I'm Really Struggling with "Mom Guilt" - Help Please

Well... probably the least important : Most people don't unload / ask for help on facebook. It's not really what the site is used for. They're sharing fun stuff. Which by nature is happy stuff. FB isn't a blog, it's not a journal, not group therapy, and it's not a conversation. You're getting snapshots of things people LIKED in their own lives, or found funny, or the mini-vent, or important life updates (births, deaths, new jobs, vacations, etc.).

Which goes along with:

"Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides."

TRUST ME: Mom-guilt is a SuperPower. Pick a thing. Pick ANYTHING and you can feel guilty about it. There's no guilt-free choice in parenting.

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Dear, you're even worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. Mommy guilt is quite an extensive subject, just google it. We could all wallow in it if we allow ourselves to. Give yourself a break, ok? So you had to have an emergency C-section ... how did you have control over that one? I'm going to guess that you didn't. Your son goes to goes to daycare ... so do many, many other children. You have control over your life. If you feel that there are things that need changing, then do it. And stay off Facebook for awhile. NO ONE bares their warts on their profile, right? It's all "look at me and my wonderful life/vacation/kids etc."

Lastly, you may want to check-in w/ your physician. I went through a bit of the blues post child and took an anti-depressant for a few months. Absolutely no shame in that. After 6 months, I felt I didn't need it and I moved on.

Facebook-- I read a GREAT quote the other day (on Facebook, ironically enough) "

One reason we struggle with insecurity: We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” Steven Furtick

Very inportant to remember!

And guilt is the "default" setting of motherhood! as I said on another post "And guilty is the default setting of ALL moms-- stay at home, working away from home or the middle of the roaders who work part time or work at home. There are very few moms who DON'T feel guilty about something,"

You first choose to not feel guilty. Every time a guilty thought comes to mind tell yourself to stop and change the thought. It will take time for this to help but it will help. Remind yourself that you do not and did not have total control over all the various situations. Teach yourself to accept what happens in the present and to not go back and ruminate over the past that cannot be changed.

It's a matter of changing your way of thinking. There are a couple of formal psychological theories that teach how to change the way you think. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one. You can look it up on line.

I urge you to find a therapist who can help you change the way you think. You could also get help from self-help books focused on cognitive theory.

Later: You are probably quite anxious and an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication might help.

I agree that everyone feels mommy guilt, and that you have to choose not to feel guilty about making what you think are the best choices for your family. However, if you find you can't get past it, you might have a problem with anxiety or depression. It's up to you to figure out if this is just a passing phase or if you need professional help. Good luck!

They don't call it "Mother's Guilt" for nothing. Here's the deal, guilt is like worrying, if you let either consume you then it's a self fufilling prophecy. You spend your days feeling guilty and you will look back on those days feeling gulity that you wasted so much time feeling guilty.
NO ONE has it all figured out, I'm probably a little older than you and trust me as time goes on and life unfolds tons of those people who seem to have it all figured out start to crack and show flaws just like the rest of us.
My husband and have been talking a lot lately about how it seems after 40 so many couples who seemed to have perfect lives are broke and divorced, it would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
To me a perfect life is appreciating what you have WHEN you have it and enjoying every minute you have with the people you love. You can't get life back for a redo because you missed it from feeling guilty all the time. Let it go and live for today and tomorrow.
PS- Facebook is like those dorky annual Christmas letters, no one tells the real truth!

The things you are feeling guilty about are things that are mostly out of your control.

As moms/parents, we can only do our best.

Loving your child with all of your heart is enough.. The extra stuff is the icing on the cake.

C Section ~ Beyond your control.You had to do what you had to do to make sure your son was born safely.

Circumcised ~ it is done and it will be fine. If your son every says anything just tell him you all discussed it and your husband made the best choice he could at the time. ~ this is the truth.

Working.. Honey most moms do work either from home or away. They have done this since the beginning of time.. Imagine how our husbands feel? My husband would have loved to have stayed home, but he makes more money than me and he did not think he had a right to do this.. He has always loved our daughter as much as I do. I worked in a job where I had to travel sometimes wees at a time. But I made good money and was then able to do things for us as a family, I would not have if I had stayed home.

Our daughter loved daycare. Her little friends, her teachers, the constant attention on the children.. Heck at home she would have had to run errands and deal with me all day while I did house work. I was not going to be able to give her all of that attention and stimulation she got at daycare. They had a great schedule, with tons of activities.. and opportunity. She flourished.

She was completely prepared for school. She walked right not kindergarten and never looked back.

Every parent has some guilt, but you just learn that as long as you are doing your best.. No REGRETS!

Everyone feels guilt. And don't even think about taking Facebook at "face" value. They SEEM happy - that's the key. Facebook is the face people put on for the world to see. It's not reality. There may be 1% of people out there who have it all under control.

I'm feeling guilty right now because my little guy is on the Autism spectrum - he is hardly symptomatic at all at home, but I'm hearing about his behavioral challenges in the social situation at his pre-school/early intervention and it hurts so much. What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? Did I make him this way? How much harder will his life be? I want to make it all beter NOW, but I can't and it's going to be a life-long process to some degree.

There will always be something we question ourselves about. But we can't let that bury us and stop us from enjoying everything else.

If the guilt is starting to get in the way of you feeling like you are able to function, talk to your doctor as soon as you can and make sure it's not depression, etc. Mommy-hood is hard, and anyone who says it's not, is full of you-know-what. It's rewarding as heck, but it's NOT easy.

I feel guilty a lot and I think a lot of mom's do. My kids are 7 and 3 - is your's an infant? FIrst, please understand your homones probably affect some of these feelings. For the first year, I was a puddle about a lot of things. if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, you might want to discuss with your doctor.Lots of women need a little help at first.

Second, try to see the guilt as somewhat a good thing, an adaptive quality. Guilt and the anxiety over doing the best for your child means that you care and empathize with his needs. You will be surprised at how many moms you will meet who put their own needs so far ahead of their kids that I don't understand why they had children. These are the moms who let their 1 year olds climb to the top of the jungle gym so they can sit and chat and when the child falls say, "Great, now he's learned his lesson."

You are likely a sensitive and involved mom. Just don't get swamped by the feelings. It is possible to be so worried all the time that you fail to enjoy your child, and that would really be something to feel bad about.

I think the other posters have covered FB and the things you're worry about pretty well. I just want to add two things.

You might want to check in with your doctor and see if it's a good idea to do a depression screening. I often second guess myself and my decisions a lot when I'm depressed.

On the lighter side, I hope you don't take the people around you too seriously either. I feel like Naples is a whole town just like FB--everyone looks like they're living totally amazing lives and it's hard to remember that NO human beings are perfect. My in-laws live there, my husband grew up there, and I refused to move there because I knew that being around all those rich, fit, wearing-designer-clothes people's facades would give me a complex. I seriously sometimes feel too poorly dressed to even visit there!

Plus, I met a lot of my good friends when my oldest was little and we have since had conversations where I said, "Oh you always had everything together!" and they say, "No, I didn't--YOU always had everything together." So we are never as good as we look!

HTH!

First of all, Facebook is a complete farce, and imho a narcissistic brag-a-thon or "look at me" engine most of the time. Yes, I do FB, mainly to watch my teen but I still get caught up in it. It leads to coveting, which is sinful and destructive in my book.

I also believe that guilt - unless it is earned/deserved - is destructive. Even when it is earned/deserved, you can go too far with it. God doesn't want us wallowing in guilt, failing to look up at Him and what He wants us to do with our lives.

I would ask myself what the guilt is doing for me. Is it allowing me to avoid making changes that maybe I really do want to make? Is it allowing me to not face things head on? Did anything in my early years teach me to beat up on myself?

Maybe I'm off base, and giving you too much a religion-oriented answer, but it's generally how I feel about guilt. I've struggled with it myself.

Please lay down this burden . . . life is hard enough. Good luck.

Sometimes guilt paralyzes us and sometimes it helps us change things. I hope you use it for the latter. Just food for thought: the emergency CS, the circumcision, and some of these things aren't going to matter in 10 years or more. However, the fact that you are not with your son a good part of the day because you are working, will have some negative effects on your enjoyment of your son and his closeness to you. Consider if you can't find a way to be with him more--cut your hours at work or become a stay at home mom for a few years. It might just relieve a lot of your anxiety and remove a whole lot of guilt. I quit work when my first was born and never regretted it. My husband and I have thrived even though our monthly income was cut by 60%. Money just can't buy the memories I have loving and teaching my 3 kids every day and the security I have in knowing they are getting the best care I could ever hope for this side of heaven. No one loves your children as much as you do....no one. Nurse Midwife Mom

Oh, sweetie, you are not alone. Mothers learn how to guilt-trip their kids only because they've spent the last few years wracked with it themselves. Facebook will not show how people are really doing--there's no way to have that level of intimacy on an online site. Most won't say a thing on the phone, either. But we all feel guilty, we all wonder if the choices we are making for the family or for financial reasons--or even for our kids--are the right choices.

I would suggest getting with a local meet-up mommies group or setting up something with your local friends there. Make it a Saturday afternoon where you all go out for coffee or something. Then tell them what you're going through, and see what they have to say. Right now we're living off my husband's salary because we moved here for his job, and even though he's made it clear I don't need to work, I feel guilt for not bringing in more income.

I understand the worry about your son growing apart from you as an adult, but daughters do this too. And I know a TON of sons who don't grow apart, but who maintain strong friendships with their parents--especially their mothers--for the rest of their lives. But I expect you'll to still worry about it, mainly because that's what we do. lol

Make sure you have people to talk through these guilts with. Let your husband, parents, etc. know how you're feeling. And then work on finding breaks in this, times when you can relax a little and not worry so much, so that your shoulders don't tighten up permanently.

I feel for your situation. I hope you find a way to express what you are feeling to those around you. Good luck!

I would not assume that everyone you know on facebook is happy. All parents have their ups and downs. I don't like that I had a c-section either, not guilt but more that I was jipped. As for having your son circumcised. I would not have wanted it if I had a son either, but I know I would have had it done because my hubby would have wanted it. That is compromising as parents. I know I made choices that my hubby did not totally agree with, but he compromised with me. Don't worry about things so far in the future, you will make yourself nuts. And as for daycare, right now I would guess that your income helps. It's not easy to just scrape by. Maybe in the future you can stay home.
Nothing is perfect in my life, but I do my best to take it day by day.

Don't look at anyone's facebook posts as an indication of reality.

I always said I make the best choices I can. If I do well so will my kids, if I mess up they can write a book about how awful I was. Either way they have a secure future. :)

If it makes you feel better my older son is 23, moved out earlier this year, still calls and is happy I circumcised him though he thinks the women here talk about it a little too much.

All Moms, could feel 'guilty' for what you feel guilty of.
But they don't let it control them.
It is a choice.

Do you have depression or anxiety???

I had an emergency c-section too, with my 1st child. Then I had a planned c-section with my 2nd child.
I have NO guilt about that whatsoever.
WHY?
Well, because my 1st child didn't die during my labor which ended up in an emergency c-section. We did, what was BEST given that situation.
I have NO guilt about my 2nd c-section. WHY? Because, my son was born healthy and well. And, I healed well after.
The MAIN thing is: not how I gave birth... BUT... THAT my kids, were born. They were born. And they were born healthy and normal and they are happy children, now.
THAT is what matters.

Life is about, thankfulness. Too.

Are you able to have a conversation with your Husband?? Even just to commiserate or chat? Maybe he feels bad about those same things too? Men... can be quite feeling too, like we women are sometimes.

Maybe, you need someone or a community support group, to join so that you can get things vented.

I would start to realize that nobody is a perfect parent and nobody gets it right all the time. And that there are many many things that are beyond our control (i.e. needing a c-section) so it's useless to feel guilty over them. And that on Facebook people often portray themselves and their lives only in a positive light, or at least only show what they want to show - Facebook is not their day-to-day real life, warts and all. And that some things are so far ahead in the future that it's pointless to worry about them now. And maybe you should talk to your doctor about post-partum depression, in case that is playing into any seemingly "irrational" thoughts or feelings that you have.

But as for me, I learned a long time ago to stop beating myself up over every little thing, because I knew I was doing the best job I could do, and my daughter was happy, healthy, well-fed, and thriving, regardless of any "mistakes" I made along the way. I also learned to put things into perspective - I wasn't abusing her in any way, she wasn't neglected or made to feel unloved or unwanted. You are concerned and you worry because you love your son and you care and want the best for him - and that's a heck a lot better than a lot of parents out there.

Adding another voice to the "You are not alone" chorus. As far as I'm concerned we have one of the most important jobs on the planet. We're raising future contributing members of society. We've undertaken a huge responsibility and we want to do it well. I worry that something I say, which seems minor or innocuous to me, will stay with them for the rest of their life and shape who they become. I think my mom was amazing but there were things she did and said that impacted me in a negative way. That said I wouldn't be who I am today without her and I wouldn't wish for a different mom. I wouldn't be surprised if you are a bit of a perfectionist. And it's easier said than done, but ease up on yourself. You didn't elect to have a c-section, it was necessary to save you & your son. I think some day he'll be grateful for that. The circumcision, I let my husband decide that as well and while I probably wouldn't have chosen it, my sons are just fine. You are chosing to work for solid reasons and as long as you spend quality time with your son he won't know any different. As for the future, no one can predict that, but as long as you do your best that is all you can ask of yourself. As for how I deal with my guilt, I allow myself to feel it and then I remind myself of all the ways I am doing right by my sons. I remind myself I'm only human and that no one is perfect. I remind myself how much I love my family and how much better my life is with them in it. When the guilt starts getting you down, come back and read all these responses, remember you aren't alone and that you are an awesome mom b/c if you weren't you wouldn't feel guilty, let alone have written this post. Sending you a huge cyber {{HUG}}.

Maybe you should see a professional. All of the things you are feeling guilty about and worrying about are definitely things you should not be depressed/feeling guilty over...Seriously!! How is having a C-Section even you fault? Trust me, we've been scraping by financially for the past six years and rarely have any extras. It is not enjoyable, after spending all my time with my kids, only to hear every weekend "We don't have the money". I'm lucky if he gives me $20 to go out with friends once in a while...Going back soon though, and believe it or not, looking forward to it..You sound like a great mom to me, really...Please stop doing this to yourself..Oh, and by the way, moving out and having their own lives is what you should want for your kids...Of course they will keep in touch, for god's sake, by then you will be enjoying your own life as well, and doing things you couldn't do for so long..Take care..

I agree with those who said that you just have to choose not to feel guilty. I feel guilty for a million things but at the end of the day which of those things are worth feeling guilty about? Is my kid happy and healthy and loved? Did I do the best I could do that day? As long as the answer is yes I can sleep comfortably.

My guess is this is mostly your hormones talking. You don't even want to know the things running through my head for the first 6 months or more of my daughter's life. I was a train wreck and definitely had the baby blues bordering on post partum (that my husband and dr kept a close eye on). If a friend said the same things to you what advice would you have for your friend? OK, now take your own advice!

Just breathe. Your little guy is fine and you are a great mom ( you know this because you're worrying!). He'll be just fine and so will you. Give yourself a break!