Life Changes - Advice

I agree that you have many questions. Are you more of a loner or do you thrive on social support and the support of your family and friends? Is career advancement and upward movement equally important to you and your husband? What kind of weather do you like? What would you do with your home?

When I was much younger, I decided to move to Kentucky. I lasted a year. It was difficult at first to make friends. I missed my family and friends here in California. The weather was difficult for me to adjust to. I had a home here in CA, and I rented it. At least I had a home to come back to. If I had sold, I probably still wouldn't own a home. Also, I owned the home before I met my husband, so we have been able to build on the equity.

I have some regrets that I have chosen family and friends over career advancements, toys and a bigger house, but my husband feels the same about family. We love the community we live in and now we have a son who loves all of his grandparents, aunties, and uncles. And I have the support of many many close people. Yes, sometimes I feel unfulfilled, but I don't think I would have survived in another state. Will you?

C.:
For too long women have followed "the man." I say stay in Sac. I am the career lead in my family. Work the math. Make a BUSINESS decision (vs. a personal one)and move ONLY if it makes BUSINESS (i.e. financial) sense. I'm guessing it won't. We have a house, and a condo in Natomas. The condo is under water. I've turned down job opportunities bcuz it doesn't make sense in terms of losing tens of thousands of dollars on properties in Sac.

Get over your guilt. A man wouldn't think twice about staying. PLUS, your kids need their relatives. Unless he can make enough money to support ALL of you AND comfortably support the housing loss, you would be a fool to leave (my opinion).

I'm guessing the job offer is in his area of study (vs. construction)? Realize there is no guarantee that his "dream" job will be more than a dream - i.e. he may not like it.

Why not see if there is a way that he can pursue his goal here in Sac which would test his passion for his dream job and allow the finances to stabilize.

Business decision, dear woman - Please.

Hope this gives you the guts to carry on!

I moved a year ago to sacramento from michigan. In Michigan, I had all of my friends and family around and a stable work environment. I took the plunge and moved here for several reasons, but at first my Husband resented me a bit because he felt he didnt have a choice. Make sure you both agree so that there are no hard feelings. There is nothing worse than being in a new place with angst between you and your spouse!! My boys were 1 and 2.5 when we moved and they both settled in wonderfully, so I am sure your little girl will have little trouble with the move. The cost of living in the places you mentioned are much more affordable, so that is also a bonus. And...very importantly...you can take mamasource with you(just change the zipcode). It truly has been such a blessing to me since I have been in a new environment. It will help you find friends, schools, playgrounds...all sorts of things!

I made a huge change and moved to sacramento from the UK, it was rough for a while, but i keep reminding myself that it is better for my family (myself, husband and 2 kids) no one else.
it has to be what you both want. My husband was great and told be we can always go home if we want to , i think not feeling trapped really helped and to take it on as an adventure. I feel that you will move if you are supposed to, If you do good luck and make lots of new friends, it really helps.

Maybe you could work out a trial period--you could agree to move to MN for three years, and if you are miserable at the end of the trial period, then he agrees to move back to CA. Maybe there are ways you could compromise and both be happy. Of course, living near family is important. We are over 400 miles from any relatives of ours, and I wish we lived closer to some family.

There is no clear cut answer to your question. But there are clearly WRONG answers and Suzanne P provided a wrong answer. I typically like to see what everyone else is saying before I respond but I couldn't even read her whole response, let alone anyone else's.

There are a lot of variables to consider in answering your question or offering advice. But I think I am going to keep my answer as simple and as general as possible and hope that you can make it apply to you.

The inner workings of a marriage are very complicated, but the general needs of men and women are pretty straightforward.

Women need to be loved and men need to be respected.

Unfortunately, we can tend to get into a vicious cycle where if women don't feel loved, they don't respect and if men don't feel respected, they don't love. That "crazy cycle" can destroy a couple. So my advice to you is to respect your husband in however you think that may apply. I've always believed that men are the head of the household and that women are the heart. It takes both of those to make a marriage work. However, there is a natural instinct in men to be the provider and protector of his family. They need to feel that they are doing that in order to feel accomplished and respected. It definitely takes both of your input to make a decision that effects the whole family, but ultimately, the final choice needs to be your husband's. That is his God given role...whether you believe in God or not. And that is the mantel you gave him when you vowed to "love honor & respect" him until death do you part.

Sacramento is a crazy market. People are upside down in their houses and the construction industry is taking a serious hit. The only thing that could be worse for your family would be if you were a real estate agent. I understand that this is so much easier said than done, but let your hubby do what he needs to do and trust that he is doing what he believes is in the best interest of his family. If that is ultimately to move, well, you can always move back if it doesn't work out.

You asked how to handle such a huge life change. My answer is:

Defer to your husband. Give your input and then step aside and let him make the final decision. And make sure he knows you are supporting him every step of the way. It may seem like you are being the submissive little wife, but trust me...they pay off will be huge!!

Hi C.,
I don't have much advice, only questions. What does your husband want to do with your house? Home sales are dropping, meaning they aren't selling. Does he want the bank to foreclose and destroy your credit for AT LEAST 7 yrs? Also, some loans are written where you are still responsible for the difference is/when the bank sells it. Or does he plan to rent it? These are questions I would ask him. Are there no jobs in his field in Northern California? I just worry about you and your daughter. DO NOT be pressured into doing something you don't want to. Email me if you want to talk.
Sincerely,
L.

Hi!
Everyone handles moves differently. I went to Northern Michigan Univ. for college and I lived all my life in Vacaville, now Sacramento. Being on the swim team, I had a ready made set of friends, but outside of swim functions, I had to make my own way. I came to love that area. Family is never farther than the phone. Moving can and should be a fresh start, a chance to do better. The housing market up there should be lots better than here... you'll find that you can buy more house there even if you take a loss on your current home if you look carefully. I've been to Minneapolis/st. paul many times and it's just beautiful in the winter. You won't be in the boonies, you'll be in a city with a lot of heart. My advice would be to join some mommie's groups or a group associated with your hobby (for me, that would be a quilting club), join a church and get involved in it's activities... the possibilities are endless. I'd jump at a chance to move back there, but my hubby is a total Ca boy!
Good luck!!! You can make it work!

Hi C.,

this is just my opinion, but, I would at least check out and maybe visit where you plan on moving to, see if there are things that interest you, check out career moves there. who knows it might be the best move you ever did. if your husband can get a job with what he got his degree in then go for it.

this is a good time to move while your daughter is still very young, that way she isn't missing much in California.

Hope you figure things out and everything works well

Tonya

My husband and I had both lived in Roseville our entire lives (30+ years) when we decided he'd take a job offer in Southern California. Our kids were in elementary school, and were up for the adventure. It was definitely scary to think about, as all of our family & friends were here, but we knew it would work out. It was the BEST thing that ever happened to our marriage and our family. We became much closer, because we were our only support system for a while. We had to learn to make friends again, which was a good thing. Think of the people you spend time with just because you've known them forever or they're related to you, not because you really have all that much in common with them. We knew that Roseville, our family & friends, etc. would all be right where we left them, if we decided to come back later. You never know what's out there until you try something new. Stability is great, but an adventure can be exciting, and make you grow. We actually did move back home after about 4 years, and we will never regret the time we were away. My kids are well-adjusted, and can make new friends easily. They're simpathetic to the new kids at school now, and go out of their way to befriend them. I could go on and on, but I say - GO FOR IT!

Your life is so much more than money or credit! Who cares what happens to the house, in the long run that doesn't matter. What will matter in the long run is whether you were a wife to your husband or not.
Be honest with him. Tell him you're scared, but that you will support him and go wherever he feels is right. Let HIM be the man. He will be much happier for it, and so will you. Your daughter will be raised in a loving home with a mommy & a daddy who love and support each other. He supported you and did what you wanted in the beginning, you can't expect him to keep working construction so you can keep your job and stay in the same town you've always lived in. God has something better for you.

Marriage is not a business, if you treat it like one that's what you will end up with. I've never known anyone who wanted their marriage to be a business relationship.

I couldn't agree with Jen R more.

It is a complicated situation with no simple advice, but everything Jen R said is right on!

C., I have great hope for you.

Hi, C..

Moving anywhere and starting over is difficult at any age, under any circumstance... but the positive side is it's an adventure. When I was in my 20s, I was married to a submarine sailor and moved often until our final port in Hawaii. In 1998 I met my late husband on the internet and moved to Texas, only to come back to CA after his passing.

Look at it as an adventure! Marriage is a compromise. Also, it will give your family somewhere to go that they haven't been... a vacation with the family. It may not be easy at first, but your husband and daughter will be with you and it's really not where you live, but how you live within your family.

I would say... GO FOR IT, GIRL!

C.,
Your husband already turned down a job offer for you years ago and now is offered another one. I think it's time that you be the supportive wife and move on to your family next journey!

If it wasn't for my stepchildren, I would be out of California in a second.. I have been a SF, Fairfield, Sacramento person all my life. WELCOME THE CHANGE. Think of the adventure. I love stability for my family but think of what new things your entire family could experience together. You say that you are currently working, would there be a possibility that you could stay at home if you move... I can't wait for that day.
We all tend to 'settle' for one thing or another because we do what is best for our entire family not what is best for one or another. I know you will miss you friends but if they are true friends, they will understand. My best friend moved to Washington, she sold her house here in sacramento about 2 yrs ago and bought a house bigger then the one here for half the price. It completely allowed her to stay home with her boys.
I agree that you and your husband should sit down and have a plan. Give it 2 yrs, if it isnt what you both expected, then come back. Talk it out with him and tell him your concerns.

I understand how you feel about moving to a new place--I did the same. I am from Michigan and moved to Sac three years ago because this is where my husband is working and he is from here. It was hard to leave family--and it still is hard to be away--but my life now is my husband and children. Our relationship nearly ended because I was so adamant against coming to Cali and he knew this is where he was suppose to be. I learned a lot about him and myself and it strengthened our relationship. Wherever he goes I go. Be his cheerleader You will get to know people and start to feel like you have "roots" in your new place.

Follow your husband, be supportive and content, as it is the only way to be happy, and part of your vows (I assume). You will find people outside California are very much nicer in some ways, and you will probably enjoy the change. Sounds like you have a good guy who cares abour being responsible.

Wow, you are so lucky to have a husband with a great education and a great job offer! I expected to be able to be home with my kids and go wherever my husband worked once he graduated, but as circumstances would have it, due to a disability, I've continued working 20 years after I would have LOVED to be home with my kids.
I admit that family is why we live where we live; however if circumstances were more favorable, I would think of it as an adventure, and also an opportunity to unite as a family, support and trust the husband, and take the time to raise your daughter-motherhood being the most noble calling of all!
I depend heavily on the "family" support of our church friends. I would suggest finding some kind of organization in the area where you'd be moving, make contacts before you even get there.
I also would add, don't feel guilty, just embrace the opportunity and turn your anxiety into excitement!
Also, plan definite dates to visit family in Cali. Keep in touch with all the great technology as well as good old fashioned letters. Then be sure to invite family out to experience the other side of the great USA! There's so much to experience outside our little Sac Valley!!!
The idea of "giving it 2 years" etc. seems rather fatalistic. That's not how we enter marriage, and that won't help you face the change happily.
I'm excited for your family. Go for it!

Remember no matter where your are if you are with him and your daughter you are home...:)

C.,

I know better than anyone how hard it can be to leave the family, We have moved 10 times in the past 6 almost 7 years, it has been a crazy adventure, and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. My Husband and I started our relationship rather recklessly had our first son out of wedlock, but would travel to the ends of the earth to be with one another, I vowed to him when I was pregnant with our first that I would follow him anywhere, we are in this for life.. So 10 moves 4 kids and 1 acutally owned house later we are here, we went all over California looking for jobs that would pay him enough for me to be able to stay home with our children, we have gone from being jobless and homeless to stable and home owners, sometimes you just have to take the leap and believe that he will take care of you! That is what good men do best they make sure thier family is taken care of! Have faith in your Man and it will pay you back 10 fold.

No one can make this decision but you and your husband, just look at what he has done for you, are you willing to return the favor??