I'm So sad...we've Decided to Wait to Have Another One

I hear you...we're in a similar situation. I just keep thinking though...I have plenty of time to make more money, not so much more time to have another baby....I know that doesn't help, but just know you're not alone!

Good luck!
-M

I say do it anyway. We'll always be broke! You can't always have a baby... It will be hard, but super worth it in the end.

I applaud you for making a decision that is right for your family. On the age issue - don't sweat it - I had my first baby at 40 - and he is perfect.

A wise woman once told me "Just because you grieve does not mean it was a wrong decision." Give yourself a chance to grieve for a short time, then let it go.

Then work with your husband to put a plan in place to make this happen. Be sure to agree on what the specific goals are. "Until our finances are better" is way too vague and could lead to misunderstandings between the two of you in the future.

My daughter, my first and only, was born when I was 40. The pregnancy, the labor and birth, and the girl, all came out perfectly.

My husband and I had our 1st baby when I turned 38 & then our 2nd child at 42! Both healthy & beautiful little girls. I cannot begin to tell you how many women are having babies well into their 40's these days. God-willing, you will be able to as well and you're only 36! Work hard to improve your finances, have a good plan & who knows, perhaps you & your hubby can get through this tough time more quickly. Let the idea of a new baby be your motivation!

Well, kudos to you for putting on your "big girl" pants and making a rational decision! While it can be said that there is "no ideal" time for a baby, you and your hubby have decided to get your financial house in order for the good of your child(ren)!
Check out Dave Ramsay online, on tv or get O. of his books. Awesome strategies to clean up your debt so your money works for you.
Good luck!

I can so understand where you are in life. We had our son and were planning on another child when my husband lost his job. I was 38 at the time, so we were really facing the time crunch. It took my hubby a while to get back into his field (very specific, hard field to get back into), and time just kept ticking.
I kinda' had to go through the "grieving" stages before I finally felt better. It's okay to feel sad. The stages are:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I can truly say that there are some great benefits to having only one child- and I always try to concentrate on those when I start to feel sad. In other words, once I got through the "stages", I just always try to think about the glass 1/2 full.
Totally understand what you are going through,
R. :)

I feel for your situation. I am going to be 32 and we are going to be trying for #2 pretty soon even though the recession has hit us too. Money problems can be turned around but producing more eggs (and quality eggs) cannot. I know so many people who are in their 40's who are trying to have a child and they waited too long. They are paying so much for infertility treatments and all that. I feel for them. I don't want to be in their situation and after 35, it is proven you have a higher risk for abnormalities and defects - why risk all that when like that one lady said - you can use walmart diapers and hand-me-downs?

To me, the joy of having a child far out weighs any financial problems that you may think would prevent you from having children. I always think of my great-grandparents and grandparents in these scenarios. They were very poor and yet managed to have many children and raise them well. We magnify problems and think they prevent us from getting what we want, but in reality things would probably be ok if you got pregnant now and had another child.

You will never have another child if you wait until you have enough money or a nice enough home or a nice enough car. If you have the baby you will find a way. There are lots of posts here on mamapedia on how to save money. Look them up. Learn and enjoy.

I had a friend that was only planning on having one. They they got a surprise. Both children grew up to be outstanding citizens and sons any family could be proud of. When the oldest was 19, he was on the way home from work on a freeway, in a misty rain when he saw a woman in a dress trying to change a flat tire. Being the good son his parents raised, he stopped to help her. He had just gotten the tire off the ground and was getting ready to loosen the lug nuts when the car was sideswiped by another car. He was killed instantly. The driver never stopped.

His father related the story to me on several occasions as he was expressing his grief over several months. He always came back to how lucky he and his wife were to have been "surprised" by their second child. He told me he and his wife stood at the window every time their second son left the house for months, hoping and praying for his safe return. He told me he and his wife probably wouldn't have made it if the son they lost was their only child.

When my wife and I got married, our first arguement was over how many kids to have. I wanted two. (I was one of two kids.) My wife wanted a dozen. I finally settled it and said, "Ok, I'll do my part." We ended up with eight. I can't imagine how sad my life would be if I hadn't had the other six. If we had waited until we had enough money or what ever, we would have never had any kids. Read my profile.

If you really want another child, have it now, while you can. Or have two more. If you raise them right, you'll never regret it.

I think you should listen to your "emotional guidance system" on this one... you TRULY want to be a mom again, so much that your mental well being has been affected, and your not happy with this decision. I heard a phrase recently and decided it was going to be my personal motto from now on... "it will never get finished and it will never be enough, and that's ok." There will always be bills, or work, or projects, or hardships, or detours in life that try to get us off track to what we are meant to do in life.

Think about what brings you joy in your life. Your child's laugh or when he/she hugs you and everything feels so right in the world? Spending time with your family? Now look at your bills and your financial life... is it primary or secondary in your life? Will a better credit score or more of a cushion in the bank make you feel as good as that sweet newborn baby will?

I grew up poor. My sister and I didn't always have the nicest clothes, and our parents didn't drive new cars, and we often experienced hardships and went without. But I knew love and I knew I was loved, and I look back on my childhood and am happy about it.

Deep down, you obviously don't agree with the decision to wait if it is making you so upset. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, and delaying your joy today may forfeit it for the future. So, it may be a little tighter financially if you have another mouth to feed and body to clothe, but think of the joy your first one has brought into this world and double it! I can think of nothing more beautiful and satisfying and joyful than a child, even a well cushioned savings account.

i think have a baby - you both want it, it will be loved - you will find a way, eat beans for a year, use walmart diapers - my gut feeling is to go for it now.

you can get second hand stuff, or use the stuff from your first - the second is easier, and if you are on low income you can get chip free health insurance.

i have probably just said the opposite of what you wanted to hear - but for some reason i got a strong feeling when i read your post that you should go for it now and not wait - call it premonition or what i dont know!

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, even though you feel you made the right choice. Your feelings are valid, and you need to allow yourself the opportunity to feel them. Maybe your conversation and decision was too open-ended or vague. Why don't you and your husband make some goals and specific ways to achieve them in a certain time frame. That way you may feel more in control of the situation and see progress towards your dream.

I'm so sorry for the disappointment you are feeling, K.. Don't deny your feelings, but don't nurse them, either; they will take whatever time they take for you to process them and move toward acceptance. It would not be good for you, your child, or your marriage to either smile through gritted teeth or to mope endlessly.

As an older woman, I've had many disappointments and griefs to deal with. I've learned that letting go of dreams hurts, deeply and truly, no matter what the dream. And it helps to actively choose a new dream. Whenever I have done this, and really invested my thinking, enthusiasm, and love toward whatever choices are still open to me, I eventually notice that life is so full and blessed, I wouldn't really want it any other way.

This can come gradually, or as a sudden surprise. I wish you this gift, so that you can pass it on to those you love.

Hi, K.! I'm the same boat -- I have an awesome 3 year old and am also in my mid-30s and want another, but know it's best to wait due to financial reasons. Know that you're not alone! And be proud of yourself for doing what's right for your family. Not many are that responsible. It makes little sense to have another and struggle -- that's bad for all involved. For me, I feel like I'd rather put my focus on one than to be scattered and stressed with two and am SO grateful that I have one awesome healthy one, knowing so many women can't have any. But I do know it's really hard and I do cry sometimes. Just take heart and know that you're making the right decision for now. And I'm an only child and had a full, awesome childhood, so it can turn out great. I'm praying for you and your family.

I went through the same feelings when I found out that my husband and I both tested for a rare genetic disorder (Cystic Fibrosis) There is a 1 in 4 chance that the baby would be really really sick. (but in my selfish brain, there's a 3 in 4 chance that everything would be fine)

We have such a perfect little girl that it would devastate ALL of our lives to bring in a baby who could need so much care and attention. It was a REALLY hard pill to swallow when my husband said he was absolutely unwilling to even take the chance. But I realize that it is a smart decision. Not the one I ever thought I would make but the one that we need to make.

I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles, but if it helps at least it's not "not ever" it's just "not now".

One thing tho, don't let #1 in on any sadness or longing you are feeling. You wouldn't want them to feel like you thought they weren't enough for you. Kiddos ALWAYS find a way to make problems into their own faults.

Chin up, it'll get better.

Hi! Don't worry about your age. I had my first child 3 months before I turned 40! You're still young and you may not have to wait that long for the 2nd.

However, for many reasons I decided only to have one child. My husband wanted another but I was the one who wasn't up for it. I think I made the right decision for me - financial reasons being one of them. It would not have been fair to have a baby when I didn't think we could handle it. My son is happy and has lots of cousins and friends and he says he doesn't miss having a sibling. So if for some reason you only wind up with one child you'll all be fine and happy. You just have to adjust your thinking so that you are ok with it

Hope this helps! Good luck.

I think you will feel much better if you work on your financial problems. This is what is causing all of your dilemmas. You are probably extra-stressed out because of your financial burden and you think that having another baby will bring some joy, but you know in your heart that it is not the right thing to do. Sit down with your husband (and if needed someone else to help you with the finances) and come up with a plan to reduce your debt. Once you have a plan that you CAN stick to, you will feel so much more empowered. You will be totally motivated to work on your finances and you will feel really good when your debt is getting erased. Once the "house has been cleaned up" you can start fresh on your family plan. You are not too old, really. I had my first when I was 36 and my second at 39. My friend didn't have her first till she was 39, and she has 3 healthy boys now!!

I whole heartedly agree with the others about waiting and putting the financial house in order. How would you manage two kids and very little income to provide for them? I know be rationale but be realistic as well. If you cannot conceive there is always adoption. You must always remember that your two may not be like you and your sibling even if there were close together. Just grieve a bit and let go as another said. Don't spend all your energy on the what if. Your next baby will come when it is time. Until then enjoy what you have. The other S.

Maybe your heart is heavy because you have a legitimate concern. Pray for guidance.

IMHO children are a blessing from God and are known before they are knit in their mother's womb.

I found out - around age 37-38 - that my fertility was almost gone. It was shocking.

Good luck to you and God bless you no matter what the outcome.

A quick response: There is an old expression that helps me " People make plans, and God laughs." It is very important to have a plan and a vision of your life, and just as important to be flexible and take what comes in life. Your dreams are not gone just rerouted. Your current feelings are real. Be in them, then use them as motivation. I like what someone said to use your dreams as a goal. Maybe have a plan to get to that goal, put a piece of maternity clothes in your closet and every time you see it you will be reminded of why you are working so very hard right now, and scrimping and saving to get what you really want for your life. Make a deadline, by June 2011 we will rethink this decision, reevaluate and make the best decision we can in that moment. For now be secure that you feel that the decision you have made is a thoughtful and good decision for this moment. Also, my sister and I have a very large age gap and we are very close, my children are almost 5 years apart and they are best friends, so age, yours and your kids can not be too big a factor in waiting a year if you know it is right for you and your family. Good luck and remember to revel and enjoy every blessed moment of the family you have now. Celebrate the blessing that is the child you have now, because this moment in their lives will never happen again so savor it. Good Luck!

I think, if you can plan well for financial stability, then that is great. Neither of my kids were planned however and one came at a very hard financial time. That said, he is a joy, we learned to live leaner and I don't regret one single day.

I guess my question would be: If you got pregnant NOW and were in debt, would you end the pregnancy or somehow make it work?

Best wishes!

I would say action towards the problem, the debt would help. Set a goal, having $_ in savings, paying of _ credit card bill...then get to work!! If you want this to happen faster get another job, cut the cable, cut coupons, have a garage sale,stop shopping, return what you haven't used from the store and get to your goal! Another year to get your ducks in a row is not going to hurt, if it does maybe the effort to save will show hubby that there is hope in this economy to have a baby and the pregnancy can happen quicker.

We decided to wait at least three years before trying for another. Well, three years has turned into....not sure. I had our daughter when i was 30. Now I'm 36 and still not 2nd baby (I guess the universe knows what it's doing...)

Our daughter is doing great in Kindergarten and enjoying all the attention she has gotten from us. It would be our greatest joy to welcome another person into our family. I'm realizing the older she gets, the more she will remember about being an older sibling.....They may be 7,8 or 9 years apart.....but financially speaking, it probably means we won't have two kids in college at the same time.

It's hard because your body wants a baby NOW but your mind is telling you otherwise....I know this feeling so, so well.

Know this: you are not alone, the universe knows what it's doing and the present moment is what really matters.

And if your funk lasts too long, you might want to reconsider...sometimes a price can't be put on happiness....