Am I Wrong About This? Asking Husband to Stand up to Parents.

I think you're taking it personally, but I don't think they meant anything by it. It's only going to cause a rift if anything is said, so I think you should have them visit as it stands now and invite them to come back on their own very soon -when they can spend more time. I understand where you're coming from -it's one of those things that would "miff" me, but not to the point of causing a situation over it.

I would be annoyed, but let it roll off. I wouldn't cause a problem in the family if it's not necessary. And honeslty, I would LOVE if my MIL cut her trips shorter!!

His parents made a decision I would be upset too. Why can't they visit again? If they have their own car can you invite them to come around Christmas time? Or why can't you go visit them?

Yes, you are being too sensitive, (though I do understand why you are annoyed). They are making a 5 hour round trip to see your family. Even if it isn't for as long as you want, they are making an effort. Try and be less resentful so that you all can enjoy your time together.

You can always tell them once they arrive in a sincere tone, "I'm so sad you can't stay longer, we will have to get together soon for Christmas for a few more days."

Maybe you all can make the drive to see them next time.

I can tell you right now that his parents did not have even one thought that they were picking one over the other. They simply made a choice based on what was in front of them. 5 hours is quite a drive and to do that after a long work day is quite difficult for some people. I am sure if the tables were turned they would do it for you and your family too. I am sure your in-laws were just trying to accommodate all of you and in turn someone will be unhappy. Back to that age old rule that you can't please everyone.

I think in reality they may even be feeling put out because they had to cut their trip short for the sister. I am sure they are not thrilled about driving 5 hours only to visit for half a day then drive back 5 hours. What a crappy deal for them. They are just stuck in a situation where they are caring for the sister and her family and probably feel some sort of obligation to help them all the time. Imagine how laborious that is.

I think you are just taking it personal, I agree with your husband, no sense in making a case out of it when there is nothing there. Believe me, they LOVE your children and when they get there they will be sad they have to leave so quick, especially when there is a new baby in the mix. Just take the time to enjoy them, and teach your children to enjoy them. Obviously your time will be short, no sense in wasting it.

Good luck!

I completely agree with your husband. They made a decision that works best for the travelers. If you were the one traveling to the location, you would get to call the shots on when to leave home (this is coming from a woman who travels across 4 states, 16 hours to visit family...the travelers get to do what they can to make the trip as easy as possible). Having your husband tell his parents that he doesn't appreciate the decision and that it is hurtful is kind of silly to me because he doesn't feel that way. If you want him to tell them that you are miffed about things, then ok, but he isn't so he shouldn't pretend he is. So they will be there, basically, for a day...you don't need to spend all day cooking and cleaning if they are leaving by 2PM. Try to relax and enjoy your visitors for the time that they are there.

Actually, I expected to side with you (I too had a husband who would not stand up to his folks for me), but on reading your message, I don't really agree with you. I haven't read your other questions - perhaps you have more severe problems with your inlaws and this is just the icing on the cake. If that is true, I get it, because I have real problems with my inlaws, and so I am offended by little innocuous things they do because there is a bigger picture of disrespect and disregard. But assuming this is not the case for now, 5 hours is a long drive, and the sister and the elderly parents may switch out drivers along the way or be there to help with the toddler, etc. It seems to me that asking them to drive separately is actually a bit unreasonable. From the information provided, I can't see how this is actually a reflection on whose children are more important (perhaps there is more to this assumption than you're sharing with us?) but instead a commentary on wanting to spend time away from home or make a long drive. If you don't like it, why don't you suggest that next time, they host and you and your kids will make the drive? I agree with hubby this time around that you're a bit over-sensitive.

I think this is a very difficult situation. It's not that I don't think you are right. Feelings are never wrong and you feel hurt. But, at the same time, I have to agree with your husband. All involved must do what they perceive they can handle. Your inlaws probably feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Who would want to travel that much in such a short amount of time?

Your sister in law and her husband sound like they are overwhelmed with their two year old and working full time.

Here they all come. At this point you can either keep being resentful or enjoy what time you have with your husband's family. Good luck!

You are overreacting. Don't spend all day cooking and cleaning--you have a 3 month old. Have hubby help you straighten up and order take out or go out for dinner. Enjoy the time with grandparents and SIL. Plan a longer visit for another time. This is not a personal attack on you or your children, so just relax and enjoy the time spent with family. Yoe are overreacting.

I understand you are disappointed, but I think somehow you have taken this personally as though they are trying to spend less time with you. I would encourage you to NOT let them know this hurt your feelings or that you feel slighted, instead just let them know you wish they could have stayed longer. Be gracious.

I see it as, this other couple are working really hard, they have a 2 year old and they are doing their best to get to your home 5 hours away, the safest way possible.
I have been in retail for over 30 years and my husband has always worked in professions where work goes on 365 days a week, so getting off for regular holidays is not as easy for for him.

We always did our best with the schedules we had..
I agree with the others, to please not be so upset about this. This is not a battle, this is just a disappointment. Invite the inlaws to your home for a nice stay when it is not a holiday. They will probably enjoy the time alone with all of you any time. At this time they are just trying to help their children. .

I thought I was going to agree with you, too. Based on the facts presented I think it sounds a tad bit sensitive but I don't blame you for being hurt. That being said I would let it go for the sake of family harmony.

i kind of think that for the holiday, maybe you should let this one go. there is a time and place for standing up for yourself and your family - but why would you want to cause waves and just create tension during what should be a festive and family oriented holiday? that's all you would do by raising a fuss. families are all about compromise. the compromise is that, so that your SIL and her family can come, the visit can't be quite so long. traveling with a 2 year old, after working all day, isn't something you'd wish on anyone! give 'em a break and be thankful that for this Thanksgiving, you and your husband will be surrounded by family. it sounds like a fun time.

Parents do things thinking they are actually helping one child, without even thinking about how it effects the other. Your "mama Bear" is coming out, because you want what is best for your kids. Time with Grandma and Grandpa. Yeah for YOU. Thing is you are going to have to get over it, or it will put a wedge between you and your husband. The kiddos will appreciate a road trip to see them sometime after the holiday.
I completely understand your feeling. My in laws live 8 hours away, and our children are the youngest grandchildren. They are not able to see and love them though all the things the young ones do. The one thing that you can probably do is change the way you will treat your grandchildren when you are older. Learn from this experience. Hang in there with the hubby. Reminds me of the television show, Everyone Loves Raymond.

I see both sides and probably would react a little defensive...but unfortunately, your husband is right. I know that it shortens the visit but let's face it the entire family now gets to visit with you and your kids. Dissapointing I know but put that aside and enjoy yourself. It also wouldn't hurt that once they get to your place to have them pitch in with cooking, setting table, cleaning etc..so you can all enjoy visiting.

Hmmm, I am sorry you are hurt over this. You are and are planning to work hard to make this a nice Holiday! I don't know if there is a history and this situation just adds to it but on the surface this seems reasonable. We are driving 3-4 hours at Christmas and even though we have a car that gets fairly good gas mileage I know there is going to be a cost there, increasing as gas prices increase. Also, that is a long way to drive (especially if there is any traffic due to the Holiday) so I can see wanting to share that burden. To tell you the truth, without knowing the rest of your relationship, I don't think they "blatantly" think your children aren't as important, this may be the way the can handle the trip and realize how dangerous it is for your SIL/BIL family to drive while tired especially when the holiday driving can add bad weather, other tired drivers, awful traffic and drunk drivers.

Not knowing your past with these relatives my advice is to be as gracious as possible, don't play into the scenario you've set up in your head about them not thinking you are as important. If you are thankful to have the time with them truly enjoy yourself and let them know how much you enjoy their company and are excited for your daughter to meet them, maybe they can come back by themselves to visit? If you express anything at all to them, let them know you were disappointed not to see and spend time with them because like a "kid waiting for Christmas" you couldn't wait for the fun to begin. All the Best!

Let it go. They are his parents and they are still coming. Look at it as less time you need to entertain. I understand that you may be disappointed that they won't be there on Friday but it is their decision to make. When you have plans that others don't approve of, those are your decisions to make. This is the same thing.

I see both sides. I had lots of similar drama w/ my own parents when they moved out of state. I let their actions hurt me when I really didn't need to. Very long, drawn out story but at the end of all the drama, I finally came to the conclusion that life is too short to be SO bothered by their choices, right or wrong in my eyes. I chose not to feel slighted any longer and keep the focus on my husband and child, instead of my parents, and you know what? It worked. And our relationship is better for it now. MUCH better. So just remember that you can't make others do what you want them to do and that we all make our own choices. And live with them. Good luck and focus on the positives!

Yes I would be hurt that they can't stay as long as they had hoped. Have you considered the health of the inlaws and their abiity to drive? I know that trying to drive five hours is hard. I used to do it after working 8 hours and drive another 6 hours getting into my son's home at 12:30 am and then going back home a day or so later. Now we take our time and get there when we do and come back when we want. Son always calls and checks on us like we are the kids and he is the adult. We tell him there are no dead lines for us or time clocks to punch to be home at a set time now days.

Just be glad that the family is making the attempt to come to see you and your family at your home during the Thanksgiving holiday. Also say a few prayers that they have good weather coming and going. Driving with a two year old is no fun unless they are asleep and you drive at night which means you will be tired during the day.

Be thankful for what you have this year. Let the disappointment go. You don't know what the dynamics are behind the scenes at the inlaws and you may be happy that you don't. So don't think that they are picking one child over the other. Just straighten up the house nicely and have a special meal from the left overs.

The other S.

PS Go visit the inlaws at a later date and enjoy.

I'm not sure that this is worth a big scene that involves pushing your husband to do something that won't result in a change. Really... we go through this all the time with my in-laws. They live locally (20 mintues) and it's like pulling teeth to get them to drive up for a visit. If my SIL calls and needs them, they drop everything to go watch the kids or give her a break.

This has probably been the situation his whole life and he's used to it. Your husband is likely the "responsible and independent" one (considering the fact that your SIL lives with their parents) and he's used to having to bend to suit his sister's needs. You aren't going to change an ingrained family pattern.

It has taken me years to help my husband understand this simple fact, it's probably not that they don't see your children as important, but the fact that you and hubby don't "need" them. Some people don't know how to "parent" their adult children and this is how it ends up!

Overall, I think your husband is right. I think you are jumping to conclusions and being overly sensitive. They have made their plans and just make it the best visit you can. I assume this will be a chance to get to know their 2 yo, too!

First of all, you can't "make" your hubby do anything and I think to make this a blow out will be more detrimental than adjusting your expectations.

Resentment and jealousy are generally destructive, not only to the relationship you want to foster, but to your own soul. Mind-reading your in-laws motives is risky. In this case, you risk souring your connection with your husband, his relationship with his parents, and your children's happiness with their grandparents.

Don't go there. Don't burden your children with the idea that their grandparents don't love them the way you think they should. You have a choice.

Your in-law's travel plans sound practical and reasonable to me. Travel gets quite a bit harder as we age, is harder in the winter, is more challenging with a young child, and costs quite a bit these days. I hope you'll be able to bring yourself to support the plan that works best for the most people.

I agree that it's sad that they don't see there grandchildren more often. And I agree that it's sad that they won't make an effort to stay longer but I don't agree that you put your husband in a position that he doesn't agree with. You shouldn't be upset about the cooking and cleaning because they "blatantly don't think our children are as important". This should be about making the most of your little time with them for your children's sake.

You can tactfully say that it saddens you on how little time the grandchildren see them & that you hope this can change in the future. So I say vent all you want to your husband but don't push him to say something. I bet your husband is just as upset with his parents as you are and if you could get him to say that it bothers him just as much, maybe that would make you feel better & diffuse the disagreement, just like the reason you posted this on here, it's nice to hear that people agree with you. My husband parents are the same way but they only live an hour away, but it makes me feel better to know that my husband feels the same way about his parents lack of seeing their only grandchildren. Happy Holidays

i can see where you are coming from..but it is Thanksgiving..be thankful for your family, health, that you have a roof, food, clothes..there are too many people that dont have these things..and that dont have any family to spend thanksgiving with!

my husband is the same way, despite family keeping doing thing that boil my blood and his, he doesn't stand up to them....we're getting out of a position, and i told him he needs to start standing his ground or i will (which will obviously create problems worse than they are)...some guys just perfer to keep the peace, "pick your battles" i would just say, ok, it's turkey and ham sandwich's while you're here....bring dessert if you want one.

I'm not sure that this is worth a big scene that involves pushing your husband to do something that won't result in a change. Really... we go through this all the time with my in-laws. They live locally (20 mintues) and it's like pulling teeth to get them to drive up for a visit. If my SIL calls and needs them, they drop everything to go watch the kids or give her a break.

This has probably been the situation his whole life and he's used to it. Your husband is likely the "responsible and independent" one (considering the fact that your SIL lives with their parents) and he's used to having to bend to suit his sister's needs. You aren't going to change an ingrained family pattern.

It has taken me years to help my husband understand this simple fact, it's probably not that they don't see your children as important, but the fact that you and hubby don't "need" them. Some people don't know how to "parent" their adult children and this is how it ends up!

I am pretty direct, and I have leanred ot be that way from the same issues. I get to the point that is there is a problem, I just address it myself! You are married and you have every right to approach these issues, it doesnt mean you ar being mean. You just have to take control.

W.,

I do agree with you that your husband's parents could easily make the drive to you on Friday and then his sister and her family could drive to you on Saturday. That makes sense and I don't understand why your husband's parents aren't jumping at the opportunity to come earlier to see their grandkids and meet their newest grandkid. That is strange. You are right - his parents are choosing the convenience to drive with his sister and her family. I assume they are all going to drive together. Honestly, a 5 hour drive is a very long drive to only spend 1 or 2 nights. I don't understand why your husband's parents won't stay longer - like 3 or 4 nights??

Anyway, with all of that said, you can't change your husband's parents. Their priorities are screwed up, indeed, but this is who they are. Just make a mental note of this so you will always know/be reminded of that your husband's sister is their first priority and there is nothing you can do about it. As your children get older, they will be able to see for themselves that their grandparents don't care to spend a lot of time with them. Hopefully your parents will want to see them more! I think you should let this whole thing go b/c it is completely out of your control, so let go of this negative energy. It is so ironic b/c most people would be thrilled that they will be spending less time with their inlaws! LOL! But you want to spend more time with them, which is very sweet. Kudos to you, but there is nothing you can do about this. My inlaws are very similar to yours. Every time they come visit, they spend a LOT of time in our kitchen, cleaning up and doing the dishes when they could be spending time with their grandkids instead. Well, if they want to have fond memories of spending time with my dishes rather than spending time with their grandkids, that is THEIR CHOICE!! Too bad for all of them.

As far as cooking and cleaning - definately clean your house (for any guest/visitor, not just for them), but definately don't feel the need to cook for them!! Tell your husband you will all order in dinner and that you are not going to cook. Let us know what happens!

Well, I would be sensitive and hurt too because it was my child who was and is always slighted by the grandparents. Frankly, I still don't see why the other couple could not drive themselves, but that is the choice the adults made.
If you have him force them or criticize their choice, you open youreself up to the same treatment. Believe me, as someone whose MIL and FIL constantly question every little decision, it is unbearable and worse than spending only 1 day with them.
Make it clear that Christmas you want some SPECIAL time with them before anyone else gets there. :-)