I Stupid People Need More Love Syndrome

I just went to visit my grandsons, it was a 5 hour drive. when we got home we said "no wonder we only go once a year"... the drive is killer when you are older.

OK. I'm in my 60's. I have grandchildren. My daughter gets more attention because she calls me, returns my calls, invites me to join her, checks in with me on holidays and such. I do more with her (even when she lives further away. However, I flew. Hate, hate, hate long drives. Hate that they moved so far away from home. The person that moves away should kind of be prepared to help pay for their parents to fly there if the parents can't afford it I think.

My son doesn't return calls, stay in touch, etc. but it is better now that he has a child. He gets involved if I'm really ill or if they need a sitter. So, is it because my daughter needs more help than he? No. It's because she's in touch more and cares about having a closer relationship. I'd love to have that with my son too. His wife is close to her family and he goes along with that. I don't feel jealous. I just know how boys are but I have expressed my desires a few times and how I feel at not getting return calls back (as infrequent as they are). He lives nearby.

So, buy invite them, offer to buy them flight tickets. Encourage your husband to call them just to catch up more often. And when they do visit, do you have a room for them to stay in? Admittedly, I helped my daughter afford a 2 bedroom apartrment so there would be a room and not just a couch or air mattress for me to sleep on. I don't get to sleep easily in the first place.

Nice that you want a relationship. Even if your husband doesn't call to talk much, you can. It would certainly strengthen the desire to visit don't you think?

Yeah the drive thing? I bet it's real. There's a big difference between a 2-hour drive and a 5+-hour drive. My older sister lives in NY and we're in eastern MA and my parents have visited her maybe 5 times in 10 years, twice since her daughter was born (she is now 2.5). I don't blame them, I have visited her once in 10 years. You can't drive 11 hours in one day, and an overnight stay is such a pain. The way my parents see it, she's the one who chose to move away so the onus is on her to visit them.

Wait until you're in your 60's and see how much you look forward to am 11 hour round trip drive. I think you're expecting way too much from them and need to change your expectations to avoid becoming angry and disappointed. Perhaps you can send them a camera and teach them how to Skype. My parents do that with both of my out of state sisters and we do it with my in-laws.

Yep. Same with my MIL. Lavishes love and attention and money and favours on the rest of the family because they have addictions, can't keep jobs, make stupid life decisions, blah, blah, blah. It bugs me, but I've decided to let it slide, carry on with my family, and get as much love and attention from my children's other grandma for them. MIL is always welcome to spend time, if she so chooses. And by the way, I don't consider being in your 60s particularly old, or incapacitating.

Invite them.

And folks in their early 60s are in no way to old to drive 5.5 hours. My 70+ yo parents drive much farther than that all the time.

Perhaps it is perspective but it takes an hour or more to navigate from one end of my city to another. As such a two hour trip is local to me. Five and a half hours is a trip that requires a place to stay, blah blah blah. Huge!! difference.

My fiancée's family lives three hours from here. I don't expect a lot of visits from them either. I guess the thing is that their home is home. Their son moved away, everyone not living there moved away. We come home, ya know?

My grandparents lived in Florida, as children we saw then once a year when we drove down there as a family. Some years they came up here until they were too old to make the trip. I loved them just as much as my grandparents that lived here.

I guess to me the children make the trip home not the other way around. This is not an issue of the sister being stupid or needy, she just lives close enough to get more attention.

5.5 hours is a killer long drive for some people. so much harder than 2 hours. rather than doing something stupid, how about expressing to them how much you would love a visit? do you have room for them in your home, or would they be more comfy in a hotel? can you help them out with travel expenses if they need it?
it's lovely that you want a closer relationship with them. but forget what goes on with their daughter. it's not really the issue. she's their daughter and they love her and she lives closer, there's really no need to ascribe nefarious motives there. just let them know you care, and brainstorm to make it happen.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Sorry but there's a big difference between a two hour dive and a five and a half one, especially the older you get.
How close is your husband to his parents? Maybe they don't feel they "need" to visit your family as often because you're doing so well.
If you honestly feel this way I would call and have a heart to heart with your mother in law. I say YOU should call because it doesn't seem to bother your husband as much as it does you.
Leave the sibling drama out of it and focus on what YOU and your family's desires are, hopefully the in laws will be able to come for a visit soon :)

hehe...that's funny (but not really). I bet it's the drive. It's a 10-hour roundtrip drive for them, whereas it's only a 4-hour roundtrip for the other daughter. My mom lives about 5-6 hours away and I'm not sure we're going to get to see her very often unless we go down there to visit. But with so many little ones (and one that is car sick SO easily), it's not something that is easy for us either. We've settled on the fact that we'll probably only see her once or twice a year. I don't think it's her favoring my sisters that live by her...it's just harder at her age.

Now...my MIL lives thirty minutes away. The last time we saw her was about eleven months ago after my baby was born. She doesn't ever make time to visit. But she's flown to Germany and to another state to go visit her other son twice within that amount of time. That's a bit annoying. But she's a drama queen and very difficult to be around, so in the end, it's ideal, but it's still frustrating to feel like we're of no importance to her.

Have you considered emailing/writing a letter and tell them how you've noticed you guys don't get together very often and wondered if they'd be interested in working something out with you guys so you get more visits in since you LOVE htem so much:-) Just write a really sweet, simple letter letting them know you'd love to see them more often. If they are sane people, they should respond well. If they are not, then you're probably right that they are avoiding you...hehe.

OMG! This could be ME writing this letter. I am the one who moved away from family and out of state (about 5.5-6 hr drive away). My parents come to visit in April for my daughter's birthday and in May for her dance recital--then we don't see them again all year. Maybe in Sept we'll drive up to Eau Claire and meet them halfway (about a 2.5 hr trip for both of us; they live on the west side of the Twin Cities). For our part, we go home (to my parents) at Xmas/New Year's.

It used to bug the hell out of me, too. But at least they come; my sister and her family and my brother and his family don't come visit at all. They came when my daughter was baptized. I'm assuming if they come when she graduates high school and later when she gets married, we'll have scored a victory.

Since I've moved away, my sister (the youngest, spoiled rotten, queen diva, lives way above her means) has worked on my parents to the point where she and her family are the only ones my parents are really interested in. They get the best presents, they get extra money on the side (I know this for a fact), and my parents make sure they are there for everything my neice is doing--even if they have to cancel/not come to something my daughter has going on.

I have come to the conclusion that the dynamics have changed in the house/family unit and there's not a whole hill of beans that I'm going to do to change that. I married a guy from a different state and we made our life in another state; I'm the only one to have ever moved away from home (to include college; my college was 2.5-3 hrs away). My sister lives in the same town as my parents, and my brother within five miles. As far as I'm concerned, I have the richer life; anyone who's been "out in the world" is going to have a vast amount of experience compared to someone who never "left home," so to say. At least your world view has been greatly expanded.

So. We're left to be the ones who "need to go home more often" if we want to see everyone--or decide we have our own life. We've decided we have our own life. We get home to visit when we can/it suits our schedule. After all, no one's tripping over their feet to come and see us (my sister and family even went to Chicago for a long weekend, came within minutes of our house--and they never even called to see if maybe we wanted to go to supper with them).

As my husband says--if your sister lived across the street, would you be friends with her? Uh, not to sound very negative, but no. She's not anything like me, and I don't like fake/phony yuppies.

My parents, on the other hand, I would like to see more often. I wish I had the time and the money (for gas) that that was possible. Now that my daughter is older, I do try to get home for a visit in the summer, if there's something going on that makes the drive worthwhile. We've been living here for 13 years now; we're comfortable with taking care of ourselves and leading our own lives. And I completely understand the statement that the long drive is hard on people. It's just as debilitating for us (and I have adrenal fatigue) as it is for my parents to make that long drive. So we just don't see each other as often as we'd like.

It's a good thing my husband and I can rely on each other and we are able to manage our lives without living off my parents. That, more than anything, upsets me even more than not seeing my parents more often.

We used to practice the flip of this drive...as we look after both sets of parents.

My in-laws were about 40 minutes away...so to drive there, take them on their errands, eat, drive home...took more than 1/2 a day. Ugh....

My mom's was 4.5 hours away and it was just too far for spontaneity, required a lot more planning, we are tired and hungry when we arrive...that trip took place only around holiday's.

I love the title too...happens in my family all the time. The responsible children (married with children, working hard to make ends meet and sometimes barely making it, but just keeping up doing the right and responsible thing) don't get any help or assistance from the grandparents. But the ones who keep making the horrible/stupid mistakes are helped out/made over/picked up again and again and bailed out in the tune of thousands and thousands of dollars.

Sometimes I think if we were more irresponsible maybe we could get some help. But really my husband and I are just can't do it...well, maybe truly an unforeseen event.

Call and plan a weekend for them to come and visit...see if you can get them to commit and actually show up. If you can't get them to commit then at least you tried.

My husband and I are in our 60's...and we are grandparents...our older grandchildren live in Texas....about a 12 hour drive...so 2 days for us each way because we just don't drive those long distances anymore. We go to see that breanch of the family once a year...and they normally come here once a year.
Our closest daughter and grandson are 70 miles away....we see each other about once a month...one or the other of us making the trip.
The other daughter and youngest grandson live in Florida....21 hours away...a LONG drive!!! We got here once a year and we pay to fly them back here a couple of times a year
I wonder if they would be willing to fly to visit...that way they wouldnt have to drive....possibly you could have them stay there at your home so they wouldnt have to pay for hotel rooms and meals. Let them come and spend a week...really enjoy your time together!!!
Or...may you all could meet somewhere in the middle...find some reasonable rooms to rent....a lot of places provide a continental breakfast...you could have sandwiches and chips for lunch and then find a reasonable place to eat dinner.
You can make this work if you want to...get in contact with your inlaws...tell them how important it is to you for your children to have a relationship with their grandparents...tell them you know it is a hardship to have them do all of the driving and see if you all can't come up with a solution!!!

There is a saying "A daughter is a daughter all through her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife" It shouldn't be that way but a lot of times it is.

Know that your children are loved just as much by their grandparents as your sister in law's children. Your husband is loved just as much by his parents as his sisters are... some you just know better. My youngest lived in the same town and I was able to be there for everything from pregnancy and birth to watching my granddaughter daily. My oldest has a wife that they do more with her family then ours and we don't see his children near as often. My son was feeling slighted and we were able to explain things to him, telling him we would love to have his children just as often as we have our other granddaughter. I see them more often now and love every minute of it.

If your in laws have a computer, perhaps you all can talk on Skype or messenger with a video cam. There is a lot of ways to keep the grandchildren close to their grandparents when you don't get to see them often. Written letters are always special both to grandparents and grandchildren. My grandmother kept all my letters and I even have a few that my great grandmother wrote to me and I wrote to her.

I think I have a different perspective bc I never really knew my grandparents. Died when I was very young or lived in another country. And I did fine. Sure it would have been nice I guess but it hasn't been a bit deal in my life at all and I think it's more the grandparents' loss if they don't make the effort. We have the same situation with my MIL and my husband's incapable siblings and I let it go now. It's really her loss. And I always figure what goes around comes around. Maybe I won't worry about being super attentive if she needs help or wants a visit... You likely are mad at the inequity of it all and I feel that way at times too - particularly bc my husband has his mom on a pedestal while she can't even find time to call on Christmas when she's with his siblings. And yes, we can call but we do every year so last year he didn't I think almost as a test. He'd had a somewhat serious illness diagnosed and they weren't attentive at all. So you're not the only one in the situation and it's just not worth spending your time thinking about. Hopefully your parents are involved and they'll always be your son's favorites and he will be perfectly fine.

This is a tough one. My parents live 2 hours away and have yet to see their newest grandson, who is now 6 months. It really bothers my husband and me. I have begged for them to come and even offered to pay for train tickets. So, when the baby gets a little older, we will just have to go to them, like we always have. And my parents are very able bodied and in their early 60's - they have just always been this way.

Best advice I can give is to have your husband have a heart to heart with them about it. Or, you go to visit them. I know traveling with the kids is not ideal, but look at it as a getaway and advantageous for your kids to know their grandparents.

Do you invite them to visit w/ specific dates? (great title, btw)

If you send them a note be VERY professional in your wording...no drama...very nice about it. Actually, maybe you could write it but consider having your husband send it as his own since they are his parents. It could also be that your husband's mom feels closer to her daughter than to her son. My MIL is like this. She has even said to me that she has a closer bond to her daughter than to her 2 sons. She visits her daughter MUCH MUCH more often and takes care of her daughter's two sons more often than our children. It used to make me jealous...but whatever, now I'm used to it and expect it. (And yes, her daughter has many problems in her life compared to us)

Send them a note expressing exactly how you feel. If you are the independent siblings, quite likely they think you don't "need" them and they don't have to "worry" about you guys and that you are doing "better" without them.

The other sister is just convenient, draws attention and has more kids, so they feel obligated all the time to be there. I know how you feel.

The best way is to voice that to your parents.