Husband Relocated Without Us

I would tell him to find a new job closer to home that pays less- I mean after all, he is spending money for a new apartment, money on casinos gambling, and you'll be spending gas money driving back and forth to see him, or if he drives to see you.

He's a father to the kids and needs to act like one. That's leaving aside the fact that he's not being a very good husband either if he's not hearing how you feel about all of this.

:(
M.

S.,

Every case is different and no one knows details except for you but, unfortunately I went through the exact same 5 years ago. Long story short, my husband got himself a totally separate life from us to the point that he ended up with someone else. I have been divorced for five years now and I know that it is hard to be a single mom, but it was harder to be a single mom when married ... I had all the responsability of taking care of the house, the kid and I was also working full time.
I would talk with him and set timelines to moving back together; if he agrees then stick to it and force him to visit as often as possible but over all do not let him feel confortable with his situation for a long time.
Hope everything works at the end

Have you 2 talked about the whole family moving with him?? My husband doesn't make any decisions without OKing it with me several times...like joining the Navy with 2 children and 1 on the way. We've never had issues like this, so I don't really know if moving with him would be an option, but if you can, it might solve the problem.

Man, S., this is not normal for a family. Maybe you need to point that out to him. I mean, families stick together. They don't go out and get their own apartment and move 3 hours away. You and your children deserve better than that. If I were you, I would say "When are we going to start house hunting there?" and see what he says. I would also ask him what realtor he thinks that you should list your house with. See how he reacts to those questions. Because if he acts like you guys are seriously going to live like this, than he needs to go ahead and file for divorce. Because he's setting himself up to live the single life again, and before you know it, all the other aspects of the single life will follow. You guys have been together since high school, that's one sign that he's got bad intentions. High school sweethearts work, I'm not saying they don't, but he never had the chance to live the "single life". I know that my husband's friends that got married to their high school sweetheart are terrible husbands and totally take advantage of their wives. Don't let yourself become "that kind of wife". Just remember that no matter how long you've been with him, you deserve to live a normal happy family life. If he thinks that it's okay to live a double life, than let him go. If you don't, you're going to end up getting hurt in the long run. You also don't want your children to grow up thinking that it's okay for a family to live separately.

Not to be mean but your husband sounds like a real jerk. Does he not understand how hard it is to work full time and raise 3 children. Shame on him for even taking a job so far from his family. He says he loves his family but actions speak louder than words!!!! You are at home busting your butt taking care of EVERYTHING and your husband, who loves his family so much, is looking for casinos and places to fish??? Sounds like he is liking his new life, in his new apartment with basically no responsibility. Shame on him for even suggesting you pack up three kids, find someone to watch the dogs and the bird and drive 3 hours to see him. He needs to get his priorities straight and get his butt home and visit his family. I am sorry if I am being brutal but it angers me to see men who put there families second.

S.,
I think it depends on if you were risking losing the house and this was the only way to keep a decent roof over your family's heads, but it sounds like he's pleased with the situation of having the separation by his bragging on having time to have his own place and do his own thing. On the other hand, my hubbie loves to go for a weekend of fishing but calls me when he gets there, totally misses the kids and me and goes with either a guy friend that I know well or his dad. He takes pictures of him catching fish on his cell phone and he loooves fishing. But then he offers that I go away overnight, either to visit my brother in AZ, for example or just a day out to hang out with the girls. His parents have had separate vacations, and together vacations and it has been great for there marriage of almost 50 years. But having separate living arangements with no idea, no parameters on when you're getting back together to live together again as an actual family unit would be a deal breaker for me. I think that I would take Julie's advice and ask him what realtor he's using where he is to locate a family house and tell him, that you've started working with xyz realty company in your town to get your house sold. Could you easily find a job where he's located? Would you want your family to move where he's located? Are there good schools, family anywhere nearby? If so, even if you end up getting a divorce, then your kids could live close enough to their dad to see them. I'd say, it doesnt sound fair, like he checked out and left it all for you to deal with. But at the same time, maybe his intentions aren't all that bad. Or maybe he is having a midlife crisis, coupled with financial difficulties and the responsibilities of everything combined seem too much. If this is the case then you need to stay on top of things and talk to him about listing your house and finding one there. Maybe, selling your home and renting in his town? He could be totally stressed out too, but is not talking to you about it which of course isnt fair to you but that's how a lot of men deal with too much stress. Good luck to you! I hope you stick it out for a while and do your best to help relocate your family, find a new job.....your kids need their parents together - how stressful for them!

I seriously agree with M R! OMG, I don't know how you stay calm, and maybe you're not but I would be totally, completely livid. I have not been in a situation like this in a marriage but I can promise that no woman in my family would ever contend with something like this, including myself.

I have, however, been in situations like this with men I've dated and a few more times than I choose to remember (darn brain). Honesty by surprise is a shame to have to do but very effective. I would say that yes, this situation is in a pretty bad place. Just M R said, he's married for God sakes, you shouldn't have to remind him that he's got a family at home. He should be going out of his way to be there whenever possible, amoungst other things like ditching the job and if working at Wal-Mart is what it takes then he should be willing to do it.

I would find someone to come to your house to take care of your children such as your sister and drive to his residence and surprise him, "Hi honey, it's me, your wife!" Just show up on his door step and see what happens. Preferably in the evening or at night since this is when things usually are more interesting. If he's not there, then wait for him and keep waiting until he shows up. God forbid something's going on but you may find out what his real intentions are which I personally would rather know the truth than live in fear of the unknown.

I don't mean to sound harsh and I really am sorry you're in this situation but he's doing this because he knows he can. He probably doesn't think you'll 1) stand up to him, 2) do anything about it or 3) he knows your children mean enough to you that you probably wouldn't cause too much of a ruckus over it for their sakes.

You're probably too nice for your own good. Seriously S., get a pair and show him you're not going to put up with this. He needs to be a husband and a father, period.

God bless you and good luck.

Hi S.,
I am almost is the same boat. My husband took a job 3 1/2 hours away and he too is in an apartment. I have a full time job, two kids and a dog. The only difference is that my house is up for sale and I hope to sell it soon. I would question your husband as the person below stated. You need to see how he responds. The house should have been put up for sale once he found out that he got the job. Since it is not, I would think there is another reason why he hasn't done it. There is no excuse as to why he can't come and visit on weekends. His employer should know his circumstances and be more lineate. Otherwise he needs to find a job back where you live. You are stuck at home to take care of the house, kids and pets. That is unfair to you. While he is out having fun and living on is own. You are in a tuff situation and need to consider what is good for you and unfortunately that might end up in divorce if he doesn't change. Good luck I know it’s hard on you and the kids and I hope he turns around.

Wow, I feel like someone needs to back your husband just a little. I'm sorry you have to be going through this and it sounds like your "gut" is telling you what could very well be happening here, but if I may, let me tell you about my experience.

A few years ago we were in a similar position. My husband is a brick layer and there wasn't any decent work where we live because it's a "who you know" sort of trade and no one knew him where we lived.

He moved to his hometown 4 hours away where his name is household so that he could get a better job. He worked sometimes 12 hours a day, in the heat, and sent most of his paycheck home, keeping just enough for food and an occasional golf game.

He drove home every other weekend, giving him a weekend to relax, and then we moved down there with him after a couple of months. Although there were times I could have suspected something, I had faith in my husband, and as it turned out, he was just much too busy to be doing anything shady.

You're married to your high school sweetheart, which in my experience with friends who married right out of highschool, there's not a lot of time to explore other things, ie. other people, the single life, and what not. This can lead people to feel resentful after so many years, but not always.

You do need to talk to him, but please, for your family, give him the benefit of doubt and really listen to him too. Just tell him everything you've told all of us, without accusing him of anything. Tell him how hard it is for you because you love him so much and you're afraid of losing him. And make sure he knows you're not coming down on him - men will get defensive pretty quickly - even when they've done nothing wrong!

If you attack him, it won't matter if he's up to something or not. Your marriage could blow up for nothing. Love is patient and kind, so that much you've got right. Until you have proof of wrong doing, don't risk losing those 11 years over your suspicions, however right they might turn out to be.

Someone suggested a surprise visit and I think that's a great idea! If you can manage someone to watch your kids for one night, or even a day, take of a day from work or go on a weekend, whatever you can manage. Don't "spy" on him but dropping in unannounced will give you a more accurate feel for what's going on. You can see how he's living and you can gauge his reaction to you showing up unexpectedly.

Just don't call a divorce lawyer before the two of you have really had a chance to get through this.

S.,

I felt for you when I read your post. After reading the other posts, I would caution you not to jump to conclusions. You said you love working where you are and that you think you should stay where you are so as not to disrupt your kids' lives. I have to ask you - did you tell your husband you did not want to move?
Most decent employers will include relocation assistance for the entire family with their offer when needed. Also, a lot of professional consultants work away from home where an employer will pay for their apartment until the contract is finished - but most travel home at least every other weekend. I don't know if any of this applies in your case, but I guess you might want to ask yourself if your marriage is strong enough to endure this, apparently your husband thinks so. I trust you will keep a positive outlook and believe it will work out. There are lots of couples who get along just great because one of them travels or is away a lot of the time. That being said, you might need to get some outside care for your children so you have time to yourself too (women like to go fishing too y'know) :-D cheers, hang in there.

I'm so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your husband is taking this opportunity to "relive" his youth. Leaving you with the responsibility to raise your family. I realize he needed to find work - but this area is loaded with things you can do to earn a living. You didn't mention what he is doing so it's hard to know what line of work he's pursuing... I think you need to seek counceling as this is not heading in a direction that sounds good. Being on call 24/7 is not something he should have agreed to knowing he has family commitments & would need to fulfill those at minimum every weekend. 3 hours away is not to far - but with you having a house full of kids/animals - I don't see how you're going to be able to make the commute & then where will you all stay - in his apartment? He's being very selfish & not putting his family first (even though he may have convinced himself he is by "getting a job").... Don't doubt your feelings here - you're right to be upset & concerned about his actions. Woman have an incredible sense for things - we need to trust it more. You've got a lot at stake here - you need to try & get some help before it completely derails. good luck.

This is a rough situation all around, for you, the kids and for your husband. But, you have to be straight with us if you want good advice. You've given partial facts, here. First, sounds like he took a job without discussing it with you ahead of time? How would you have agreed to this lopsided relationship. You had to find out things from emails HE didn't even show you? What's up with that? HE wants YOU to visit? He's by himself. Why doesn't HE get in the car, take a long week end and come to see you and HIS children. You two didn't arrange the visitng plans in advance? You're confused? Why? Didn't you talk about all of this? I'm confused. Sounds like there have been problems and lack of communication for a very long time. Either you're missing what's right in front of your face, or you just forgot to tell us the rest of the story. Your husband doesn't want to be at home. Only the two of you know why.

Oh my goodness, S., my heart is just breaking for you. What an awful situation. While your husband's comments sound like that of a man who is confused about life, I would encourage you to continue your life with the idea that things will work out but be realistic. Men don't seem to have as much of a bond with their children and so it's typically easier for them to break free. Given this situation, he is already out of the house. Maybe once he gets his confidence back, he will start looking for a job closer to home.

I can't imagine what you must be going through. If you need to vent, I am here.

Good luck and best wishes for all of you.
N.

Hi S. O:

Your description of your situation strikes me as being confusing, in part because some of the elements of the story are contradictory. At the very least, it strikes me as odd that someone's life partner would just move out without telling his or her partner.

Because of your description, and I emphasize that: your description I am hesitant to rush in with 'advice', because I don't know the whole story, and it appears that you are feeling in the dark a bit too. That you don't think you know thie whole story.

At base, it appears that you and your husband are not fully communicating to each other about very important issues.

Lack of communication is typically the core of most couple issues...and that lack can be addressed by the couple themselves or if that fails, by seeking the help of couple's therapist.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
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Well, I think this is a decision you should have made together.

Were you at risk of losing your house soon? Were you behind in bills? If, not then I would be upset to.

It seems like he wants you to handle all the burden on your own. I think he should try and make the effort and visit you as well.

Good Luck.

This one is tough. It sounds like he is going to enjoy being away, maybe wants a touch of the single life again. The only problem is that he isn't single. My husband is also on call 24/7 but that is only about 1 week every 2 months. I don't know if a job actually exists that would require you to be on call 24/7 at all times. You would not have a life. Give him some time away, let him have his fun. If he doesn't come around you have to take matters into your own hands. Maybe on a time when school is not in session, make plans to kennel the dogs (if it's impossible to take them with you), and take yourself and the kids to surprise him. There should be absolutely no problem with you going there unannounced. Maybe he is telling the truth and the job will keep him that busy but, we as females, can't help but wonder. We have a sixth sense that starts going off when things don't seem right. Don't doubt your feelings. What type of work is he doing now....... Another option is if his job is truly long-term and he plans on making this his permanent, then the entire family moves. My husband is the main provider for our family. If he lost his job and another opportunity came up that far away, then we would move as a family. The house would be put up for sale and we'd start looking for a new place to live closer to his job. Moves aren't fun but if it's for the good of the family and he truly wants all of you to be together, then there shouldn' be a problem with it. If he has a major problem with this, then I'm afraid there are deeper issues there and you have to make a decision for your family. Good luck.

You need to find a sitter and show up at his place UNANNOUNCED for a weekend. Tell him you've missed him and wanted to surprise him, then tell him you can't live without him anymore and that you want to move to where he is. See what his reaction is. I hate to say this, but based on everything you've said he is not acting like a married man and is looking for an escape. If fishing is the only reason he wanted to leave that's a poor excuse. Fishing can be a fun family activity. My husband and I go all the time and frequently take my son along as well. He NEVER asks to go alone even though I wouldn't mind if he did. Call your husband's bluff and find out what is really going on. Please keep me posted. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

You didn't state what field of work your husband is in, so it's hard to say whether or not it would even be logical to be on call 24/7. In my experience, no one is on call for that long. It may be the person works 40 hours that week and for the weekend is on call, but the following weekend, he will not be on call. I would question that.

I agree that you should pay him a few surprise visits. Don't take the kids. Simply because they don't need to witness anything that kids shouldn't witness. If he's doing something on the side, they don't need to know this. If he's not and you guys start arguing, they don't need to see that, either. If you are going to take the kids, let him know that you will be there and the day/time. The kids need to see him.

As for the comment in email about relocating, I have to say that it could just be because he wanted a job. I know as an employer, hiring a potential candidate who stated, "Well, I could relocated, but I really don't want to" would be considered AFTER someone who said, "I could relocate, and I am actually looking forward to it." So, that in itself doesn't mean much. I would, however, question his enthusiasm for gambling and fishing. I mean, if he's on call that much, where would he find the time? Although, sometimes when someone is hesitant to leave a situation, they try to look on the "bright side" of things. It could be that he's just trying to "pump" himself for not being with his family and what he's telling you is actually how he feels. It could be that he's on call all the time for x amount of weeks for whatever reason.

It all comes down to communication. You're both missing the boat on it. There are too many "unknowns" on both sides of the pond and you're driving yourself crazy by trying to fill in the blanks with more unknowns.

I think you both need some counseling. You checking his email shows a lack of trust...and honestly, you don't "not trust" someone for no reason.

Take it one step at a time. Go visit him, talk with him and listen to what he's saying...both verbally and non-verbally, and get your situation all squared away. I hope it all works out the way it's best for you and your kids.

Your husband sounds like he either has his priorities mixed up or something's going on-on the side. I would suggest putting the house up for sale and having the whole family live together. There's no way a family should be separated just so you don't lose a house. A house is simply a roof over your heads. Nothing more. Family is the heart of the home, and you don't have one right now if you're heart is with your husband and you feel left behind.

Ok, whoa! I read this in disbelief. I think you are getting a very raw deal. First of all, why wouldn't you relocate with your husband. That to me is just insane. Now you are also paying rent and a whole other set of utilities. I'm sure will all that expense, you could have gone with him and quit your job until you found something else. To be perfectly honest, it sounds to me like he is trying to break away. If he doesn't even try to find the time to visit on the weekend, and is going to casinos, and fishing spots,I can gaurentee that his priorities are not in the right order. I think he is being selfish, leaving you to bare all, when he is doing God knows what! I think your kids will be less effected by a move than a separated family situation. Move with him! That's best for you, your kids, and your marriage!

I think you have four kids. The distance is just helping you see who the other child is. I have had two selfish self-center husbands. It did not take distance for me to know I was all on my own. They only thought about what was important to them.

I agree you should not disrupt your children's lives. I think you need to go for counseling together. If you cannot afford it your church my have trained people as well. You have a hard desicion to make keep being married as it is or divorce him. Do you have a feeling it is just the fishing and other fun or does your instinct say there is another woman? I think it may not be just the fun.

I also know this IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is him!!! Being unemployed does things to people. This my have been in his mind for a long time.

If you need to divorce find a good lawyer. I hope that you do not have to. I never wish that on anyone. I am pretty heartless at a divorce any more. Their loss my gain.

I am sorry you are stuck in the middle of a stressful situation.

Does the new company have a website. Sometimes they discribe the job a people has on the website. I would start checking that he is paying his fair share. I would also check that he is on call. Has he shown you his pay stubs. Can you tell I no longer trust people?

I know this is hard on you but I think I would give him just a bit more time to see where he really is. You can't jump the gun at any kind of motives behind such a move so you have to wait and see what comes next. A reasonable amount of tme will tell what is really going on and you can address it then. Meanwhile, if you are praying person....ask God for wisdom and direction and trust God all the way...regardless as He WILL take care of you!

Sounds like he is wanting out...I have never heard of a marriage surviving separate living arrangements like that. Has he asked you to move with him? Lose the house? If finances are thet bad, how can he afford to pay for both an apartment & a mortgage? I would start asking some very serious questions ASAP!

S., this is a recipe for disaster. The most important thing is to keep your family together. If this is the only job available for him, you should find a job in the same town.

You need to think about what example you are setting for you kids. Marriage takes time, work and support. It would be one thing if the job was temporary, or if he was coming home every weekend. But if that isn't happening, how is this different than a separation? No matter how great your marriage is now, being apart will only give room for problems.

I have seen both my sister and my friend try this "distance" marriage. My friend's was only for 4 months while she allowed her kids to finish the school year. Her husband ended up having an affair during this time and they are now divorced after a 20 year wonderful marriage. My sister's husband moved out of state to try and salvage his business. He came home every weekend. After about 6 months, he told my sister that he was feeling guilty about having a friendship with another woman. They have gone to counseling, and things are fine. But they are working on how my sister can move to be with him sooner.

I hate to be gloom and doom, but I just want you to think this one through.

Good luck!

What you are going through sounds really hard. I'm sorry that you're suffering from this separation.
How about giving up the house? You and your husband didn't marry the house, but each other, and keeping the family together may require some sacrifices. If your husband's job is short term, maybe ask him to look for something else. If the job is long term, perhaps ask him how you can work together for a good solution for your whole family. All the extra stress which the current situation is creating can't be good for your marriage or your family long-term.
I hope that you find a good solution together.

S.,

I could try and find some positive in this message, but to be honest with you. Your husband sounds like he is reliving the bachelor life he was never given and loving it. He is getting his cake and eating it too. It's time to call him on it. He should have either declined that position because it does neglect his family from time with him. Or relocated you too! Or drive the six hours a day to be with his family. Take a look at the big picture too. He tells you it's so you won't lose your house. Well what money are you both saving by him paying rent for an apartment? That, if anything is waisting more income.

You do more than your share with those children and that household. You might want to sit down for a pow wow with your husband and ask him what's going on in his mind that could potentially ruin your marriage. Also good for you in putting your kids first. Just make sure you don't hold your problems with your husband in, and tolerate this situation so it doesn't bother the kids. They can sense tension and they will begin to ask where daddy is and why he is never home.

Always go with your gut instinct if you feel something isn't right. We as humans were given that gift to use. Especially women. We tend to ignore it because there is no physical proof. Just don't make yourself miserable for the sake of keeping the peace around there. You are too valuable to that family. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent, drop me a line. It's sounds like you need someone who understands.

I would not accept that. Tell him to look for a new job near home.

I don't know if you want truth or comfort.... truth... move on. If he was a good support system and partner he wouldn't have snuck around letting prospective employers know he'd be willing to relocate without even speaking to you. That's absurd. (not to mention selfish, immature etc). I realize marriage is a committment so possibly seek professional help first but realize that what i said at the beginning is where you may be headed. The longer you wait in life to try to change what may never be the longer you put off of your own happiness.

Comfort... maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis and needs to find himself. (too bad he couldn't think of the kids while doing that...)

Trying not to be harsh but a mirror...
Josie

I am sorry but I feel you should get therapy together. There is something more obvious thats going on here. Actions speak louder then words. When he is saying you have it easier etc he is not validating your feelings and playing on your guilt.

I don't know the entire story behind this but when he is talking about his own place and he can fish and whatever when he wants it sound like he wants to be by himself. My husband and I have been married almost 12 yrs. now and we have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4. He had a job traveling around the country for a while, but he made a decision to quit that job, come home and find a job where he is home everynight. We didn't see him for months at a time and it started to strain our relationship. He decided that his family was more important than his job and the money he was making. I read your story to my husband and he said that he needs to put you guys first and he needs to either go back there or move you guys there and if he doesn't then the heck with him. His view is that your husband should be putting you and the kids first and not his job. I seem to think there is something fishy going on so you might want to take an unexpected trip out there and see what is really going on or if he is telling the truth about this being on call 24/7. Anyway good luck and I wish you all the best. D.

It really seems like there is something going on here. I would try to have a talk with your hubby. After being married a while and having the responibilities for family, I'm sure he feels like getting away would be great. The only problem is you are left holding down the fort. A family really needs to be together. Perhaps you can take some time and go met him without the kids and talk about what this means for both of you. Have you talked about you quitting your job and relocating?

I really hope you can work something out. Best wishes!