In Desperate Need....

A....Yes, some of his behavior is "normal" for a 3 year old, but then again some is not. There is a disorder called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I would have him tested to see if he may be affected by this. My daughter is ODD and believe me, there are days I just want to run but I know I can't. She is my child and I love her with all of my heart. I know the struggle you are going through. She has been this way since she was little also. So many are so apt to jump and say ADD or ADHD, but to me there are way too many children being diagnosed with these disorders. Again, good luck and hang in there. I've made it 15 years with mine even though it's very hard and exhausting! Take care!

I know exactly how you feel! I am a single parent of a 4 yr old little girl and also work in the school system. I went through a very similar period with mine just recently. Fairly typical for age--they are learning to be independent. I have swatted mine too but decided to try something new. I instead took away favorite things and no tv when tantrums presented or she disobeyed. i make her go to her room--she responds sometimes by slamming the door, throwing things out, kicking the wall and yelling things at me. i waited it out and practiced being calm. when she seemed to have calmed down i went and had her pick up her things she had thrown in the hall and kept up with no tv no favorite toys --but did allow her to come out of her room. we have gone through this a few times with the tantrums getting less severe and fewer between. it seems to be working well for us now! keep it up! i felt embarrassed also, but know that you are not alone in this!

I have a 3 1/2 year old son too. And almost every day he gets time out or a swat on the behind if he doesn't stay in time out. He is very very ORNERY. I wonder if it's the age. . .

A. -

Love, I think, is your answer here. I am talking about loving and caring for yourself. You have already started this process by reaching out in this request - you are on the right track for great change.

I would never judge you - we all have our issues and are human. Believe me, I have had my battles with anger and it has taken much time to gain insight and change over it!!!

I commend you because you clearly see your problem - you are very intelligent! You see what you do NOT want. You see how you do NOT want to act, react, respond. This is GREAT! It's powerful for you, in order to make a BIG change in your life!

Think about what you "DO" want. What do you want??? How do you want to act, respond, react?

Take small steps and do SOMETHING/ANYTHING different. Here is just one example - Like, when things start to get hard with your son, stop everything and take him outside for a walk - look for certain things - birds, butterflies - tell him that you are going on an "I spy" walk and JUST DO IT. Switch your focus COMPLETELY by doing something totally different - just be spontaneous and do something else! This is only an example - but it will be DIFFERENT from what you usually chose (building/feeding the anger, getting into a power struggle, etc...)

Do you know what this is? This is you taking control. Did you know that if you continue to do the same stuff, it creates a similiar path in your brain, making it ever so easy to do it again, and again - and if you do something completely different, you are literally switching your brain to STOP the old patterning. Neural pathways work this way. So take control and do something different until you find what you DO want to do - then you can do that over and over, creating a new pathway in your brain. You are just re-training. You are taking control now by doing this - it's your brain, your emotions, etc...

Your emotions trigger chemicals and it is similar - the more of the same chemicals you trigger, your body will get used to this and do it without you thinking about it. You can change all that! Change the emotions, you change the chemicals in your body - stopping the stress and build up of more and more anger.

- and then after you and your son are removed from the negativity, outside, on your walk, feeling better and maybe even having some actual fun instead of raging at home, notice how this changed EVERYTHING. Notice that just one simple act of going out, changes your whole world - gives you back your power - as a person, a parent, a woman. And then see that YOU chose to do this and that is taking responsibilty to love yourself and your son in a much better way. It really isn't that hard - you just need to stick to it and DO it! You can do this.

It sounds bizarre but it will re-boot your mind, your emotions and your behavior. It isn't running away from the problem; It is getting a handle on it in a DIFFERENT way. And, it will allow you to get in a better state, and your child too, to feel better, THEN you can deal with the issue if it is still present - you will deal with it much better. This is responsible. That is caring for yourself!

Get creative and figure out ways to change your life. We all get angry. How we chose to deal with it, is in our power - do we feed it, or use it to make change?

And, know that your son is being wonderful - he is challenging you to make a difference in both of your lives. Don't view what he does as negative but rather pushing you in a better direction. He trusts that you can and will make the correct changes that you both need so desperately - he knows you are a bright, intelligent and strong woman. He is teaching you more about yourself than you realize - take care of him (and you) by meeting the challenge - you can do this! I have NO doubt on that!

Alli

every time you hit him you are teaching him to hit. You can't say "i can hit you and be agressive, but you can't do it back to me"...they just don't understand that. I am trying very hard to stop spanking my two year old for this reason. I, too, don't want to be like MY parents! It is our first nature just to swat them, but think of how much they mimic us...they don't know a single thing until we teach it to them. Keep calm, get down on your knees at his level, and speak in a soft voice...he will have to be quiet to listen to you. I've read some great discipline books by Dr. James Dobson, The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears, and "Supernanny" book (from the TV show) Hope this helps!

A.--I wish I could give you a hug. Parenting is difficult enough, but to be a single parent must be very challenging. First, let me say, that kids do get to a point around 3 years old where they sometimes turn into something or someone that you just don't recognize. Demon sounds about right:) They are exploring themselves and learning they can do what they want to do. Boundaries are important and being consistant with the boundaries are even more so. About the patience...I think we all struggle with that and we all make mistakes we wish we could take back. I don't know if you believe in prayer, but I am continuously praying for patience and I really think it has helped calm me. I am so on the fence with spanking. I didn't used to think a swat on the bottom was a big deal, but the more I did it, the more I felt a bit like a hypocrite for telling my children not to hit, when I was hitting them on the bottom. I've tried to go about it in different ways. I am a big believer in time out, and my kids I think have really benefitted from it. Sometimes when they are young, you have to hold them there while they kick and scream in time out. That is truly a test of your patience. I love SuperNanny, watch what she tells them to do, I think she is great. She teaches to discipline with love and patience and by being consistant, no matter how hard it is at first, IT DOES GET EASIER. Children need boundaries, they just don't know it:) Hope that was helpful.

Well, how long have you been divorced - could this be partially a result of that? That's just as hard for kids to go through as it is for adults. I'm like you - I have zero patience. It takes a lot of hard work and serious concentration on your part to make sure you don't lose it. Remind yourself that he's still just a baby. Three year olds will behave that way. I don't know how your child responds to discipline, but with mine, the only thing that seems to work is a good boy sticker chart where he earns toys or root beer floats and things like that by being good and loses them by being ugly. You might try something like that if you're afraid of how you're spanking.
Also, you are not a bad mom for disciplining your child and trying to raise a descent young man. But I think you should never ever apologize to him for disciplining him. You're the mother, it's your job to put him in his place. You only apologize when you do something wrong, or he'll think you disciplining him is a mistake, too. Know what I mean? Just my opinion.

Hi A., my name is A. and I also have a 3 1/2 year old son. I'm married and my husband and I both work full time. As well, my husband has been pursuing his MBA for the last couple of years and at times I've felt like I've had a "taste" of what it must be like to be a single mom. I know there's no comparison and I can't speak from a single mom's point of view, but I can tell you from my own personal frustrations with my strong-willed child that I have been at my wits end, and it's been a lot more lately. He's an angel sometimes, a "mamma's boy" other times, a holy terror at others. My best encouragement for you is to check out the Focus on the Family website. Dr. James Dobson wrote a book called "The Strong Willed Child" and how to raise one. He has incredible insights. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. You and your son are on a journey together and you're both going to make mistakes. Sometimes it's going to seem like that's all you're doing is making mistakes; seems like we've had plenty of those lately! But just keep reminding yourself what a beautiful blessing your son is in your life and try to focus on the things you both have to be thankful for. Best wishes! Angie

A.,
I know exactly what you are going through. I was in your exact position just a few years ago. My son was doing the same thing. I think that is part of being a typical 3 yr old. My son had always been very loving and sweet and then when we hit 3 he would be like night and day. I do believe in spanking which I did along with timeouts and even taking away toys. Different things work in different situations. If my son threw a toy he got one warning not to throw it again or the toy would be taken away. If he threw it again the toy went up into the top of a closet. He didn't hit very often but he slapped me once and I grabbed his hand, made sure I had his attention (basically face to face with a little space in between) and with a very serious and stern voice I made sure he knew that I was very upset that he did that and we had a discussion about hitting people and did he like to be hit and it was unexceptable. When he does hit you need to let him know that it is unexceptable and then he needs to apologize afterwards. The two of you apologizing afterwards is really good. Even though you are his parent"s" he still needs to know that he can come to you for everything else as well. You should also set up a "Mommy Time" I too was not much for patience, so I decided that when I was getting close to losing it I needed "Mommy Time" My son knew that when I asked him to go upstairs to play or to walk away from me bc I needed mommy time he knew that was serious and if he continued with whatever he was doing then he could end up in trouble. This really helped. then when he is really acting up you are able to go much further in dealing with him before you lose it. You also need to set up rewards for good behavior. Make a chart of things he can do good from helping others/mommy, to doing chores and every day let him put a sticker on the board. when he reaches x amt of sticker or days then he gets a prize. I even had him pick a toy or a restaurant he wanted and we would cut it out of a magazine/catalog and tape it to the board. He LOVES this. We still do this today and have very few issues. Well I could go on and on with stuff I did but I've already wrote a novel so I'll let you go. If you would like to talk more let me know. I've been there so I know how frustrating it can be.
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M.

Hi A. -

First, sounds like you are overwhelmed and dealing with some depression. It sounds like you could use some serious "self" time to relax and rest. 3 year old boys are VERY challenging... full of energy and they don't want to stop for anything... at least my son was like that! Terrible Two's nothing... from 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 was the worse time with my son (now 4).

I would highly recommend a book by Robert McKenzie, "Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child". It is a very good book for a few reasons. First, it lets you know that you are not the only parent out there going thru this. Second, it helps us to realize how we need to better parent these kids so that this confrontational, disobedient behavior can change. You want to take action now... the sooner the better. It is going to take some work on your part but trust me you will see a difference and be glad you put the time and energy into it!

If you feel you are losing it with your son then you probably are... only you know what happens when no one else is there. I know this may sound silly, but try counting to 10 before you speak to your child when you are that angry/frustrated... or spanking. When I felt my temper couldn't take it anymore I got some "Naturally Calm". It's a supplement that really worked for me (and several other moms I know... that's how I heard of it) to help calm you.... it really does work (just follow the directions and start w/a small amount).

Good luck, and remember that your son loves you more than anything else in the world!

Sweetie, I vividly remember thinking my child was literally posessed by the devil. She was like the exorcist, biting scratching, throwing the worst tantrums and then she would snap right back to normal. The fact of the matter is that our children are little mirrors of us. I am not saying that you are a bad Mother or that it is your spanking that has "caused" him to be like this...I don't believe that at all. What I am saying is that little ones don't know how to deal with stress. Whenever they feel out of control, they act out. Typically it is when we are stressed and start barking out orders or get into a rush that they act out and then our patience is gone fast. Try to take a look at when he acts out. Is it because he is tired, hungry? Are the fights about what he wants to wear? Try to give your little man some say in his life. Ask him what he wants for breakfast, ask him to pick out his clothes. Ask him what book he wants for bedtime. Try to treat him like a little man whenever you can. I know that worked wonders for giving my daughter a sense of control over her environment (turns out it was her Daddy's deploying that threw her over the edge). I also got a book called "parenting the strong-willed child." You can get it on amazon for cheap and it is a good read that helps you realize you are not alone, and girlfriend,YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Also make sure you are taking time for yourself. Get out and do some adult things, that will make you a lot more sane and a lot easier to live with. Good luck and may God continue to give you challenges and blessings...means he is still paying attention to you!

I will not critisize you for spanking. sometimes you have to get their attention if absolutely nothing else works. and if you threaten wi/ spanking then you have to follow through. i was once told that a three year old child is as close to being a teenager as they can get. if you don't get control of the child now, you never will. that doesn't help i know. but it is true. however there is a rainbow in sight. the morning your little one turns four he will be your sweet little boy again. hang in there. kids can be brutal. i wouldn't worry too much about being a "bad" parent. you know when you have gone to far. the state is okay with spanking if you don't leave any marks. so, watch for that. there are still some old school people out there that swear that children still need their butts whipped. so, good luck. but, i would try not to beat yourself up too much. besides its tough to be mommy and daddy both on any day at any age..
but you have taken the first step and reached out for help. that you should be commended for.

A.,
It sounds like you are dealing with a really rough patch right now. You've gotten lots of advice already - I really like what Allison N said about changing your natural response by getting into new habits.

I'm in the middle of taking a class called "Redirecting Children's Behavior" that has been really helpful for me. My son isn't old enough to require redirecting yet, but the concepts have helped me with communication in other relationships, and if I want to later on I can re-take the class at no charge as a refresher. The tools it provides seem like they'd be really important to the 3-year-old stage of wanting autonomy but needing support. Email me if you want details about the class, I think another one is starting soon.

Hang in there and keep loving your little guy, and everything will be ok.
H.

Hi there A.,

Three is a fun age isn't it?! My kids never went through the terrible 2's...they went through the terrible 3's! It sounds like that may be the same case with your son. What is his behavior like at daycare? If he's not behaving this way, then (no offense) he could be acting out to get your attention. I too was a single mom with my first one and sometimes when things got hectic with juggling everything my little one had the worst temper tantrums. I guess it's because at 3 they can speak but don't exactly know the words to accurately express how they feel.

My advice, speak to his caregiver to see if this behavior is the same way during the day. If it is, find out how they are handling it and try to do the same at home. If he's not, if time out is working, then a little dose of no interaction may help. When my 3 yr old throws her temper tantrum, I ignore her. When she's upset enough she comes over to me and starts pulling at my shirt or screaming for me to talk to her. That's when I calmy say, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were speaking to me. I thought you were just throwing a tantrum. Next time you'd like to speak to me you should use your calm speaking words. Now, what do you need." I know. It sounds a little cheesey but it works. After a while she's learned that I don't respond to her when she screams at me. Another thought is that if your son is acting out to get your attention, perhaps including him more will also help. It's never too early to help with household chores. I'm sure he already knows his colors...let him help sort the clothes. You may have to switch to paper plates or reuseable plastic plates for a while; but ask him to help set the table while you're cooking dinner; then ask him to help clear it. The more he's involved with the day-to-day activities the more he'll feel like he has your attention and will less likely throw a fit. You can also reward his good days by reading an extra story before bed or letting him play in the bath tub a little longer or plan to take him to the park on the upcoming weekend.

I don't think you're a horrible mother. You just sound a little worn out from being a single mother and all that comes along with it. Remember to count to 10 and stay calm. You'll get through it. Good luck!

Dear A.,

I can more than relate(I have 3 little boys 4,3,2). They can be quite a handful and they are at times very defiant and stubborn. Little kids like to test their and your limits. Sometimes you have to be clever and use psychological warfare with them. Timeout doesn't always work and you could talk to them, but as the author of Curious george says "sometimes little monkeys forget." a little spanking can help them to remember.
Keep hanging on the little arguments make the hugs all the more nice.
M. K.

A., I feel your pain. I too have the same problem. You are at ends rope I can identify. single 10+years ex out of state and barely pays cs. I have a short fuse too.

Yes, in part he is being a normal 3y/o by testing your boundries and limitations. Now what you teach him to get away with is something different.
my suggestion would be to switch it up. If you see him starting to get worked up....act fast. Say, "Hey, I was thinking.... I am bored let's get outta here. you want to?" or suggest a walk Something to get him out of that frame of mind so you can re-direct his behaviour. If he should have a relapse and throw a fit....agree to remind each other not to loose it. When we were both in a good mood, I told my 15 y/o...look we r not always gonna agree and there will be times when u r mad at me and think i have it in for u. So I will make you a deal.... when i start to loose it...tell me,"Mom, your starting to wig out on me." and I will do the same. It has gotten us out of some potentially bad arguments, and avoided big time hard feelings. we just have to make that decisison to step back because we are not in the right frame of mind to deal with whatever situation might come up. Afterward when we approach the same subject, it doesnt seems so difficult to deal with. Dont feel bad, there are alot of women in your shoes. you'r doing fine. I know the embarrassed, humiliated, lost and sad part. Dont know how long you have been on your own....but as your child gets older it is a lot easier to deal. I will pray for you and your son. I know you two will make it just fine.

I have a great book for you: Parenting with Love and Logic. It gives you some really great tools for dealing with every day misbehavior. It could be that spanking is not the way that your son will respond to corrective discipline. ie. My son used to stop a bad behavior after I gave him a slap on the hand, while my daughter looks at me like "SO?". For her time outs work best. Each child is different.

Anyway, I recommend that book for some tips and sanity-saving advice. I too am an impatient control freak and I often have to take a time out myself and remind myself that my kids are not bad- they're just kids! :)

Good luck!

A.,

I think this is very normal behavior for a three-year-old. When my first son was that age, he has two little bruises, one on each side of his forehead next to his hairline ~ my husband and I joked that's where his horns come out! I think you're doing great, just remember consistency, like a lot of the other posts say. My first boy was a very, very strong-willed child. I found that as long as I was more stubborn than he, remembered who was boss, and reminded him of that, I was in control. Sometimes he would throw a temper tantrum, I would put him in my lap, kicking and screaming, hold him tight with my arms across his body to hold him down, and sing to him and rock him until he calmed down. I was determined to not let his behavior control mine by spinning out of control with frustration. I have to keep telling myself, even to this day, I'm a tough chick! I'm sure you are too! Just remember nothing stays the same forever and he'll grow out of this stage. I feel for ya, Sista! Stay strong!!

A.

Dear A.,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I was so sad reading your letter. Being a parent is so much harder and so much more challenging than I think people realize til they are doing it!
I've lost my temper with my three year old many times. I have said some horrible things to her, and cried about it later. I've spanked her out of anger, and cried about it later. Other people struggle with the same issues you do. I've called friends and wept telling them what a bad mother I am. so who am I to give advice?? Just take it day by day. Find a good friend/confidante to call when you need a pep talk. If you've got the time/money I highly suggest finding a good therapist. Being single must be harder, because you have no one to bounce back on. My husband travels a lot, so I know what it is like to be home alone with the little ones. Thank goodness he comes home once in awhile, so I can send him in to argue with her and not me for a change!
HANG IN THERE! As long as you love him and continue to give him the love he needs, you are doing good. And just keep working every day to be the best mother you can be. That's all you can do.
Good luck.
K.

Give yourself a break. You sound exhausted. I suggest you put yuor son to bed at 6:30 every night. This will give you some time to regroup and calm down. We all go nuts when we are overtired- me, you and yur child. Stop the sugar in his diet.Figure out what his favorite toy is and take it away from him when he acts out. Do as much physical exercise with him as you can so that he has a healthy outlet for his frustration too. More than anything else..... take care of yourself first and then you will be able to take care of him.Good luck.

First off, it sounds like he is going through the same stage my kiddos went through in some fasion. Plus if there is alot going on in life for you and you feel at the breaking point, he is probably feeling pretty close to that himself. Children act out when they are struggling, I believe it is a release and a form of warning/call for help. What helped me through the tough times, was to look at the kiddos actions and compare it to how I felt, I saw at times that they where acting out how I felt and reacting to what life was handing me, and it gaving me a better understanding, and a renewed sense of compassion. Yet it was still a task to find the fair balance, because I agree that kids need discipline even if life is hard/hurtful. It will get better...I am mom to a 10yr. boy/7yr. girl/ 21mo. boy/ 6mo. boy.... and my 10 and 7 year old made it out of those stages and are great kids (even with really tough times) and I am heading through it again because my 21mo. has already started! Good luck and God Bless!

First I would try my best not to punish out of anger...that only makes the problem worse. Also, I would recommed a course that my husband and I took when we were having some of these type issues with our son. The couse is called Common Sense Parenting. Book written by Ray Burke, Ron Herron and Bridger Barnes. Klein ISD uses this model in all there classrooms from what I have been told so this will be good when my son starts school...same lessons at home and then at school. We took the class at Wildewood Baptist Church given by Phil Chapman, works for the district. This is a great course that I highly recommend to anyone even if things at home are good....helps things at home come down a few levels!!! Hope this helps.

I once went to my church to get council because I had slapped my 2 year old daughter across the arm for spilling bean of bacon soup on her BIB!!! Ridiculous! Thats what bibs are for! I am (was) a prefectionist and this did not fit into my view of her eating habits... Ridiculous again! (She was feeding herself by the way.) I am reformed in soooooo many ways and much of my growth was due to what my clergyman said to me that day. He said, "Anger is not an INHEIRITED behavior! It is a LEARNED behavior! And, if it can be learned, it can be unlearned!!!" HE SET ME FREE! I was beat by my father growing up and needless to say learned that method of discipline.

I am VERY happy to say I NEVER BEAT MY CHILDREN! I NEVER HIT MY DAUGHTER OR MY OTHER 2 CHILDREN AGAIN!!!! Do not discipline them when you are angry. Put them in their room until you calm down. Take a pause, a break and get ahold of yourself. You will be wiser. Learn, read, pray. Natural Consequences are the BEST way to teach children in my opinion. There are many books on this subject.

Their is an African saying that goes: "It takes a Village to raise a child" Get some help. Take time away from your child. Put them in day care or exchange babysitting with a neighbor. Get a youth to come play, read, watch your child while you go take time for yourself.

GOOD LUCK AND MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU! I know your pain, confusion, guilt, sorrow and the ultimate desires of your heart as a mother.

I have a little boy that is like that. He has greatly improved with disipline and consistency. I know that there is a lot of people that would disagree with disipline but sometimes that is the only way to get there attention. If he was just out of control I would swat him on the but and then I would just sit him on my lap and hold on to him so he couldn't hurt me or himself. I would wait until he seemed calm and then I would get him to look at my face and teach him how to respond to the situation that caused him to be so angry. It is extremely hard to stay calm and I sometimes would end up crying but it was ok for him to see me cry because he would see this isn't me being mean and it wasn't fun for me. Over time it has paid off and he is learning to respond in a way that won't hurt him or anyone else around him.
Him acting this way is a little of his age and a little of just a child that needs a little more disipline than the average child. I have 4 kids and the oldest 2 were not like this but my 3rd one was exactly like that. I hope that helps a little bit. Just one more note I just found I have to pick my battles wisely. If something he is doing is not that big of a deal maybe just try to get him to do something else to distract him istead of correcting him on every little thing. If that makes sense.

We all do what we need to do. Your not cruel you are human. Maybe your son needs a male role model. You also may want to give him a special place of his "own." We just bought my 2.8 year old son a small tent (his cave) and I tell him that sometimes we each need some alone time. I put a flash light and pillows in there. My son only responds to immediate consequences. Give him one time out and tell him what is going to happen if he does it again (and follow through). When my son is being aggressive what has worked with my son is saying, "Do you want mommy to hit you? Then don't hit me!" Also make sure that you are doing nice things for yourself!!! I buy myself flowers and the food store once a week and buy a coffee to take to the park for my "coffee break." Good luck!!!

Hi A.,

I don't have advice for you, but I'm preparing myself for when my strong-willed little man turns three. He already at 15 months resorts to pulling his own hair and hitting himself when he's upset. Otherwise he's a smoochie little love bug.

I'm just here to give you a hug and some mom-solidarity. It sounds like you're in love with the guy and you're having a hard time. That's motherhood for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not giving up on him and he KNOWS you love him. That's what he needs most. You're what he needs most. And you're clearly giving yourself to him. You're not perfect. NO one is.

My mom once told me that you can't be too hard on yourself because you can't possibly be everything your children want/ need. You're you and with a heart full of love you're doing the best you can. God couldn't expect more from you than that.

He'll love you forever. Some day he'll know what you've sacrificed for him.

Good job and good luck.

A., I know that you are doing your best and sometimes we just get overwhelmed. You have to realize that you are the adult and the 3 year old will try anything to push you so he can get his way. You have to stay in control...i have 4 boys, each one different, and my 9 year old is the most difficult person to love inthe world!! There are days when I want to just scream my head off about how much I dont like him but I know that I cant do that. You ahve to swallow your words and restrain your hands. Have you ever seen super nanny? I think its on abc, she advocates a naughty chair as a time out..it took me a few days full of screaming to get my 2 year old used to this new punishment but it is SO worth it! now I jsut say naughty chair and he goes! If you find yourself losing your temper you can always take a mommy time out! Go to YOUR room and close the door, tell him that you need a time out because you are being naughty and just listen to music for a few minutes or watch tv. this will show him that even moms need a time out sometimes. Best of luck and feel free to eamil me if you need someone to talk to!

I KNOW YOUR PAIN! This stuff happened to me too.

Please, I beg you to go get help for the two of you. My first step was going to a local MHMR center and got into counseling. It was for his ADHD but the counseling is mostly for the parent..because 3 is a little young to understand someone trying to help. I urge you to start with counseling first and really, really apply it. I was so skeptical at first but I realized that I needed to change before my son would.

You've really hit a nail on the head when you say he's taking after you. Ya gotta take that into consideration. He won't behave with you losing it and with swats..and I'm not against swating..I'm just against doing it out of losing your patience. If you really want to go into a deeper discussion you can message me.

I really think I can help you...because we sound a lot a like and your son sounds like he's going through the same phases as mine.

Please feel free to message me. I know I'm young but I've been through a lot with my ADHD 3 year old.

Shaena

First of all, let me assure you that your situation is perfectly normal. I am a mom of 3, still married to a supportive husband and feel like I could lose it sometimes! Ha. I think it is part of raising kids...an opportunity for us to grow as people, and as any other growth, it often hurts.

Two of my kids are easy to manage...they are pleasers. They get into their fair share of mischief, but as far as pulling them back into line, it is fairly easy. My other child though is a challenge. He is 6 right now and we still have many battles of the will. He has forced me to be a little more creative. For instance, if I think he is probably going to throw a fit about something, I try to figure out a way to present it to him so that it is easier for him to make the right choice. Though he is older now, I did this when he was much younger too. If he didn't want to eat his veggies (still doesn't care for them), I only put 2-3 green beans on his plate. When the inevitable whining began, I gave him the choice of eating his beans or forfeiting dessert. Sometimes he gave up the dessert, but sometimes he ate the beans (especially if I had his favorite dessert on hand.) When he is playing with a friend, I give him a 10 minute warning so he can know it will be time to leave soon. This has been quite effective for him. It's like he instantly rebels against being told what to do, so it has been better (fewer fights) to give him some time to process what is going on. Of course, where safety is an issue, there can be no negotiating and sometimes there is no time to give him time to process. But I've found that changing other situations dramatically reduces stress levels for both of us and causes those drastic moments to stand out more in the child's mind and perhaps helps them understand the urgency of not playing in the road or touching a hot stove.

Please don't feel embarrassed or humiliated. You are to be commended for reaching out. Most moms if they are honest have been where you are. If they have not, then they don't have a strong-willed child to deal with (yet). But the blessing of those strong-willed ones is that when they make right choices, they are not easily swayed to make the wrong ones.

And I don't know where you stand on the church issue, but I know my church (and many all over the country) offer a MOPS program (Mothers of Preschoolers). I know many have found support and help there.

I hope this helps a little bit.

Unfortunately this is normal. At this age you have to believe the "alien body santchers" have removed your own sweet child and replaced him with someone else. I can only tell you that you will survive, but it may not seem like it. It is worse that you are on your own, becuase sometimes the best help is to have some time for yourself.

Dear A.,
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Your feelings are normal, natural, and most of all honest ! It's difficult being a single parent. I commend you for going it alone and being a concerned parent. You are not by yourself in this. My own children went through some defiant moments, and I did frequently wonder if I was losing it !

I am not an expert on 3 1/2 year old boys; but, there are plenty of people out there who are. My advice, counseling. Family Services, perhaps ? If you are not inclined to do that, how about some online material, public library, etc. ..... What advice does your family give you ? Anything good ? You didn't say; but, does your son stay at a babysitters or day care ? Could it be the kid or kids he is around are teaching him some bad behavior ?

Hang in there, girl. Tomorrow is another day.

Peace, R.

The book, Boundaries for Kids, is an excellent resource for moms dealing with this stuff.

I bought a book for my grandaughter, 'it is 1-2-3 Magic, It sounds like a very good principle to help out with that little boy. She has two little boys & I believe she will use it with good results, why don't you try to find that. I bought it at a book store in Sherman, I believe the name of the place is books a million. Good luck with your little guy, kids are sometimes really hard, I had five children & no one said it was easy, but I love them all dearly. And they turned out to be very good adults.

Dear A.,

First--we all lose it sometimes and don't like to admit it. You've done exactly the right thing by reaching out to try to get help to be a better parent and to not feel so overwhelmed. I know of a support group starting for moms who are feeling some of the same things you are and it might help. Please call Katherine at Any Baby Can, tell her you are interested in the parent support group and that K. suggested you call. It's been started by Any Baby Can and Family Service Association. Katherine can tell you more about it. You would meet other moms as well as a counselor and "graduate" parents who have been through some struggles and now are able to support newer parents. You can also find a good group called "Precious Minds New Connections". It's parenting education and there are groups all over town. You can do both--support for you and information on what sounds like normal frustrating little boy stuff. (My youngest is a boy--still in college is a lot like that--a great kid.) Kids are horrible frustrating sometimes and a joy sometimes. You seem to love him a lot or you wouldn't be agonizing over it. There are also programs like Healthy Families that provide parent support and education in your home. Katherine at Any Baby Can or the people at the support group can help you find the best help and support for you. They're all free. Please do it. The number for Any Baby Can is ###-###-####, ask for Katherine. You can get through this. Best wishes. Little boys love their mommies! Tell your little guy that sometimes mommies need hugs too. K.

A.,no you are not be horrible,when he hits you hit him back ,same as kicking yelling ect ,and tell him everytime you do it tome i'm going to to it to you and make him feel it ,but as you are punshing him tell him you love him ,but that you dont like him when he acts like that does he like it when you act like that they have a very short attion spane.or you could try resraning himnot with force get on the floor use open hands cross his arms and put yours over his ,then cross your legs over his till he calms down ,,,talking to him the whole tttoime tellinh him why and what you are doing and that you love him ,then if all this fails take him to a child counsler
good luck
L.

a lot of that has to do with the fact that you probably work and are tired when you get home. Me too your not bad because of how you correct your child. Some kids respond to different things. He is a boy for sure and they are just that way. I have 3 girls (older) and 2 boys 5 and 18 months. Boys are just a hand full. you might try going outside after you get home and let him burn off some energy. maybe that will help. I do know how you feel. I get that way sometimes too.

hi A.,
first of all, give yourself a pat on your back for trying to fix what you know is wrong. i think the 3 yr. old time is VERY challenging! it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and stress can affect how you react. have you thought about taking a class on parenting? my husband and i do at our church. it's a program called, "growing kids god's way". we're not taking it b/c we think we're bad parents, just confused at times, like you sound. noone gave us a handbook on how to be the perfect parents and how to raise the perfect child...but i am definitley taking advantage of any resources that are out there, that can help us do a better job. if you're interested in finding out where we take it, please write back to me and i'd be happy to share that info with you. good luck, i'll be praying for you. remember, he's not going to be a little boy for long, before you know it he'll be 18...these are years to cherish and ENJOY him.

1st of all, stop beating yourself up. being a parent of a perfect child, with a supportive, helpful spouse is hard enough. i don't know too many perfect children, or perfect parents for that matter. a swat on your son's behind is not a bad thing, especially if he is in danger. the most important thing is to be consistent, firm, and loving. only swat him when he is directly doing what you said not to do, or directly in danger. being able to talk it out later is very important. too many families just carry on like nothing ever happened, until it happens again.

You've already gotten lots of great advice, so I won't give much of that. But I did want to tell you you're not alone. I'm married, but sometimes my hubby travels a lot, so there are stretches when I feel like a single mom. I can only imagine how hard it is to truly go it alone.
We all lose our temper and sometimes say and do things we regret. Parenthood isn't about being perfect, it's a lesson in exactly how imperfect we are. But it's also a reason to strive to do better next time around.

Have a time out, would not hurt if both of you did it. This will let your child know that you were bad also because you lost your patience. It will calm you down and help you relax also. Been there myself. You can be pushed just so far sometimes even when they are older.

Hi A.,
It is my opinion that swatting should be an acceptable
form of learning. I also believe in the time out method, and what really worked with my 2 oldest girls, was a loud noise I don't no how it should be spelled, but it was like "ANNNNT" in the strogest, deepest, tone I could make.
Also the public library is a great resource.
Luck

What you are feeling is quite natural. It is really good that you aren't letting your feelings ("Embarrassed, humiliated, lost, and sad") get in the way of asking for help. I only have one piece of advice and you actually came up with it yourself. Our kids often mirror our actions. So, when your son sees negative responses, actions, and emotions, that is exactly what he learns. He is learning it well. We parents are all responsibile for passing on patterns of behavior to our kids. As adults, we have the advantage of being able to motify our behaviors to meet our needs. It sounds like you have a need for a more peaceful home--you already have a lot going on. I am gently suggesting that instead of "working on" your lack of patience and loosing it, you need to change that behavior immediately. Your child needs to learn (from you) a better way to deal with things. Eventhough your insides may be red-hot with anger, anxiety, or frustration, try not to let it bubble to the surface when you are dealing with your son. He should see you handle him and most other situations with a calm, even hand. He'll eventually learn how to do the same. I hope you get the answers you need. Good luck and keep your head up.

First I would say this sounds like normal three year old boy stuff (at least, it sounds like my little boy). Second, do not beat yourself up! This is very hard stuff to deal with and I do no know what I would do if I couldn't say "wait til daddy gets home" (my personal weakness I must admit). I find the best bet for dealing with the tantrums is to put my "little fella" in his room for a time out(he is in the 98th percentile for his age, so he is huge). I often have to pick him up and move him while he is kicking and screaming. He continues to scream for a few minutes and then he is done and is ready to join polite society. If he does something dangerous (ie, running into the street, hitting his baby sister over the head, etc) he gets a swat on the bottom, and then off to timeout. He is now 4 and is gradually getting better as he matures and finds more self control. Just hang in there and do not feel bad about asking for help! Humans are social creatures and need lots of communication with others to get through our lives! Hope this helps.

First of all, I'd like to say given the situation you're in, I'd say you're doing the best you can. Having no one there to help you with anything puts alot of stress on you...and I can say, I've felt many a time the way you do and I've reacted the way you have in many situations. We're not bad parents, we're moms who are trying to be the dad too. We're moms who are doing the best we can.
I have a husband, but I also have the patience problem---and I regret everything, although I'm probably sure I haven't done a whole lot.
In your situation, just take time for you to breathe. There is a book that I'm currently working through. It has excellent advice, tips, strategies and gives you insight to the way you're feeling and what to do about it.
It's called SOS Help for Emotions. I highly recommend picking it up...it's helping me alot, and I've only gotten through the first two chapters (only because there are exercises and quizzes to help make sure you understand what you've read).
As for you son, a "spanking" and a "little swat" has been done for years, and we grew up okay. I don't believe it's right, but when you've "lost it", it seems like the only way to get your point across. However, if its not working, other methods need to be approached. Have you tried taking something that he values or plays with away?
I believe, even though he's young, he's acting out because he doesn't have a father in the picture. (from what you've said). Only reason I say that is when my mom left my dad long ago, she took us with her and it only took a day for my sister to start acting out---not coming home when she was supposed to, cursing etc. Mom did what she thought was best and went back. And the behaviour stopped because now there was a male influence.
I don't know much about boys, but I believe that they need some kind of male influence...somebody he can look up to and learn from...
Although all of this may just be hogwash from a SAHM with nothing better to do during nap time, but try to respond to the requests she can----in hopes of truly helping someone someday.
Good luck to you. And give yourself a pat on the back. Don't be so hard on yourself. Relax and things will fall into place. He knows you love him, and that's all that matters.

Hi A.,

I have a similar situation. My son (who will be 4 in August) will be the sweetest thing. But sometimes he can be very angry. I've also been to the point of loosing it and I have lost it so please know you are not alone.

Here are somethings that I do that work for me. First and foremost I try to remain calm, present in the moment and firm in my expectations. If I can't remain do this then I will step away from the situation until I can. Easier said then done though somedays.

If he's being physically agressive then I tell him to go to time out until he can calm his body down. This may take a minute it may take longer. The point you are trying to make to him is when you feel out of control you don't take it out on others.

When he's angry and out of control, I don't punish him. I have done that in the past and it just seemed to fuel the fire. So what I do now is just to calm him down and love him. Later when he's calm I talk to him about what is going on.

Of course if he's in danger, you are going to need to do whatever it takes to keep him safe.

Think of it this way, these little kids are feeling emotion (both good and bad). Your job is to teach them how to deal with the emotion. I know it is hard. All you can expect out of yourself is the best you can be on that day. No one else can judge that. Keep your chin up and smile. I think it's very admirable that you are asking for advice.

Take care,
J.

Yes, your precious is a normal three year old. Their feelings are very strong at this age, now that they are self aware and realize that feelings are very powerful things. However strongly they feel, you have to realize that there is very little mechanism for self-control yet.

A favorite phrase in our house is "We are ladies and gentlemen, and we do not act in this way." Say it firmly, but lovingly, and it might just shock him into silence the first few times.

Remember that you are the grown up, and you are a lady, and right now he is looking to you to be his self-control. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Is there perhaps an opportunity to visit with other moms at a playgroup, or some other mothering resource group where you can share stories and get help from other mothers? Mamasource is wonderful but there's nothing like face-to-face help.

God bless you and your little gentleman-to-be. I will pray for your patience and for him to mature at the rate God intended.

You poor thing! Threes are way worse than twos, that's normal. There're lots of great books out there. I can't remember which one recommended a 'time in' rather than a 'time out' for unacceptable behavior, but I liked the idea, and it did seem to help us. Rather than fly off the handle and scare/intimidate your son into submission, check in with him really closely (this is going to be most effective at home, not when you're out and about). Take him and sit with him and ask him how he's feeling, begin to teach him how to identify his feelings, give him words, you're angry because it's time to turn off the tv? You're frustrated because you can't reach the game? You're upset because you wanted to go to the park, but we need to go to the store instead? Help him rather than come down on him is the idea. It takes worlds of patience, but you'll be rewarded BIG. This isn't easy, but well worth the effort. Take a time in, to sit and just be together so he knows you're listening...
Best of luck and don't be too hard on yourself- it'll get better by the time he's 4! You're right around the corner from being with the sweet little boy you wanted!

Bless your heart. It sounds like you need a break and someone to talk to. See if someone can take him from you for a few hours now and then. But mostly find someone you can talk to. A minister at church, counselor, etc. Sometimes it helps just to vent to someone who is not involved in the situation. Gives you a different perspective. Good luck.

When we were kids we got in trouble and we were sent to our room and told to sit on the bed. We waited and as we waited our parents calmed down. Then they came in our room and told us that whatever we did was wrong and why it was wrong. They looked us in the eye and had a very serious yet dissapointed tone. Then they told us to turn over and we got spanked. Now this didn't happen for every little thing we got lots of warnings. Always stirn and always ment it. Our neighbor girl was a terrior. Her mother called it seizing because the girl would get so angery and scratch anyone and shake her head angerly. Its typical of that three yr old because her mother never ment it when she said something. Go to bed, take a bath, pick that up. She would say it and the girl never did it or two hours later she would finally go put her p.j.'s on. You have to mean it. Her husband is away with work now and she now is all alone to deal with this and the wooden spoon is her friend. I was amazed when the other day she told her girl to go do such and such and she did! I asked mom what happened and she said the wooden spoon happened. Your trying to get your child to do the right thing, and keep him safe. There is nothing wrong with that. You recognize that your behavior is not something you want to do. Its great that you want to change and I comend you for wanting to be a better parent. Dont stress too much you can controll your temper even if you just have to pick him up and shut him in his room or lock yourself in the bathroom till you get controll of your anger. I do belive that time out will work as effectivly as a spanking if you would rather do that. Be warned that first few time outs might be a war of putting him back in time out physically chaceing him. Its work but he is only three and you can get ahold of his temper and teach him right from wrong its not too late for either of you.

Hi A., I am 31 with a 4 year old, a 26 month old and due again in October, all boys! The baby is an angel but the 4 year old is , well another story. I know how you feel. My kids dad and I are married but there was a period of about 4 months last Nov. till Feb. where he was using drugs and it put alot of stress on me. Even now that he's back on track it's hard, i don't have the energy or the patience to deal with him the way I should and I realize that there is something wrong when I find myself getting into screaming matches with a 4 year old. I am not completely out of the woods yet but the things that have helped me keep my sanity are watching nanny 911, reading the new Oprah book A new earth,AND trying to give him a more structured day. I am by nature very controlling and I have an idea in my head of how children are suppose to act and those things apparently don't fare well with this young man child. I too, see that the spanking doesn't work the way it may have a while back and time outs in the corner or in his room seem to work better. I can also see that for me it comes down to attention often times, so I have had to rearrange my schedule to not be busy while he is up and about.I also notice like you that he seems to pick up quickly on my bad characteristics. Sorry I don't have better advice, I am sure someone else might I just want you to know that you aren't a lone ranger or a bad mom.We all do the best we can with what we have and maybe looking at this from the perspective that this is something put in to your life to help build your character and his will help give you a little strength to make it through.This too will pass, don't feel bad about asking for help. We all need it , and take what you can get from the advice given to you and leave the rest. Good luck!By the way it's not completely better yet but there is a big difference in how he is now compared to 6-8 months ago,so just hang in there!

Hey A.,
I read alot of the other responses and they are great advice and I see alot of value in what they said. I'm only a first time mom, and my daughter is only 1 but i've been around for each of my two sisters' three kids so I can tell you too that your son is a completely normal 3 1/2 year old boy. The only advice I have on keeping your sanity and patience when he starts his fits and things is to remember that he is a completely normal 3 1/2 year old boy. If you can do that, you'll realize his behavior is not your fault, not a reflection on you or your parenting and it's easier to handle. Books are always a big help and this may sound a little funny but if you can get your hands on a psychology text book that goes through the developmental stages of humans you'd be surprised what you'll learn is "normal". I am the nanny for a 14 year old, a 9 year old and a 7 year old. I also watch some neighbor kids sometims who are 13 and 9. My soon to be ex husband just took my 8 year old step son back to mississippi and I have a 1 year old daughter. I am typically surrounded atleast 4 children sometimes as much as 7. The only way for me to deal with all of their little idiosyncracies is to remember their ages, developmental stages and to know they are all completely normal and healthy. Thank God.

A., first, you are not a bad parent and I commend you for seeking help. my suggestion is that you stay consistent. i am not against spanking as it states in the Bible:Spare the rod, spoil the child. A little reinforcement behind that goes a long way as well, like taking privileges so he can think about what he has done....he will be mad (he's a toddler!), but he will get over it. Some children are a little more headstrong than others and require more discipline at your little one's age. this stage is most crucial as they are learning what they can get away with. when you are having that wonderful moment of apology, (cause he may think that if he does this after a tantrum, everything will be okay.) explain to him this behavior is unacceptable in a firm tone to interrupt the tender moment and let him know you mean business. Let him know you forgive him, but you haven't forgotten. You have to "one-up" him on everything: spanking not doing it? give him a full day of no t.v., toys, or whatever makes him tick. yes, he will holler, yes he may cry so hard he makes himself throw up...these are all oscar winning antics to make you buckle...he will be fine....he may even take a long nap after it all...lol. a full day without creature comforts is not a fun day for a three year old. then at the end of the day, make him repeat to you why you did what you did and reiterate that the same thing will happen everyday until he gets it right. trust me, he will give in before you do. You just have to be firm and CONSISTENT. Best of luck!

You are not crazy, you are not wrong, you are not horrible and you are not lost. No matter what our situation, we all feel like we are doing it wrong. I know it's hard being a single mom, and it gets really overwhelming. The lack of patience comes with children, period. While spanking won't and shouldn't be your longtime solution, it seems to be what works for you now. All I can tell you is that I have an 11 year old boy who is very much a mama's boy. I have spanked when needed and there are days when I am sure that he doesn't like me much. Around age 5, you should start to see that respect. Right now, at age 3, he is just trying to see what he can get away with, what makes you tick and what gets him what he wants. Let me assure you, timeouts usually don't work, but you can try them. You need to set, if even in your own mind, firm but permanant discipline solutions for each infraction that you find unacceptable, i.e. hitting (the worst of all offenses in my opinion) means loss of all toys, tv and fun time. The reason hitting is at the top of my list is that you don't want to be that mom that when your boy is 16 and you just grounded him, that he shoves or hits you. Maybe you could find a neighbor that will watch your kid for a couple of hours once a week, and you can return the favor?
It's hard, and I hope that this has helped. Don't give up! Once you demand respect and he sees that his tantrums don't win him anything or sway you, then it will stop. He is only 3, and trust me, when they get to 7 or 8 or older, those boys do love their mama! Just demand the respect now, and don't give in. A 7 o'clock bedtime never hurt anyone, if that's what it takes! Take the stuff that means the most to him, and use it as currency. Do wrong, and lose the privilege.
Good luck!

Dear A.,
I am going to make this short and sweet. First, I will pray for you. Second, I applaud you for asking for help because it is a brave step. Thirdly, I have no idea what to say to you that would help except to call a counselor and make a one time appointment get immediate help with the problem. After that you can decide if it is for you or not. But give it a real honest try --atleast with this counselor --who is marvelous.

I suggest you call Clifton Fuller at ###-###-#### He works miracles and I think you will get help in the very first appointment. He is on Huebner at the Bitters intersection. Near 1604.
Good luck.--S. C.

A.,
Take a deep breath. Three yr olds are a lot tougher than two yr. olds. If you are concerned about your parenting style try asking a local minister or the city offices..such as the library or community center, or even your pediatrician when or where they offer parenting or anger mgmt classes. These classes are usually not too long but they will tell you a bit about children's behavioral stages, ways to keep your cool under stress and they may have alternative ideas for you to try.

What about sugar? I understand hyper children act out badly when they eat candy or have soft drinks. If he does eat sweets, try taking him off sweets completely.

Otherwise, he may be spoiled.

I have a seven year old girl at my house--my brother's child--they live with me--and she was horrible at six when they first moved in and is barely better at seven. She can be so sweet, an angel, really, and then if she doesn't get her way somehow she becomes a monster. She cries endlessly until someone caves. It took me months to realize this child has gotten her way all her life and when she arrived at my house, everything came to a screeching halt. She was hitting her father regularly, because he let her. She was abusive verbally with her mother and otherwise acted like she didn't exist. I have delivered a few whippings myself--when she hits my brother, I deliver a swift swat then and there. Just like a puppy--catch them in the act. My friends doing believe in spankings either, but I have a very short fuse when she goes into her bad behavior mode.

We tried timeouts, and she got hysterical. I think otherwise the timeouts would have worked. We just didn't put it hard enough. They may still be the best bet, but she wouldn't sit still for it. So she gets a spanking instead.

Mainly, stick to your guns. You can't say no one minute and give in the next. You must be consistent, once you tell him what he can or can't do. Try sitting him down and explaining first, then the punishment phase--timeout or don't let him have his next request, whatever it is, and explain why.

One thing for sure, get it under control before it's too late. I'm afraid the little girl in my house may be beyond redemption. She is sly as a fox and knows how to play us, a regular little actress, and she lies a lot. I wish I had been involved sooner. My brother suffers dementia, so she is essentially without a father herself. But that's no excuse for her behavior, lack of respect, etc.

The only thing we haven't tried is professional counseling. If it comes to that, we're all gonna have to go--mom, dad, aunt and child.

Good luck!

Your son sound a lot like my oldest. She was the "perfect" bay and toddler, then when she was 4 all hell broke loose. Everyone kept telling me that it was normaly independence striking out and that I just magnified it because I was a single parent at the time and not very patient.

It turns out it was the beginning signs of ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). This is usually a side symptom of ADD/ADHD, but in my daughter the ODD is so pronounced that the ADD she has was not even able to be diagnosed until we could get the ODD under control.

I tried putting her into therapy at 4, but was told the same thing by that therapist as everyone else. IT wasn't until Autumn began kindergaten that FINALLY someone besides me saw how much further she was beyond normal. It was at that point that I got her into therapy. I fought against medicating her right away (I believe that children are overmedicated) and we simply worked with the therapist for a few years, but she kept getting worse. It was when I caught her shoplifting at 8 yo that I took her in to be medicated. She is highly watched with the meds. I want a child not a zombie. But I have learned that how much meds can go up and down with developing hormones (which being a pre-teen, my daughter is starting to have hormonal changes)

I would suggest having your son tested for ODD if not ADD and see if therapy for both of you works. IF not, if he is as difficult as my daughter, then you may have to begin medicating.

There is one other resolution to ODD, but it is very expensive. It is called Biofeedback therapy, they call it a cure which means once it is done, barring a traumatic head injury, your child should not exhibit any further symptoms. the problem is that most insurances do not cover it.

I wish you luck, and if it turns out, your son is ODD, feel free to contact me at anytime for additional support. Sometimes it helps to just talk to someone else who is going through it...

Good Luck... ;-)

I hate to be the one to tell you but this is typical for age 3! Yes it sucks and you can only let him know it is not acceptable behavior and use time out or whatever works for him. It is hard to stay calm and especially when you are doing it alone and not able to take a time out yourself. Just remember if you get upset and lose your mind he will to and see if that helps motivate you to stay calm :o)! Good luck!

I was also a single mother for 4 years.. During that time, my twin boys were 4.. close to your son's age.. I understand what you are going through.... One thing that worked, was if I was about to "lose it", I would tell them that Mommy is going into time out.. and go into your room and shut/lock the door (if he can open it).. My kids went crazy over me being in time out and begged me to come out.. They hated it!! Sometime I stayed in there for 5 minutes because I needed it.-I would go into my closet (because it was quieter) and just sit in the dark for 5 minutes. other times I stayed in there for one minute to get the boys to tell me they will start behaving.. And it usually worked. Good luck!!

A.

Don't dispair, have your son tested for ADD or ADHD. There are some very positive websites on how to raise these very creative children. Your situation reminds me of my own when my son was that age. When he was good, he was very very good, but when he was bad he was horrid. We've been through some very tough times and I've made some terrible mistakes (losing it and getting into yelling matches) and looking back there are so many things I wish I could change or words I could take back. Please understand that your son is lost also, he needs you to be the adult. Love him, love him, love him but he needs definite rules and consistent consequences.

Your son is still very young and talking and reasoning are probably not what he needs. Be consistent and firm in your discipline, stick to one thing, with my son I wish I had praised his positive moments more instead of concentrating on when he was being "bad." Catch him being good, give him chores or put him in situations where he will succeed and feel good about himself, my son grew frustrated very easily and would just give up, now that he's an adult (22) he seems to get stuck in "doom and gloom" scenarios instead of looking at the big picture. He is working and living on his own. :)

Give yourself a break, you need to find some time for yourself so that you can recharge, try putting him to sleep before you do, find a babysitter (I exchanged babysitting with another single mom), mom's day out, etc. Do yoga, reading, whatever but let it be just for you.

As your son gets older, listen more and lead by example. If you want your son to be patient, be more patient yourself. (very hard for me). I'm 46 now and raising another child as a single mom, I've learned to relax more and realize that not everything has to be perfect. Today is a good place to be, we'll worry about tomorrow - tomorrow. :)

Good luck and God Bless.

Hi A.-

I agree with the other moms, your feelings are normal and you're handling it the right way. One suggestion I would make is make sure when your son is doing the right thing that you praise him a lot!! Make a huge deal out of everything he does well, even if it's common for him and you've simply grown to expect him to be good in a particular situation, make sure he knows that you noticed and that you appreciate it. We were kind of slow picking this up when my daughter was 3 but once we started focusing our energy on praising her for the good behavior and spent less time on the bad, her behavior improved significantly. We still corrected the bad behavior but we didn't make as a big a production out of it. For example, if we were playing a game and she got frustrated and threw the toys or started kicking we said no, and then said we didn't want to play anymore because she hit and then we would walk away from her. If her older brother was around we would go play with him so that she got the point that people wouldn't want to be around her if she did those things. For my daughter, being ignored was a far worse punishment than any spanking or timeout that we ever gave her.

Good Luck,
K.

A.,

I mostly wanted to write and let you know you are NOT alone. Asking for advice is hard for many people. Don't feel like a failure and don't be ashamed for asking for help. We as humans thrive on relationship. We actually do need each other. I am a very independant woman and it's a daily lesson for me. I am a mother of three sons, twins turning 11 years this month and a four year old toddler. Children actually want and need boundaries. Toddlers throwing fits are them testing the boundaries. They need to know how far they can go. The most important thing for your son right now is routine. Having three sons has been a huge challenge for me in keeping a routine, but I notice when I do keep a regular routine then they are much more peaceful and happy. Schedule mealtimes and work around your job and mealtimes. Having that consistency will help your son feel secure. Let him help you clean up and cook. This will give him a closer connection with you and build his self-confidence, thus allowing him to express himself in a positive way. Lastly, don't stop seeking advice and new ideas from friends and family that lead positive lives.

Have a great weekend!
~S.

Hi A.. I am so right here with you. Just last night, I was laying in bed thinking about my 3 year old sons "horns" that have sprouted in the last couple of weeks, so I just thought I would offer some encouragement. I have also been having thoughts of what am I going to do with him...as I really do not know. I am usually a very patient person, however my son has even been acting in ways that makes me even want to lose it. However, I have a renewed zest to stay calm and in control. Sometimes I just have him stay in his room because I need a time out. When I am calm, I go back in and talk about what just happened and then one of several things can happen, time-out, take away toy, tv, etc (sometimes I let him choose-give him control of his discipline). I also love Supernanny and watch her everyweek. Dr. Phil says, that if you are having to yell or scream...they (toddlers/children) have already won. That is something I also take very seriously. I would try and encourage you to please try time-outs. It takes dedication and hard-work to make them work, but I feel that they are going to be so worth it. Sometimes I can tell when my son is going to misbehave and I say come-on where's my sweet monkey or you are such a BIG help can you come and...or I sure do need a hug can you come give me a big hug..trying to switch his mood over and redirect him to something positive. I am confident that with consistency this stage too will pass...Don't give up let's have hope!!! Good Luck!

WOW...You can't beat yourself up like that. It is a good thing that you know your weakness, lack of patience. I too have that weakness. Kids do tend to push our buttons. My advice is to... Take charge of your 3 year old. Kids need boundaries. If he sees you lose it and he gets a reaction, he may keep doing it to get the attention. Be vey consistent. When you say to him, if you do that again we will leave the park or you will get a time out or a spanking. Make sure you do it. He sounds like a normal 3 year old to me. He may need a male figure in his life, but he has you, a mom that dearly loves him and is doing the very best she can. You both will make the best of it, just don't let him get the best of you. A great book by James Dobson, the strong willed child. I have one too. The other thing is like you said, make sure he knows you love him, just not the behavior that he is doing. You will always love him. God made him special just for you and you are here to look out for him. Hug, kiss and Pray with him and for him. Take a scheduled time for yourself to be still and quiet, to be thankful for your son, to be determined to do the best that you can. Your son will know when you are frazzled and every mom gets that way. Children go through phases...Some are exhausting, some are completely refreshing, then that exhausting one comes back. Hang in there, you are not alone. Ask for help with your family when you need a break. Pray.

Do u have a local branch of mhmr ( mental health and mental retatadition , a state agency that helps people who have problems ). When my daughter was about 7 or 8m we started really having problems . She would hit me in the throat. ( in her sleep) . They came to the house , free of charge and talked with us . (Twice a week ) Until the problem was solved. Good luck , hang in there , G.