my daughter to be with them without me present. I know that makes me seem like the control freak, but in the end everyone is clear about what happens when Mom is undermined.

BTW if my own mother does something that might compromise my daughter's health or safety, I call her on it as well, sometimes loudly. Difference is, she listens to me and respects my wishes. I have no problem with Grandparents doting on or even spoiling my child a little, but I will not have her health or safety compromised.

My "other culture" in-laws do the same thing, but I've noticed if I compliment them a lot on the things they do good and right, they seem to respect the times I step in (sometimes....their stubborn!). It's annoying when you say something and they act like nobody said anything, but the easiest way for me is to get my husband to say it, and then look sympathetic to their annoyance while inforcing whatever the big mean hubby said. The only other thing is to just let some things go. If the lid is on tight, maybe playing with the nuts isn't that big of deal (I know, their your first, but try relaxing a bit with them) They aren't retarded, just old and .....different. I have a hard time, since I'm the one with my daughter all day, and I'm "The boss" when it comes to my kids, but really, they aren't going to hurt the girls. Your husband and his siblings managed to live this long, so try and trust that all will be ok with your kids too. Good luck.

I live in a VERY multicultural state (Hawaii), and I have a multicultural family and multicultural husband. I totally understand what you are saying about your Asian in-laws. Yes, that is how it is in their culture. Bravo for your husband actually standing up for you, and to his parents. ENCOURAGE this, always. Praise him for this, so there is no resentment later. At least your Mother In Law says she understands. But sure, you want to see in in action. Your Father in Law.... well that is his upbringing and culture. BUT, you as a family, YOUR family, needs to be cohesive in all aspects with upbringing your children. You don't have to do as Father in Law wishes. Your Husband is the Man of your family...and the head of your household. He needs to start a "new" tradition. So your Father in Law "sees" it. Yes, Grandparents can wield lots of power in certain cultures. But, your family is "separate" and he needs to see this. They have been in this country long enough. It is terrific that you are very culturally aware and sensitive. Bravo to you for that. You know, it WILL take time... your Father in Law is not used to it. But, you need to show your "status" as a family & as Parents... stand your ground, in a gentle manner, so as not to "offend." Again, you don't have to
let it go and have them go hog wild with taking over your children or household. With strong Matriarchal & Patriarchal cultures... this is the way things are done. But, if they see that you are not having it, perhaps they will "respect" that. The "deaf ear" thing is common to so many grandparents, not just Asian. For your Husband, he needs to continue to show HIS "status" in his family to his parents. By "status" I don't mean money-status. I mean "social" status, "familial" status.
Your In-Laws may never get truly used to it... but they may mellow over time. They need to listen to you, you are their grandchildren's Mother. "Promote" this idea. Seriously. It is grown respect in Asian culture. They need to see what "territory" is their's and which is not. Good luck!
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Dearest L.,

I also went through a similar situation you are currently going through. I have been married for 11 years with two daughters. When my first daughter was born, she was my in-laws first grandchild. While I was working, both my mother and mother-in-law took care of my daughter. When my husband and I got married, we agreed that any "problems" that had to do with our parents, we would handle it with each other's parents. For ex. if there was a problem with my parents, we would discuss it and I would be the one to handle it with my parents and he with his. This way there would be no or little misunderstanding and anger. My mother in law would spoil my daughter, at the time she was about 2-3 yrs. old, to the bone. My rules and discipline would not matter. At the time, my daugter loved to chew gum. And of course, this was not good for her teeth and for her safety. Well my mother in law, including my mother would give her gum at anytime my daughter would ask for some,regardless if I had already spoken with them about not doing so. I had spoken to my husband about this problem, many many times. He also spoke with his mother many many times, but as your inlaws were, mine were also deaf to my rules and discipline. Because of this, my husband and I went through alot of problems, and my inlaws living with us was not helping the situation any better. When they moved out, I finally thought that the problem would resolve itself, but it didn't. So I took matters into my own hands and did the drastic thing I said and threaten everyone I would do. I took my daughter away from my mother in law. My daughter was not allowed to visit my in laws or go anywhere with them. If my mother in law wanted to see her, she would need to come visit her in MY house and with MY supervision. My own mother thought this was too harsh and drastic, but understood. She began to listen to my rules. My husband tried talking to me about it, but I told him that his mother did not respect me as a mother or person. She needed to follow my rules when it came to our daughter. One thing is to spoil them with gifts and love. But when a parent of a child says, "No" it's No. She needed to respect me and my daughter's mother. I understood that it was her first grandchild and had a special bond, but that doesn't give her the right to dismiss my authority over my daughter. She had her children and raised them as she thought was right, now it was my turn.
It's not about culture, it's about RESPECT!. Respect for the parents. My mother in law has always thought that I was a very harsh and terrible mother, even though she's never said it out loud. Everyone thought that by doing this, I was being terrible and unfair. But I didn't care. I needed to get my point accross and I did. Months later, she finally got the idea. Now that I have a second child, things are very different, even with my oldest daughter. Mom's rules are mom's rules. Grandparents rules are a little different and ok as long as they don't interfere or clash with the child's parents rules.
I truly hope that you won't have to take harsh measurements, but sometimes drastic measuarements is the only way people will hear you....

Good Luck,
em

Hi L.,

I can so relate!!! My family is not multi-culural, but "deaf ears" is so happening all the time. I am coping with it by talking to my sisters, and my husband about his mother - almost daily. He does stick up for me as well...but he always ends it with "she will never change"...hang in there...I am tired too!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Please remember, God always hears our prayers :)

hi L.! i hear you and feel for you. i've been in your position many times w/my m-i-l. i also have twin boys who are now 2 y/o. i dont know if its the "twin thing"?? i too noticed that my m-i-l changed since the twins came into all of our lives. we have an older son who's 4, but she wasnt as controlling and complicated as she became when the twins were born.

i really dont know what to say because it got so out of hand w/my m-i-l that we're not even on speaking terms w/her anymore. it's like you cant win w/the older, traditional people. (we're a filipino-american family) we try to work with them and help them adjust to american ways and try to start raising our own family in america, but then they think ur disrespecting them otherwise.

at least your husband hears your side and stands up for you the way my husband did. i think that's important to at least have that support. i'm here for you if you want to vent some more. good luck!

Listen Honey,

You need to calm down and back up and be respectful to your inlaws. Respect is one of the most important things in many cultures, especially in the Asian countries.

They are not going to hurt your children, and they WILL not allow you to tell them what to do. Just wait until someone younger than you are tells you something snotty. Boy, will your hair stand on end - and tingle - truly.

I know that you are a good person and a good mother and a good daughter in law. Now that you are a mother - you still need to continue all of those roles with dignity and trust.

I don't know what else to say - the only time that you should say anything is when your child is in danger. I highly doubt that the grandparents will be neglient with the twins safety.

Of course they don't 'hear' you, they have respect so deeply engrained in their souls that they do not want to speak disrespectfully to you.

You are a very lucky girl to have suddenly dropped into the Chinese culture. It is rich and you will learn so much wisdom if you will just listen and communicate properly.

This is the truth as I see it.

C. N. WASP

L. I think you have every right to be a little frustrated, however enjoy them while you can. The best way to handle this, is sitting down with them and explaning your concerns, otherwise you might just have to deal with it. Stubborn grandparents really never change.

Good luck. The only thing that I can say is kudos to your husband for speaking up for you. I don't know what an ABC is.