Initiating a Seperation How

That doesn't make a darn bit of sense, you get along just fine without him but you are mad at him for not helping out? If things are just fine without him you don't actually need his help so the anger must be coming from something else.

Since he isn't going anywhere and he doesn't have to I would suggest you try something easy like therapy. At least then you can articulate what is actually wrong.

Since your husband is so adamant about not leaving, it might work for you to give him the choice of leaving or having marriage counseling.

If you haven't already talked with a professional about trying anti-depressants I urge you to try that also. They may help you feel less depressed which could help you deal with your attitude towards your husband.

View this as a learning opportunity. It's not just your husband that is causing depression. It's also about your attitude and ability to communicate with him. And depression, once it's gotten started does change the chemistry of your brain which makes it even more difficult to work on making your relationships better.

I agree that a trial separation could help you figure things out. Have you approached this possibility with your husband in a positive way, saying that you want the marriage to work but you need some time alone to figure out what is going on. If he knows that this isn't necessarily the beginning of the end he might be more cooperative. Both of you would benefit having a professional person help you to communicate in a more positive way that could also help your husband be more available for change.

You can be the controlling, in charge one, to force the separation by filing for a separation order thru the courts which would likely order him to leave. Talk with an attorney about how this works. I suggest, however, that would be my very last choice. You're still going to have to deal with your husband for the rest of the children's childhood and this sets up your relationship in a very negative adversarial way.

I think you'll also find that separation isn't easy. Yes, it's called child support but you'll have a whole lot less money than you have now. And ....I suggest that you'll find that once the stress of a relationship with your husband is less you'll discover that other things are also depressing. It's easy now to focus it all on him but once he's gone you'll discover other irritations. You'll still have to deal with him. You'll have anxious and upset children. And tho you think he's not providing adequate physical support for you you may discover that having him around was helpful tho not perhaps in the way you wanted it to be.

I urge you to work with a counselor before making such a drastic change in your and your children's lives.

I also suggest you do some reading on Non-violent Communication. There is a web site and a book about how to talk with each other in a manner that maximizes communication.

I'm so glad to read that your husband says he's not going, he is invested in your relationship even if you don't think so. What about marriage counseling?? Are you being treated for your depression? Did you ever get over your PPD/PTSD from a year ago.

When your husband was gone for the weekend you were happy he was gone so the chores were no big problem. Do you want to do that EVERYDAY alone? Do you want to be without your children when they spend time with him? It's awful even though they will be with their other parent. Don't for a minute think that child support is a wonderful and huge paycheck for you, your life would seriously change.

I learned this through experience and if I had it to do over again, I never would. Talk to him, don't nag or fight and get some professional help before you throw it away.

Don't move out. It will be harder to get the house if you do.

Marda P said what I would have...but much better =o)

If you honestly believe that you will be happier without him then ask him to move out for a few weeks. Tell him to get into counseling, it sounds to me that he is a bit passive-aggressive. He knows he upsets you but doesn't seem to care and has refused to change.

It might help if you get into counseling for yourself too. You need to find out why you are willing to put up with his behavior. He sounds like an emotional abuser to me.

After you both get into counseliong and are able to work on your issues you could try getting back together or decide to make the separation a divorce.

I have no idea, but I'm sorry for your situation. Have you considered counseling...either for yourself and/ or marriage? I hope you are able to find happiness!

The extra money he would spend on an apartment should be spent right now on a relationship coach for the 2 of you. Not necessarily a marriage counselor, but someone who will teach the 2 of you how to better take care of each other, and yes I mean each other. Whenever, my DH or I start to feel resentful toward the other, it has really made all the difference to go to someone to help us talk it out and get back on track.

If your Husband were gone... do you KNOW... that you would be happy and trouble free?

IS it your Husband's fault... or could you be displacing other issues, onto him???? ie: is your Depression being treated and do you have a Therapist????

Next, is your Husband's unwillingness to leave... just a reflection of his dedication to you and his family... or him just being a jerk?

I had a classmate in college who has Depression. It was SO hard for her Fiance/now husband. He thought many times, of leaving her but did NOT. Because, he believed in her and loved her. HE also went to Therapy with her... to learn about depression. SHE on the other hand, had so many emotional dramas... due to her Depression. Which of course, her now Husband... got the brunt of it because she'd blame everything on him.
But even if he were not there... she would still have those issues. Due to her Depression.
He stood by her. He is a man of steel character. He'd never leave the ship. So to speak.
He worked 2 jobs. She was a SAHM. He was very busy. He did physically demanding jobs too.
ALSO, as the Spouse of a Depressed Wife... he would get really 'depressed' too. Because, NOTHING ever seemed, good enough. And it is really self-defeating for the Spouse too. Not easy for them, either.
So maybe, you are both affecting each other, negatively. But for a Man, they do not know how to cope.... thus, they get apathy. And don't do anything. Because, they are feeling 'helpless' too.

Then also, you did not say if you and your Husband ever tried Marital counseling.
And if you want more help from him at home and with the kids... have you explained that to him.... in a conversation?
A Man... cannot read a woman's mind.
My own Husband told me that. HE told me... before I get all bent out of shape and all bitchy... I have to TELL him I need help. If not he assumes I do not need help, then wonders why I am all bitchy. His bottom line is: SAY what you need, and say it. Not expect the Husband to read your mind.

Then again, really you may need to just get away.
Do you just really 'hate' him? Not love him at all?
Is nothing there?
Well, then that is really... not healthy.
But you do need to know, within yourself, where the problem lies.

Well, if you separate, you will be be doing everything you do now, and you will have to work to earn a paycheck, on top of it, and with zero help.

For me, that is the absolute last option. This is a classic scenario, in which both parties feel they do too much & that the other doesn't do enough. In which both parties feel overworked & unappreciated.

If you haven't tried counseling, then you need to give it a go. For you and with your husband. I know it's easy to blame him for your depression, but how happy do you think you'll be, alone, with 3 kids, and having to maintain EVERYTHING by yourself, including the finances? The grass is not always greener. Depression intensifies already hard situations. Are you on meds or being treated?

Does he really not do anything to help at home? Have you tried being literal & direct & asking him to do xyz around the house? Or do you just expect him to know what to do? I guess I just don't see this a reason to split a family up.

I'm not really sure, but it is best for the kids to stay at the home they are used to. I'm assuming there is more room here as well than anywhere else you would go. How about a conversation with him that you talk about the separation is non-negotiable and is going to happen and ask him to think about his kids and their needs. Maybe you can talk him into leaving. Maybe He has said he's not going to leave before because he's just trying to talk you out of it or convince himself it's not going to happen. If you let him know it IS happening, maybe he will make a good decision for his children.

You sound very hurt. You don't sound at all prepared to separate. Feelling like your spiralling is not a good time to make decisions that affect your self, husband and especially your children.

Basically what you've stated is that you love your husband, you're hurt by him, you are then in a bad mood when comes home and you then treat your children differently and you don't like that.

I wonder if he thinks the same about you. That he's tired of working so hard for a family that may not be grateful for his work. (Just what I've heard from men in therapy - not implying.) I also wonder if he even knows what to do or if he feels like he has a place at home. Some times when one person does everything at home, competantly, he may feel inept to the point that he doesn't know what to do or how to do it.

Have you ever gone away for a weekend and had him manage the house and the children for a couple nights? Its sounds like you may need some much deserved time off... away from husband, children and responsibilities.

Please consider making the decision to separate when you are in a really good place. No one else owns your happiness. It is your responsibility.

I have been divorced for 15 years and I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I had two children, 4 & 5 years old when we split up. I had contemplated it for 3 or 4 years before I actually got brave enough to do it. He always said all the same things you say your husband says....."oh, I will try harder, or I won't do that anymore", and his favorite one was, "Well, then you better f___in' leave then, cuz I'm not going anywhere!" And, no matter what he promised, he always went right back to being a non active parent and yelled all the time. He found a book I was reading about getting all your ducks in a row before you leave and that is what got the ball rolling. He was FURIOUS with me!!! Then the emotional part kicked in....he begged to go to counceling, but would never go before. Made all kinds of promises, blah blah blah! Anyway....what I think you should do is leave for a while and let him see what it will be like without you. If you still love him, then maybe you can still work it out. Get his attention before all your feelings are gone for him. I was SOOOO done when we finally split. I filed and he HAD to leave. We are good friends now, but I have never regretted divorcing him. Life is too short to be miserable and I didn't want my kids to grow up in a house where all their parents did was fight! Good luck dear....my heart hurts for you. I know it is so hard. There are lots of good self help books out there.

Wow do you sound high maintenance in that post. Seek help for your depression or get a job to help out with the finances so he doesn't have to work so hard to support you as a stay at home mom. Also if you want the split you should find a new place to stay. You probably have no way of financially keeping the one you are in w/o him.
Signed,
A stay at home mom

I have no idea if this is the right answer, so take it with a grain of salt,...but
If I were in your shoes and my husband was not even willing to give me some space I'd take it as a sign that he was so completely oblivious to my feelings that it would be time to throw in the towel.