Husband Doesn't Want to Move Back to Cali

I had been dreaming about moving my family home to Minnesota for years, so much so that I didn't invest any time in making friends and becoming part of any communities here in the Chicago area. I kept trying to convince my husband to move to MN, as I have a HUGE family there (27 first cousins), and a ton of friends.

I made him feel so guilty about staying here, but I didn't even stop to consider how frightening it is for the sole bread winner to uproot and transplant, and how much income we'd lose out on in the process. It wasn't until one day that my husband flat out explained to me that he worries about being able to provide for our family (and his parents), and can't afford to leave his practice, which he has been building for years, and start anew elsewhere.

Finally I resolved myself to the fact that our family is going to stay in the Chicago area, pretty much for our whole lives. Once I was able to do that, I was able to focus on finding the best possible community for our family. We researched and chose a church, school, and area that we want to live in. I've made a few close friends, and many acquaintences who have the potential of being close friends. My closest friends here are also transplants, so we've become like family--we spend some holidays together (when we don't go visit my family in MN, hubby's family in CA, or host family.)

You seem to be family oriented, but as my husband had to remind me, your primary focus needs to be your CORE family--you, hubby, and kids. It is wonderful that you want your kids to be close with their cousins, but you're poised to sacrifice their relationship with their FATHER in order to do so. That's not right. It isn't fair to your husband or your kids. What is it to gain some cousins if you lose your dad in the process? Poor consolation.

How often do you visit your family, or host them? I suggest trying to increase the visits, as that will help you cope, as well as afford your children the opportunity to be close with their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.

Long story short...i live in fargo, nd....we moved here for my husband's job (although hes another 4 hours into nd and we only see him on weekends). Not exactly HI :-). We are 10 hours from family. I'll be the first to admit that i didn't want to move here....but i kept a happy face for my girls. The first thing i did was get involved in church, stay into my bible and devotionals, get into my hobbies, found a job that allows me flexibility i need for the kids.....you know what, Fargo feels like home and we've only been here 4 months. I think a lot of it is what you make it, its your attitude about it. You've left your husband twice...you need to decide (yes decide) if you are in it for the long haul, if you are then be happy where you. If you aren't, i suggest counseling and reconsider. I would go anywhere as long as i have my husband and girls. I have been at least 5 hours from my family for a long time and now 10, but we text and talk on the phone a lot.

I think most of life is what you make it.

Hey there, In answer to your question. Yes. You should stay, not for your business, but because it sounds like YOUR family really likes it there. Your family is your husband and your kids, now. Top priority is their happiness.

I would follow my husband to timbucktu if he asked because he is my family. After the kids are grown, parents die who do you have? Your spouse. Work on that familial bond.

I realize that other cultures do not view family that way - family is EVERYONE:) But I agree with the poster who encouraged you to try not to pine after what is not in front of you and instead find joy in the life you have, with the people you have.

(I do not live close to ANY of my family or my husband's family. We have created a network of a surrogate family from our friends - between facebook and skype we are plenty connected when we can't see our family in real life).

Good luck moving forward.

I moved away from home when I graduated college.
Had to.
There were no jobs.
Most of the family has moved all over the country.
Moving back to my old home would not change that.
From 1986 to 2007 (got married in 1989, had our son in 1998) we lived in northern Va.
Then my husbands job transferred to Va Beach and we moved.
We love love LOVE not dealing with the DC area traffic.
We make new traditions.
We have new friends and we're happy.

I think perhaps that you went in with the expectation that the Hawaii move would be temporary - so for 2 years you resisted putting down roots.
By then you were in the habit - so it continued the next 4 years.
The thing is - time has marched on in your old home.
People age and move, places change, trees get cut down and new ones planted, your favorite restaurant goes out of business, old buildings are torn down and new ones built.
It's not the same place you left.
In a sense - you really never can go 'home' again.
When you married - you began a new family of your own.
Old family relations, although important, are of secondary importance now.
You have a husband to grow old with and be with in your 60's, 70's 80's and hopefully beyond.
Some people have to move to the other side of the planet for the sake of a job.
I know quite a few people who are here from India.
They get really good at skypeing, but if they are here long enough, the trips to the old home become fewer and fewer and eventually stop.
Bloom where you're planted!
You can adapt and flourish!

My former sister-in-law is former largely because, when she moved (from California, interestingly) to the East Coast with my brother, she never -- in a decade -- made any efforts at all to build a life of her own in the new location. She did not make any friends of her own, but made frequent trips to see her "BFF" when the friend lived in Florida and then NY. She flew home to see family in California so frequently that she was never around much with my brother. (There was no question of their living in Cali as he owns a business elsewhere and it was too expensive for them there.) She did not work (they didn't have kids, she had skills that could have landed her decent jobs as a way to meet people); she did not cultivate any hobbies; when she wasn't traveling to see her friends and family, she was spending time online e-mailing and messaging them and playing online games with them. Her social life where they lived was based solely on any invitations they got from my brother's co-workers, so her circle of friends in their town was limited entirely to the wives of his business partners, who had kids and other interests.

You get the point. I'm not saying your case is anywhere near as extreme as hers was -- yeah, she eventually left him and moved in with her sister in California and works temp jobs because she cant' get any others after so long -- but can you step outside your own emotions long enough to really see yourself as your husband might see you? As someone who, like my former SIL, spends all her mental energy pining for something she hasn't got rather than focusing on what she has got?

What is the real source of your personal unhappiness with Hawaii? Is it really the distance from your blood relatives, or is that maybe in part an excuse that helps you forget that your husband was "talking to" other women? (What exactly is "talking to" here? Do you possibly have some jealousy issues or was something truly going on? Did you and he ever get counseling at that time or did you just let it go? Don't you owe yourself, your marriage and your kids the effort of professional counseling for your marriage?)

Do you feel "life would be easier in Cali" because....? You'd have built-in babysitters (relatives)? You'd be able to keep your husband from "talking to other women" in some way you feel you cannot in Hawaii? You'd hang with the same friends you have always had and would not have to go to the strain and effort of building new friendships? It's much easier to fall back on the relatives and long-time friends than to put ourselves out there and work -- yes, it IS work -- at finding people with similar interests, getting to know them, scheduling time to see them, etc.

A lot of the time on this site, women get very preoccupied with "family" meaning their parents, siblings, cousins, their dear BFFs from the hometown -- but not really the family that means their husband, kids and themselves. The women seem to expect their own nuclear family to slot into their larger blood-relative family. I think it may come from wanting the ease of having folks you've always known around, rather than having to MAKE a life somewhere else.

You may truly just hate Hawaii, on a gut level, but if you have not gotten help for your marriage; examined why your husband was "talking" and whether you secretly feel a move "home" would cure that (it won't); and made some effort to BE happy -- you have never given the new location a chance in eight years of being there. Truly, a counselor could do you a lot of good. You do not have to love it there, and if the issue is really your marriage and not the location -- that is something you must, must explore, because I think that's between the lines here. The issue may not be Hawaii or even your family at all; it may be your marriage and why you're not happy with that.

Why isn't the family you wake up with each day not enough of a family to satisfy you?

We are all alone in Ohio. No family anywhere within a 10 hour car drive. We try to spend at least one major holiday with family each year. We only see my parents and his parents about once a year. I haven't seen my sister in over three years, my other sister in about five years. But we're in Ohio. We moved here for my job, but I stay home with the kids now and we now stay for my husband's job. It's cold, grey, and rainy. I have no advice to give, but given my situation here, I'd certainly take a tropical paradise over this!

Personally, my parents always taught me that our home was always where they are -- and my children know that if we move some day, it won't matter where we are as long as we're all together. The holidays are what you make them, no matter where you are. It's not home to you, but it IS home to the kids. We regularly Skype and email with our relatives to keep in touch. We can't hug, but it's the next best thing. I guess what really bothers me is the lack of respect you both seem to have for each other's position. I wouldn't know how to fix that -- you both want what you want. It seems you've made sacrifices by staying there longer than you intended, but in doing so, you now want to take the children away from what is their home for the past six years. I know it's hard, but it sounds to me that you may benefit from talking to a therapist about how to deal with this situation. I would feel wonderfully blessed if I could spend almost a month with my family over the summer like that -- we see them only for a few days each year. I would NOT rip my children from their father, their family income, and their home and friends of the past six years just for my own personal homesickness. They will learn "real" holidays by you creating "real" holidays for them. And their heritage is what you make it now -- I wouldn't want my children's heritage to be family strife and loss of a father figure in the home.

Are the kids happy in HI? That would be my deciding factor. If they are and your business is doing well then I would be inclined to stay. Don't underestimate the importance of money and job security-esp for a man. Many people do not live around family. Its not ideal but you find ways ot make it work. Leaving your husband so that you can be with family will most likely NOT be a good thing for your kids.
I am not happy with my decision to live and make our lives in the suburbs, I personally would be much happier in the city but I know for a fact that my kids would not. As grownups we are often forced to sacrifice our own desires for what is best for our family.

I am sorry you are so unhappy, and that was not right for him to break a promise.
But, you know, part of getting married and having kids means that you are part of a new family, YOUR family.
Of course you are still a daughter and a sister, but you are also a mother and a wife. Your kids need you and their father more than you need your parents and sister.
I don't want to comment on your marriage, because I don't know if you should stay with your husband or not, but I absolutely don't think you should take your children away from their father, home and friends just because you miss your family.
Sorry mom, it's time to grow up and be an adult. You can talk to your family every day, by phone and/or skype, and you can go visit them as often as you can afford it. That's what MOST people do.
I also suggest you get out there and start making some friends, so you don't feel so alone and dependent only on your husband and kids for companionship.

Something I've learned in the moves that we've made over the years (in the past 10 years, we have lived in 4 cities) is that changing locations will not make you happy in and of itself. Likewise, moving to be closer to family does not always help, either. (Been there, done that.) It sounds to me like you are unhappy because things aren't going well with your husband, and you don't feel like he hears what you're saying. Right? Moving to California will not change that.

I think you need to take a step back from all of this, and re-evaluate your marriage. Have you tried marriage counseling?

I understand that living far away from family is hard. Our closest family members live more than 400 miles away from us. The kids only get to see their grandparents a few times per year. BUT, there are things you can do to "spend time" with family that lives far away. FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, e-mails, pictures, videos, Facebook. Even visiting a few times per year, as budget allows (living where you do, I'm sure you have no shortage of people willing to make the trip ;). But really, your first allegiance should be to your husband and children, not to your sister, mother, or father. You owe it to your husband and kids to figure out what steps you need to take to be happy with them, and not constantly wishing you were somewhere else. Like I said, moving to California will not change what you feel inside. You'll just change locations.

I grew up without family near by. Our closest relatives were 7 hours away, and we saw them twice a year - once for Christmas and once over the summer.

I knew other kids that had relatives in town and saw their cousins at school. I thought that sounded cool and was a little jealous. That being said, I would not have wanted to move just to live closer to my relatives. I would not have wanted to start all over somewhere else.

I understand where you're coming form. You have a home in California - friends, family - and you could really envision making a life for yourself there. Just basing this on your post, if you move you'd be doing it for you and not for the kids. This isn't something they are asking for. Maybe you have more reasons beyond the ones you've listed here. But it sounds like you are the one who wants to move. There's nothing wrong with wanting to move near family, but your kids are not being deprived by living away from family.

Have you tried to create a life for yourself in Hawaii? Friends, activities, interests, hobbies?

If you have really made an effort and you are truly miserable, he needs to respect that. You need to be able to talk about ways you can both be happy. But I think you need to be honest with yourself about the situation. This is something that you want. Don't use the kids to try to pressure him into moving. Just talk to him honestly about your needs.

Honestly I'd be upset that he wasnt keeping his promise and didnt care i was unhappy BUT if you cant get him on board to move there's no choice in my eyes. You cant justify them not living close to their dad (if you seperate) to live with extended family.

Are your kids happy?

can you use the extra money you make there to have visits more often?

ADD: The job situation may be the key here. If he or you cannot, without certainty, have a job in CA when you move. Don't do it. The expense to move and not knowing if you will have money coming in (I looked for a job for 2 years) is horrible. If it's not a problem financially, then maybe. But if not having a job for a length of time will change things in a negative way, then now is not the time.

ORIGINAL: I think the key, as someone else said, is how happy your IMMEDIATE family is where you are now. You are not happy because you miss your extended family, but you can't read that onto your kids. If your 3 children have built lives and friendships, etc. and they are happy, then you have to rethink the moving as a solution. Your holidays are NOT alone - you ARE with your family, just not your extended family.

My husband and I have lived away from our extended families for most of our married lives (they are all east coast, we've been west coast, midwest). Yes we miss them, but we have each other. We have friends. Every few years we visit the extended families and enjoy that time. It is what it is.

I wonder if you ever really gave it a chance when you moved, because from the description, you were planning an escape route from the beginning. Predicting your feelings about something can cause you to miss something beneficial because of that. "Real Holidays" are what you make them, not what you've always done. They can learn about their heritage from you, and from visiting. They ARE around family.

If you need to go home for a week or two every year, leave the kids with your hubby and recharge. It isn't THEM that needs it, it's YOU.

I don't know if you can get therapy, or find a support group or something, but you should stay for your children and husband, and try to find a way to bridge the gap with family. If your business is doing well, schedule trips every couple of years, help family come to visit, etc. Skype a lot. Do what you can. Don't uproot the family for just you - my mother did that a lot and it was aweful.

Take care and good luck!

Why don't you like Hawaii? If you you love your husband and the only issue is you are far from your parents and sister, I think you should stay. After all you are proposing separating your children from their father so you can be near your parents and sister. That seems really unfair to them. I don't see that having nearby grandparents and an aunt would replace having a father for them. Now - I don't see an issue with you spending Christmas with your folks if you need to. Just doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

Also - what is to stop your parents from retiring somewhere if you move back. Perhaps they will decide to move to Florida or Hawaii or who knows where. You are a grown up. Your parents have their own lives. You, your husband and children need to make your own.

Now - if you HATE Hawaii, can't find a rewarding career, find it isolated (if you are on one of the smaller islands), can't handle the school system, etc - you and DH should discuss whether there might be a better place to live.

You might also consider that a judge may NOT let you leave with the kids. If you elect divorce, the judge may decide it is not in the children's best interest to move away from their dad and that is you wish to have or share custody that you must remain in Hawaii. My BIL had to petition their divorce judge when he wanted a new job and he lost 50:50 custody because the judge would not force a child to travel.

First of all, money is NOT more important that happiness. So, if you're still unhappy after all this time, then he should consider moving.

However, times are tough right now. Especially in California. If he has a job/business there and making good money, don't move here unless you can guarantee the same here. Moving here without a job or financial plan is a disaster waiting to happen. If you think, oh we'll find a job, you're got your head in the sand. It's very hard to find jobs. So many people are unemployed, losing their homes, filing bankruptcy. Your families financial well-being and safety needs to be taken into consideration.

Good luck to you!

ETA You mentioned that your husband began speaking to other women could that have been because you pushed him away with wanting to "go home"? You can push so much and then a man will leave and where will you be? By yourself with three kids to raise. Not a good scenario. Especially since everyone else loves where they are. Go get therapy to help you.

Once you leave home it is never the same. People change and so do you. What you remembered when you were little or not married with family is not what you will experience again. Most people live in a time warp where most don't go forward but some do but not as much as you have by moving away.

All the things that you remembered doing with cousins when you were little and young are memories -- just that -- memories.

It is nice to want to have your extended family close to you but your immediate nucleus family (hubby and kids) need your more. As another poster put it it is time to cut the cord and grow up. Look for things to do in your new home state and get to know other people living. I am quite sure you can find someone from California nearby. Family is who you make it and they are not always blood relatives.

Go out to dinner with hubby and speak to him from the heart that you are now on the same page with him about staying in Hawaii. Point out all the good things that you have discovered and such. If you have a business that is going great why ruin it with your move to go home? That is a feat in itself to have a successful business in this day and age. There is much more to a business a businss and reputation is a big part in its success.

Stop and think of what you have rather than what you don't. When you got married you moved out of your parent's home into your own home apartment or house. So you are separate entity. As far as heritage there are books and things that you can read to keep that. Pulling your kids away from what they know at their ages will cause a mountain of resentment that may never heal. So you better think long and hard about what you want to do over what you should do.

The other S.

PS Living in another area is always an adventure so put on your walking shoes and go explore. Life is too short to be stuck in one spot.

I would back off and accept that you are there to stay. Would not be fair to kids to go back to Cali and separate them from Dad. You are unhappy why would you do that to them. I think if you accept that Hawaii is your home, you will start to makes friends, join groups. It would be my guess that there are a lot of people without family there. Create a family with them. I have friend in Hawaii and they have embraced the life with their new family.

If it is only about holidays fly back for them. At least it is California and not New York. You can always find some positive. Can your family visit every other year.

if your family is getting financially secured, if your kids are happy, if your husband is happy, then i agree with him, it's you. your 'family' is your immediate family and you should go wherever your family does best.
i am on my 10th day of the move in a new state. nobody is too happy to have moved now, kids leaving old school, starting new school in december but we have to do what we have to do.
you should concentrate on making a life in HI. make friends and create your own traditions.

I am here in the cold midwest because of my husband. If he could move I would love to (provided it was a warmer not colder place). My extended family is not here. I talk on the phone to my sis and mom daily. I make the best of my life for my kids and my family.

It sucks that your DH gave you false hope, as that seemed to thwart any efforts on your part to settle in. You guys really need to get your feelings on the table about everything and come to some decisions.

Can you all afford to go home to Cali to visit twice a year?

Wow, i would be irked too..
My best friend is married to a man that cannot stay in one place. He likes the adventure of moving.

But once they moved to the Atlanta area, she told him, now that we have children, this is my last move until the boys graduate from high school. I WILL NOT MOVE BEFORE THEN.

This worked fine until last year. The kids are now in 8th and 9th grade. Her husband wanted to move to Florida to start a new business. She told him no. He started a business there, she told him" we will not move".. And so he moved down there and comes home once a month.

The sad part is she says she and the boys do not miss him.. When he comes home, he disrupts their schedules, demands their attention.. etc.

This is the problem, I had warned her, "what are you going to do, if you all can survive without him?"

Is there anyway for you and your family to go home each Christmas holiday for a week? Could you rent a place during Summer break for a month or 2 close to your family?

Could your family come and visit in the summer? At least it would be a chance to see them for extended periods.

Try to come up with a compromise.. or tell your husband this is nonnegotiable, but be prepared for the consequences.

I feel badly for you and all that you are going through. It is hard to be away from family. I too live out of state from my family. I miss them tremendously! I suggest getting some professional help for your marriage. You two need a third party to sort this situation out. Please think long and hard about taking your kids away from their dad. It would really impact them to not have him involved in their daily lives. Also, most states do not allow divorced parents to move kids out of state without consent from the other parent. Blessings!

I am not sure if this is a great reason to get a divorce or make hubby become unemployed with little prospect of getting another job in this economy. You do have to think this through a bit more I think.

How will you support the kids on what ever job you can get. If he has no good paying job you will have to go to work full time, he will be the SAHD if he can't find work and even if he does there is little chance it will be enough for you to stay at home, you will most likely have to go to work full time to help support your family.

That's something to weigh seriously.

You will likely not be able to do this too if he contests it because he is the children's father and he has a legal and moral right to see his children. Often that means you can't take them and leave the state, you have to stay there, so why go through all this to begin with if you are not going to get to leave the state with the kids.

Custody is more and more and more being granted 50/50 so both parents have the same legal rights as the other one. If you leave the state and he has scheduled visitation you will likely have to pay for the transportation for the kids to go back and forth each and every time he has his time with them.

No child support, no alimony, no support of any financial type. No child care assistance and no insurance requirements.

Now if you were willing to go home and leave them there with him, he would probably not contest a divorce then.

I don't think that's what you would even consider though. Right?

I suggest you visit with an attorney and see what the laws are about custody and visitation for this situation. If you can walk away with the kids, leave the state, get total custody so you will get child support then you might have good enough reasons to go forward with a divorce.

My thoughts are truly with you on this. If you are unhappy you are miserable and your kids are miserable and no one has any chance of being happy.

I'd like to say you might visit with the doc about some antidepressants though. It could be depression that is helping to make living in Hawaii so hard for you.

You have received lots of great advice on this question already. I just want to add my story - my parents emigrated from Italy to South Africa when I was 7 years old. Not only did we have no family or friends here, but I didn't even speak the language!

The greatest irony is that they moved away to "make a fresh start" (apparently my dad had been unfaithful in Italy ... and you can't get much further away than South Africa)! They ended up divorced anyway!! All the moms who say that changing locations is not going to change the way your feel or your personal "baggage" are 100% correct!

Yes, I am sad that my children grew up without extended family for most of their lives. Most of our extended family lives overseas. Now that my mom-in-law is widowed she has decided to move to Cape Town to be close to us. We're all thrilled, finally my kids get to have a "full-time" gran!

I pray that, one day when I'm a grandmother, I'll be blessed to have children who are willing and able to live in the same city as me. If they're not, I'm planning to be rich enough to visit them often!! At the end of the day we all need to live our own lives in the best way we can.

Wow, can't believe no one is for the move. I think the kids will be happy in Cali. Yes, it's going to be an adjustment, but a lot of people move and start over. I moved to Cali from another. Country when I was 13, and yes, the first day of school is a little scary, but I was fine. I made friends and created a new life. Why is it ok for the mom to be unhappy?
If my child was unhappy, I would tell her to come back home. It haas been 8 years.

To clarify, I'm not a sit at home mom. Im the one that works, my husband is the one that is the one that doesn't want to go work, so he sits at home with the kids , and takes them to the beach. Doesn't do laundry it dishes. When there's waves, he's out surfing. He has a another retail locations, in which he only stays open 2 hrs. Cause he says its too boring to sit at the store for hrs.
I don't work everyday, but I do work some days. I do all the paperwork, hr doesn't.

I travel back to Washington every Christmas so my daughter & I can be w/my family for Christmas. So is this really about a holiday for you or about not feeling supported or having your opinion honored? (Big concerns.)

Hawaii is a hard place to live if you don't love it...if you don't feel the Island pulling you back after your 3-week trip, then it's harder to justify paying $100 for 2 bags of groceries, wiping mold off everything, not being able to get yogurt on a Tuesday cuz the barge hasn't come in or killing a giant cane spider in the kids' room.

But if I had a husband I loved and loved me, I'm not sure I'd leave him because I was homesick. I'm guessing you feel tricked and lied to about the move and that's a deeper relationship issue to work on.

Aloha

My answer is this; you may be making good money but you are proof that money does NOT buy happiness. Family is the most important thing above anything else and your husband is being the selfish one by denying you your family and happiness but again FAMILY! When you were here in CA. with the kids did they miss daddy, did they beg and want to go home, were THEY enjoying there family and time here in CA? Can you make it here in CA on your own with just you and the kids? If the answer is "yes", I say move back to CA without the husband (maybe not divorce right away, just a seperation) if he misses you and the kids, if he LOVES you and the kids and money doesn't mean MORE to him than you and the kids then he WILL come back; if he does not then move on without him.