How Do You Get past "Mommy Guilt"?

hi S.,
I really don't know the answer to the getting past mommy guilt. I have 3 girls and they still play the string on my heart. I feel like I'm always feeling guilty for everything. Especially when they want something so badly or want to do something so badly, I just have to bite and remember I'm doing certain things or saying no for a certain reason and in time they will understand. My 2 older ones are finally realizing that I have a good cause to my madness. (They are 12yrs. and 10yrs.) my youngest is just learning, but she needs to learn that not everything is good and not everything she can have. It really is hard, really. Good Luck!

As far as the Mommy Guilt, I dated a guy in college who was uncircumsized. He was extremely self-conscience. It has a higher propensity for yeast infections and other hygiene issues. His football teammates referred to him as "pull-back." I understand that social concerns do not outweigh health concerns but they do have impact. My son is circumsized.

First of all, I would do a little bit more research. It is much higher than 50%! We did a lot of research when I was pregnant with my son. The health aspect is a huge deal!! Men who are not circumsized usually have ongoing problems and infections!! I had a friend who was not circumsized and he hated his parents for making him a "freak", in his terms, not mine. He said that in school locker rooms he was constantly teased, because every single other boy was circumsized. He ended up having a circumsision when he was 27 because girls teased him too! I think you did the right thing in hte long run!

First and foremost......remind yourself that NO ONE is perfect. EVERYONE learns from mistakes. If you thought things through, did your homework (in some cases) and made a good sound decision based on FACT NOT EMOTION..then STOP IT!!

As far as the circumcision goes.....I DO NOT THINK YOU MADE A MISTAKE! If you read the book NONE OF THESE DISEASES, you'll understand WHY! I think parents have gotten away from it because they don't want to hurt the child. Kind of like not wanting them to dislike you because you want to be more a best friend than a parent.......STOP IT! Parenting IS NOT always comfortable. You cannot shield your child from all harm and evil. PREPARE YOURSELF, PREPARE THEM to deal with things that come along it life and realize you'll be doing EVERYONE a favor!

In the long run, as far as the circumcision, you set yourself up for more disease and problems the older you get by NOT doing it! READ THIS BOOK! It's based on medical facts and Biblical truths and guidelines. It will help you see things differently and you won't have so much guilt about doing it. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. HOWEVER.....obviously, the doc may not done such a good job. Can the problem be "corrected" by a doctor?

I get over the mommy guilt because I KNOW and am CONFIDENT that the decisions I make (even if they make my child upset or cry) are decisions that will ultimately help him to become a responsible, contributing, resilient, and most importantly independently functioning member of society.

People who can't stand the guilt and end up trying to fix every single little problem that arises in their child's life actually hamper their child's growth and development. They don't need to learn how to do anything on their own because mommy always does it for them. Don't want to go to sleep at night? Scream and cry because mommy will come running and appease their whims. Don't want to clean up their own toys? Throw them and a tantrum because they know mommy will eventually give up, give in, and do it herself. Don't want to have to deal with a teacher at preschool or kindergarten? Come home and cry, complaining that the teacher hates them so mommy will pull them out of school, get them a transfer to another class, or just let them stay home anyway. Don't want to do homework? That's okay, complain enough and mommy will do it anyway.

Being a parent is very tough and emotionally gut-wrenching, but on our role as parents we are to guide our children in healthy decision-making and teaching them right and wrong. Sometimes we have to let them fail. We learn from our failures and mistakes and learn how to bounce back so that hopefully we don't make these mistakes again.

Honey, you need a reality check. It's not your fault that the doctor thought you needed a c-section. Birth by c-section is not a failed birth experience. You have a healthy baby. Ok, you got your son circumcised. So did I. So do lots of people in the US. If it was botched tell the pediatrician and ask what you can do for him. Finally, with discipline. You're human. We all make mistakes and we all, at one time, have been angry when we did it. As long as you are not abusing your child, forgive yourself. If you can't forgive yourself, get some therapy. Nothing wrong with that either.

C.

I know you have received a ton of responses, but I am going to add my 2 cents. The mommy guilt is tough, most of us have it over something but the key is how you deal with it. Just realize you did the best for your kids, given the information you had a that time, then move on and be thre great mother that you already are.
As for the circ., way to go, on reconsidering it the second time. It is a medically unnecessary step and you sound very well informed. I am tired of hearing about the pain that older men go through when the choose or have the rare medical need for this later in life... newborns feel pain just as much as an adult. Just because they can't talk, people think it is better to do it then...I wholeheartedly disagree. For the record I have one son, uncircumcised and it is not difficult to clean or care for at all, and I rest easy at night knowing that he has all his parts.
How I handle his tamtrums somtimes gives me mommy guilt:)

Wow, I didn't read your responses, but I'm sorry for you that everyone was so off-topic. I can relate to your issue. We had our son circumcised, first because my husband is and I felt it was appropriate for him to make the decision since he had the experience, but also because I was under the impression, like you, that he would be an oddball in the locker room if he wasn't. Now that I've seen friends and strangers change their sons' diapers (not that I look, mind you!) I know that that's just not the case anymore. I felt horribly guilty once I realized what a circumcision actually was, and what it entailed. I did not educate myself beforehand. I even brought it up with my mother and aunt, and found out (too late) that NO BOYS in my own family are circumcised! My grandfather was the firstborn American in his family, the rest having come from Europe, so he was not circumcised, nor were his 6 brothers. Neither was my uncle and neither was my cousin. I felt like I should have been made privy to this information before I decided to change the trend.

Anyway, when I got pregnant with our second child, I told my husband that if it was a boy, I was really going to have a hard time with the decision - I wouldn't want our children to be "different" from one another, but I also wouldn't want to make the same decision, knowing what I know now. I just didn't feel good about it. Luckily, we had a girl!

After having our son, I read a book called "It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons"

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Boy-Women-Writers-Raising/dp/15...

Among other wonderful essays, there is one entitled "Making the Cut". It is very well written and it states, simply, both sides of the issue. It helped me come to terms with my decision. You should check it out - it offers some good perspectives.

You sound like a very loving mother - don't beat yourself up for this. I think you did what you believed to be right, so in the end it was the right thing to do.

Dear S.,
You doing the best thing by reading ahead of time. Your guilt will subside as they grow older. I think that what you are doing is great as far as what I read in "a little about me." While you are researching, I would also research about vaccinating you children. Read the book, How to Raise a Healthy Child in spite of your doctor. This is a very good resource book and will take out some of the mommy guilt because you are being a well informed parent. L. J

Just a note about the circumcision . . . I feel the same way! I have 3 boys and did it to all of them! (my Dad told me not to - I thought he was crazy - that "everyone" did it) I regret it - but can't change it. . . . the crazy part is. . I had to fight with my Insurance company to Pay for it for my last one! They said it wasn't "medically necessary!" Ughhh -that really made me feel bad!
I'm not changing their diaper's anymore so I think of it much less! ;-)

I think feeling guilty over something like that or anything you can't change, is a personal trait. Some people it bugs them for a while, other's find it easy to let it slide. For me I find it easy to move on when it comes to things I have no control over. My husband takes longer, when he sees something "wrong" and he can't "fix it" it bugs him for a while.

I do know how you feel though. My daughter was playing in a cardboard box that suddenly tipped over and caused her to hit her head and bust it open, it's healed now, but there is a scar. Every now and then I feel "guilty" when I see it, mostly because she's so precious to me and I'm really vain when it comes to her (personal self-esteem issues growing up) and now there this ugly scar on her. I also know it hurt her and I feel bad that I failed her, it's my job to keep her safe and in that moment I didn't do my job . However, I can't change it, I can't undo it, so I move on and focus on the good things I have done for her and the beautiful things about her, I don't dwell on the scar.

Perhaps that can work for you, focus on the choices you made that you are proud of. The things that will help your boys grow to be men of substance and character. In truth you only made an ill informed decision, not really a bad one. Circumsized or not really won't effect who they grow into. The "bad" is on the head of the doctor who botched things up. That's who I think you should focus on being upset with, not yourself.

I know this is a bit long, but I hope it helps.

S.,
I'm a first-time mom and I often get the mommy guilt over everything and anything. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. When you get down about a decision you've made or something you've done, accept that you are human and that you have and will continue to make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. If you can't do this for yourself, think about what you're teaching your babies by harboring that guilt. It does NOTHING to help you or your babies. Think of the worst case scenario with the circumcision--maybe your son is really angry with you when he's older. Be honest and tell him that it is okay to be angry, that you're sorry that it happened, that he deserves the best in life, and that you LOVE him and would do anything for him (as is obvious by all the wonderful choices you've made for him and his brother). You really need to be easier on yourself and be proud of the wonderful things you're doing as mentioned in your "A little about me" profile. Wow! That is a lot of positive work you're doing. One thing other thing, you might begin caring for yourself as you do for your children. If one of your boys felt this way, what would you tell them? You wouldn't want them to feel constant guilt. Maybe you can write yourself a letter as mother to yourself (if that makes sense) explaining why you should be easier on yourself.

Ah, I should practice what I preach! :)
Good luck and be gentle on your wonderful, giving, loving, nurturing self.

Guilt is just part of being human. Mommy guilt strikes closer to the heart, but I'm sure you also feel guilty about things that happened throughout your life. The girl you slighted in high school to fit in with someone else; the guy in college that asked you out, but you said you were "busy" just because he had a zit; not telling your parents about the night you snuck out after curfew...

None of us always do the "right" thing. Fogive yourself. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. It is what it is. Move on. Believe me, you will have plenty of opportunities to screw up in the future too. And you will always make the best decision you know how to.

Hi S., I think its totally normal to have mommy guilt. Whenever I feel guilty, I tell myself that I'm making the best decisions I can and doing what I think is right at that moment. Based on your description of yourself, it sounds like we have a similar parenting style. We also had our son circumcised. I really left the decision up to my husband. He wanted to have it done because one of his grandfathers was not circumcised and as my husband's grandfather got older, he had to have a nurse come to properly clean him. Was circumcising our son the "right" decision? I don't know but I thought it was at the time. We can only do the best we can do and hopefully we'll get most of it right!

Hi S., The only people who don't feel any guilt at all are sociopaths--so thankfully you are not that! But of course too much guilt is harmful--guilt is a useful emotion IF it helps you to change your behavior, and make amends to those you hurt. Which it sounds like you are doing--you are obviously a loving and consientsous Mom and have made the best decisions with the information you have had. However I would get some more medical opinions to see if anything can be done to correct the botched job on your little boy(there can be a wide variety of responses from different Drs). I agree with another Mom who said that newborns DO feel pain--and we humans DO remember our infancy--both good and bad experiences--things that happen to us before we are verbal we may not be able to consiously remember--but our memories are in our bodies! I know this is not a discussion on the merits of circumsion(and I had all girls!) but I will say that any parent who chooses it for their son--make sure they use at least a local anasethic(sp?). Some Drs assume that newborns do not feel pain and don't use ANYTHING to numb the pain!!!!
As far as discipline--if you feel you have lost your temper and responded too harshly--it is okay to apologize to your child. I have heard parents who think it will weaken their authority to do so to a child--but the opposite is in fact true. Most of us get to the end of our rope sometimes with our kids and then you need to send them to their room and shut the door and put some music on(to not hear their crying)! And when they are old enough to leave in the rest of the house you go to your room! I remember telling my girls sometimes that I needed a time out especally when the younger ones were 11 and 14 and arguing all the time(and shared a room)! Once or twice with each girl I lost my temper--later I apologized for my poor behavior but explained to them that that did not excuse their poor behavior at the time so they still would lose points on their chart or lose priviliges etc depending on the situation--do not let them get away without consequences because you feel guilty or you will pay for it later. All of my girls seemed to actually be more respectful after I apologized to them. Hope this helps--
I know I have done some things wrong as a parent, but I did much more right, so I focus on what I have done right and the bottom line is my girls are all now great adults! Good job on your natural parenting choices btw.

Hi S.,
Wow, you about made me cry. What does your pediatrician say about the redness from the circumcision? Will it eventually heal? If he will not suffer any permanent problems as a result, I think it is something you just need to let go of. Pray about it and turn it over to God. "Accept the things I cannot change", as we say in the serenity prayer in Al-Anon.
We all have guilt over all of these things and more. When I make a mistake, I apologize to my child and then resolve to handle things better in the future. Your children are lucky to have such a loving, conscientious mother. Give yourself a break, breathe deeply, and stop banging yourself over the head. We do the best we can do in our circumstances at the time, and you're doing all the right stuff. Blessings, R.

S.,
Unfortunately I have no advice for the mommy guilt. I am stricken with it on a daily basis.I just so enjoyed your description of yourself I had to reply....you sound so fun! Hang in there, together hopefully we will all survive this wonderful crazy ride of motherhood. Have a great day and try not to succumb to the guilt!!

Your "about me" section could have been written for me too! Except I don't have boys :)

As for the guilt, just try to remember that you did the best you could in the situation you were in, with the knowledge that you had at the time. We can't go back in the past and change the situation, but you can make different choices in the future. You should look forward to those decisions that are coming in the future, and not dwell on those things in the past. I know the guilt (not about circumcision), but about having an "emergency" c-section, that was not so much of an emergency.... then going through a repeast c-section because of being told that no doctor would allow a VBAC in my area. Yes, I'm saddened by it all, but I'm looking forward to having another child in another couple of years, and having a homebirth after 2 c-sections.

Look forward to the future and using your education! :)

Life as a mom is full of live and learn moments! You take the fact that you made the best decision based on information given to you...many first time moms (mistakenly) take what their OB or pediatrician tells them. For example, my girls have chicken pox right now...as Leah cries about how she hates them, you can bet I'm second guessing my decision to NOT vaccinate against it...I feel bad, but...You put them in a crib, you make them cry it out, you circumcise, start solids early/late, car seats etc. the list is endless. All you can do at the end of the day is realize based on what you know right now, you made the best choice you could. As your handsome boy grows, if he chooses to have any surgery to fix any adhesions(which may not be necessary) then you will support him as needed. Boys,like girls, have signifcant changes once they start producing hormones and things like adehesions in boys (and labial adhesions in girls) resolve quite nicely. 10 short years from now, his man business will be wonderful...and we won't want anyone to know:) You are a fantastic momma and just keep making good choices everyday!

I can totally understand mommy guilt. I get it from my 10 m.o. all the time. I've learned that I just have to say that I made the best decision that I could at the time. I don't know anything about circumsicions, my one and only is a girl, but I thought they were fairly common too. I'm sure you already have, but you may want to bring the problems up to your son's pediatrician. I have heard of cases where the circumsicion wasn't done properly the first time and needs to be redone. Just hold onto the fact that you made the best decision you could at the time.

Hi S....
We feel the same way you do! We circ'ed our oldest son and had a horrible experience (we stayed in the room when it was done and it was traumatic for him and us). I felt strongly against it and my husband definitely wanted it done so I finally gave in (which I regret everyday). After it was done, my hubby and I agreed that if we had any more sons they wouldn't be circ'ed, and they're not (we have 2 more little boys). Our oldest son had adhesions, puffiness, redness, etc. just like your son does.

I'm a mom of 4, three & of them homebirths. I am a homebirth & breastfeeding advocate. Tried cloth diapers and just couldn't do it. I am currently in the process of working as a surrogate for a wonderful couple who also prefer homebirth to hospital birth.

We sound alot alike so I'd love to hear from you when you have time. My personal email is ____@____.com a blessed day!
E.

S., have you checked out the website for NOCIRC? They are an amazing source for parents of intact boys, and there are links to groups for people who regret having circumcised their boys, or even grown men who are mad because their parents chose to do it to them, information on studies that have been done promoting circumcision, etc. My son is now 9, and my ob/gyn recommended against it. He said he was only circumcising about 30% of the boys he was delivering, and that the medical differences were really not like the newsmedia would have you think. I spent a great deal of time researching before I made my decision. Alot of people's perception that being non-circumcised is less healthy is due to skewed news reports and misinformation.

Don't beat yourself up for having the procedure on your first son. You didn't know the facts, and you now do. So just take a deep breath and let it go....

We all do what’s right for us at the time with the information we have. Don’t beat yourself up for something you can’t change.

S., honey....let me just say....if you don't think it was done right, then get him in with a pediatrician who can correct any problems.

Secondly, you have to let go of the guilt, girl!!! Trust me, I'm a mom of 5 of it only gets worse if you don't let it go now. I don't know about those figures re: your son being circumcised....my son plays football with about 45 other "guys"...and he has told me about ONE OTHER BOY out of 45 who is NOT circumcised...and how he is embarassed, etc. About how the other boys MAKE FUN of him. (We are talking HS here). I think you make a decision based on the facts you have at that time. You cannot go back on decisions you make so just:

Take a deep breath
Calm down a bit
Make an appt. for your sons' area to be checked if you are concerned
Make an appt. for yourself to talk about your anxieties
Figure out why you have to support "outwardly" every decision you are making re: your kids, and just do it.

Nothing is more irritating than a mom who over-explains every decision she makes and then questions every decision. (Sorry, my best friend of 20 years is the same way! So I'm not trying to be mean, just from experience it's like, "OH MY GOODNESS GIRLFRIEND...please just be happy with the decision you make!"

Let me just say...having both teens and toddlers....you will make MANY MANY more decisions over their time in your home (til 18 or more) that you question...if you question every decision you will drive yourself (and your kids) crazy!

Be happy with your life and move forward past this. :)

P.S. I had 2 vaginal, then a c-section, then 2 v-bac. Youngest of five was in NICU for a month. You have to just go with how God planned it! :)

S., My lil guy had the same problem. I do not think it was done bad I just was not sure how to take care of it since my first was a girl.lol He was a fat boy anyway when I left hospital they said to pull the fold back and clean it and put some gauze like stuff on it with Vaseline in it which was fine BUT I was not pulling it back far enough which was not good b/c it was sort of growing back up. I took him to the Dr 3 times and she NEVER once said I was not pulling it back enough well she did it and OMW he SCREAMED and I was SO MAD I said OMW what are you doing. Needless to say I do NOT go back to her. He was really red and sore so I gave him Tylenol for the pain and I put Resinol on it which worked SO much better. The pediatric I take him to said when he gets the fat gone his fat with be away from the head lol. He has had a couple times of being red BUT do beat yourself up over it he will be ok. I do know you feel bad b/c I did to it will get better just use Resinol on it and he will be happy.

S., are you sure you're not suffering from depression at all? Because it may not be guilt so to speak, but just you being down on yourself. There is a difference. I disagree with the 50% figure you have on circumcisions. I know tons and tons of moms and have only met one who chose to not have her son circumsized. And I'll tell you one thing, I was great friends with a guy who wasn't circumsized and he was totally self conscious about it. He blamed his mother for it, asking her "WHY?" because everyone he knew was, and he wasn't, and he was always mortified by it. Locker rooms were awful for him, girlfriends when he was older....and I'll admit, he showed it to me one time and I thought it was very very odd looking, so I can't blame him. It's not always about what's best now, but it's also about what's best for your child in the future, not just his well being, but also his confidence in himself.

The C section thing is different because if it was an emergency C section, then that wasn't you that said it needed to be done, but rather your doctor who said that.

Look, things happen in life every minute of every day that involve choices. But you can't live in the past or the future if you're going to enjoy your life right now, today. You need to either learn how to live in the moment, or I would sit down with your husband and talk about possibly speaking to your doctor, discussing whether or not she thinks that some medication could help.

S....I would take my son to the doctor if he is not healing properly. As far as circumcising is concerned it is done by most everyone..not just Jewish people...for cleansing purposes. You need to talk to your physician about this also. Why are you feeling guilty? I don't understand.

the guilt part i don't have much advice about .... but as far as his circ goes... my son has had some probles with his due to the ped. who did his circ left too much extra skin. every doc has thier own way of doing it. he had a few adhesions but he is a year old now and it is fine. i was so worried about it and kept asking the doc but she just said keep working on keeping it pulled back with vasaline (every diaper change if needed) and it is finally to the point i think now that it won't restick! good luck it is NO fun. i felt so bad for him and just pray that it turns out okay! haha that sound really wierd but all you moms know what i mean i think!

I am able to "let it go" because I am comfortable with every decision I make when I make it, or I don't make it at all. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for all of us. God knows what will happen every minute of every day. Honestly, I believe that the decisions we make as women and as mothers shape us as human beings. It is how you learn. If you spend your life regretting past decisons or actions, you will never be able to move forward. It is funny that you used the emergency c-Section as an example. I had my first child this way after laboring for 27 hours. I never once felt guilty for that because I knew that I did everything in my power, but God had a different plan for me. I had my next two kids via planned C-Section, for what some would say were selfish reasons. I did not want to go through labor again, only to take the chance of another emergency. Not worth it to me. So I scheduled the birth of my kids. That is what God had in store for me. If he had wanted me to deliver naturally, then it would have happened the first time. I don't mean to sound like a bible thumper, but this is something that I have always felt strongly about. Hope that makes sense to you.

You made the best decision you could make at the time. Sometimes the "right" decision is right because you are at peace with it. There is a lot of information out now that says the circumcision is unnecessary. So do doctors and nurses have their kids circumcised? More often than not, yes. I had a conversation with one cardiac doctor who told me that not being circumcised required daily cleaning, and he found that his heart patients had a lot of problems with it, and so his child was circumcised. Another one checked the research, decided not to circumcise, and had so many problems that the child was circumcised at one year, which was totally traumatic. His second child was circumcised at birth. It does help to prevent disease--which is why it is being recommended now in Africa to help stem the infections from AIDS. I heard that years ago when an aircraft carrier was going to the mediteranean from the east coast that a lot of the sailors chose that time on board to get circumcised!!

I'm in the medical field. You can't believe the men that have problems from not being circumsised when they get in their 60's and 70's. I evven had one man who had to be circumsised when he was 92. He was in so much pain.

Hello S., My mother didnt have my brother circmsized and he had to have it done at age 26! If your son is having problems I would have it done sooner than later. the longer you wait the more painful it is for him. Just a thought.