Little Girl Has Starting Hitting

I have a 23 month old daughter who has just started doing the exact same thing. When she doesn't get her way she starts yelling and hitting me or her grandma. We have tried swating her and timeout. No luck here either..if you find a solution let me know.

I have worked in the daycare/school system for about 6 years, and I notice when children see you doing something they copy that behavior. Maybe instead of spanking her leg when she hits, explain to her that it hurts mommy when you hit me, then follow through with time-out or another source of isolation. When a child sees you hit they think it's okay to hit also. Just a suggestion.

Hello D.,
My son is 20 months old and he will sometimes hit as well. I will hold his hands and firmly tell him No, if he does it again, I tell him No and warn him the next time he does it he gets a time out. The third time he gets a time out and you would think that his world is coming to an end when he gets time out. Taking him away from play time is the worst punishment of all time for him. I pull a chair in the middle of the kitchen and make him sit on it for 1 minute. I turn my back to him or leave the room but still able to see him from where I go and count one minute. The first few times he got off the chair to come and find me and I put him right back on and started counting one minute over every time he got off of the chair, but now when he is in a time out he knows that he did a bad thing and he doesn't do it again (well, at least for a while), but sometimes when he is in a particularly fiesty mood he may try it again and he goes right back on the chair. Two time outs in one day devistates him and he settles down after that. Good luck!

I think the biggest thing that confuses children is spanking of swatting. That sends them the message, "It's okay to hit." So spanking for hitting is really ineffective. Children really are not old enough to understand the difference. One thing that we have done is have them form an imaginary bubble with their hands. Explain that we keep our hands in our bubbles because when we hit, that hurts. Ask her if she likes to be hit. Explain that others do not like to be hit either. Help her to vocalize her feelings rather than using hitting. :^)

K.

I agree with Carol, only I would do the time out the first time she hits. Otherwise, she knows she can hit three times before being put in a time out. She already knows she is not supposed to hit so she is being defiant. She doesn't need a warning. Hitting is getting her special attention. Do the one minute time out, even if it takes an hour! I've watched Super Nanny enough to see that this works!

She's awfully young, but you might also try helping her deal with not getting her way. She's allowed to say "That makes me mad!" or something like that, but hitting is a no no. Also, when my kids were little and they got really angry I gave them an outlet. I told them they were allowed to hit their bed as hard as they wanted! So, once in a while they would stomp off into their rooms and beat up their bed and pillow and get it out of their system - no harm done.

There is a book that is called "Hands are Not for Hitting". I have the "Teeth are not for Biting" because I had 2 biters and it is good. Mostly it is the problem of them not being able to express in words what their frustration so they hit or bite. Try the book the kids usually like it and their are suggestion in the back of things to try to stop the hitting.

Good luck
M.

It is just human nature to try to gain skill, knowledge, power, and control. Even when children lie, hit, procrastinate, shout, plead, sneak, or whine, they are simply trying to cause a desired response or outcome. When we are not able to teach them a more effective way of achieving a desirable outcome, we fall back to providing a less comfortable outcome for a behavior we do not want. However consistently we provide a punishment, a child will often continue in their behavior if we do not provide an alternative solution for them.

It is simply true, even in adults, that if we cannot get someone to respond pleasantly, we will feel inspired to do something to evoke some other response, even an unpleasant one, because we despise being ignored.

This is why I always recommend a book to parents that was just about the most important tool I found as a parent: a book called, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov.

From this book, I learned how to take the offending hand firmly, lovingly, and respectfully into my hand, and guide it to do the more appropriate thing. At the same time, I would praise the virtue that would inspire the desired behavior.

For example, if she is hitting because she wants an object, I would take her hands and gently guide them to an object she could have and praise her for being flexible. If she hit me because I was not responding to her call for my attention as promptly as she desired, I would take her hands and show her how to touch Mommy gently and say, "Oh, so gentle. Momma loves gentle hands." Then I would kiss and thank each hand for its gentleness. It is unreasonable to think that this will stop the hitting habit immediately. But, if you pay close attention for a few days, catch the offending hand promptly, and guide her consistantly, you should expect to see a change within a few days.

Until the age of about 3 years, children do not understand any time concepts. There is only 'now'. By the time a 'time out' is complete, they have no idea why they have been confined and rejected. They simply feel unaccepted and offended and are not generally able to associate that feeling with a behavior choice. I truly feel that the concept of a 'time out', when children are old enough to contemplate an issue logically, should be presented in a positive light and should not always be in isolation. With an older child who has 'lost their dignity' in some undignified act, I would say, "The first thing we have to do is plan for a way to restore your dignity and remember who you are. You will need time out to think about it. Do you want to discuss it with someone, or do you want to think about it on your own?" Because of this, I like the idea of always having two 'time out' chairs rather than one isolated 'chair of shame'. I like to present them as 'solution chairs' or 'peace chairs' or 'thinking chairs'.

The advantage we have when a child is 2 y/o and only has the concept of 'now', is that they are very easily distracted and very easily guided, compared to older children. It does take a lot of time and attention. But, when you are empowered with the focus and language skills to guide them, it is so much more enjoyable than experimenting with punishments that have little or no desirable outcome.

Hope you find this helpful. I adore mothers who think and discuss and learn-as-they-go. Your daughter is blessed to have you!

when my kids were little I let them see the mommy dissaproves eyeball look. Its that lift eyebrow and a I dont think so expression. Then a stern voice of authority NO, you have to play with several things the you hurt me and I am sad does work for some. Then others laugh and think its funny and more aggressive measures from there. either way catching it and not ignoring it is the best way to teach them young right from wrong. I have seen moms let them hit and they grow up doing it as teens. then its to hard to get back under control. so yep get while they are little ones. They are testing boundries and they need to be set.

Hi, D.. If your daughter does not talk a lot yet, this is her way of showing you what she can not tell you. I would try telling her what she might be feeling when she hits so she starts to understand that she can use words not hands to express herself. So, for example, lets say she wants a snack right before dinner and you tell her no. She is mad and hits you. You could say, "I know you are mad that you can not have a snack before dinner, but we do not hit." Say this very firmly and take her hand. Take her to a quiet place for a 2 minute max time out. When you go get her, say "next time you are mad, you do not hit." It won't take her long to figure out it is no fun. You can also try re-directing her when you see she is getting frustrated. That helps a lot at this age. Unfortunately, this is probably just one of many phases your daughter is going to go through, and you just have to be patient, firm, and above all calm. My motto is "Never let them see you sweat!" Once they know they get you all upset, the behavior seems to intesify just to get a reaction. Good Luck!

D., My youngest started hitting (mainly her older brother) at around 14 mos. She hits when he has something she wants plus she hits when she's just mad about something else. If we tell her Don't touch Daddy's computer, she hits her brother and so on. At first we were so shocked we didn't do much of anything because she was so little. We told Big Brother to stay out of her way. However, after about a month we started taking her out of the room. Each time she'd hit, we'd scoop her up and sort of hold her arms down and say over and over again, No, no, we don't hit. Hitting is unacceptable. She hates being out of the thick of things so that would really bother her. After a minute, we'd let her back into the room again. Most times she'd run right up to Big Brother and slap him across the face. So we'd have to do it again. For a month or so it was BAD we thought we'd never break her down. Now after 4 mos of this she's doing MUCH better. We only have an episode maybe once a week (vs. 6 times a day!). We've also told Big Brother to speak up. She'd laugh when she hit him and she thought it was a game. Now when she hits him, he says I don't like it when you hit me - that hurts. And then he turns his back on her and finds something to do without her. This was more effective than anything else as she ADORES Big Brother and can't stand to have him mad at her or not with her.

You'll have to figure out what will work best for your child, but just make sure that you're consistent. That's the hard part - there will be times you'll want to let it slide, but you just can't. Those little people are always looking for a weakness in your defense.

I agree with setting limits and not giving her multiple opportunities to hit before trying to stop the behavior. We experienced it with our daughter and I found most of the time it was out of frustration. So I also tried to give her the tools to express her feelings with words rather than hitting. I would ask her what was making her upset or frustrated. I think that helped stop the hitting. One other thing I would do is just walk away. It gave me a moment to think about which way I was going to handle it.
I hope you get some resolution quickly!

Hello D., I have two boys 6 and 9 stepson 14 and am pregnant with another boy. I think all kids do go through this, but how it is handled determines how long it lasts. Spanking them I think may initiate it and intensify the length of time they do it. Definitly time out one minute for each year of age and then discussing it is probably your best bet, consistency being key. Does she go to daycare, it is likely that is where it was learned. My oldest son was in a daycare from 18-20 months and definitly got his share of bullying, though he didn't start hitting until daddy started spanking around 2 years old. I was the one usually there, so it was quickly stopped as I chose other methods primarily time outs and talking and listening. Good luck to you, R.

My little girl is 23 months and going through that same phase of doing something ornery if she isn't getting what she wants. It can include anything from throwing her milk cup if she sees someone has soda, to hitting or even biting.

I have found that if I tell her "no ________" hitting, throwing, biting whatever and we do timeout for 2 minutes she usually straightens up. Then she has to apologize for whatever the offense was and I explain why it was naughty. Even at this young age I think she understands.

When she hits her sister out of frustration (they bicker a lot when they play) I will have her hug herself just as tight as she can and tell her when you feel like hitting we should hug instead! That makes her feel better I think and she realizes it is okay to get frustrated, but that there is an alternative to hitting. Once she's hugged herself they usually go right back to playing and we have at least 15 minutes without any bickering! LOL

Hope this helps a little! :)
M.
____@____.com

Good Morning D., I have no idea what starts this behavior. All of our gr children did the same. The two 3 yr old cousins still do it and we have tried everything also. Corner, time out, etc.

If you ask them why they hit each other, they really have no idea. If they hit over a toy, the toy is taken away. If they get mad and hit, they really get a time out in the corner. Then we talk about the behavior. I let them both know it hurts Nana's feelings for them not to be nice to each other.
The younger 3 yr old always complies with the I am sorry for hitting you Asher, Asher is stubborn and will not speak to either of us for a long time. With him I have to be more firm. He had 2 older siblings. He is a tough little cookie to crack ;)

As far as I know D., most children go through the hitting and crying, blaming others, etc.
I also have swatted them. My son's lived so I don't think it really damages their little minds, unless taken to far. I know some others might say swatting them when they hit just shows them hitting is OK. Discipline verses punishment.
I was spanked as a child, I'm still here lol.

I wish I could help more, cause we're still working our way through it also. One more child to go when these 2 get through it. Thank goodness he is only 7 months.

Best of everything to you D., she is still a sweetheart, just one going through the "normal" stages.
K.
Nana of 5
PS pray for me this week too......lol Two oldest 9-7 going to Dry gluth Church Camp for 4 days. We will keep their little brother from Wed - Sat am. So mom gets a break and son and wife can have time alone again. I keep the two youngest gr son's daily. So I get the two 3 yr olds. Yipppppppppeee....lol Corners are clean time out chairs on the ready :) *laughing*

In your "A little about me," you say DD is: "Very sweet most of the time but when she gets tired and mad she shows it."

That's a big part of it. Try to anticipate her mood--has she had a snack lately? a nap? Another poster also made a point about not showing her that hitting is ok by swatting her.