Repeating 1St Grade Due to Behavior.

R. - Are you in the class with your son's teacher every day all day? You don't say you are so that is what I am basing my answer on.
All of us think our kids are great. But, the teacher is telling you that your son is not focusing, antsy, and behind the other kids in his class. The teacher, who spends every single day with your son, for probably 6-7 hours a day, is saying that your son needs to be held back. The teacher, who sees SO MANY different kinds of children along with the counselor, think your child may need to be tested for ADHD. While it's nice that you did some research it certainly doesn't hurt to have a professional check your son out.
I know it's hard to hold a child back but that doesn't mean he is stupid or slow...it just means that he is not ready for 2nd grade. I guarantee you...if you push your child into the next grade and he is not ready you are only going to do a disservice to him.
Listen to the teacher.
L.

The teacher and counselor see a different side of your son than you do. And they wouldn't suggest holding him back if they didn't think it was a good idea. Holding him back doesn't help the current teacher at all, so she has no reason to suggest it other than she's a trained professional and it's her professional opinion. Why don't you do the ADHD eval and then discuss again with the school the best options for next year? You will have more information and will be able to participate in the discussion with more than just "my son is fine!!!"

Don't take what the teacher and counselor are saying as an insult. They are with your child for 7 hour or so daily and he how he reacts to situations in a school setting.

It is nice that he can do work better one on one but that is not how the world works. You have to be a team player and able to work by yourself.

Do have him evaluated and do talk with his pediatrician about the issue.
Know that if he is held back in first grade it it not the end of the world. We did this with our daughter. She was not grasping what was being taught. We thought long and hard about it and discussed it and decided to hold her back. I explained to her that it was not for punishment or anything it was because she needed more time to learn and understand. It was the best thing that we could have done. Yes she is a little older in the class but who really cares it's about the child and what they need.

It becomes a stigma when the child is in 4 through 6 grade and is held back because then everybody knows you failed and they become mean to the child.

Put your child first and leave the emotions at the door when you talk to the teacher and guidance counselor or anyone else.

Good luck. This phase shall pass and you will have a new one to take its place or what to do? Oh the joys of parenthood.

The other S.

Isn't this better than the teacher not really caring and just pushing him along to 2nd grade if he's not really ready? You think he is but you're not in class with him all day. Why not have him checked out for ADHD? What do you have to lose? And I think it's your responsibilty. There are 23 other kids in the classroom and if your child is distracting the teacher, it's selfish and not fair of you to not at least see if there is something going on. I've volunteered in my children's classrooms and some kids can take up a disproportionate amount of the teacher's time. It is what it is and we may switch to private bc of it but in the meantime, I hear parents of some of these kids say how next year their precious child just needs one of the best or more special teachers to handle their child. What? So my child who is super well behaved is supposed to get a lesser teacher bc she does focus and stay still? How is that fair? The counselor also says your son needs to be evaluated. And I'm cranky this morning so this is rude but your grammar/spelling is pretty poor so maybe you're not the best evaluator of how your son is doing in school.

Is he one of the youngest in the class? As a high school teacher, I have seen that high school years will be really hard for him if he is behind his peers physically and emotionally.

The teachers and counselors can see him from the perspective of what his peers are doing. If they believe he is not as mature as the others, it is their duty to point that out to you. If your son does better one-on-one and you don't want to hold him back, then you might want to homeschool him. Kids need to be able to work in a class of 24 if he goes on to 2nd grade. Do you want your son to go through 2nd grade with the teachers continually frustrated with him because he isn't ready to follow 2nd grade behavior? He will be happier in a classroom that he is not always being told to stop doing what he's doing or to get going and do what he is supposed to do. He will start hating school and then you will have a whole lot of other problems.

Don't take it personally. Do what is best for your son in the long run. Is the counselor experienced? Also, don't go talking about the teacher behind his back to the other parents. That never helps anyone and only makes the parents find more faults with him. Is there another teacher that has seen him and can give you another perspective? Can you ask the counselor to observe your son in the classroom (if he/she hasn't) and give you a detailed report of what was observed? Just say that you want to do what is best for your son and you want to be sure to have a good 2nd opinion. Then follow it.

Just because he is ok academically doesn't mean that he is ok socially and emotionally. Probably what she is seeing is that is is not as mature as the other boys the same age. Even if the teacher used to teach 5th graders, she still has had the child development classes, and the chance to observe your son for almost an entire school year with other kids his age. He is not mature enough to go on. If the teacher suggests it, personally I would follow her recommendation. If he will need to repeat a grade, better K than wait until 4th, 5th or 6th when friendships are formed, and he's more set with his class. You won't hurt him by holding him, but you might by sending him on.

of course each child has their own personality. the teacher isn't suggesting otherwise. but he is a professional and giving you a professional opinion after working with your child for presumably some time. dismissing his advice because you don't like it isn't doing your son any favors. people who have chosen to work with children as their lives' profession don't, as a rule, just pick some kid and decide they 'don't want to deal with him.'
both the teacher and the counselor (professionals!) have told you the same thing, but you still think they just don't like your kid?
why NOT go see the doctor? why not get an independent evaluation?
it sounds like you're taking this very personally, as if they're implying that you have failed. they're not. they observe a situation regarding your son that needs to be addressed. i suggest you at least consider that they may have a point.
khairete
S.

Have you been in the classroom to observe your son's behavior there first-hand? If not, consider volunteering to get a better sense of what's going on. That way, you can form an opinion of the teacher and your son based on what you have seen, not rumors.

If the school is recommending an evaluation, I would do it. That was our big tip-off that our son was extreme and we did listen. Ask the pediatrician for a referral to a specialist like a child psychiatrist or neuropsychologist. At the very least, you'll learn it isn't ADHD or anything else and can't tell the school that fact. If it is ADHD or another disability, the school can make special accommodations to help your son thrive in school. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by having the evaluation done.

If he tests into the next grade then I do not think they should hold him back and if they think he has ADHD then why not start with the school's special ed department and see if they suggest an IEP or any reason(s) to persue this theory further. My son has ADHD with some accomodations - basically he is allowed to stand at times/sit in a chair that allows him to move vs sit still w/out disrupting the class - some kids need these accomodations, some do not. Sometimes what they want is to see that you are at least listening to them, show them you are by asking for them to evaluate your son. I could be wrong, but I do not think that they have much reason to hold him back.

The school will still be dealing with your child, even if he does repeat the grade. As a mother of an ADHD child, I would highly suggest you take him to be tested. I was adamant that my child didn't have ADHD based on the little bit that I knew about the condition. But couldn't really argue with the psychologist and psychiatrists when they diagnosed him. Now that my child is taking medication, he's relieved that it's so much easier to focus, he feels calm and not as impulsive and doing so well academically and socially. And in the process of having him tested for ADHD, you may discover that maybe he doesn't have this condition but maybe something else instead, that can be treated. All the best luck to you.

I would try not to be a mama bear ("Nothing's wrong with MY kid!").

(Why did people start calling this situation a "mama bear"? Mama bears growl at people they perceive of as threatening, but they also cuff their kiddies a lot and have no patience when their babies don't want to be sent on their grownup way!)

You can be a mama bear in this way: what other parents complain about is not the issue. Let the other bears alone, and don't listen to them. Think about what is best for your son. Don't let the issue of the teacher's style or personality cloud the air.

Whether you like the people or not, you have an opinion (from the teacher) and a second opinion (from the counselor). Where could you go for a third? You need to go to somebody you like and trust, because if that person tells you the same thing, you need to go for it.

If, as it happens, your son is having a problem focusing *in class* right now, that certainly doesn't put a "loser" label on him. It just means it's up to you to take whatever steps are necessary so that he can learn to focus and succeed. When my children needed extra help in math, they went to a math tutor, even though they didn't want to and I was sorry they had to. When a couple of them had trouble focusing in a way different from your son, they ended up going to the eye doctor and getting glasses. If a child struggles with anything too long and really falls behind, it's harder and harder for him or her as time goes by. Catch-up time should be, generally, as soon as possible.

And there isn't anything in the two recommendations against *you*, as far as I can tell. Children are like surprise packages; they're wonderful but you never quite know what's going to come out next.

I think that if I were in this situation I'd step outside the school circle and into another circle that I knew had wisdom about children. I'd call my family doctor and discuss it. In fact, I'd pick his or her brains.

My son had the samething last year, but his teacher has taugh Kindergaten for years. I just feel she is getting older & can't handle the kids as she use to. I didn't let them retain him... we did get him tested at the begining of this year (1st). He was switched before the testing to a new teacher (from the teachers that my daughter had last year), since the classes were to big & they hired a 5th 1st grade teacher after the school year started. My some has been doing better with the new teacher and now has an IEP & he does get extra help in reading & math, but is on the merit roll.

Yes, he is hyper & yes he was also put on ADHD meds. We only give him is "calm" pill on school days. We are able to cope a little more & help him to release his energy on the weekends a little easier then a teacher in a classroom with 18-20 kids. He actually reminds me about his "calm" pill, because he says he can listen better and it helps him to understand directions more. The teachers can tell when we forget & sometimes I am giving a call or get a note sent home about it.

As a parent you have the right to refuse retention & you also have the right to ask for your child to go back to the grade below if he is having to many issues at the beginning of the school year.

But if your son isn't having issues with homework... I don't think he should be retained, but I am not there & might not have all the facts or what his report card look like.

Good luck making the desition.

R., I agree with the many posters who said to follow the teacher's advice. I want to emphasize that the jump in curriculum and homework is huge from first to second grade. Also, many schools begin state testing in 2nd grade. There is a lot of information to learn in a seemingly short time. If your son is already a little bit behind, why not do everything you can to help him? Yes, you might think it will be hard for him emotionally, but honestly, it will be harder on him if he struggles everyday in class. Repeating 1st grade might help him in so many ways, academically, emotionally, and with his antsy behavior. Best wishes to you and your son. B.

gosh in CA a teacher cant suggest your child is ADHD w/o having the child monitored for a year. It is an actionable offense. If it would make you feel better you could have him evaluated. Then if he is fine you have ammunition. Even if he is slightly ADHD, which may be, they can give you tools and tricks to help him stay focused. But I do think all kids have difficulty focusing. And especially boys. They are more gross motor function than fine. He'll get there though.

I would not write off the fact that the teacher is seeing something in your son that might need some attention. BUT, I also am now a strong advocate of homeschooling for some of the very things you are talking about. In many cases in public school, it is just too hard for teachers to deal with any kid that doesn't just "sit there" and go along with the average ability level. Kids that are excelling in school, or struggling (so the non-average kids, if you really can say there is such a thing as an average kid), get lost in the shuffle. The overacheiving kids are dumbed down and the struggling kids get further and further behind as each year progresses. Some school districts have better resources than others, and some teachers are better than others, but so, so, so many people I know got fed up with public schools trying to tell them that they just had to "change their child's behavior" or supplement at home to give their child the education they needed. So guess what? Those parents are now homeschooling! And their kids are learning and absorbing new things like crazy and doing wonderfully.
A high energy kid who has trouble focusing in the 1st grade is not necessarily ADHD. In fact, often times, it's the high energy kids that can't sit still that are incredibly bright and go on to very successful careers.
I'm not saying homeschooling is your answer, you may not have the life circumstances that allow you to do this, or may have no desire to do this. But let me encourage you, it's a lot easier than it sounds. And if you are homeschooling, your son will definitely NOT have to repeat a grade. The beauty of homeschooling is that you tailor their curriculum or learning plans to where they are at, you don't force them fit into an average kid mold. Public school was invented for the American government to have a way to control the kids whose parents were not educating them at home and prepare them for factory worker jobs during the Industrial Revolution. Public eduction has obviously come a long way since then, but it's still designed for the masses, and if your son doesn't "fit" the mass control model of the classroom, it's could be a long road for you as a parent.

We had the same situation with my oldest grandson, only I was the one who suggested he be held back. Probably is, in our area, it is almost never done. They did diagnose him with ADHD and put him on medicine, which really made him a zombie. After several tries, they finally found a med that worked well for him, and he excelled in school, for about 3 years. Lost medical insurance and the medication was way too expensive to continue.
He is now in 6th grade, and has been doing tons of "extra credit" just to maintain grades between C- and D-. He can't even do basic math without counting on his fingers. Now, 5 years after the fact, my daughter is thinking "maybe we should have held him back", but she was so worried about the the stigma of being held back when he was younger. Don't get me wrong, he is a VERY smart young man. Honestly, I think part of the blame is my daughter's because she never made him stick to anything or follow through.
I believe the biggest problem is technology. Between computers, iPhones and the overall simple access to technology at a young age, our children are using their brainpower less and less. My honest opinion is that the teacher knows best. This teacher has seen so many children and so many different issues with them, that I doubt they are that far off. Having taught 5th grade, the teacher is well aware of how important it is to provide a good solid foundation for a child early on, so by the time they get to 5th grade, they can handle it.
No parent wants to admit their child isn't perfect and insists their behavior is "normal". But normal behavior does not affect those around you. Take it from me. I have seen, firsthand, how my grandson's talking and playing around in class have caused other students to suffer. My grandson has been moved to a desk all by himself next to the teacher's desk because no other kids want to sit by him!! I don't blame those kids. They want to learn and succeed. However, my daughter still does not make my grandson take responsibility for himself. Find out if your son's behavior is in fact having negative impact on the other students. If so, you may need to be a little more receptive to outside intervention.

My sister was in kindergarten when our parents divorced. She finished the last month by correspondence (our mom was in school for early childhood ed and it was a private school). The teacher suggested that sis be held back because she was shy when the teacher saw her. That she was immature. My mom's argument was that sis could do the work and just needed time, as the family situation had changed. Mom talked to the new school and they agreed to put sis in the 1st grade class and see how she did. She kept up and there were no reports that she was unable to function in class. Shy? Yes. Always has been. But socially crippled? No.

I would do the eval, and then talk to to the school again. If you think he doesn't have ADHD and they do, get a ruling. Then you will know which way to push. You need to find out if there's more going on or if your son is just not "average". Many classrooms cater to the middle of the bell curve and the students who learn one way. That's going to leave someone lagging sometimes.

BTW, my SD was all over the place as a young child. Not ADHD. Needed to learn self-control. She did better later and is likely to graduate HS with almost a 4.0.

Also, my friend's daughter had behavior problems - turned out she had problems with sleep apnea and once she had her tonsils out she was a different kid. That's something else to discuss with your doctor.

You know your son better than anyone else. Teachers have multiple children with multiple personalities in the classroom, as you have acknowledged. They don't want a kid that is not a clone of the rest, because it means they have to work harder. They would very much like to see your son medicated into zombie land so that they can go about their merry day and not have to deal with him. WRONG! They get paid to deal with him!

As long as you feel confident that he is not lacking in the academics, I say don't hold him back and do not medicate him. They can just buckle down and do their jobs!

In 2nd Grade, the "expectations" of a student, increases. Academically and in maturity and for self-reliance. A student is expected to be more independent. And about the curriculum.
It is NOT like 1st grade.
THEN in 3rd grade, it takes another leap in terms of student expectations and in curriculum and assignments.
THEN in 4th grade, there is a BIG jump, in what is expected of a student.

So, it is a bunch of things, that will be expected of a 2nd grader.
Can you son, do that? Can he keep up?

If he needs help with reading, many schools have a reading Tutor to help kids who need help with reading. Maybe inquire about that, too.

If your son needs help, in any way, then you need to explore that avenue and get him help.

I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in the other posts.

You should be your son's advocate - no one else is going to. First, you need to be completely informed of your son's situation which means doing your own homework. Go and observe your son in his classroom situation. Have him evaluated for ADHD if you think it is appropriate (but I personally think too many people are quick to want to prescribe medication when it's not really warranted but it make their lives easier.) Have him tested to see if he can handle the subject matter (it sounds like from your post that he is capable and does master his subjects.) Listen to what his current teacher and the principal have to say (don't defend, just listen for now - bring a trusted neutral friend our your spouse for moral support if you need it) and then talk to whomever his 2nd grade teacher would be to understand what his/her expectations would be of your son.

It sounds like you may have a kinesthetic learner (someone who learns by doing, needs motion to think, learn, and process things). He is a kid for goodness sake - kids move. As I think about it, as adults we don't sit for hours on end like we expect of kids. We get up, we move around, we get coffee, etc. when we're working.

Once you have all the information, think honestly about what you know about your son and then figure out what to do. If this really is just a "behavior" thing, then having him repeat a grade in my mind isn't going to necessarily change things. He's likely to be bored (which will probably cause more issues). It sounds like he needs to be challenged and taught in a manner that is consistent with how he is wired to learn. If you do decide that it is in his best interest to repeat 1st grade, then I would suggest he has a different teacher than he currently has.

Best of Luck!

As a bilingual elementary school teacher for LAUSD for anout 15 years, I was encouraged to never hold back. Because, statistically it has been shown that children held back DO NOT PROGRESS in the long run, but actually seem to fall further behind. This was told to us by our principal at a faculty meeting.
I would go ahead and have him advance, but REALLY WORK with him on his behaviour, penmanship, READING, over the summer. Really - little to no TV and tons and tons of books that you read together, lots of group activities so you can monitor/compare his behavior with peers. Maybe tutoring if he needs it. But YOU MUST COMMIT to helping him.
Good luck!

"I think they just don't want to deal with my son"

Actually, dealing with your son is what they are trying to do. They feel he is not ready for 2nd grade and are concerned about pushing him forward where they don't think he will succeed. They are probably putting a lot of energy into handling his behavior, motivating him, keeping him focused, and worrying about how to approach their concerns with you (I have been a counselor in an elementary school, and am very familiar with the types of issues you bring up here- these are hard conversations for the teachers and counselors to have, but they have to do it because we all want what is best for the kid). The school staff knows what environment is coming in the next grade, and whether or not your child is ready. Please don't dismiss their advice.

We all think our kids are perfect and you know what, they ARE! We love them just the way they are. And teachers care about your kids too, and appreciate their unique personalities. But they do have the challenge of teaching them for 7 hours a day and this is where their expertise comes in. Please don't be defensive about the school trying to explore its options for your child and making suggestions for things you can rule out or look into. It doesn't hurt. If you get him looked at for ADHD, it's still your call how to handle all that if you find anything out. At the very least you would get yourself educated about it which it already sounds like you are doing.

My best advice is to work with the school and keep your mind open. No need to rush any decisions, just keep an open mind. Maybe observe your son in class one day and see what he is like in the classroom (peaks of energy and dozing off definitely sounds like it is not conducive to classroom learning and something that should be checked into with a Dr. There might be suggestions you can follow to even out his energy level).

Good luck.