Toddler Hitting Himself and Mommy

I suggest the book"Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp.

I used this book with my three children, I get compliments on them all the time.

I believe this is a perfectly normal behavior. With so few words to express themselves, and being physically unable to speak many of those words, children seem to hit and scratch, bite and pull hair when they are frustrated. It sounds as if your son is developing right on track, just as my son did. At about 13 or 14 months, when he started the hitting and biting phase we had a couple of plans to help him cope. When he was hitting or biting my husband or me, we would simply tell him no, then put him on the floor and walk away for a minute. Sometimes he would crawl after us, sometimes not. He got over hitting and biting us fairly quickly, in my opinion (it took about two months). When he was hitting or scratching himself, we would hold him tight, to try to keep him from hurting himself. We would use the "shhh shhh" noise, also, because that is a comforting noise to babies/toddlers as well as for infants.

You certainly are on track with your approach, in my opinion. You are doing a fine job. Do what feels right for you and your family. He is YOUR son, and your parents and in-laws don't really have a say in how you handle his emotional development. I agree that a swat on the bottom is counter-intuitive. I do not advocate spanking, and at 13 months your boy will certainly NOT understand why he is receiving a swat. He will only know that mommy or daddy just hurt him. Babies are smart, but making that kind of logical connection is a bit much for 13 months.

As for influence from the children at the babysitter's, it is likely that children that age do hit one another. Hitting is a normal way for children to communicate their frustrations. How parents and care givers respond to the hitting is where children begin to learn to deal with their anger. You might ask the babysitter how she handles it when the children hit one another. If she is noticing it, and dealing with it in a way that you feel is appropriate, then all is well. As long as you are comfortable with the babysitter and feel your son is safe, I would not be too concerned about him seeing other children hitting. We cannot keep them in a bubble, as the saying goes. LOL.

Hang in there. This phase is more short-lived than you think it will be. Remember to take a deep breath for yourself, and remind yourself that you are doing a fantastic job.

Hi
First of all You are right with the spanking thing. Hitting a child in any way is not the answer. This only teaches them to resolve conflict with hitting, and that is exactly what you are trying to teach him not to do.
Another thing I would look into the sitter and ask her if she has seen this behavior too. It might just be a stage he is going through and the more often you give him attention when he throws a fit the more he will do it. Make sure he is in a safe place and just let him throw his tantrum. When he calms down praise him. When he does positive praise him! Use positive redirection always.
My daughter went through that stage starting about 18 months and shes just barely coming out of it and she will be turning 3 next month. Consistency and love is the key. Also lots of patience! Good luck!

I think kids act like this for a reaction. My advice? Walk away. Kids want attention, even if its negative attention. Try walking away for a week and when the child does not get his payoff he will stop throwing tantrums.
(A book I love about this is- How To Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too)
As far as spanking goes, I believe violence begets violence. By spanking, you would be teaching him its okay to hit.

When my son was 13 months old (he is now almost two) I was babysitting a friends kids (3 years old and 5) and the three year old taught my son how to stick his tongue out and spit. He also taught him how to say shut up and throw toys when he's mad. I just kept on correcting the behavior the way i felt necessary. it took about 2 months to undo what a three year old did in three days. odds are it's coming from the other kids he is around. I say this because i live with my niece and nephew who are 5 and 7 and the five year old will stomp her foot when she's mad or don't get her way and he did it too for a while. I would talk to the sitter and find out whats going on there. And consider finding another sitter. Also at this age kids will hit because they don't have the verbal skills to tell you what exactly his upsetting them. just bare with it. I'm sure he's fine. in my opinion he was just exposed to those kinds of actions. A lot of people dont agree with spanking. When my son would hit me or anyone else i'd slap his hand and when he would cry i'd say that's how you made mommy/hunter/lily or doggie feel. The one thing a lot of people do is, they will slap a hand or butt then baby them while they cry THAT (in my opinion) is a big NO NO. My son will throw fits and people think I'm mean for not comforting him but uhhhh...... I wont aknowladge a fit with negative or possitive actions. If you aknowladge it they think it's a way to get attention. If his fits get BAD I will pick him up (without saying a word) and put him in his bed, walk out of the room and close the door. When he's dont he comes out then I will tell him mommy put you in your bed because you did this/that.... But I never prolong the process by feeding a fit. But how ever you chose to handle your son will be perfect. You are his mother. And you know best. Your mom and MIL aren't his parent and therefore do not know best. Choose the way you see fit. Your son will be just fine! And he will adapt to whatever way you choose to handle his tantrums. Good luck to you!!!!!!!

Kimmie

Kimmie

Vey normal behavior! It's okay to be mad (even when you're 15 months) but we need to teach them how to show it. My oldest sounds a lot like your little one. I would stop her little hands and say, "Soft," and then help her be soft to her own little body. I would also say, "Mad! Mad! Mad!" and stomp my feet, and she learned how to express her frustration in a different way. The book Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp has excellent ideas for each small stage of toddlerhood. He has a dvd, too, but it isn't nearly as thorough as the book. Heads up--your mom and MIL will not understand your new approach, but they can read the book when you're done with it. :) Good luck!

My daughter, now almost 2, started to throw things, or hit and yell when she got upset right around 18 months or maybe just before. She does not go to daycare or anything and the babysitter that comes has a very laid back little boy so that is not where she gets it from. The babysitter we had before her was extremely calm with her. In my house, I have 3 other children so it is noisy and sometimes loud so maybe she gets that yelling from there. Anyway, my way of thinking is that why would you hit someone and tell them it is bad to hit? I always remove my daughter from the situation and tell her right away that is it not nice to hit and it causes the person she hit to have an owie-or whatever word you would use for a hurt (boo boo?). She also then knows and now realizes that she loses the use of something when she does this. And yes, there are times she gets a little pat on the behind--usually because she keeps going on the counter or something else she is not to do and she has been removed from there and told no multiple times. It does take time to get the ideas across at this age. If it does not seem to change over the next few months, you could raise the issue with his doctor.

First thing I would do is remove your son from the situation. For example, if he is throwing a fit at the grocery store, leave your cart, and get back to the car. (I had to do this, but it was better than causing a bigger scene.) In very few words, tell him to use gentle touches with himself and you. Kids cannot hear the word "don't", all they hear is the action.

He may be feeling frustration because he cannot communicate as much as he wants to do. and lashing out is a natural reaction.

So, my best advice, as I said before, is remove him from the situation and tell him he can come back when he calms down. You may sit with him, but don't necessarily interact.

First I would consult your doctor to rule out anything medical. They may also have resources that you haven't thought of. But whatever you do be consistant, letting you son know that he is not going to change your mind. Ask your babysitter about the agressive behavior of the other children and see if there is anything going on there. You son is only responding the ways he knows to get what he wants - you will have to be firm and loving.

This is not unusual behavior for this age. You are right-- with this type of personality, spanking won't help anything. I followed the "advice" of many people and spanked my oldest son when he got insanely out of control, but I wish I had never started spanking. I think people told me to do that because they didn't have any better ideas. Some kids are startled or scared out of their bad behavior enough by spanking that parents think it works, but going by my own children's personalities, I think your son is the kind that spanking will not bring about better behavior but rather more aggression. I wish I could tell you something that really worked for my son, but the best I can say is that he grew out of it. It was a difficult few years of constantly working on teaching him to control his temper. I had to be totally on top of anticipating his hunger and getting him to sleep a proper amount because those things made it even harder for him to be reasonable. He usually would not stay in time out and would hurt his brother and me when he was angry. I had to buckle him into the high chair, put it in the hall just far enough from the walls that he couldn't push off from them, and put the baby gate up to keep his brother away from him. I left him there until he calmed down. Sometimes the rest of us had to go into another room to protect our ears from his screams. My mom said my brother was the same way and she would put him in the shower and run cold water on him to shock him out of his rage. Something that seemed to help my son was to talk with him at calm times completely unrelated to any situation of bad behavior. We would talk about his feelings or sometimes I would just ask if there was anything he wanted to tell me. Until your son can talk more, you might just use this time to read a book from the library about feelings. It was a process, but my son is 6 now and very rarely has a fit of rage anymore. When he does, it seems to be as a result of a bunch of things built up-- getting to bed late for a few days in a row, hunger, frustration over brother taking his toys repeatedly, too much time away from home and family, big changes that he doesn't like, etc. Good luck!