Are They Wrong or Am I?

I'm not going to tell you who's right, but I will tell you (from the same experience) that disowning my family would not have even been close to the right decision for me. Once I was out of the relationship, my life was so much better simply because I had the relationship with my parents back, which I realized then was much more important to me than some guy!

I understand what you are going through. My mother went through the exact thing. What you will need to decide is what will make you happier. Don't give up

I'm so sorry for your hurt. Here's my suggestion.

First, I wouldn't try to push anything with your parents. For whatever reason, they're not ready for it. If it's purely a racial issue time may soften them. Is it possible that they're worried about something else? For example, could they think he's a troublemaker? That is something that really gets parents up in arms, trust me.

In either case, at 19 and supporting yourself, you're an adult. The choices are yours. Since it sounds as though the separation from your family really bothers you, here's what I'd do.

Write them a letter explaining that you do not want to hurt their feelings and understand they don't agree with the relationship. I would include some of his good qualities that draw you toward him and tell them that you hope they can also see those qualities, and one day come to see him the way you do. Don't tell them you're right or they're wrong. Just explain why you like him. I'd also send one to your brothers, adding that because of the disagreement with them, that you're unable to be with them which bothers you.

As sad as your dilemma is, you're parents are also adults. If you've decided to pursue this relationship (& I'm not saying you're wrong to do so) then you have to accept that your parents might not. On the other hand, if you only act respectfully and with love toward them, your attitude may help them learn to change theirs! When your brothers get older, they can make their own choice.

I pray for peace and wisdom as you are on this journey.

Sweetie, let me start off by commending you on wanting to grow up and make your own decisions--too many these days won't even try to stand for something.
However, love, are you sure that this is about their not liking the fact that he's of another race, or do you think that they just may be looking out for their daughter? You're grown--I realize that; your parents may have many faults and flaws--I realize that as well. But dear, have you thought about just putting some distance between you and your boyfriend JUST to think, and see if maybe he IS the right one? I've always felt that if a young gentleman loves a woman, he WILL NOT want to see her unhappy in ANY way; he won't be selfish (wanting you all to himself, knowing that you aren't seeing your parents AND he's NOT married to you). Take a stand, baby-girl, yes; but make absolutely sure that the "stand" is for the right thing. If your parents are being "hateful", God knows, and He will reveal all of that; if they just want their daughter to reach for the stars and be what God created her to be (whether it be with this young man or whomever God has ordained for your life), then don't "miss" what God can do through your obedience. Don't be deprived of happiness with your loved ones. If this young man really loves you, he'll agree because he'll want you happy, and he'll want everything to be in order.

i understand how ur feeling. im 26 years old now and my mom kicked me out of the house when i was 19 due to the guy that i was dating. my parents thought he was a bad influence on me bc they felt that he made me a different person. well he did. he made me happy. my dad was the one that had a problem with him at first bc of his race and my mom was the one pushing me to date him. when i started dating him, there was a connection that ive never felt with anyone else, he listened to me, he appreciated me for me, he liked all my little quirks, he didnt mind all the drama i brought and the baggage i carried with me. he just loved me for me and i knew that i was completely in love. we would only see each other 2 nights a week, friday and saturday night, and we would stay out until 2 or 3 am, mainly bc i didnt wanna go home. my parents thought it was him making me stay out "til all hours of the night" when it wasnt. thats when my mom started disliking him. she started saying that he had such an attitude with her and was disrespectful of the family and so on and so on. i came home one night around 230am and my mom met me at the door and went off on me, sat me down like a 5 year old, and proceeded to yell at me until 7am. thats when she told me to pack my bags and get out. so i started packing and she left to take my brother to work. i called my bf to come get me on his lunch break when she would be gone and he did. i packed whatever i could and left. she didnt think i would actually leave. it hurt her to see me gone. to this day, i dont have the relationship that i had with my mom before that day. i miss her but i cant go back to where we were. she has since called me apologizing for what happened and hopes that i will come around more often. its hard but i try. i go back, not as the person i was, but as the person i am now. i moved very far away from home, i moved to alaska, and my parents missed me "growing up". i dont like that my parents didnt have the influence on me when i was beginning to be out on my own like most parents have on their children. i didnt purposefully move to alaska to get away from them, there were other circumstances that i wont mention but thats where i did my "growing". im telling u this story to hopefully help u decide how u want ur relationship to be with ur parents. i dont fully know ur circumstances or ur bf and how he is towards ur parents and family. i hope that u read my story and whatever similarities we have, help u.

i think that as far as an apology being made by you, if its gonna help u have peace of mind, u should. but im also wanting to tell you not to apologize for living ur life and being with someone that makes you happy. u shouldnt have to apologize for doing what you feel is best for you. if it doesnt work out with ur bf and u go home, are your parents still gonna love u and open the door with open arms? more than likely they will bc they're ur parents and they love you, unconditionally. but you also have to ask yourself, what if it ends up working out? ur parents are gonna have to be accepting of ur life no matter how much they hate it. as someone thats been there, i say do whats best for you. whats the worst thing that could happen... you make mistakes and learn from them? i call that life. you also mentioned that ur dad was the one thats mostly against ur choices, is it possible to meet ur mother for lunch or something and see where u stand with ur dad and ur mom as well. maybe she could be ur link back inside to help ur dad understand. i also had the same problem with my lil brother. he felt that i abandoned him and we had to work on our relationship. i say invite him out to do stuff with u, hang at ur house or whatever, just dont let that bond slip away.

oh, ur probably wondering about my bf and i and if it worked out. well... we're still together. we've been together for 9 1/2 years, we've been married for 22 months this month and have a beautiful 18 month old son. my parents are very accepting of him now and treat him as their own son. it all comes down to respect from both sides and if its meant to be, it'll be!

i hope that my rambling is helpful on some level and i wish the best for you! please, if u feel the need to talk more, message me anytime! i will do my best to respond as quickly as i can. i wish you my best!

Blood is THICKER than anything else...........
Reading your story has me thinking about our 22 year old daughter WHO JUST moved out with some friends (and there are things we don't agree with her life either) and HOW I MISS her SO VERY MUCH.
You'll never know that STRONG FEELING in your heart that PARENTS have until you have one child of your own. It's a HURT that's EVERLASTING......
If you're having some guilt----I truly believe that's it's GOD working in your heart about HOW lucky you really are to have parents who REALLY care. There are SOME parents who WISH their children are OUT and that's IT with them......
NOT ME------
I'll be praying for you.......
God Bless
C.
Louisiana

You need to ditch the guy and focus on what is right for you. When I say you, I mean building the person that you are. Go to school, explore the world. It doesn't matter if he is black, white, hispanic, or blue! You are way to young to be making such huge decisions? I mean, really ask yourself "Is this really that important to me or do I just want to be right?" Are you standing up because you are against your parents being racist (who knows if they really are) or because you just can't help yourself, you want to give your future over to this boy? Your parents love you and you will not understand their position until you have your own. You don't have to agree with everything they think but you know that they would never ever want something for you that would hurt you. Take it from a mother...you are their heart walking outside their bodies. They want the very best for you because you deserve it on every level. If I ended up with the boy that I was so madly in love with when I was 19, I would have a lot to deal with now. You will not be attracted to the same things when you are 30 (and it will come quicker than you think) that you are now. You don't even know what you don't know. Again....DITCH THE GUY, FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

You said it yourself...your generation is different from theirs. They were raised in a different time than you. This could be something that is holding them back. Your ears would burn for sure if you'd heard the racist things I had to hear while growing up in the south, and I'm white! It is a TOTALLY different attitude with people that were, in a way, forced to believe that we belonged with our own kind...it's called a generational sin or bond. It's passed down. That's just how it was.
Now that I'm a Christian and grown up, I myself realize how foolish people can be about silly things such as skin color. If you continue to pray hard about this situation and the softening of their hearts, maybe it will bring about a change in their lives. If this man is the true one that you want to keep in your life and is worthy of marriage, then it won't matter what your family says about him. It won't break your love. Look deep into your relationship before you burn bridges to be certain that you just aren't rebeling. If you are serious, then just maybe your parents will be able to see that and start taking it seriously, as well. It's possible, with your age, that they think you are playing around and trying to "get to them". I don't know your situation personally, but I very much hope that your family will come around in time and start to heal and love again.

hey Tiff--I am so sorry you're going through this! From the beginning of time there have been interracial relationships-- ie.between presidents & servants. I'm in AL where sadly a lot of racisim still exist.. ironically so do a ton of mixed raced relationships! I have found that most of the girls-many my friends-had parents who adamently expressed disapproval for this & were openly racist-makes ya say hmm. All I know is that usually it took a baby to mend the parent/daughter conflict-KNOW I'm not encouraging that but just what I've seen-they didnt want 2 miss their grandchild's life. ya know-life is full of choices but sometimes who you fall in love with isn't one!! ethnicity is irrelevant-as long as he treats you right-you're not wrong!! I hope this works out for you! if you changed for your parents-you wouldn't be happy and that's what I'd tell them--they should just want to see you happy! They don't have to agree w/it but if they want you in their life-they have to accept you for what you are--an open-minded, independent, working woman! God Bless!! one of my fav quotes--'the heart wants what it wants-there is no logic in that'.

Maybe you could stop looking at this situation as "who is wrong". Certainly no one should ever be hateful to another human being because of the color of their skin...or for any other matter. Maybe you could ask your father and mother if the three of you could meet. You could go somewhere where you can talk...on neutral ground. Tell your parents how much you love them (you don't have to apologize) and that you want this fighting to end. Tell them you want to respectfully disagree with their opinion on this matter. Your parents want to feel respected from their little girl. You will always be their little girl, so when you make choices they don't agree with its scarey for them. However, your parents shouldn't be unkind and unchrisitan to anyone!!!! Don't let them do that, just ask them to talk and tell them you want to be in their lives, but you respectfully disagree with their opinion. Good luck, God bless you.

I am sorry about your situation at home. But you have to make choices that you have to make. You are at that age now that you can make wise decisions. Im proud that you are mature enough to make your own decisions. I hope the best for you and your boyfriend. It should never be based on the color of your skin but how he treats you! Good luck T.!

It's wrong for your parents to act like that. Racism is a form
of hate and when they are standing at the gate looking at St.
Peter, they will be judged heavily, as they judged on earth.
We are equal, all brothers and sisters, color is what we look
for on a car,house,boat,etc. People should be judged by the
content of their character and not the color of their skin. I
really am sorry your parents have disowned you, I grew up with
two racist parents and I had to sneak around to have my black
friends(I was only 12). I will be praying for you and your family.

To answer bluntly, neither of you are totally right. Your family needs to be there for you, and you need to be there for them. Shutting you out of their life is (probably) just their way of dealing with a situation they can't handle.

For example, My best friend was determined to be with a man who beat her. She didn't see it that way, but the bruises made it obvious. She's my best friend, but I had to shut her out because she wouldn't listen to me and I couldn't deal with it.

I'm not saying your boyfriend abuses you, but there may be other issues going on that you are too close to see. If your relationship with your family has been as close as you say, then there's probably something more going on than race issues. Or it may just be a personal issue from your dad's past.

I don't necessarily think an apology should be made by you, you did what you thought was best, just like they did, so don't expect one from them either. 19 is a tough time for parents. They have to trust that the past 18 years of raising you actually sunk in. It's hard to trust that your child actually listened and they will make the best decision. Talk to your parents. Always talk. Even after a blow up, wait a week, then try again. But don't walk away from the people you've known all your life. Try and find a way to agree to disagree.

It is true that your parents not liking this guy b/c of race is wrong. It is also true that they may have other concerns for you disregarding race. I got married at 18 and had a baby at 19. I of course thought that I knew everything. In retrospect now at 31, I can see that I was very immature and knew nothing about life. My life has turned out great, but there are many decisions that I wish I had made taking advice from more experienced grown ups instead of having a know it all attitude. I also know that my life would not be as great as it is today had I disowned my family. Good Luck

i think that you should follow your heart and i don't believe that you are wrong in any way, i'm 30 yrs old and don't have parents and i've done alright myself. But i don't think that you should feel guilty about making choices that you think is right, you have to remember that its your life and if its wrong then you will know it. And as for your parents i think that they should support you in your decision thats what we parents do, I have 4 kids and if one of mine came to me and told me they were dating outside of their race wether i thought it right or not i would support them in their choice and i would be there if something should happen and pick up the pieces without judging them and telling them "I told you so" that never helps matters. I wouldn't apoligize because that only insinuates that you did something wrong and if you truly don't feel like theres anything wrong then thats good. Rememeber its your life and you have to live with the choices not them.

Well, I believe that your parents are ignorant for their racial hate. But they are your parents and they will be there for you when the young man won't. Parents are a great gift of God. You should ask to meet with them and explain your hurt for the disconnection in the family relationship that was once there. You should also talk with the young man and make sure that he is that great guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, do not chose him over your parents. Do not make choices like that in your life. Your parents have a problem with race and they should seek mental help quickly. In this present day they are living a very sad life. They are no doubt disease with hate, but have to face reality God put the mix there and theirs nothing that they can do about it.

I think they are wrong because who you choose to be with is your choice. As long as he's good to you and doesn't put his hands on you or harm you in anyway they should be happy for you because you are happy for yourself. That will last a long time too because i have been with my husband for 7 1/2 years and my mom died when i was 12 years old and she never got to meet him, but my dad on the other hand hates him and he has never done anything to my dad or to me or our 3 children for my dad to hate him, but he still hates him. I have just recently hear from my dad that he is jealous because my husband id a better father to our 3 children thatn my dad was to us. That is one of the reasons why he is like that. I don't really know for sure what the other reasons are yet, but i do know he calls him gay because he has long hair and our son has long hair too so i asked my dad was my son gay because his hair is long and he said no. So he just wants tofind any reason to hate my husband. I don't let him come over to my house because my husband shouldn't have to leave home or feel uncomfortable in his own hose because my dad is here so i just don't let him come over. That is an ongoing issue that will go on for years to come for you and i hate to tell you that but it is true because i am still going through it and i feel the same way that you do. But there is nothing we can do about but try to stay family orientatd as much as they will allow us to and still show our companions the same ove that we have shown them since day one so that they won't start feeling left out like we feel. Good luck!!! Also you need to pray and in due time it will get asier for you to handle trust me becaus mines has but it is still not like i want it to be.

I have never responded before,but felt compelled to this time.My daughter has a friend named Diane who was disowned by her Dad because she is white and was dating a hispanic boy.She was 18 at the time.She moved out when she graduated and got a place of her own.Her Mom would still talk to her,but just said,You know how your father is!!That was 11 years ago.She thinks of my husband as her 2nd father.Her Dad still will not talk to her even though she broke up with that man. She married last year, to a man her father seems to like.Her father gave her away at the wedding without ever speaking to her.He left right after the ceremony. He still pretty much ignores her unless absolutely forced to speak to her.She is a very strong person and has her friends and us. She comes to our house for Christmas!! Some people don't have the capacity to love their children like they should. I always tell my children,You could be an axe murderer and I would still love you.It's your life. Live it for your happiness, whatever that is and don't look back.They will come around or they won't.Don't apologize for your life and who you love. Life is way to short.Do what you want and go where you want,just don't go where the guilt is!!Guilt tears you down. Hope this helps!! JOYCE

I am old enough to have gone to school in the segregated South, so I know how ingrained things can be. If you are sure that this man is who is right for you, he doesn't have to be right for your parents. But please, be sure that you are not in a relationship that negates YOUR rights! Have you finished high school? Start taking college classes, at least one. Do something to show your parents (and yourself) that this relationship is not holding you back from fulfilling your potential as an individual.

You can always apologize and reachout from your side for things that you might have said in anger or frustration; however, that does not mean giving into racist ideology. Your parents love you deeply but have deep rooted ideas that you do NOT have to choose to accept. My parents disowned my elder sister for 7 years due to an interracial relationship and how it effected our standing or the way people looked at us in our community. In the end they all put their feelings aside and began tying to rebuild that relationship. Personally, I feel you can reachout without sacrificing your relationship with a good man or being disrespectful to your parents. You can always explain all of the wonderful things about your bf (job, going to school?, renting/owning home, loves kids, christian?, ect.) but also give them the disclaimer that these are the reasons you love him but that doesn't mean they have to and that your personal relationships are just that personal. They can choose to still love and have a relationship with you and maybe in the future him but they don't have to include him right now if they are not ready. But , they are and always will be your parents and family (little bro) and you still need them because they are such a strong part of you. They just need to understand that there is a balance on what influences they now have in your life as an adult and your personal bf relationship is off limits but your love is still available to them. Good luck and let us know as things progress.

I think it's very sad that your parents feel that way. I am 53 and white and was brought up probably the same way your parents were. I have a 12 yr. old daughter who I have taught to be "color blind" and if she wanted to date a person of another race when she gets older, I would be o.k. with it as long as he treated her right. She's had many black girlfriends that I've liked very much. A long time ago my mother said she'd disown me if I ever dated a black man. Just recently I asked her the question again (she's 83) and she said no, she wouldn't. She has seen how the times have changed, so maybe there is hope for your parents. They should realize that we are all God's children no matter what color.

Probably a little of both, I have grown children, older than you and do remember all families have their problems. My only advice is to be sure to keep the lines of communication open if at all possible with whomever you can talk with, e-mail, phone, send letters, special occasion cards etc.This may all have to generate from you. It may have a lot to do with if your parents allow your brothers to keep in touch with you. What about grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc. local or away? The only thing I am sure of is prayer and time helps. Do you have a church/temple/synagogue support group or do they that accepts and can love you and the young man through this? Also over time maybe they will observe that this young man is for you and accept him. Be sure to not give them any grounds to say "We told you so" and if trouble develops do not allow yourself to stay in a situation you do not want to continue through pride. Know in your heart that they still love you and you did seem to know that. Hopefully this will not take years but it may. Do not give up on them, they haven't given up on you just not adjusted to some decisions you have made. do remember at 19 not all of my decisions were the wisest I every made. Remember, if you have contact, keep it loving and family safe. Good luck.

As with you, your parents have the right to feel as they do about your choice, rather it's right or wrong. If you feel you've made the right choice for you, then there shouldn't be any guilt, maybe a feeling of loss, missing your parents, sibling, ect. As we live our lives we all make choices, that's how we grow and hopefully devolope our own personality that teaches us wisdom to become mature adults.(maybe some smarter than others) even as you grow and mature your choices may not be the same as they'll be when you're say 40 years old, or you may think now why did i do that, say when you're 20, about a choice you made at 13, or 12. The reason is because you've grown and things you've experienced in life has made you make realize another choice may have been made. Anyway things have a way of working out, try seeing your family w/out your partner, that way you'll still keep that bond with your family.

You have chosen this relationship knowing that your parents felt strongly about interracial dating. Are you sure you love this guy or are you rebelling against your parents (not unusual at your age)?

I have a friend who is in an interracial, intercultural marriage (she is black and her husband is Mexican). They have two beautiful children. She tells me that if she had it to do over again, she would never have done it. She loves her husband and her children but she says it is harder than she ever imagined. Their marriage is not truly accepted by families and friends on both sides.

Your parents have a right to feel the way they do. You have a right to choose what you want to do. Just be sure to weigh the consequences of your actions and choices. Is this guy truly worth losing your family relationship? If you feel he is, then fine but you will need to accept the loss of your family and hope that one day, you can get them back.

Hi Tiff, I am sorry for your loss of family & love one's, But it happens every day, Yes you are growning up in a different Genaration, But your parents will not feel the way you do,about this guy, And may never, My husbands sister is married to a black guy, And none of the family is friendly with them, I think you need to talk to God a long time about this, And what will be will be, I think if you and he will not stay togather, There will always be this between your parents & you Joy....

I don't know enough of your situation to know who is right and who is wrong. I wanted to give you something to think about. I know several young ladies who got involved with men of a different race. As an outsider, looking on, it seemed to me that they had purposely gotten involved with someone they knew would cause their families to be upset, to try to say, "Don't tell me what to do!" It seemed to me that they were "using" the young men. They accused their families of bigotry, and that accusation was truthful, however, there were other issues. Be sure you are not "using" this young man to declare your independence. You would be just as guilty of bigotry as your family. If you can honestly say that is not the case, and he is a fine man, then you are going to have to accept a life where some will not like what you have done. It isn't right, but that is the way the world is. If you are living with him outside of marriage, it seems you have reservations about him yourself, or you would not hold off comitting yourself to him. Examine yourself.

At 19 your life is just beginning to unfold. It sounds as though you are in love. Even at 19 everything is new. You did not say exactly what issues your parents had. Is it really with the fact that your boyfriend is of a different race or is it that they don't agree with you moving so fast--out on your own. Family is forever. It is good when you live your life so that you can always "go home again". I see nothing wrong with people of different races dating or marrying--but something is wrong if that person only wants to date people of a certain race. Thats like only wanting to date light skinned people, or someone with long hair, etc.

Keep your relationship with your parents. Can't say whether you owe them an apology or not. Were you disrespectful to them. Always be respectful to your parents. Regardless of your age I think living together and not being married is like the old saying --"Why should you buy the cow if you are getting the milk free". Women loose in a live together not married relationship. There are no commitments really because either one of you could fall back on "well we aren't really married'. What are your plans for the future? You should consider college. You will make much more money with a college degree. What do you think will happen if the relationship does not work out and you can't pay your bills? Who will you call.

Really be honest with yourself about why you are feeling guilty. I have faith that no matter your age you really do have a lot of the answers within you--it may be that you don't really want to choose that route.

Above all else-----please take all precautions to not get pregnant! That would be adding to your problems right now. There is so much you have to consider.

You may not think you understand your parents reasons, but more than likely you may just dont agree. Don't know your parents ages, but moral issues remain the same if your parents are christians.

Best of luck to you. You can also seek counseling to help you work things out on what is the best route to take. But by all means I hope you can maintain some contact with your parents.

Awww, T., my heart goes to you. At your age you still need your parents around... and it's a shame that your parents are letting a relationship get in the way.

Don't burn any bridges from your end. Always let them know that you are open to continuing the relationship you had with your parents.

Would apologising mean that you would have to give up your boyfriend?

is he worth it.. is he,,no matter what race he is,, worth losing your parents over?

I had to reply to this one as I was a daddy's girl myself. I know how hard it is for Dad to accept anyone for his little girl. (In Daddy's eyes, nobody was good enough for his little girl!!) There were times that Dad tried to continue to tell me how to live my life and to be honest, I wish that I had listened to him more often than I did. Granted, I was in my 20's and supporting myself and no longer lived under his roof. But I surely wounldn't have wound up in one of the situations that left me abused! Had I listened to Dad's advice, I would have seen that what he told me was the truth but I, too, thought that I was head over heels in love. "I" was in love but the man wasn't so much in love with me. He was one of the worst situations I had ever been in. But that is another story.
My opinion on this is that maybe you need to step back and look at the relationship you are in. Is it really worth losing your family over? Will he be there for you when you need him most, or will Daddy be the one to finally step in and pick up the pieces when all is said and done?
Also, if you have a guilt trip going, don't you think that maybe you are wrong? Is this guilt trip caused by you or your family? If this relationship is real, why do you live with guilt? Are you sure that you didn't continue with this just because your parents don't agree and you are trying to prove something?
I have been down this road myself and it can be very destructive if you aren't very careful! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stand up for yourself but don't lose your family. You ALWAYS need your family and they will always be in your heart.
I hope that you make amends with your family soon. You never know when you or one of them will draw their last breath. I lost my Dad in January this year and I am thankful that we had a good relationship but I certanily miss him and having his advice!
Take care and best wishes.

Is there anyway you can get the two of them together or write a letter tell them what you found so good about this young man. IS it possable they is something beside his race they are worry about. Does he treat you right? does he have a good job or plans for one when he done with his schooling? Also can you and your family agree to disagree on this one issues and still spend time together.

You have no control over what your parents choose to do, but you do have a choice over what you do. And if you knew how your parents felt and still made your choice then you have to live with the consequences of your choice whether that is good or bad. And maybe some day they will accept him or at least make peace with you.

wow, everyone needs to calm down. If you choose someone to love and to hold then your family will have to choose to love you as you are. My father had a big problem my freshman year of college when my best friend was a black man. We were not sleeping together but my Dad thought we were. I later married a "white" man. Who is actually half Iranian. But no one can tell because he has been in America all his life. BUT don't give up on your family. Remember parents often make the mistake of wanting to live their lives through their children. It may take several years for them to be okay with your choice. Be true to your heart and be sure this guy isn't a way to cause drama. If he isn't then your brother will understand and believe me your mom and dad still love you. Find ways to be around them with out your man so they can see they did raise a great person and that they love you. Then when they ask about him just tell them you would rather not talk about it. You have to be the bigger person and try not to get upset.

My brother married the town's drunk's daughter. They are both white but the father-in-law still would call his daughter and ask why she married a niger. My brother still married her and they have 2 beautiful boys and have been married for over 15 years. Again my advise is follow your heart.

Good Morning. Tiff, i know this is a hard place for you. I understand where you're coming from. I think you have to look at all angles...if this man is a good man, look at that truthfully, not thru your love...and race is the only issue with your folks then you have to live your life. Your parents are going to have to be convinced by his example that he will take are of you, protect you, etc. Over time hopefully they will come to see that he loves you. I've seen this many times. One instance the girls family had nothing to do with her for about 10 years. Then she had a child and everything changed with her parents. That doesn't mean that you need to go have a baby, just that hopefully at some point their hearts will change. But you have to learn to live with that and they have to realize that you are grown and that you need to have the ability to make your own choices....it's hard for parents to let go of their kids...i know, i've had to let 2 fly...the first one was really, really hard. Just continue to love your family but you also have to live with your decisions....so, ultimately you are choosing either way. Good Luck....R.

I went through something similar with my parents. My freshman year of college I met the love of my life. He was 22 and I was 18. We dated for about 8 months when he proposed (after asking my parents). I of course said "yes". When I told my parents the news, they demanded that I come home to discuss the situation with them. They informed me that my fiance was not good enough for me, that he didn't come from a good enough family, and that he could never be a good supporter. In other words, he was too poor for our family! They told me that I either stop seeing him completely or they would cut me off without a cent. I choose my fiance. Before I knew it, I showed up on his poarch with no money, no car, no place to live, and no family. I took a job as a waitress and moved in with my fiance and his 3 roommates. It was really hard at first. But becoming independent at such a young age really helped in the long run. I didn't speak to my parents for over a year. They didn't invite me to holiday get-togethers or send me a card on my birthday. When I got married, I walked myself down the aisle and the only family I had show up was my sister. Luckily, my in-laws were great and everyone on my husbands side showed up. When I finally did speak to my parents again, it took along time to heal, and I am still healing. I really just want to encourage you to stay strong and not to second guess yourself. Times may seem hard right now but everything has a season.

T., I understand that your parents are upset by your choice. You have to decide who you are going to be with and not your parents. It is very hard when race is involved. Keep the lines of communication open. Talk about other aspects of the relationship that are neutral. I believe that you should be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself and respects you. Perhaps you could share this information with your father.

It is hard for people to let go of their past experiences. Perhaps you could talk to them about their fears. If your boyfriend is receptive, perhaps the two of you could talk to them together. Your parents love you and want the best for you.

Don't stop being loving to them because they have disowned you. I am African-American and have family members who have inter-racial marriages. It can be tough. Family support can make it easier. Good luck to you.
D.

Hi Tiff-

I went thru the same thing you are going thru, but luckily my family felt I was more important than the choices that I made. Most of the time it is "what other people will think" that gets to our parents and makes them react this way. Sometimes parents will say absolutely anything to hurt you when they feel you are doing something that scares them. I don't think you owe your parents anything. You certainly do not owe them an apology. I feel like you should let them have their space to mull over what is going on. It would surprise me if they never came around. I don't know where you live, but in the south it is hard for our parents to accept these things. You will be fine and I do know how you feel. The hurting, feeling guilty and all of that. Think of it like this..this is what you are attracted to and no one can change that. That's what I tried to get my parents to understand. Just because it wasn't the same color or race as they or we are doesn't mean that it is wrong. I won't lie and say that it will change over night, which I'm assuming you have already learned, but if your parents can get over it it will get better in time. Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

T. C.

T.,

You are doing the right thing by taking responsibilty for your baby and working hard to do so.

Take a quick minute when you aren't so angry with your parents and really analyze the situation. Are you totally sure that the only reason they don't like your boyfriend is because of his race? Are you sure there aren't other things about him that say to them that he isn't the right man for you?

Sometimes we are blinded to our lovers weaknesses and personality flaws when we are sleeping with them before we truly get to know them. It's only when we have a child with them or marry them, that sometimes we can open our eyes and truly see them for the man that they are not. Especially when we are young and having pre-marital sex, we tend to want to over look a lot of things and think that we can change him.

I've been there and done that and go ahead an realize now that you won't be able to change him and his bad traits will only worsen when you marry him.

Since you are now and adult, you might want to sit down with your parents in a neutral place and honestly discuss the situation without pre-judgement or yelling. Your parents really aren't as bad as you think sometimes. Please give it a try and please also try to REALLY listen to what they are saying without clouding it over with what you want to say back in defense.

You can't be selfish now that you are a mother. You owe this to your new baby.

I hope this helps,
K. B.

I had the same problem when I was a young person. From my dad to the Civil War was only 3 generations. My mother was a christian and didn't believe in racism and raised me that way, but my dad was truly raised wrong on the issue, and tried to raise me wrong. We had a lot of fights over it. I decided not to date outside of my race because I knew I would go through what you are experiencing. However, my father's prejidisms carried over to the man I married anyway. My husband was from a German family that weren't quite Americanized. My girls were excepted by my family unconditionally but my son always felt like he was the SON of the man that nobody liked. He doesn't like his own father's family but feels like a nobody around the people he can most relate to.
So what do I think? I think that if your parents have these prejidices it's likely that nothing you will ever do will meet their expectations unless you let them dictate your life. Go out and find friends to fill that empty whole in your heart. They can become your family and your support. That's what I did, and it worked for about 15 years. There are others out there single or in families that have reasons of their own to need close friends. Now that my father is deseased and my siblings are older and more mature (50's)they realize that family is more important than how they originally invested in it. So my life has come full circle. Don't let their immaturity and stupidity ruin your day to day happiness. They'll probably grow up someday, but until then do what you feel is the right thing to do. And above all love yourself and pamper yourself. There are plenty of people out there ready to kick you. Don't do it to yourself with guilt.

T., there are a lot of things that parents will never accept or understand. You do not say what is the age difference or if the boyfriend is working. In today's times when our daughters find someone who is NOT abusing or neglecting her that is something to be thankful for. As long as the boyfriend is a law-abiding, working, upstanding Christian young man your parents should be okay with him even if he is of another race.

I tell my children 'when someone tells you something you don't like, evaluate and see if there is any truth hidden in their statement'.
If your parents are upset about the race of your boyfriend, they are misled. If it is his religion, hobbies or other things they are truely upset with, evaluate the hidden/unspoken words.
Up until the Tower of Babel, we all, for the most part, looked the same and talked the same language. God looks to our heart and our actions, not our skin. There is NOTHING in the Bible about seperation of the races, only religious beliefs.
Try to keep a relationship with your family (a light one) and pray that they will learn to have a godly love for all people. It may take years, but there is always hope.
If you truely live your life for God, no matter how bleak it seems, it will work out.

1st of all Tiff please believe in God. Praying right now that you do believe in Him and Jesus christ his son are standing by you at all TIMES. So believe always you have a family. Trust in God and Thank him for what you feel which I think is love for some one very special to you. Tiff, if you call and thank God and the Lord Jesus is doing right now please believe everything will be alright.

family is family, dont burn your bridges so fast. no i dont think racism is right, but you cant shove it in their face either. be loving respectful and polite always keep the door open. time does mellow things be patient.
a granny

Are they religious? Point out that love sees no colors so if they are religious how can they justify being racist. My own father says he is not racist that he just believes you shouldn't date outside your race. HELLO this belief is a racist belief. It is a hard spot to be in. It is important to have your family but it is also important to stand up for your beliefs & boyfriend. My father disowned my sister for the same situation you are in, when she got pregnant & had his first granddaughter he had a change of heart. He still doesn't like her boyfriend but he accepts her decision. They have been together for 9 years. If you decide this man is going to be in your life for a long time & your parents still don't want to speak with you than ultimately it is their loss more than yours. You are an adult now they no longer have the responsiblility to make decisions for you. In my opinion they are being immature, they are in essence trying to discipline you into listening to them. Good Luck with your parents & boyfriend & I'll pray for you to not be so stressed!

When the battle is about who is right, no one wins. What is the loving thing to do. Things have changed and things are the same. The challenges of life are difficult even with a good support system. Is your father too protective? Are you trying to assert your own independence? Ask yourself "What is really going on between myself and my father."

Well I think you are both wrong. They are wrong because we should not judge anyone just based on thier color. How do they know if he is a good person or not if they don't even give him a chance. I also think you are wrong cause they are your parents and you are supposed to respect them. I hope you are not living with this young man cause that would be really wrong.

Family is so very important to me that I am torn on how to respond. I could not live comfortably without the support network that I have with my parents and just knowing that I can always call and count on them. And I could not function without the companionship of my brothers (and sisters). They are however, wrong for not accepting who you love, IF he is a good man and good to you and loves you unconditionally. But as you said, a generation of folks have made a big difference in the acceptance of races being romantically involved. If you truly think you did what was best, I don't think you would feel guilty, but maybe sad instead. Listen to your conscience and pray that you will do what will help you feel at peace and comfortable with your decision. When you decide what that is, be strong and no more guilt.

Dear Girl;
I can not begin to express how much I feel for you. You have fallen in love and made choices based on your heart. There is not fault in that.
Not everyone will ever accept their loved ones choices. That they have disowned you is not your fault. As for your little brothers, they will not be children forever. Time alone will see if they come to you. Be certain that there is some one who your family knows has a way to get in touch with you if the decide to return to reality.

In the mean time free yourself. You should have no guilt. There is an old saying that goes that we are born with one family and end up with the one we choose. Go on with your life. Somewhere out there are people who in time you will feel close to who accept you. Those are the people who you will one day think of as Mother, Father etc.

I am an open person. I have several young men who are friends with my sons who are gay and they come to me because their own families have deserted them. They make a family for themselves. I have over a dozens sons as a result. I count myself the blessed one.

You my child are free to do likewise.
Do not let love or joy leave you.
Always follow you heart.

Good Morning Tiff,

I know that it must be hard to have to live with something like that on your mind...No matter what we do our parents would have something to say no matter what...Your parents may be living out of your life because of the choices you made...If you feel comfortable making your choices then try talking to them...If that doesn't work then you tried...Your parents will eventually come around when they see that you are happy and living good then they will be back around..What you did even though you feel guilty they will see that one day..As parents we can't chose how we want our children to live...I say you done the right thing...I hope you will be happy with your life...Just live it the best you can and your parents will get use to the fact that your staying the way you are...Best of luck to you..

TiffabearH You have only one set of parents and only one set of siblings you can get another boy friend is your estrangement from the family God gave you worth what is happening. I am a widow and most of my kids are too far away for me to be with I have a grandson that I have not seen for seven years I would not give up my family for all the gold in Fort Knox. Think about the results Ask the Lord to help you make the right decisions, I know you can do it.

The heart is, was, and should always be colorblind. What should matter to your parents is that you are happy and healthy. I understand that your family is important to you though. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but you are still young. You will define and redefine yourself dozens of times in the next couple of years and what's important to you will change in ways you never thought they could. If nothing else, let the guilt go. You deserve to be happy and that should be the primary concern of everyone who loves you. What does your boyfriend think of your situation?

yuo have done nothing wrong but love some one that is good to you and treats you good.let them know that you still want to see them and your brothers but your personal life is off limits. what sucks is that it takes something going wrong before they will open there eyes and realize there is more to life.they will realize one day that being with you is more important but it may come later then sooner. just be strong and stand your ground on how you fill.everything will work out for you.

Hate is always wrong. Misunderstandings are just that. You love your parents and also yur boyfriend and want both in your life. Your responsibility then is to try to get your parents to undersand that being different does not mean being bad or wrong. If you try to make your parents understand what it is about your boyfriend that you like, you may change their mind. Of course you also may not and must be prepared to accept that. I think it is worth the time and effort. If after you have done everything you can and they still do not accept your friend, then maybe they care more about their prejudicies than keeping you in their lives. If that is so, the worst thing that you can do is give in. Some may think that having your parents in your life is worth the price of giving up your friend, but I believe that choice will only lead to resentment later on. God said, "love your neighbor as yourself" I think this means even those neighbors that look different than we do. Prehaps you should tell your parents you want to introduce them to a new neighbor. S. D.

I don't see where you have any reason to feel guilty.

I'm white, and my 18-year-old daughter is engaged to a young black man - her dad and I both think he's a great guy. My parents are horrified, and they're just going to have to get over it.

If you're living on your own, paying your own bills, then they really have no say in the matter. They have only as much authority as you choose to let them have.

My daughter and her fiance recently moved in together, and I couldn't be happier for them.

I know it's hard to not have their support, but if having their support means that they must have the final say over your choice of boyfriends, then you may need to keep your distance until they realize you're serious.

I don't know whether or not you are a Christian. But this is my take on the matter for Christians. We are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers...and I think this applies to marrriage. Christians should marry Christians....and race is not an issue. If the man is a good, God-fearing man who will help you get closer to God, and be a good Daddy to your kids, then go for it. If he is not....and you are living with him in an unmarried state...then it doesn't matter if he is black or white...you need to get in a different situation. Children need to be born into committed families. G.

You made your choice. You grew up with whatever values your folks gave you, and you've made your decisions based on what you learned through life. Your folks aren't wrong or right,...they simply want what's best for their daughter, and statistics, media,..and just social "wrongs" may have jaded their beliefs a bit about those of a different color, but they want you to be happy.
You are the one who is feeling guilty. Being a parent, I know they don't feel guilty. Maybe a bit sad for the fact that things have turned out for your relationships with them like that, but if you reread your words,...you said you feel "left out." Well, hard as it is to hear, you made your choices, and if they have a hard time with that, then they have to deal with that in their own way. You on the other hand have the ability to change the parts you don't like just by being happy with who you are, and what you're doing.
When your parents see that you are truly...and I mean truly happy...and parents know when their kids are hurting.....then it is up to them to "grow", and learn to accept that their daughter has made the choices that make her full, and happy.
I'm going through "teenage" years with my daughter, who has a boyfriend, and my husband's words work for this situation too.
Know who you are, and know your place. When you know who you are, and you know how/where/when you belong, then everything falls into place. Maybe your parents want you to understand that each person has to know who they are before a relationship can even exist with any length--healthily.
Either way, you've made the move, and no longer live under their rules. So, show them that that IS what has made you happy, and well, and perhaps they will lay off a bit.

First of all, I want you to give yourself a big hug....it sounds like you need one!

Now forget about who is right and who is wrong!! Life is full of choices...some of them are good/easy choices and others are bad/hard choices.

I am certain that your parents have made choices that you don't agree with, but you didn't stop loving them....just as they have not stopped loving you. You didn't mention if you are living with this man, but if you are, ask yourself this question...why are you just "playing house"? Why aren't the two of you married? A marriage is just as valid if it is done at a big fancy wedding, as it is if you do it at the court house by a J. P. If the two of you are truely in love then make it official!

Although, you are young, it seems like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Take steps to ensure your future is secure. Get an education, or a trade so that if something were to happen you could support yourself and any future children you may have. You never know what tomorrow holds...not just because you and your boyfriend might not make it, but he could be killed or disabled and you need a way to support yourself.

As for the race issue...well, nothing is going to change the fact that you are one race and your boyfriend is another! I personally see nothing wrong with inter-racial relationships...how are we all going to live in Heaven together if we can't get along here on Earth? Your parents probably worry about what others will think, and that he is not going to treat you right, or provide for you adequately. Nothing you or your boyfried SAY is going to change their minds.....only the way you live and SHOW them differently will help. They may not agree with your decisions, but since you are all adults they should respect them. Do not cut them out of your life. Let them know that the door is always open. I agree with the others who said to try to talk to them...do not go with an attitude...go with love. Love conquers all!!! Time heals....

Let your heart be your guide. If you truly LOVE this man, make a home with him and let your family know that they are welcome to be a part when they are ready!!!!!!

You should'nt feel guilty it sounds like your family has some issues with other nationalities. The best you can do is try to talk to your family but don't expect miracles.