How Frequently Does Your Family Speak To/ See the Grandparents?

Such a hard issue. My inlaws of 20 min away, see my kids 2-3x a week and tell us it's not enough, so I occasionally send them to sleep over but I want them to see my DH on weekends, so it is not always idea. I try to be grateful for their help/involvement. My parents are 90 min away and much busier people, we see them 1-2x month and they don't know every detail of my kids lives and that is ok w them.

My parents pick up DS from school or day camp and hold onto him until we get home from work 5 days a week. Apart from that, we have a sunday BBQ, a day at the beach, a concert, or some other outing probably once a month.

Hubs family lives abroad. We skype his mother about once a month, and see her once a year. We see his father every two years or so.

Best,
F. B.

My Mom lives several states away (it's a 13 hr drive).
We talk on the phone weekly and we go to visit her for a week (we stay in a hotel) every summer.

when my boys were small, we visited the grandparents (each set) at least once a month. our parents all lived about 2 hours away. sometimes they'd come to us. and we tried to make sure the boys (solo and chorus) got opportunities for one-on-one weekends with their grands.
my in-laws were more relaxed and warm. my parents had weird house rules, but also planned more adventures. it was a good mix.
for us, that was really good. like you, i don't want family up in my grill all the time, but it was (and is) very important to the dh and i to make sure our kids were raised in the bosom of our large family networks and to feel connected.
now i see my in-laws every week, mostly, as they've moved nearby to live with my SIL. my dad is still a couple of hours away during the summer. in the winter he lives at his gf's place in CA. honestly, i heave a big sigh of relief when they head west. i love him, but the whole situation is very weird and difficult.
khairete
S.

In our home when I grew up there were six living children. Grandma visited all the time with one of our great-aunts. We saw her nights (she didn't live far) and weekends at church or she came to our house. This was my mother's mother.My father's mother who also lived not far was very disliked by my mother. So my father had to sort of sneak us to her house to visit. I thought she was wonderful and a great musician to boot! What a shame- I feel as though I were robbed of that relationship. When I grew older my mother had apparently ran past her expiration date for wanting to be with children and remarried a man also with six kids. We were all grown up. They were having fun free of children. They didn't really care much about the grandchildren. They had done their jobs and were moving on. So my children didn't have many visits from grandparents and they didn't want to be visited-to busy socializing, our visits were usually at my instigation and if I arrranged it ahead of time to fit them into their schedule. So they probably came to a ball game once a year (they lived a couple of minutes away in recent years) and a birthday. They sadly are both now in assisted living and living on every visit one makes to them. I wish I could tell every grandparent out there that they should sit and share more meals with their children and grandchildren.That they could help make a cake or chop a carrot with a little one.Life is so short. I do not know why you feel your MIL is needy, or pushy, if it comes time for my sons to have children I hope to be there for so many precious moments. And my husband would envy you, his mother lives so far away and it is so costly to visit, we can only reach out and find substitutes for those we wish to have been loved by.
Perhaps you can look at her with different eyes now. Or maybe not. I really don't know your situation and much like don't have a burning desire to see some people for whatever reason you may have a very valid one.I would love to know more.

I guess I feel like I am somewhat of a unique position to perhaps understand both sides. I still have 4 children living at home, but I also have a granddaughter who is nearly 2 - so I am a mom (we all are, but I am still a full time mom) who is also a grandmother. This happens when you have 6 kids spread across a number of years :)

I see my granddaughter almost every day - my daughter lives about 5 blocks away. I also see my own mother almost every day, so my kids see their grandmother nearly every day as well. If I didn't see my granddaughter this much, I might feel, well, "needy/pushy" about spending time with her, and my daughter. I would probably feel that even more if I had no kids living at home and was an empty nester.

However, as a mom, whose own mom stops by to "visit" nearly every night, I appreciate where you might feel that bit of constant intrusion :)

At a minimum, please look at how your MIL might feel and what is driving her needy/pushy behavior. I know you are busy, and sometimes it is tough to fit everyone's needs in, but someday you might be in her shoes . . .

Good luck!

every family is different, even grandparents within the same family can be different. We see my mom, grandparents, etc, several times per week between childcare, church, birthdays, etc. We get along great, they are good influences on my son, that's just how we do it. My son's other grandparents are out of state so maybe once-twice per year. They are not so great at the role model thing, and honestly we're ok with not seeing them so much. So it depends. It also depends on whether the spouses are on the same page, how the kids feel, travelling distance, etc. Lots of factors. what is "appropriate" isn't one-size-fits-all.

We are about 1 hour away from both grandparents. We see my mom and dad about one to two times a month, and I'll talk to my mom about once a week. My parents are not well enough to make the trip to see us; however, my MIL is. We see my MIL about 2-3 times a month, sometimes more. Is there a way you can use your MIL to your advantage? My MIL will call to come see the kids, and in the beginning we would tell her to come on a Friday evening or Saturday afternoon and spend the night. After the kids went to sleep, my husband and I would go on a date night. After the third or forth time, she now calls and asks us if we want a date night, which is her way of asking to see the kids. It's win-win for everyone. She gets to see the kids, which is what she really wants, she spends a little time with us, and my husband and I get a date night. Now that the kids are older, we are able to do day dates, or at least go out when the kids are still awake.

My sister & I come from a very small family. Each of our parents had just one brother. We are all very close. So for us, it's just not the grandparents...but also the aunts/uncles & cousins. We gather thru-out the year & love being together.

My sister & I were blessed to live across the street from our grparents. We also had 2 gr-gpas within 2 blocks of our home. This closeness set the stage for how we raised our own kids...& we've never had to encourage communication between the generations. It is just simply 2nd nature for all of us to be close! & I LOVE that my sons consider this a Blessing. :)

Perfect example: my sons are 19 & almost 28. They just spent the weekend in St Louis to attend The Muny (outdoor theater) with my Mom & their fav cousin. A little bit of shopping & dinner out...& they spent the night at my sister's house. AND this upcoming weekend, Mom & I are taking the 2 19yos to Branson/Silver Dollar City for the weekend. We travel & do weekends together a lot! & it makes all of us happy. :)

By contrast, my ILs gather for Christmas & that's about it....unless there's a special event. It saddens me that my younger son doesn't really know the family. But it's their loss, because even my MIL spent her holidays with us. We all considered that a true blessing...we loved having her with us.

I talk with my Mom almost daily. Prior to my Granny's death, Mom talked to her daily. Mom sees her brother daily. I talk to my Sister a couple times each week. My son who lives 15 minutes away....hmm, he calls/texts regularly. Tonight he dropped in for the dinner his brother was preparing.
& before my Dad died, we talked a couple times each week....still miss those calls.

With my parents, I speak to them on a daily basis. My dad and I work for the same company and my hubby and I chose to move 2 miles away from them about 1.5 years ago. So usually I see them Fri-Sunday and more often than not, a few times a week in passing (last minute dinner invite, to pick up my kids, stop by for a cup of coffee). I talk to my mom usually 3-5x a day - no kidding!! My kids see/spend alone time with their grandparents at least 1x every other week (usually more like 1x a week).

My in-laws live about 35-40 minutes away and work opposite schedules and still have two girls living at home. That being said, we see them at all major holidays and usually every 2-3 months to celebrate family birthdays (hubby has a huge family). We see them more if we invite them over or ask them to babysit (which his mom almost never turns down). Some months it's more - like in the past month I will have seen them 3-4x but usually it's less.

I am happy with how much time we see each family. With the kids in sports and hubby and I worked opposite schedules I'm not sure we could really fit seeing them (or anyone) into our schedule any more than we already do!!

Hubby and I grew up military brats so it was important for us to stay close and be able to raise our children close to their aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents. We are very fortunate that my mother is retired and wants to volunteer her time at their school and brings them home 1-2x a week after school. She always goes out of her way to take them somewhere, have a special day planned for each of them, make cookies, etc with them. She really is all about making lots of memories with them!!

Both sets of parents are very cordial about calling and letting us know when they plan on stopping by - even the ones who live super close. There has been a time or two that they stop by unexpectedly but we also do the same with them. We're very lucky in all aspects with both families!

My parents live about 40 minutes away. Generally speaking I talk to my mom on the phone once a week and we see them an average of once a month. Sometimes more (twice each in May and June due to birthdays and holidays) and very rarely, less (terrible weather, busy schedules, people sick).

My in-laws live in Florida September - May and an hour away June-August. They take our younger boys on an outing once a week when they're local, we'll see them every few weeks when they're here and then we see them when the visit over the other seasons, usually once or twice per visit every 6-8 weeks. Not sure how often my husband talks to his dad but during the summer we e-mail and text frequently on their logistics.

Both sets of grandparents live in a different state. We see them about 4 times a year. We visit them. They visit us. Sometimes we meet up somewhere. We talk to my husband's parents on the phone once a week. I usually talk to my mom twice a week. She is alone and lonely at times, so I like to check up on her.

My Korean in-laws never, NEVER, made an attempt to see their only grandchildren, unless it was for holiday's and birthdays and we did all the driving and coordinating and paying for meals. It's now devolved to a point where I don't think she ever thinks of them, we moved far away and she has never once called or sent a note. So nothing and never from her, the FIL passed away last year and he was the one who sent birthday cards. (note: we have been down to AZ 6 times in the last year to visit...so we are not neglectful in the least)

My own parents: I'm completely estranged from my very abusive father as of 3 years ago. My mom stays current through FB and enjoys seeing videos / pics of the kids, but I don't upload that much and she always ask about them and their interests but she has never called, or sent a card or any gift....she cruises all over the world, but would never go out of her way to see a grandchild.

So, to answer your question - never.

We hardly ever see my in laws because they live 4 1/2 hours away. We try to have my dad and his wife over every Sunday. My mom died of Alzheimer's five years ago and that really drives home how limited your time with your parents really is.

I am lucky though, two of my kids live on their own now but will always come home for food so I get to see them and my dad. Win win

I have been too busy the past two weeks to have everyone over. I am predicting that if I don't call my dad by Saturday he will invite himself over. :) I don't mind really and find his predictability amusing.

We see my parents at least once a week, and often 2-3 times per week. They live a half mile from us and my kids absolutely love spending time with them. They usually see them for an afternoon, once in awhile staying for dinner. It's great. Usually they just take the kids, but sometimes we all do something together. They also come to most of my son's soccer and baseball games, some swim meets,and will start coming to my daughter's games now that she's old enough to play.

We see my in-laws about once every two weeks. They also come to many of the sporting events. They like to take the kids overnight and will usually have them from saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. Sometimes we all have dinner together and we're all taking a family vacation this year (brother in laws family too). They live about 15-20 minutes from us.

We are very fortunate to have good relationships with all of them. The kids are so happy to see them every chance they get. While there wll always be little things that bug me, I'm able to overlook it all because they do so much for us and they are so great with the kids (and always willing to see them).

I see my mom several times a year. She is close with my kids because she makes an effort to stay involved. She puts thought into everything she does and she will come stay for extended visits. She bonds with each one individually.

My in-laws live nearby. My husband is not close with them. Wasn't when I met him. He tolerates his mother who is a bit hard on the head. She sounds a bit like yours - mine is very needy. I'm not sure she'd ever see us enough :) When we are leaving after a long visit, it's always "Don't stay away again so long.." ...

In my case, my MIL lives only 5 minutes away and my husband is VERY close to her ... which has meant, our son is very close to her.. He was also close to his grandfather who passed away about 10 years ago.. From grades Kinder to about 2nd, his grandmother picked him up at school almost every day and now, although he is in HS.. and she can't do as such, he calls he every single morning and says hello, again in the afternoon and also to say goodnight.. Additionally, he sees her quite a few times a week..
It has its pros and cons but I have learned to live with it..
To be perfectly honest, especially early on, There were times when I felt like hey, she had her chance to raise a child, this is my time, butt out.. and other times and for the most part that I felt that it's been a great thing for her to be so prominent in my son's life. I will say it's because of her that he learned about the old country, relatives, Italian culture and so much more..There are certain things that kids just can't get from parents... I would suggest this, if your children truly love being around your mil and if you can accommodate it, then allow them...There will come a time when grandma is gone... it's a relationship that should be cherished, even if mil is a pain in the neck sometimes :)

If you live in the same town then all the time. They go to sports activities, recitals, performances, and come over and we take the kids over there for an evening out.

They won't be alive too many more years and the kids deserve to know them. I appreciate them in the kids lives. I would rather have them active and participating than not bothering to even call them or spend time with them.

as a child i saw my grandparents on my dads side every week if not more often. on my moms side it was once a month since they lived an hour away.
now my kids go to grandmas (mils) every monday so i can grocery shop and not fight them. they get to see my parents about once a month when dh and i take a saturday out or if me or the kids have a dr appt.
none of the grandparents have ever complained about how much they get to see the kids, and all of them understand when we just want family time at home

I think that there is no standard definition of sufficient or appropriate.
I know people who talk to their parents/inlaws every day, and see them almost that often. I love my parents dearly, but I've always been more of an independent type, so a phone call once a week and a visit once a month or every other month is enough to make meet feel close to them. All these situations - daily, weekly, or monthly contact - are all perfectly appropriate.

As to how much time you spend with your MIL, this is a conversation you need to have with your DH to figure out what you want as a family, and how to meet your MIL in the middle. For example, maybe you don't want to feel like you are hosting her for dinner all the time, but you don't mind if she comes to all the kids' events as a spectator. That way she feels involved and you don't feel like you are always hosting. This is kind-of what I do with MIL, who likes a more hands-on relationship than I grew up with. I always tell her that our door is open and she is welcome to visit us and join into our hectic schedule anytime, so I NEVER withhold the grandkids. But, because we have so much going on, we can't commit to going to their house more than once every other month (they live several hours away).

All of my biological grand parents are dead but I grew up seeing them as frequently as possible. Meaning every weekend we so a grandparent or two and in the summer it was more.

My bio son's maternal grandparents are now both deceased but when they were alive we lived with my mom and visited my father at least three times a month. His paternal grandparents used to visit with him every Sunday but now they see him for holidays and family birthdays because he is in college and has a life outside of me and them. LOL.

My husband's grandmother is still alive and well. She lives very far away from us but we do make it our business to see her every year. She will be celebrating her 91st birthday in August.

My step son's maternal grandparents are local. However he doesn't reach out to them much but does seem to enjoy them when he does see them. Since he is now technically an adult, we leave all of that up to him. His paternal grandmother is alive but lives far from us. She did come up for his highschool graduation in June.

If your children are still too young to travel on their own, it may be easier for you to just drop them off with her or have her come over to your house while you get yourself some free time. Now that both of my parents are dead, I realize even more now just how precious life is.

Your MIL may be needy or even seem needy to you but put yourself in her shoes, she knows just how fleeting life is and the fact that she probably has more days behind her than ahead of her. She just wants to spend time with her grandchildren. Is that really too much to ask or is there something here I'm missing? Rhetorical question of course.

Time is relative. Some people do well with infrequent visits and some do well with frequent ones. I wouldn't do well seeing my mother daily, but some people do and live nearby and Grandma babysits. My grands babysat me and we often had Sunday supper there after church.

It sounds like the real issue is MIL's personality and how you feel about her behavior. It would help to know a specific issue to understand more where the issue is. I have a friend whose grandmother is a nut case and when the grandkids grew up, she was upset that she was relegated to the grandmother of the bride, not the mother of the bride - because she wasn't. But she thought she had that right. There's lots of shades of gray between that kind of grandma and one who is merely annoying. (And it should be no surprise that her possessiveness was passed on to the next generation and she bullied her granddaughter with lengthy phone calls to the children at inopportune times, or begging for visits. Now that she is not local, they have a greater excuse not to see her often, but it shouldn't take a physical move to have boundaries.)

Also, when you say she's not understanding, how does she act? Does she mope to you or does she vent to the kids and drag them into her mood? Etc.

My DD sees the grands (either side) maybe once every few months. My ILs are not well and can't take her overnight or unsupervised and my mother is not local. We do our best to keep in touch and I know that they all love DD dearly. I use email often to send them notes or pictures and we call occasionally. DD isn't really one to talk on a phone long yet and neither set of grands understands skype.

For years and years we visited with my in laws every Sunday with very few exceptions. Since my oldest has been in HS and has plans of her own we see each other about every 6+ weeks or so although my husband will stop over more frequently.

I haven't spoken to my parents in years.

My wife on other hand has a very close family. Her parents are about 6 hours away but we make the drive every other month or so, they come to see us just about as often. It was less so before we adopted out kids but still 5 times a year or so.

You realize that responses will vary as much as the people here. And will be affected by distance between the parties, too? My kids don't see grandparents often at all. When the kids were small (until they were in middle/high school) they lived over 5 hours away. We made a lot of trips before the kids were in school to see family (and have mini-vacations--being away from home). We had ZERO family support where we lived. Soo... date night? That mostly happened when we traveled to visit family and a great aunt or grandma was willing to keep the kids so we could go see a movie or whatever.
They came to visit us maybe 4 times a year (on one side of the family) and maybe twice on the other side. We didn't do anything when they visited us, except host. No excursions alone. Usually, I spent my time waiting on houseguests.

Now that our kids are older (both in high school), one grandparent lives a little over an hour away (on the far side of the largest city/town around us, but not in our town or even our state). We only see her when we go there, for the most part. Which we don't do that often... the kids are busy with stuff when husband is off work. The other family still is over 5 hours away, and we see them maybe 3 or 4 times a year... when we go up there or they come down here... sometimes it's only for a day. Or for dinner at another family member's house... not staying with us.

It just depends upon your own family dynamics and proximity. I can't imagine if the grandparents lived in the same town as us. Cannot fathom. Sometimes distance is a miracle worker for relationships. ;)

My parents live a 1,000 miles away. We do Facetime with them every Sunday for about an hour. We always go and spend a week with them in the summer and sometimes a week at Christmas or in the spring (depending on my husband's work schedule). They usually come to spend a week with us when my dad has his annual checkup at Mayo Clinic. Because his health hasn't been great it has been difficult for him to travel. But right now we are with them to visit my brother and his family for a week.

My MIL lives with my SIL less than a mile away from us. She is retired and has no social life. She almost always goes to church with us on Sunday (if my husband isn't working) and we always have either brunch with her after church or dinner Sunday night. My SIL usually joins us, too. Basically, if my husband isn't working and he is doing something with the kids (no matter how small) my MIL shows up. She comes to swim lessons, gymnastics classes, school events, etc. When the kids were babies she was even known to show up when we were having professional pictures taken. She shows up at my kids' birthday parties that we have for just friends. When my husband takes the kids to school, they have to stop and pick up Grandma, too. If he is picking them up from school, he has to pick her up first. Even if that means going way out of his way to get to her house from work. She calls my husband at least a dozen times a day. If she hasn't seen my kids for a couple of days she demands that they talk on the phone with her, even if they are in the middle of homework or something. It drives me crazy!! And I think it bugs my kids sometimes. At times they have asked why Grandma has to come, too. A few years ago I put my foot down and said that on Saturdays it was just us. That has helped, but if there is some big event (like going to the state fair) I usually lose out. It is way too much time for me. But, I try to put up with it to keep peace. I hate it though. And I'm just a little bitter about it.