I Am Wrong for Pushing Them Away????

When my father died, my mother did not grieve in a healthy way. In all truthfulness I almost had her institutionalized, because of her terrifying and erratic behavior, the way she isolated herself. Even her grief counselor was worried and said she was refusing to find peace.

There is a healthy way to grieve and to preserve memories. Perhaps the mother is not letting you see the grandchildren at this point, because she is trying to create as normal an environment for them, but you are so focused on your sadness that you can't push past that, and it is a scary and unhealthy thing for the little children to see. Which, I'm sure you would agree.

I strongly urge you to seek professional grief counseling. After 7 months of his death, he deserves a burial plot, so that his memory can be shared in that place. His widow and child deserve to go to a place where they can visit him and see his name. I think it is very kind they are waiting on you to help decide, if it was my husband that died and his parents refused to see the reality of the situation, I would go ahead and make those decisions myself.

Yes, it is very hard to lose a child, it is also hard to lose a spouse and a father, so there needs to be some compassion for them as well. Something my mother never gave me.

You will never let go of your Abel. Putting a plot on the burial site and having comfort and joy in life is not letting go of him. It's embracing and honoring his memory. He wouldn't want you to be depressed and incapable of functioning.

I don't think the question here is were you "wrong" to push them away, but rather how to unite as a family that is grieving. You are in a mother's grief and no O. can tell you how long this will be this severe. I do agree that a funeral home can definitely point you in the direction of some free grief counseling, which might really benefit you (and your family). I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through.
But I do feel that you need to reach out to your immediate family: your daughter in law, your grandsons. They will be a comfort to you b/c you all loved the same man so much. Why would your DIL NOT bring the kids to see you any more? Can your daughter drive you there? can you call the DIL and tell her you need her and need to see her and the kids? She's hurting too. Everyone grieves in their pwn way, some publicly, some privately...perhaps placing a headstone for your son is your daughter in law's way of experiencing a little closure. It doesn't mean she's "happy" about it, but it is a task that should be done.
God bless.

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You are not wrong because you are doing what you feel like doing, doing what you need to do to get through the day. But you also must realize by your actions, it's like your daughter in law lost a mother in law too when you do not visit her and her kids. It's like she lost two people. Of course it's going to be hard on you, but I think being around people that love you and being surrounded by little ones will make it easier, maybe. I would explain this to your daughter in law - tell her that it's not her, it's you and it's still very hard to see the kids because it reminds you of your son. But if they do remind you of him, then spend as much time as you can with them, praise them, spoil them, give them the kisses and hugs that you cannot give to your son any longer. He is a part of them and I'm sure he's looking down from heaven right now wishing you weren't in so much pain and wishing there was something he could do to take away or ease the pain.

I suggest talking with someone too. Depression and sadness are a part of death, so it's understandable, but if you cannot do daily things like you used to or it's interferring with your ability to have a regular relationship with family members, it may be time to talk wtih someone, or possibly start some depression medication.

I feel for you and wish your pain away. Just don't forget that although your son is gone, he's not forgotten. You have two grandchildren who are living on BECAUSE of him - so go visit them, and it's okay if you cry when you see them. Just be sure to hug and kiss them lots!

Everyone grieves in their own particular way. I know how hard it hurts to lose someone you love. The pain will never completely go away but it will lessen in time. In the interim, I would suggest that you seek out some counseling. Do you have a priest that you can talk to about your feelings of grief? When you are going through something like this, sometimes family may or may not be a good shoulder to lean. Because they are going through thier own process of greif and maybe handling it differently, it would probably be better for you to find someone who has training in this area and that can be more objective about how you are feeling and why. I think it is perfectly natural for you to still feel very sad about your loss but I wouldn't want to you to be feeling this way forever. It's no way to live and there are so many people in your life now that do need your care and attention. I'd just like to see you be able to find a healthy balance sometime soon.

Sending you prayers of strength and clarity.

What would your Abel tell you if he was here? I don't know either of you, but I don't think he would want you to push away your family and cry all the time. I think that for him, your family and yourself you need to talk to your doctor. It sounds like you are suffering from depression. My sister-in-law went through the same thing after a death, only she turned to drugs instead of her doctor. It took her years to get back on track. Do you really want to loose years with your family? Please, call your doctor today. If you need to be treated for depression, remember it is short term and if one of the medications doesn't suit you, there are others to try, but you need help in dealing with your lose.
I will pray for you to find the strength and courage you need.

That must be your son Abel in your photo. He looks like a great guy. I'm so sorry for your loss. It IS a nightmare, and I don't know how to tell you to wake up from it.

Remember, your daughter-in-law lost him, too. And your daughter is also sad, I am sure. They are also feeling pain. Your daughter-in-law also has a right to decide on the tombstone, because she and her sons will want to visit the grave too. Make up with your daughter-in-law. The only thing you can do now is find your son in your sweet grandchildren. He is still alive in them.

My heart aches for you. You weren't wrong for telling your daughter you didn't want to see or talk about the tombstone. It's still just too difficult. Grieving is a very individual process, everyone does it differently. I do, however, really think you would benefit from a grief counselor. The pain of your loss will always be there but having a counselor may help you. I am very sorry for your loss.

S., I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I hear your pain. I agree that seeing a grief counselor would be a good idea. The pain you carry is deep and it's real, but trying to carry that burden alone is a heavy weight to bare. We're here to help and support one another and I hope you do heed the advice to seek out someone who can help you through your pain.

You are the only one who can truly release yourself from the pain, where you can love and cherish the wonderful child Abel was and celebrate his life without the pain overwhelming you. And someone out there is waiting to help you do that. A counselor, a minister perhaps.

Best to you S.. I wish you well and hope soon you will find someone to help ease your load.

no it is not wrong to push them away you deal in your own time own way and there is no right or wrong. this is what I jtold my step son when his brother died. I am sorry for your loss and find a support group. my prayers are with you.

I too am wondering why your daughter-in-law will not bring your grandkids to see you anymore. Did you fight? Does she feel like your grief is going to be damaging to them? I don't know how to give advice without knowing these things. I am very sorry for your loss, and you will grieve as long you need to. Try not to let your grief overcome you to the point you no longer have a relationship with your other children.

S. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is something no parent should ever have to endure. I know it is difficult but also remember that it is difficult for DIL. She has your sons kids and now she has to raise them alone and I am sure they remind her of him daily. She probably wanted to show you the tombstone to let you have an opinion and in her way show her respect for your son by marking his grave. Her not bringing the kids, not sure why, but maybe she does feel you are pushing her away, maybe not intentionally, and she wants to push back because she is in pain too. Could you speak to her and tell her why you can't deal with the tombstone now and that although you are grieving and she is as well, that if she brings the kids over it will ease your pain some and maybe you two can have a heart to heart when she comes over? When I read your 1st post about your son I could feel your pain through your words and this post is no different. Please get yourself to a parents who lost their children support group you need to express your self to people who have been in your shoes. Then and only then can you begin to heal. Abel will always be your son, you will always love him, and remember him. And since your love was so great I would think he loved you as deep and he would want you to go on with your life and be there for his kids, wouldn't he? I hope you can find comfort soon.

Okay, I'll tell you as the daughter of a "lost" brother. She is hurting, too, and she is helping herself and you by concerning herself with the practical logistics of it all. Distance yourself if you need that...but not for too long. Be selfish if necessary, but also consider that she has suffered a great loss, too, and might want to share some moments with you. Share in the ones you can bear. For others, use your words to tell her that you are just not up to it.

Absolutely see a grief counselor. We are certainly here to support you, but you are need of some practical tools that a professional can best provide and oversee.

My heart goes out to you.

S. I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray that God is with you durring this time. If you trust your daughter wont get something tacky for him ask her to take care of it for you. A marker for him would be very nice and not neglected. Friends and family that want to visit him can find him easier. You can place flowers there, visit him. You are not wrong to take the time to morn him. The first year for anone that has lost a loved one is very hard. Over time it gets easier to wake up and live for that day. If it is consuming you every waking moment then please ask a doctor to give you something temporary to help you out. Being depressed for that long of a time can start to alter your chemical make up. Making it harder to get out of the depression.

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S., it must be so hard to lose a son - I can't even imagine. How you handle loss is unique to you. Because I am a very positive person, I want to be happy all the time. If I were in your shoes, I would have to do something to bring joy in my life instead of dwelling in the pain.

When you are ready, start to think of how your son would want you to honor his life. I don't think he would want you to be dwelling on the pain at such great length. Are you shutting other people out of your life because they are choosing to live life instead of live death? I think that would be hard for you to see people around you going on with life.

There is a reason that you are still on this earth. The best thing we can do is to bring joy to other people's lives. Our family members need us to support them and make their lives worth living. Do you feel guilty if you laugh or smile? Do you think that you are dishonoring Abel's death if you have fun in your life? I think the opposite is true.

Each day, give yourself some time to grieve but then go out and live your life. Put a timer on if you have to. It is healthy to give yourself time to grieve but it is not healthy to make it your whole existence and shut out the joy that life has for us.

Go and look at the pics of the tombstone and see what thought was put into that particular stone. Most people have something special on the stone. How nice that your daughter wanted to include you and see your thoughts.

Also, try to think of some fun memories you had with Abel as he was growing up. What did he do that made you laugh or smile? Tell those stories to your daughter-in-law so she can have them to tell your grandkids as they grow up. Mend the relationship with her. Nobody wants to be told that their place is a mess. It must be hard for her to keep things neat with two babies and grieving as well. Tell her that you weren't thinking and how sorry you are. Blame it on your grief and ask how she is doing. Ask about the babies. Be as supportive as you can. Even if you have to kiss up to her, it will be worth it to see your grandkids. The nicer we are to people, the nicer they will be in return. You can have a good relationship with her again.

Your grandkids can bring back memories of Abel at that age. Enjoy those memories. I know his life meant something to you. If you enjoy those memories now, it's like reminding you how valuable his life was while he was here and it wasn't a wasted life.

I wouldn't worry about your nephew and your daughter-in-law. They are grieving as well and must need each other. Always assume the best. Tell yourself it is the best thing for them right now to be good friends and let it be. Be the kind of supportive mother-in-law that you would want to have around. Then you can be the kind of grandma you would like to be!

It is going to mean taking you out of your comfort zone but the more meaning you can give to the lives of others, the more meaning you will have in yours.