Husband Doesn't Want to Spend Time at Home

1st of all, I don't agree with the person who says that you are blind.

My hubby loves to fish and dirt bike ride. He also does this at like 10 at night when all the kids are asleep and we have had some alone time. Maybe suggest to him that you don't mind if he goes, but you would love to have some family and alone time with him before he goes out.

I also agree with other person who said to see if you and the kids can go with him. Maybe he doesn't ask because he doesn't think you want to. Maybe go to a lake where you and the kids can swim and he can fish. Packign a lunch is nice to do too.

Hi S., I am so sorry you are going through this - I agree that you should see a marriage counselor - that is NOT taboo! It is just a neutral person to listen to both of you to help you work out your problems. No one teaches us how to be great wives and husbands and how to COMMUNICATE with each other. I finally told my husband that we would either get a divorce or go to marriage counseling - it was that easy. We went to marriage counseling - We went to 3 counselors before I found one that I really liked - and we only went to about 8 sessions. If you decide you want to go to one, I could give you her name and phone number.
IF you feel like you don't want to go to counseling - then you need to find a book that will help both of you. Ignoring this problem won't make it go away. You need to fix it. Those boys need their parents.
Also, if you are Christian - I highly highly highly recommend going to Weekend to Remember, a Family Life Conference - it is in June in Ft.Laud. The website is:www.familylife.com/weekend. My husband and I went last year and it was really awesome - It reminds us that our family is the most important and also what our roles are in being a wife and mother AND husband and father! and it brought us closer together - especially since we were working hard at our relationship!
Also - that's great that he has a hobby that he loves - and it's ok that he's not with you every minute of the day. BUT HE needs to recognize that he is neglecting his responsibility as a husband and father - those boys NEED him! It is sooo important that you spend time as a family. But ALSO - YOU need to get out of the house too! He needs to have his bonding time w/the boys while you go out and do something for you. HTH

Hi S.,
I am really sorry for what you are going through. But I tend to agree with Alina who said he seem to be doing more than fishing. FISHING!!! Please! I agree with her to give him a taste of his own medicine and get prepared because you might have to woman up since he won't man up. From reading your letter I also believe that he has lost that loving feeling for you and so the kids suffer too and maybe he don't want to deal with the issue that something is not right with the kids so he leaves you too deal with them on your own. I truly believe that when a man is in love with you he wants to be with you or even just around you while you take care of other stuff around the house not gone all the time. Just like you desire to be with him and spend bonding time with him thats how he should feel at least some of the time. Men crave that emotional and physical bonding especially when they work all the time they usually what to release that tension if you know what I mean but to be gone fishing with his BUDDY all the time just sound way too extreme... You need to wake up girl.

I too suggest that you start lifting your self esteem. Thats your husband so as a christian I do not suggest divorce unless unavoidable but I suggest that you try new ways to get and keep his attention like spending some time pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut/color, look SEXY when you know he is on his way home, try tantalizing him outside the bedroom, maybe you got comfortable and he is now bored with the routine. I say you know him better than any one else. You know how you got his attention years ago so you have to put some effort to win your MAN back. And try not to argue with him about fishing that hasn't worked so try being sweeter about it. WOW him with your womanhood AGAIN. If that doesn't work I say you have lost him for good but again I say DO NOT fight with him be subtle. DO YOU and act like what he is doing doesn't bother you and I bet if he has any ounce of love for you he will start wondering what you are up to. DO YOU!!!

Hi S.,

I was wondering are you all apart of a religious faith, for instance do you attend church? I wanted to suggest that outside of all of us giving youa dvice I think you should pray about this situation before you take any drastic measures. Next, I suggest that you ask you husband about attending counseling because of your feelings behind this situation. Then finally set some deadlines for things to change and if they don't, then you can do this alone.

Perhaps you could do some fishing with him and maybe get a sitter while you all doa activities together. However, you will know when enough is enough. I wish you much success regarding this matter and remember each day sgould be lived like it's our last day.
So have fun with or without your husband and be sure to give those boys the love and attention they deserve no matter what!

Nathalie

Hi S., I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My advice; you have to put yourself FIRST. If you are not happy, your marriage and family will break down. Once you love yourself and happy within, everything else will fall into place. You are going through a difficult time. You left your home and all your friends. This is hard. Now your hubby is working hard and when off wants to fish. It could be his escape from all the stress at home. You said your oldest boy had ADHD. And you think your other 2 boys may have problems. This is hard for a man to deal with. He sees you unhappy as it is so much to do at home, you may voice this to him. You may also voice that you miss your friends and the boys are a handful at times. To a man he just hearing complaining and whining. His way of dealing with it is to escape. Escape could be work, but in your case it is for him to fish. So he is running away from the problem instead of dealing with it. This is easier for him but certainly not for you. Because of this you most likely even complain more, and in his ears all he hears is whine, whine whine. He just wants to get away. Unfortunately your boys suffer as their father is never home. It most likely makes them react even worse which is just harder for you. And you would think a father would like to take his boys fishing? It is such a great sport and bonding time for a father and his sons. This is why I think he just wants to escape.

I am married 17 years and have 4 children. My marriage is not perfect by NO means. We certainly have our problems. I went through a very difficult time about 6 years ago and thank God came out better for it. It actually made my marriage better and what it is today. My husband is not one to help me around the house or with the kids. I do not work but I do EVERYTHING at home. It is just the way it is. I either except it or move on. My friends always ask me how I manage with 4 children on my own, do laundry for 6, cook everyday and keep my house clean all by myself. I manage and I am strong because of it. I think those women out their that have help from their husbands are very lucky. I am not one one them. However I decide to stick with my marriage and make it work. My husband is GREAT in other areas and I love him dearly. Every marriage has it problems. The GRASS is NOT greener somewhere else. I can tell you from experience. EVERY marriage, relationship etc has it problems. Even everyday friendships. You just go from one to a different one. You have to decide where to stay and make that one work.

Do not get me wrong; if you are getting abused or your husband is cheating on you it is time to get out.

Anyway, what I find works for me instead of complaining and whining as men call it is take care of ME!!!. I have accepted my marriage and my husband. I cannot change him. Getting mad just gets me mad and frustrated and ten I end up yelling at the kids and being so unhappy. So I have just accepted. Instead I have gotten a maid once a month to come in and handle to major cleaning. The family clothes are always clean but I never have time to put them away before another load has to be done. So he just has to go through baskets of clean clothes to find underwear. I have stopped cooking everyday. Once, twice a week I call hubby at work and say bring home food. I have eased up things for me. I go out with friends and get a hair cut once a month, do a pedicure. Just take care of me.

Men will not change. Actually NO ONE will change UNLESS they want too. You have to change to make yourself a better, HAPPIER person and then and ONLY then will things around you fall into place. Because I am not so stressed with the household and kids, I am happier and my husband sees this. He wants to be with me and the kids. I think because I have made myself into a person he wants to be around. Not someone unhappy or complaining all the time.

One more more thing. Take care of those boys as if they see you so unhappy they will get even worse and you will have even bigger problems. Men will come and go but your children will be they with you forever.

PS: I moved to Florida 8 years ago. Left my family and all my friends. Only about 4 years later can I say I really settled and made a life for my self. It is hard starting over. If you need a friend (I know me for one can never have enough), feel free to contact me. Lisa

Hi S.,
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard to be the only one working to make a relationship work. I disagree with some of the advice because it doesn't get to the root of the real problem (your husband not being a partner in your relationship or in raising your children). It sounds like he is only there for meals and sleep. Trying to sexy yourself up and join him on the occasional fishing trip is not going to resolve the issue. And once again, it puts the burden on you to try to resolve the issue for him, ,taking any responsibility for his actions out of his hands.
You might want to consider counseling for the 2 of you either with a professional marriage counselor or a clergy person if you and he are more comfortable with that. You need to get to the root of why he is avoiding home, you and his family. If he won't go, then you should go alone to see if someone experienced in these matters can give you advice on how to proceed with the relationship.
Another way to force the issue, while building your own self esteem is to find an outlet for yourself. Join a book club, a yoga class, a mom's night out group, take up knitting, whatever. Just make it a regular activity that gives you a little "you time" for real (not cleaning, bills, errands, etc. that I'm sure you do while the kids are in school) or parenting time with the kids after school (whether it be at the pool, home, library, ect.). You need "you"time just as much as he does. So tell him you've signed up for a yoga class, it meets every Wednesday night at 7pm and he needs to be home by then so that you can go your class.
Good luck.

Hi S.,I was going thru something similar to what your going thru and have tryed so many things to convince him to want to stay home more but my situation was with his Job.
Everything I've tryed had failed and I was feeling the same way you are feeling until one day I decided to put my trust in a higher power which is in Jesus Christ. I started praying to God to help me and to fill me with his love so that I could over come my grief and anger.God heard my prayer and is working in my life, he taught me that I had to make changes in my life first before there can be changes in my husbands life. I learn that putting God first in my life, God then puts everything in it's place, the bible says seek the kingdom of God first and his righousness and everything else shall be added. So now it doesn't bother me much, and when it wants to bother me I start crying out to God and he puts peace in my heart and I can continue to be married to him and love him like God wants me to.If there is any advice I can give you is this, seek the advice of God he is the only person who knows why your husband loves fishing more then being home. Ask God to show you what is in your husbands heart.Ask God to show you what to do about your situation. The bible says if you seek him you will find him, he will never forsake you or leave you, he loves you and your husband remember he gave his life for the both of you, so that you both may have life in him. Marriage is of God and the devil is out to destroy marriage don't let him do that. Cover your heart in God.Remember God is your redemer he is your protector
he is the God who created marriage.I'm sorry if you didn't expect an advice based on the bible, but it's our only way out
when we go thru hurting situations in life God is the only one who can help us.

Hi!

Your sons need their father too. I suggest, at least once in a while that he should take the boys fishing, at least the two older ones with him. They will probably enjoy it and it is an opportunity for him to share with his son.

Dear S.:
I am a very experienced woman, three marriages and two kids. Let me tell you something, you are blind. When a man loves a woman he wants to be with her all the time. My first husband when I was 20 did not wanted to work he was always at the university. I gave him a deadline after 4 years of marriage. Three months to graduate and get a job or its divorce, I was paying all the bills with my work and did't have time for myself, I took care of not getting pregnant. He did not comply and I got a divorce. My second, cheated on me when our son was 3 years old. He was a professor at the university and when I found out that he made it with a lot of his students, I filed for divorce, he was too much and I didn't want to get aids or something else. The third is 12 years older than me and I am still with him, we have been together for 21 years now and he is what I needed, good father, good husband and most important he really loves me.We have a daughter and he raised my 3year old boy. I met him doing excersise at a park, he was a widow. Back to your case, you have three choices. Either you keep your mouth shut and keep on being an unhappy woman, or you stand up to him and say its enough! I want a divorce or give him his own medicine. YES! give him his own medicine. You say you got family, ask someone in your family to take the kids for a night and after your hubby goes to fish, you go to a pub and have fun, invite a girfriend so you have witness you didn't cheated, come home later than him, you got to keep cool on this, he is going to make a fuss of it. When he gets home from fishing you are not going to be home nor the kids. He cannot say your an irresponsible mother because you left your kids with family, he cannot say you are cheating because if he does you are going to tell him these words, ("Me cheating?, like you and your friend fishing? Are you cheating on me with him or somebody else?" I am a young woman and I feel very stressed, I need a life, I need distraction, I need help around the house, which you are not giving. You work and fish all the time and what do I do? Raising my children alone? If you don't like it get used to it, because everytime you go fishing, I am going out too! and if you can't stand it , take care of us or get a divorce if I am a burden to you.") I forgot to ask you if you work, if not get a job and start planning, if you don't have studies I suggest you take short course in something and start planning. If you don't work, don't do what I told you before, because as I see it he does not love you anymore and wants to quit. Men most of them are too coward to leave they do a lot of things to you so that you leave, not him. There is a lot of help from the government for studying, prepare yourself for leaving, study, get a job save some money after you get a job, and leave. You are very young and can find a better husband and a better father for your kids, they don't deserve this, neither you. Get therapy but for yourself. You got to raise that selfsteem, and face it, is over, you waited too long, you should have stopped him the first week he went fishing. And don't tell me you can't leave him because you love him thats bull! how can you love a man that does not spend time with you, wakeup, get a life, I did and I feel very happy. Be brave I know is not easy but you can do it.

I went through the same thing with my husband, he was working nights and sleeping the rest of the time or on his computer......The only thing that kinda worked with him was instead of complaining directly that he wasn't spending anytime with me....I took interest in what he was doing ....maybe you can ask him if you can go fishing with him one day? Or maybe tell your boys that they would like to go with him....at the very least try to get him to spend more time with your kids and then you really get some "alone time" also.......................Also when you talk to him about it try not to whine, etc. Tell him about things he is missing......your kids "events" etc?
Lastly, I am sorry, but noone goes fishing until midnight......you might want to really look into him not being honest with you? When he comes home, does he smell like fish? I am sorry to say that, but it really just doesn't sound quite right.................... Good Luck

Dear S.,
My ex husband did the same thing, except his trips were "he was learning carpentry". To make a long story short, he was having an affair, divorced me and married her. A man deserves time away just as much as the woman, but the man does not get a get out of home free card, without any regard for his childrens or wifes needs. I agree that you should strengthen yourself, build yourself up, become strong so that if he is having an affair you have a plan of survival in place before everything falls apart. Get a job lined up, save money and hide it, build a nest egg for you and your children because if he is having an affair you life will change very quickly, allow yourself this time to make your plan, be strong and know that you deserve more as do your children. If he is not having an affair I would still offer the same advice, empower yourself.
Good luck to you.
R. M.

Hi S.,
Maybe you can suggest a date night? This way it could be alone time without the kids.
I am a mom of 4. three boys 1 girl. My oldest son is 25. He hass ADHD. So I know what you are dealing with. Its hard, but kids with adhd are so smart, and often have hidden talents. My son is an artist. My second son has ADD... without being hyperactive, so double the fun for me. the other two children do not have adhd.
I see you just moved back to florida ... do you have friends in florida that wouldnt mind watching the kids for alittle while so you and your hubby can have alone time? Or get all the kids to sleep alittle early one night? I know how hard that is.
Where do you live in Florida?
write me if you want to chat.
J.
ps.. I moved from NY to florida 6 years ago. I also do not have family here.

This is a very sad situation. I know it takes two to make things work, but when only one is trying or has an interest to make it work, it is almost imposssible until the other has a change in attitude.

It appears there is more to it than just fishing. To find out, you and the boys should join him on those fishing trips. Tell him the boys would love to fish with their dad. You make a picnic, dinner, breakfast, or lunch, whatever it takes, to make a family outing even if it is with his fishing buddy.

This way you are not arguing about his fishing too much, but are joining him. If he objects, then there is more to those fishing outtings then he is saying.

You need to have some very calm heart-to-heart talks with him to encourage to spend time with a family who loves and needs him. Work on his heart. I wish you the best as this is one of the most difficult situations when only one person appears to care.

I know how hard it is when you need a partner to be a partner but he is not there . It is even more difficult that your family is not here. I was in a same situation but I have only one son ( a bit less stressful but still hard!)
I say it's time to make a decision and tell him to stay out for good or come home and stay - thats it. He is up to more than just fishing - I think? Anyway e-mail or call me if you need to talk! Good luck & take care
____@____.com
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Hi S..

My guess is he feels overwhelmed by the noise that can be created by three rambunctious boys. I mean, fishing is a quiet activity. My boy is 11, and when his friends are over, sometimes I feel I'm going to lose my mind. Perhaps you should create a date night once a week. My boyfriend and I have that each Monday, and we do various grown-up things. It helps me to identify that I'm not only a mom, but a woman with needs. Perhaps he needs to feel like he is needed as a man, and not just as a dad. You know that feeling (like the commercial says) of reading a book that doesn't rhyme or have pictures? Offer him a small cooler of beer, a massage, and some hot appetizers when he comes home from work. Give him some quiet time, then go ahead and splurge on a sitter. This site offers sittercity.com. I checked them out and they seem to be pretty good, though I have his dad to keep him when I do things most of the time. (Just my unique situation.)

Hope this helps!

C.

Have you tried asking him if you could all go fishing as a family? I know it's hard to do anything as a family when they are young. But it's what the memories are made of. Even when things don't go right if it's done together, it's all good. That is the most important thing is getting together as a family. Also, and even more important, is getting together as a husband and wif. I also have three children and am far from family. My husband and I also have been together for 11 years, now. It seems to be a very trying time in the relationship. Make sure he knows you need him because they can easily feel left out when we have children. Quiet time can be acomplished at home with everyone present if there is peace and everyone is happy. That takes togetherness first though.

Hi,
I was in a marriage that was similar, except my husband's life revolved around work. Like you, I didnt think he was cheating on me (I still dont think he ever did), but work was his priority and that was very obvious to me. I was very unhappy in the relationship. I asked him to go to counseling with me, I asked him to try taking medicine to make himself happy (he never was), and I threatened divorce. None of that worked. So after nine years together, 4 of it being married, and 2 kids, I asked for a divorce. Then and only then did he go 'wow, I guess she's serious'. By then it was too late for me, I had given up and realized that he would never change. And I also knew that I couldnt be happy with that life. My kids werent a priority, I was not a priority and I couldnt live that way. So that is probably what you need to think most about, can you continue to live that way? If it's bringing your whole life down, if the kids can see how unhappy you (both?) are, is it worth it to stay? I'm not saying to run out and get a divorce, but if you are married, you both have to make an effort. Why cant he fish part of the time, and then spend part of the time with you and the boys? There's got to be a give and take. Yes, he needs his time, yes, you need your time, but you also need to be together as a family. Is this what you want your boys to see as an ok way to have a relationship when they are older?
Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, I'm happy to listen!

I am being blunt...I'm sorry. What does your sixth sense say...is he cheating or not, is he going through a fase, is he gay? Are you prepared to know the truth? Can you deal without him? Your family is there to support you. Strenghthen yourself...your "self" and then find out if this is something you want for the rest of your life. I'm going through almost the same thing. So far, it's miscommunication, but he's seeing a different woman in me now, one that isn't desperate for him or wants to be with him always. One who isn't a "sure" thing. I am seeing a therapist to help me understand and deal with my insecurities. It's been about a year now. I know I am a stronger woman. He's respecting me, our personal time and our family time. I don't know if he cheated, I don't want to know. All I know is that I am satisfied with his behavior...now.

Hi S...I'm really sorry about all of this. It sounds like there is a lot of stress for you, both with your husband, and having to care for all three kids the majority of the time. I really feel for you. I know my husband never spends enough time with me to make me happy...but he feels like he is with me all the time. There is a big difference between being in the house at the same time and quality time. It sounds like you're not even getting the "in the house at the same time". Do you guys have a good relationship, and he just is not getting it? I know from my marriage, men just don't respond as emotionally to things. I don't think that's a great thing about them..it's just what i have seen. Would he be willing to do a date night once a week? Even just at home after the kids are in bed? I find that if my husband and I connect, and really connect, play a game, snuggle on the couch to watch a movie, go for a walk, that it makes the other days where we are disconnected much easier. If you are getting stuck doing everything around the house, that is unacceptable. If it were me, and the problem was getting so severe, I would see a therapist about it. They could perhaps suggest some other ways to approach the subject...and maybe your husband would go to a session, and could hear how you feel via the therapist. Sometimes it makes a big difference coming from someone else's mouth. I am lucky that my hubby is open to all that..if we hit a bump, we go for a session or two to really hear each other. You know, I hate to say that Julie is right...I don't think you can fish at midnight. Is he going to bars too? I saw in your profile that you had kids young...is he young too? I wonder if he is trying to "live up" those younger times that he feels he missed? I don't know...I just know it is unacceptable. He is your partner, and he needs to really hear you. If he would not get mad, maybe show him all the responses you get to this post. Also,maybe you need to find a hobby for yourself as well. That has helped me to not need SO much time together. Good luck, I really do feel for you. I am sending you a hug over the computer!
A. C.

sam...i know just how u feel.my husband owns his own business and i never see him either.i get stuck with all the household duties and all the parenting duties.i also have a son that isnt just right.the only thing i can suggest is that u explain to him calmly that u need to spend some time with him because u feel that your marrige is slipping through the cracks.i did that with my husband by suggesting that he come home early 1 night a week so we could have "family time".i seemed to work because now i have him home with me at least once a week.so if u can ask him not to fish every day or work late every day but just spend 1 night a weeek with you he might be flexible...i mean my goodness its not like u are asking him to be with you 24/7 its the least he can do ...GOOD LUCK