I Am a Stepmother with No Kids of My Own Yet, I Need Help!!!!

You may never get him to change his mind but LET HIM be the one to deal with the 4 year old's crankiness.
Ask him to try maybe a week or two of early bedtime and see if there is a difference.

Oh, my! I have a 2-year-old and a 6-year-old and they both go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00. I know it is healthy for them, but I need it for MY sake. I need the few minutes to unwind and gather my thoughts of the day. Plus it makes it much easier to watch a movie with over a PG rating or to have "quality time" with hubby! Perhaps if you present it to him in that you will be more rested since it isn't such a morning struggle, that it will actually benefit him too.

How long ago is "recently"? And why was there a custody transfer? It sounds like the poor kid must be going through one hell of a transition, and would be somewhat difficult no matter what time he goes to bed or gets up, just because his life has just had a major upset. Or he may just not be a morning person - no matter how early she goes to bed, my teenager has difficulty waking up in the morning.
You could play hardball and tell your husband that if he is not going to insist that the child go to bed, then he can take full responsibility for gettting him up, fed, and dressed in the morning.
One of the things that you have to understand is that your husband is this kid's father, and if the battles get to the point that it comes to a choice between you and the kid, the kid will win, which is as it should be. When kids enter the picture, parents do lose much of their "couple time." Sounds like differences in parenting philosophies are something you guys need to resolve before you have kids of your own.
One of the things that my ex never seemed to get through his head (and one of several reasons that he is now my ex) is that if the parent and the step-parent cannot come to an agreement regarding the children, the parent's wishes win by default.

I put my 3 year old down for bed at 8. And most morning she is still a grumpy little person to contend with. At that age they need a schedule for the most part. Remember though that this is probably a huge transition for this child and it will probably take a while to get a good schedule and to get everyone to agree. Just remember to stay calm and try to talk it out, maybe try compromising on it. Say that he can stay up for two weeks that way, and then for the next two weeks he has to be in bed at 8. Then see what was more pleasant and maybe then he would agree to a better bed time.

Good Luck

Lois
http://www.setxcandles.scent-team.com/

I had 2 step children before I had my own and it was a challenge. If I were you I would have a serious talk with the father. Let him know that you are adjusting to this new change just as the child is. A schedule is a very important thing for children. Also you deserve "your" time in the evenigs. 8:30 is not at all out of line. My kids are 6, 8, 11 and I put them to bed at 8. on weekends they get to stay up later but usually not past 11. It is difficult with them not being "your" children and I don't know how long you have had custody but the sooner you get some sound structure the better for you all. I have found that parents have to work together and find happy mediums. Respect from the children and your husband will be the key to your answers. I wish you the best of luck and in time it will get easier.

Maybe print out some internet material on how children need more sleep than we think they do and go to his next well visit so you can ask the pediatrician how much sleep she recommends for hsi age. If he's got any behavior problems, a lack of sleep can definately contribute as well. Also, you could ask him to give your bedtime a chance for 2-3 nights and let him see how much easier the mornings are.
I agree that if your hubby insists on the late bedtime, he should deal with the cranky son!
Good luck!

hi my name is J.,I am 22, I have a 2 year old daughter and one on the way, I also have a 9,8 and 5 year old step daughters and a 6 year old step son, I know what u are going through, my husband and i have had our share of diffrences of oppion on the children, I finaly had to sit him down one day and explane to him that by him telling them thay can do thing that I say no to and the other way around was teaching the children that they did not have to listen to me and behave for me which made it really hard because he works 12 hours a day running our buisness by his self so I can be a at home mom, and that by him doing that I was staying stressed all day because i was constantly having to get onto them, I had to ezplane to him that by him undermining me with the rules i sat for the children he was making it harder on every one because they did not think they had to listen to me so there for i was havignto hand out harsher punnishment to make them behave and by the time he got home from work I was pulling my hair out and the kids were running up to him complaning that i was getting on to them and asking if they really had to do what I said he never got to come home and sit and relax because as soon as he got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and the kids wee acting very bad because they thought they could act how ever they wanted, we have had many fights over the children including the bed time but now that I have sat him down and explaned to him the reasons why it was not good for him to have the children thinking they didnt have to listen to me alot of problems have been solved including the younger ones going to bed between 8-8:30, I know it may sound corny but my best advice is comunacation, I hope this helps but if It dont Im sorry.

S.,

I can understand what you might be going through.
May be you can talk to the daycare where your son stays during the day. They can introduce him to some books or talk about going to bed on time. You can also ask them not to give him a nap during the day so that he is tired enough to sleep early. During the weekends you can try the same yourself.

Hope this helps.
A.

Hi S.,

The good news is you probably won't have to play the role of the bad guy. I assure you, eventually his teacher will comment on either him being grumpy in class, sleeping in class or something to the effect that he is not getting enough rest.

I am sure that the transition is a difficult one for the child, but the behaviors we put in to place early on are the ones they will come to expect for the rest of their lives.

It is always easy to discipline firmly and have strict rules and ease up as time goes on.... But it is difficult to runa loose ship and suddenly try to tighten it up!

I wish you the best!

Yes! by all means a 4 year old that needs to be up by 5am should be in bed no later than 8.... 9-11 hours of sleep a night are essential, not only for a more well behaved child but for a healthier, smarter, and more energetic child!
A full night's sleep ensures that a growing child has the brain power to listen in class and to retain what they've heard... people also fight off a good bit of the infections and viruses you come in contact with every day in their sleep. If your husband doesn't want to listen to reasoning from you then maybe you should make him go with you to your step-son's next doctor's appt and let the doctor tell him the importance of a full night's sleep for a child. If your husband is willing to help you and to back you up when you say it's bedtime then by all means it will get better; eventually your step-son will get used to his new bedtime and it won't be a fight. Good luck to you!!

I have three stepchildren and have found that it is always hard but try explaning to your husband that not only is it trying on your relationship but can be harmful to your childs development.

Hi S.,
I know what you mean when you say "you cannot make your husband understand about your 4yr old's bed time". Take it from me, when we first got custody of his youngest son who was older than your's it was at first tough. But let me tell you, in time things did get better.
I wanted to let you know that you are very right about the boy needing to go to bed between 8:00 and 8:30. They are very young and must have at least a good 8hrs or more night sleep.
However, this also could be a way for the 4 yr old to be dealing with the change of things. But you could start out with talking with your husband and making him see that even though your 4 yr old is getting up in the morning that they are grouchy plus the fact that the two of you do not have the time you need to spend alone any more.
Ask him to at least try it your way for at least a month and see if things for the 4 yr old does not improve and the time with each other will also improve.
Your husband just might not be aware that it is affecting you like this nor the 4 yr old.
After all, he is the "Dad" and Dad's look to us "Moms" to handle it all. :)
Good luck, let me know how it goes.

I am with you on the 8:00 bed time. I have three children of my own and though I am only 27 I have been with my husband for 15 years. We have an 11, 9, and 3 year old. Babies need their sleep to grow and it is just as important so they wake up happy and refreshed. I cannot tell you if it will get better I am blessed with the best husband. Just put his four year old to sleep and explain that once he/she is asleep you two can spend time "together". Usually if you do that a couple of days and make it worth it for him he will be on your side and after that you will not have any problems getting that 4 yr old to bed because that 8:00 schedule will already be programmed and he/she will fall asleep more easily.

Oh my goodness!! I have a 3, 6, and 7 year old and they all go to bed between 8:00-8:30 on weeknights and on weekends they get to stay up till around 9:00-9:30. Kids need a regular bedtime so they can get up in the morning and be rested and not wake up tired and grouchy. Your husband obviously doesn't believe in that. I would talk to him and ask him if ya'll could just give it a try for a week or two and see how things go. Maybe he will realize that it is better for them and for ya'll. Ya'll will beable to have alone time together at night and not have to worry about kids and when they will go to bed. He needs to realize that kids need routines and rules and if they don't have them then they don't feel secure. Just talk to him again and good luck!!

I'm sure the reason the little one is grouchy is because he/she didn't get enough sleep!! Children should sleep 9-12 hours each night starting at three months. My 7-month old goes to bed at 8:30pm and wakes up at 7:30am because I put her on a schedule and stuck to it. These children should go to bed between 8 and 8:30pm because everyone's day starts so early. That's what time my mom put all of us to bed and we usually had to get up at 5:30am. My advice to you is put those sleep-deprived kids to bed at 8:30 and just ignore what your husband says, its good that he wants to spend time with his kids, but they need their sleep. It may be really hard at first because they'll be used to staying up later and will probably fuss and your husband will probably be on you to let them stay up but you stick to your guns. Once they start going to bed earlier, waking up happier with a much more pleasant demeanor during the day, and you and your husband have some alone time at night after the kids go to bed (which will definitely help your marriage!) Your husband will thank you and wish you had done it sooner! Explain to him that this is mostly about the kids and their well-being, and you both need a break at the end of the day! Hope everything works out!

It sounds like your biggest contender is dad. Maybe you could negotiate a schedule with him on the nights that tyke goes to bed at 8 and the nights he can stay up. You can do this on a week to week basis based on your upcoming week plans. If you do this for a while I bet dad will see that little tyke is much nicer in the morning and easier to deal with and then you can let it be dad's idea for bed time. You also must understand that if there has been a custody change, dad may be feeling some guilt (whether justified or not) regarding this forced change so he may be "making it up" to the little guy. Hopefull this will fade as the family melds together and you make the necessary changes in your life. If this child has been in a bad situation and most custody changes are the result of bad situations, then you AND dad need to take control of the house NOW. Rules need to be in place written so everyone can see and consistently enforced so he knows what will happen when he steps out of line will be in line with what you two believe in and teach him.
As to imparting knowledge to reluctant dads here is a trick I learned from my mom. I have taught many people how to use this trick I updated from my growing up years (remember, no internet then). Now I tell people to print articles about the topic and then leave them laying around where dad can find them. Highlight a thing or two, make notes in the margin and if you "catch" dad reading it, just simply state "that's an interesting article I started reading on the health benefits of adequate sleep for preschoolers. When you get done, can I finish it? Maybe I can learn better how to parent him with your help and educating myself." Something sounding natural and makes him sound like the expert (cause they all love that, it makes them feel "big and important") Start with one article a week then gradually you can increase or decrease them as the need arises. Or let him see you reading something and ask him his opinion about something you read. After all, he is the "parenting expert" in the house. Pick his brain, get him talking about it. With a 4 year old you may have to use a lot of pictures with your schedule unless he reads but coloring books have great ones if you can use. Until he learns them you can review them before the even occurs. "Tommy, let's look at our schedule for tonight. At 8 you have to get ready for bed and be in bed by 830." This way, you have done what is called preloading to let the child know what will happen and when. Then you can give him points for getting ready to be in his room by 8 that he can use to earn a treat with dad to Sonic for ice cream or some time with Step mom to do arts and crafts on Saturday. Dad may fuss in the beginning but if you can talk him in to committing 2 months to this project and then you can re evaluate if its not working (but I bet it will be) My son loves to collect tickets. I bought them at Office Depot for a few bucks and he has a glass goldfish bowl that he keeps them in so he can "buy" something at the Mom store.

Good luck,
Get dad to try it for two months (honestly working with children is 99% working with the adults that are around the child :)
C.

Hey S.,
I too am a step-mom of 1 with no kids of my own. Which one of you gets him dressed and ready and fed in the morning to go? if it's you then I would suggest that you try a role reversal with your husband and have him get his son ready in the morning so that he can see for himself how grouchy he can be when gets up. We have a 14 yr old whom I homeschool and she has a bedtime of no later than 10 pm. Children have to have boundaries and guidelines to abide by. Also, try this as well...Tell him that you need to some alone time with him or just for yourself in the evening...if the 4 yr old is up until yall go to bed when do yall have time for each other? or for yourselves? Everyone needs that wind down time each night. I know I do. Good Luck!