My two year old throws the worst fits. The most minor of things set her off. Tonight she was helping me empty the dishwasher and she got upset because I put something away that she wanted to put away. This morning I handed her her pants to put on and she got upset because she wanted to pick them up. She just suddenly starts screaming over nothing. I can't understand what she's upset about because she's screaming and then she doesn't calm down for awhile. She's upstairs in the crib right now just screaming away because I didn't know what else to do with her. I've tried ignoring her when she does this but she doesn't stop. I've tried punishing her but the fit just goes on longer. My husband and I just don't know what to do. Even as a small baby she wasn't shy about expressing her displeasure so I'm certain this is just a part of her personality. But it's like living with a loose cannon and it's making the whole family miserable. Any advice you have to offer will be appreciated.
I would put her in her room and let her scream it out. Ignoring it is probably best.
Hi E.,
I have a 3.5 year old who was a TERRIBLE two year old back in the day. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but she will get past this phase eventually! My daughter would throw a minimum of one, and usually around 4 or 5 knock-down, drag-out tantrums a day. It was MISERABLE!
Here's the thing about tantrums. Usually, little ones have a hard time expressing themselves verbally, so all the little slights that happen to them during the day build up until they can no longer contain their frustration. Then some other little slight happens (mommy picked what pants to wear and they were the WRONG ONES!) and they totally lose it. They're not trying to be bad, they've just lost all control of themselves.
I think the best way to handle it is to calmly pick up your child (assuming she does the spaghetti-baby thing and slithers onto the floor in a screaming heap like mine did), and take her to her room. Put her on the floor in there and say in a very calm voice, "I know you are upset about the pants I picked out. When you are feeling better, you can come out of your room." And then leave, and shut the door behind you. (If she has a favorite stuffed animal or blankie, let her have it so she can calm down.) Let her scream it out for a minute or two, then go back in (even if she's still crying) and pick her up and say, "Are you feeling better now? would you like to sit with me and read this book?" or whatever, and go on about your day.
When you have a consistent routine that you stick to every time she has a tantrum, she will feel better because she will know what's going to happen next. Pretty soon she will start to go to her room on her own when she's feeling upset, and will calm herself down before she gets out of control. I know, sounds crazy, but give it time - she'll figure it out! Some kids are just way more challenging than others (my oldest had about 2 tantrums in her whole year as a two year old... and then my little one came along and screamed the whole year straight through!) Hang in there...
Her screaming and tantruming is communication. Okay so not communication in anyway that we parents enjoy and appreciate. But it is still her communication.
I know that she is only 2 years old, but she probably understands most of what you say to her now and speaks in short (two word)sentences at the least. So when you or a different family member frustrates her: Get down on her level (squat down), gently take her by the shoulders, tell her calmly that you hear that she is upset and would like to help her but can't until she can tell you what she wants without screaming or yelling. Then put her in her room. Check on her every once in a while in the same mellow way, "Hi, just checking to see if you are ready to talk with me." Then walk away. Ignoring her completely is just going to escalate the problem since she will not understand that you want to communicate and help her, but she will learn that she has no appropriate way to communicate. However, by never giving in to a tantrum and always offering to talk in a soothing voice, she will learn that the only way to get what she wants is to ask for it in a regular voice. The trick is being able to give her what she wants at least 50% of the time or an appropriate close alternative once she has calmed down enough to talk with you. Yes, this is very hard and takes a long while to work through. Good Luck and Best Wishes.
It will get better. At two kids have difficulty expressing to us what they want, so they get really frusterated and throw awful fits that really frusterate us. I would try talking to her a while and then like Page said let her scream it out in her room. I did this with my kids and when it was really bad, I turned on the music really loud to drown them out, sometimes it even made them stop. Guess they figured it wasn't doing any good to scream if I couldn't hear them! GOOD LCUK!!!
You need to try to prevent the tantrum from happening. Give her lots of choices during the day (do you want the red cup or the blue cup, cheerios or oatmeal, wear the pink shirt or the purple shirt) etc etc. With my very strong willed daughter, I have also learned that some things aren't important. I don't care if she wants to wear her orange shirt with her red skirt or if her hair gets combed every morning. Those things aren't important (although I have gotten some funny looks in the grocery store). But by giving her these little victories throughout the day she is more cooperative about the things she doesn't have a say in (like getting a bath or eating dinner). Two year olds want to have some independence, so if she feels like she doesn't have any control over anything she may melt down easier. You should read the book Happiest Toddler on the Block (or rent the video of the same name). It has a lot of strategies for dealing with toddler meltdowns. My favorite strategy is playing the boob. When I notice my daughter starting to lose it, I act silly or like I really need her help doing something easy (like getting a cup to stand up on the counter) I will over and over again try to put it up there and have it "fall" off. She gets so distracted in helping me that she has forgotten what she was so angry about a few minutes before. The book has lots of great strategies about commnicating with your little "cave person" that really do work. Good luck. I have a very strong willed 2.5 yr old that tests my patience every day. I have to remind myself every day how lucky I am to have the kids in my life.
It's absolutely about expressing herself, and not having the words to explain her feelings. Clearly she's a strong personality with a very strong sense of independence. It's wonderful that she wants to do so much on her own, encourage that and make sure she knows that you see and acknowledge her attempts and desires. When she first gets upset, you use words to try to describe how she's feeling "oh you are upset because you wanted to pick up the pants. You are a big girl and you want to do things yourself..." And if there is time, do it over so she can do it herself. At this age, make lots of room for her to do things, let her do it all if you can. You could also, in a calm moment, talk about other outlets for frustration. What do you do when you are mad? Do you like to walk it off, take deep breaths, write about it? Share those ideas with her. Teach her how to take deep breaths, count to 10, punch a pillow, draw with crayons really hard-- help her find alternatives. Because the issue is not the feelings, it's what she's doing with them. Enlist her help on how to solve the problem, especially given her desire to do it all, she can help find a solution!
