I Hate Feeling like My Marriage Is Over

So very dramatic!

He goes out partying. You overreact and guilt trip him. He learns that it is easier to lie to you than just tell you he's going out to tie one on.

You throw a tantrum, which he ignores. And now you're "depressed" because you can't force him to feel regret? So you're going to keep throwing this tantrum until he apologizes with enough "meaning/regret" to satisfy you?

Sounds a lot like this philosophy - The beatings will continue until morale improves!

Working on a successful marriage is not a function of assigning blame and expecting apologies or remorse. Working on a successful marriage is figuring out your part in all of it and working on your own failures.

Sorry but, you're wrong, no you're wrong, no you're wrong is how five year olds deal with conflicts. Adults go I am sorry I picked a fight, I was upset because I thought...., then I felt...., I will try to express my needs better. Then with any luck he listened to you instead of building the wall that comes with blame. If that happens you will get in return, I understand and I shouldn't have gone out all night drinking....

You seem very immature mostly because you are not reacting to anything with maturity. I mean if I got into a I am going to sleep on the sofa fight I would have the maturity to admit I am doing it to make my husband feel bad.

If you can't work through simple disagreements like this divorce is not going to be easy on your child at all.

I remember your last post, and between that one and this one I thought you guys must be young, so I looked at another one of your post you're 27. That's kinda past the age of 'young', although compared to me you are.

Now you don't give a lot of info, so all I have to go on is this post and the other one. I will also assume, that like most marriages it's not perfect, no marriage is. It's full of hills and valleys. Good times and bad times, and it is a lot of work.

You sound depressed, this isn't something he can fix for you. Nothing he does, while you are in this state of mind is going to make you feel good, and running away isn't going to solve your problem. So YOU go into counseling, he doesn't need to be there for it to be effective.It would be nice, but it's not necessary. You fix you.

Now you want an apology, why? If he feels he didn't do anything wrong, why would he apologize? You hold as much responsibility for what happened as he did, but here's the thing, apologies are not a competition. Instead of worrying about who was right and who was wrong, come up with a compromise. What do you expect in any future situations where this might be an issue, and what is he willing to do to make you feel more comfortable. Again, it's not his responsibility to fix your issue, only for you guys to come to an understanding.

Get counseling. That's the best advice I have.

Why would he be sorry? He went out to celebrate a friend's birthday and was in a safe place. He didn't do it to spite you or to hurt you. He is not responsible for your being suspicious or hurt if he actually didn't do anything suspicious or hurtful. That's on you. You want an apology from him for not doing anything wrong. Of course you won't get an apology. It's not because he hurt you. You're hurting yourself.

You're reacting like someone who is depressed and anxious. If he won't go to marriage counseling then you still need to attend. You also need to attend psychiatric therapy to deal with your depression and anxiety.

I think it's really important that you get yourself a job, even if it's only part time, to get out of the house and interact with other adults besides your husband and mother-in-law.

I have a feeling you and your husband are young, so I can tell you he's immature. I don't think you should assume that he did anything bad when he stayed at his friend's house -- if he's young and immature he was probably just partying, and he doesn't want you making him feel bad about it.

My husband didn't learn how to say sorry until a few years ago, and he was in his fifties. So it might take a long time for your husband to learn that.

I agree with the advice that tells you to get a job and wake up every day and dress up, etc. You need to make yourself feel good about yourself, so do whatever you need to do to take charge of your life.

I don't think dogs and a less than perfectly clean house are dangerous, so move in with your MIL if you have to. Sometimes guys need a wake up call, and you getting strong and moving out for a while might be a wake up call for your husband.

Don't sit around crying, it's not attractive. Get tough. Get a life for yourself, so you are not depending on your husband. He needs to feel like he would lose out if he lost you, and if you are sitting around weeping, he won't care all that much. Like another poster said, you need to be the person he fell in love with.

I really think your husband's biggest problem is immaturity. I'm guessing early 20's??

This morning, get up, dry your tears, exercise, get dressed up, put on makeup, start planning a life for yourself, and show that husband the hot woman he's going to lose if he doesn't shape up.

R., I don't know how old you and your husband are. I don't know about the rest of your marriage. I do know that you need to be looking to find a job. If a judge rules that you cannot have your kids because you can't provide for them, HE could get custody and you would owe HIM child support. Some states actually do this.

Please start looking out for yourself some. Instead of thinking about what you want from him, think about what you want from you. Time to start planning for a future that may not include him.

The reason he won't apologize is that he wants you to get used to being treated this way. He wants his cake and eat it too - freedom when he wants it and you to be at home waiting on him hand and foot. Get out of that house and find a job. You need to forge your own life before he takes that ability away from you. And please don't have anymore children with him.

Just because he will not not go to counseling, does not mean you should not go.

That is a person that can help you work through all of this and give you some tools to help you communicate. If you are depressed, this person can help you work through this. Depression causes, exhaustion, short tempers and hormones out of whack... It is hard to work on a relationship, when you are hanging on by your fingertips just to care for your child.

Your focus at this point is anger and resentment. You can not get past it, till you feel like someone understands your feelings.

Your husband sounds immature. Is he young? How long have you all known each other? How long married? How old is your child?

The reason any of this matters? Some people get married really fast and do not really know each other very well. Some couples have not learned how to speak with each other instead of AT each other.

Also typically women are more mature earlier than men.

Men react to being a father very differently than women to being moms. We carry the baby for all of those months. The men are just observers. We tend to study up on what to expect.. men just think they can "wing it".. Or do not really think they will ever be the only caregiver.

Watching a capable woman be able to give birth to a baby and to be able to feed it from her body, can be very humbling to some men. They can be so overwhelmed they just feel unworthy or incapable.

So instead they work, they party, they argue, they make excuses and they hide.

The mature, secure men can verbalize all of this. But sometimes, we need to give them space, the freedom and the security to figure this out AND to admit it with us. This takes incredible maturity and acceptance on our part. .

Your husband has somethings going on and sinse he cannot share this with you, for whatever his reasons are, this will not change.

So go to counseling, figure out how to be secure in yourself and how to help your husband keep his masculinity, but to also grow up and face his fears and insecurities so he can be honest with you.

This is not an overnight deal. This will take time, effort and can be painful to face our own truths.

Why does he owe you an apology? Do you feel he did something wrong? I would NOT be okay if my husband did something like that, but he knows this based on our communication and leaving in the middle of an argument/fight is not an option either of us are okay with - nothing gets solved.

If he won't go to counseling that sucks big tiem. YOU still go. This is not a one-sided problem. You need to figure out your role in all of this, how you can change to make yourself happy, and how he fits into a "happy you" plan, if he does. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't, but the two of you going on like this is doing no one any good at all.

If you REALLY do want to leave, a dirty house and some dogs shouldn't be stopping you - so that tells me you really don't want to leave. I am allergic to dogs, and if I REALLY wanted to leave my husband, I would still move back with my parents and take a daily benadryl if I had to.

You guys need to work on communication and I bet a lot of your issues will go away.

Divorce should not be an easy option for either of you.

I went through something like this with my now ex husband. He treats you like this because he doesn't really care how you feel or what you think and he knows that you are a SAHM and likely will just put up with his b.s because you don't have a choice. Well you know what sweetie? YOU DO! Call the step mom, tell her you've had it and want to move out and see if she can take you in. Get a job so you are not there with the dirt and the dogs, it's just temporary until you get on your feet. There will come a day, when all of us who are divorced who have experienced it, where you will be sitting there watching tv and all of a sudden you will KNOW that you cannot stay with him for one SECOND longer and you will jump up off the couch and start getting thing in order. You will not be depressed any longer and you will take charge of YOUR life and that of your child. And then there is no looking back. Life is too short to spend one second of it being unhappy. Lots of us have been through it and have better lives for not only ourselves but our kids as well. I wish you the best. Good luck

Please consider getting a job. I know that isn't what you're expecting to hear but here's why I think this is a good solution.

He fell in love with you...when? Were you a sahm? Did you have a life that was independent and exciting? Did you have friends and go do stuff with them?

He sees you differently now because you are different. He's the only other adult you interact with. Do you get up each morning and take a shower, get dressed and put on makeup? Do you do your hair every day?

Do you have plans that don't include him at all?

He sees you as someone different now. You are someone different.

If you are truly a lower income family you can get some assistance to pay for child care. Even if you don't get assistance and only work for minimum wage where you only make enough to pay child care and some extra money he'll see you as an independent individual person again.

You will feel better about yourself and start feeling like you matter again. Your child does need you BUT here's another truth.

Parents going through divorce where the mom is a sahm are finding that the judges are giving the working parent the kids, full custody. The non working parent is ordered to pay child support AND sometimes pay spousal support.

So if you do think your marriage is over and crumbling go tomorrow and find out if you can get child care assistance. Then start looking for a job. Once you find one get that child in care and get busy making some money so you can have enough saved up to get an apartment and make sure you get a vehicle in case he doesn't let you have the one you're driving now, or get itin your name.

He's not sorry. You guys are 15, and that's what 15-year-olds do. If you want to establish a home together, then you talk and work together. You don't throw a fit or jump into commitments that you aren't ready to make with people whom you hardly know.

You mention your marriage being over, but I wonder if it's ever really begun. I read your other post. How old are you? I ask because grown-ups do not behave like this. When you get married, your home is where you live. It's where you sleep and eat and sit around and...BE. Grown-ups don't run off from a fight and then stay gone for hours upon hours and then stay out all night. Grown-ups don't just sleep over at their friends' homes. If my husband were to tell me this, I would assume that he had fallen and bumped his head and was smoking crack. You can't make him do or feel anything. Husbands and wives talk and establish things like this before they are husbands and wives. And before they are parents.

Stop trying to convince him to go to couples counseling. You need to go to individual counseling and learn how to become a grown-up, so you can have some sense of how these things are supposed to work. You're so upset that he's not doing what you want, but you're just as bad as he is because you picked him. Stop trying to figure out how to blame him. Instead, figure out what you can do to be a better wife and mother and person.

If he won't go to therapy then maybe you need to go on your own. You need to find out what exactly is making you depressed and get some perspective on your situation so you can figure out your next step. Having none of your own family around must be very hard.

When I was a sahm that best advice I ever got was from a friend who said "You can't look to someone else to bring joy into your life. You have to find something that makes you joyful all on your own." When you stay home you tend to look to your partner for everything. You need to find what makes you happy and not depend on him for your happiness.

He won't go to counseling, so you aren't going either? You need perspective and support in developing a backbone. Find a counselor today. GO through your town's department of family services for low cost therapy, or work iwth a clergy member if you are part of a church or synagogue.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. At least not over a long period of time.

I'd be careful about being too chummy with his stepmother - it's got to be awkward for her to take your side over his. Perhaps in the short run she can help by watching your child while you see a counselor though.

You can't make him care about you by asking him to, begging him too, showing him how upset you are, or anything else. He either is a caring person or he's not. Yes, if my spouse hurts my feelings or does something I disagree with, I can (and do) bring it up - but if he doesn't care or nothing changes, then there's a huge problem.

The problem in your marriage is not this fight and not the fact that he stayed out late. The problem is a complete lack of trust, of respect or of shared interests, and an inability to communicate. It's aggravated by the fact that you are at a crossroads in your studies/career (as you explained in another post). You feel helpless and, apparently, worthless, and powerless to do anything about it. Therefore you are not in a marriage of equals. You have to learn to see your husband for who he is, not who you wish he would be or who you thought he was when you married him. There's an expression that says, "When people show you who they really are, believe them." He's showing you. Is this the person you thought you were marrying?

Get a counselor, get an ally. You can unload your problems and have a good cry. Then that person will help you figure out a plan to protect yourself legally and financially. That will include getting a job, having your own bank account to squirrel away your money, having a safety deposit box for important papers, and learning to do a budget. Your husband will be obligated to support your child so do not listen to any threats about how he's not going to pay you any money unless you do x, y and z. It's not his call.

Don't let your depression paralyze you. Take the same energy that you use to post these feelings on Mamapedia, and use that to make an appointment. If you have medical insurance, it usually covers mental health visits. Even your doctor can help you find a counselor who accepts your insurance. Do it today. You deserve it, and your child deserves a mom who is happy and secure and able to raise a child who will not live in a bad relationship.

Start to plan. You are not in immediate danger so you have time.
Step One
1) get a job
2) put your paychecks into your own bank account
3) find a place to live
4) move out
5) file for a divorce

In the meantime document -- document -- document!!!!!! Write down his bad behavior, how much and often he drinks, loses control, stays out all night --dates - times etc.
If he becomes violent -- call the police EVERYTIME.

The more documentation you have the stronger case you have.

Good luck.

For me, if I REALLY wanted out, I would pack my stuff while hubby was at work at take stepmom up on her offer. You can always clean after you get there. And kids are pretty resiliant. Unless the dogs are unsocialized and/or live in the house 24/7, you can deal with some dogs for a short period of time.

Again, if I want out, I get out. Something like some dogs would not stop me. That sounds like you're making up excuses to stay.

If you do decide to stay and save money, it's all about your attitude. You have to get your head in the right place to be able to stay and let his behavior roll off your back. Just keep telling yourself this is only temporary and keep your eye on the prize (moving day). Bite your tongue and just make things as pleasant as you can for yourself and your child.

How would he feel if the roles were reversed ? How would you feel if the roles were reversed ? Why couldn't you go with him as well to this party ?
Have you talked with hubby and he said he thinks because you are a stay at home mom, that makes you less of a person ? Have you had a real heart to heart honest conversation with each other about how you feel, why you both appear to be unhappy ? What made you get together and what has changed ? Have you both taken each other for granted ? Talk to him ,if he's not willing to talk at least give your side of the story without attacking ,belittling, etc. It could open both sets of eyes,.... Best of Luck,
(Noone said anything or anybody worth having, would always be easy,...)
C. S.

You need to initiate a conversation with him letting him know that it's not okay to treat you that way and take advantage of you. He could be cheating on you and making excuses to justify his actions. I've been through this before, fortunately before I was married, but I certainly wouldn't allow it to happen. It takes courage, but he will continue to do it until you say enough is enough. You have every right to be happy. If you are not happy, you need to change your situation. I would see a counselor so you can deal with your depression and maybe they can help you find ways to talk to him and/or find a way to move on without him. I wish you the best and God Bless.

I agree, counseling will help you make steps to move forward in a positive way. Maybe you can help the step mom get her environment up to standards as a balance to stay with her until he sees your serious and counseling is a must before you come back.