I Need Advice Form Mom's Out There Please Help

It sounds like you are being very defensive. You should take her comments to heart and take him to the dr. She is a professional and spends all day with him 5 days a week. The things she describes should be concerning to you. Have an open mind and talk to a professional who is experienced with treating behavioral issues.

I think that a teacher can bring out the best or the worst in a kid. If no other teachers have commented on his behavior, and he doesn't have problems in other settings, and the behavior examples are as mild as what you described, I think either the teacher is overreacting or maybe he is reacting to the fact that she doesn't like him and is acting out a bit.

In any case, I don't think it's ever the place of the teacher to recommend medical intervention (unless you asked for her opinion.) And it's only a month into the school year. Has she given him a list of things he needs to improve about his behavior? Has she done anything at all herself to help him to improve in class, or does she expect you to just fix him for her? She does not seem very professional to me.

If your school has a social worker or counselor, you might ask for their advice. Ask to meet with his teacher from last year and ask her for her thoughts. Also, ask for honest feedback from anyone else who spends time with him (sunday school or after school, maybe.) When you talk to these people, be sure not to sound defensive about it. I don't like the sound of this teacher, but it's possible she has noticed something new or something you haven't noticed at home, and if so, what's most important is getting your son the support he needs.

It is so hard to comment without knowing your son but here goes...
When I was 9 I had a teacher who treated me poorly because my family was not wealthy and I had a single mom. At some point my mom (very politely) told her where to go.
On the other hand some children exhibit behavior at school (or Grandma's,or a friends house etc) that they do not exhibit at home because they can "get away with it" to a degree. The school year has just started and I do not see how a teacher can be recommending medication at this point. American culture is VERY medication oriented which is sad.
It never hurts to visit a doctor if YOU, the parent, think it is needed. As long as your son understands that not all 9 year old behavior is necessarily SCHOOL appropriate behavior and that he needs to get his homework in on time.
I know a lot of parents who have treated their children's abundance of energy and lack of focus with organized activities such as karate, music lessons etc. The benefit of these activities is that they teach skills, self-discipline, and in some cases team work.
Good Luck!!!

Hi E.-

I work in an elementary district (K-8) out in Northbrook. I would recommend, if you feel you are not being heard when you talk with the teacher and feel she is treating your son unfairly, that you talk to the principal before making any decisions about school changes. The principal should know his/her employee very well and be able to be neutral in the situation. Meaning, if she is being overally hard on your son, the principal will be able to talk with her about it. If your son on the other hand is displaying some behaviors in school (that he may not be displaying at home for some reason), the principal should also be able to be neutral on viewing those and discussing them with you. I would ask the teacher and principal what ideas do they have on how they can help minimize the behaviors that they are seeing at school, telling them at this point since you don't see concerning behaviors at home an ethical medical professional would not prescribe medication to him (because he does not therefore meet the criteria for an attention problem - which I assume is what your teacher is hinting at - and since he does not meet the criteria, he therefore should not be placed on a medication trial).

So I would recommend starting with the principal. While they are the teacher's boss (so you may feel he or she may side with the teacher) they are also there to oversee the care and learning of all the students in the school. This means they are there to make sure they are being treated fairly.

It is hard to hear not so things about your children. But take a couple steps back and investigate it further before you make big decisions about switching school or even teachers for that matter. Let another professional (the principal) step in and give you some assistance to determine what really is going on in the classroom.

Best of luck and keep us posted on how everything goes.
S.

Hi E....first of all, I applaud you for finding a place (mamasource, of course) to possibly find an answer or guidance to your issue. (I wish I would have heard about mamasource 16 years ago...but it probably didn't exist!) Anyhow, gosh! Some parents are VERY passive with "I-don't-care" attitudes towards their child's school behavior and progress. You sound like you are 100% committed to your children's lives - you deserve a lot of recognition for that! I know that some kids (my daughter, for example) can act differently at home than at school. She's such a grouch sometimes at home, but the teachers used to comment on how polite and cheerful she was at school. My boys, on the other hand, are polite and pleasant at home, and polite and pleasant at school. I find it hard to believe that Juan needs a doctor's opinion - if he is a good kid at home, then overall he's probably a good kid at school. I know that when I have heard about kids acting out at school, sometimes it was purely for attention or out of sheer boredom. There was a little boy (who was super intelligent) simply "freaked out" my son and other kids in their class with his actions and sayings. He didn't have many, if any, friends, and kids as well as the teacher seemed to pick on him more than others. Sometimes I think it was for being different (red-headed, chubby, freckles, poorly dressed, smelled a bit, outspoken, not bashful). He took the "picking" in stride...and instead of crying or getting mad, he'd just be silly and do and say some crazy things! He was probably just too smart for the normal everyday school day and became bored easily. I think the kids were in 3rd or 4th grade at the time, and kids can be cruel...and I think teachers can be easily stressed-out. I was reading a mamasource post by a Chicago teacher who commented about medication for behavior...this drives me crazy, too! Teachers (not the one who commented, she sounds like she's got a lot figured out in life!) and parents seem to be resorting to Ritalin and other drugs instead of good old-fashioned parenting. This is where you are different, and that is wonderful! I simply think that this "behavior issue" is totally blown out of proportion by the teacher. I would be shocked, as well as infuriated by a teacher suggesting doctor's care for a 9-year-old. If Juan has such a behavior problem, then why haven't teachers in the past commented on him? I think YOU would know if he had a behavior problem...not a teacher who has known Juan for a little over a month in school. And I think it would have been obvious before now, too, if there was a problem. Take it easy, and know that you'll run into great teachers, and sometimes some really stressed-out ones, too! P.S. I forget to send things back to school with my kids, too...homework, lunch money, etc...and I sometimes have to yell at my kids, too. You're a normal, good mom!

I sounds like you have a choice of schools.?? If I were you and I had the option of going to another school I would explore the option and weigh the pros and cons.

Some of the things you might want to look at includes student|teacher ratio in all of his classes, including lunch time, the number of students in the school being referred for such intervention, etc.

Also, I know your son is only 9 but this might be the time of his life when you have to get serious with him, he's old enough to understand. He has to behave in school and his achievement is key.

Most school districts have a 'chain of command' that must be followed in order to take action beyond a teacher. If you feel strongly about the disagreement (let 24 hours pass first) then maybe you should look in the school hand book and find out who you should be talking to next.

Final thoughts...sounds like you are a latino family. Our family is Mexican, we live in a predominantly white school district; my kids grew up in this district and unfortunately there does exist racial profiling. Don't give any teacher the opportunity to even think that because you're a latino mother you don't help your child with his homework or that you don't provide support at home. Don't give any teacher or other school official the opportunity to think that you are not concerned with your child's behavior. Most importantly, don't give any one the opportunity to think that you are less than you are. GOOD LUCK!!

Hi E.,
I am a teacher and a mother. Trust me when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about. First of all, your teacher is telling you, without coming out and telling you, that your son needs to be on medication. When she says, "Take him to the doctor for behavioral issues", it is code for the doctor to put your son on medication. Your teacher may feel that your son is a behavioral problem. Everyone is intitled to an opinion. What she believes is acting out may not be your idea of acting out. It does not make her wrong, just different. So, you honestly believe your son is a normal boy. Trust your instincts. Would I run to the doctor? No. You may consider your son in a different class with a different teacher, but it is not necessary. Is this teacher and older woman? Is she new? I have been a teacher for ten years in the Chicago Public Schools and I have only seen one child who I felt was a behavior problem. His issues were emotional and he needed some therapist time. In my years of teaching, I have met some VERY good teachers and some terrible teachers. Just because a teacher makes a recommendation, does not mean you should apply it to your life. You should listen to it, and filter. I have heard a 6th grade teacher tell parents that their child is too hyper to ever go to college. Silly! Are the teachers being mean on purpose? No, just tossing in their two cents. It is up to the parents to know their children. Perhaps you child is bored. Perhaps your child does not like the teacher. Have you ever heard this comment from other teachers? What does your son say? Does he feel like he is picked on? If he is unaware of the situation, leave hime in the class. If I were you. I would take it with a grain of salt. Do not get mad, just be aware of your son and the relationship with his teacher.
I also wanted to mention one point. Children usually behave better at school than at home. So if your child is good at home and rarely exibits out of control behavior, I doubt he is saving it for his teacher at school. Good Luck!

I agree with Tina, keep an open mind. Kids can behave very differently at home than at school. And maybe he does things at home that you normally tolerate, but that stuff can't be done in a school setting.

I listen when my babysitter talks about my daughter b/c I know she spends time with her a lot more than I do, just like Jaun's teacher. It will not hurt to take him to the pediatrician and get him seen. If the doctor says he is fine, then you can settle both minds.

E. R:

As a high school social worker, please try not to let what this ONE teacher has to say about your child. You're right to remember the positives and all the RIGHT things your child is doing. I might suggest looking for alternative supports in your school (i.e. sch. social worker or psychologist). Seeking help from other professionals does not mean there is anything necessarily "wrong" with your son; however we all can use what ever support we can from time to time. If these incidents are isolated in the classroom, a Social worker can help the teacher find positive incentives/create a plan to curb the behavior. If your son's teacher is young/inexperienced or really old school for that matter, they can tend to be ridge in their teaching styles. Always remember you are the expert on your child; don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Lastly, I disagree with one person's response on going straight to the principal. This may be a way northshore families deal with conflict (no offense, but I live near the North Shore and my husband teaches at N.T. h.s.); however this will only make the teacher defensive, and possibly take it out on your son. I suggest using this as your last resort. Is there a classroom aide? Ask for feedback on their perspective as well.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

J.