I came home today and my 18 year old (high school senior) son was leaving a phone message, but it was not a nice one.
The whole Story:
My son checked his phone this morning and there was a voicemail on it, when he listened to it, it was from a boy he used to go to school with when he lived with his father, he has told me about him before and he was not a nice boy, he used to bully my son quite a lot for being poor and was always accusing him of being gay and messing around with his stuff one minute, then would be offended when my son did not want be his friend the next, all I really knew is that this boy himself was not very popular when they were in school together.
My son while visiting his father last met up with some old friends, but was quite upset to find that the boy had become an active part of the social group and was unpleasant to the point where my son left his friends early and went back to his Dad's house, he did describe to be how everyone has changed a lot and how disgusted he was that they all hung around with him now.
Anyway today this boy left a voicemail on my son's phone, that started off quite innocently, "hello, I found your number" but then it started getting really abusive and disgusting, I deleted it after I heard it because it was so unpleasant, so I can't remember it word for word, but it was really mean and not called for, if I were his mother he would be in some serious trouble.
Anyway, my son sent a voicemail back, in which he shouted down the phone, "(Kid's name) How dare you send me a message like that, I F****** wish your worthless mother miscarried you, I hope you crash your F****** S***** car and suffer a slow and painful death, now go to society a favour and throw yourself off a building, you worthless, lisping piece of S***, then he hung up and slammed the phone on the floor, before going into the gardent to cool off (what he does when he is mad).
I waked in half way through this rant of his, then I made him fill me in the rest, but I'm not 100% sure how to feel about it all.
This is really irreguluar for him, for the most part he is just a normal, mild mannered teenager, who is usually very laid back and has a good sense of humour, he is active in his church that teaches being peaceful and forgiving and for the most part he follows it 100% but he does have a temper and when he loses it, its not nice.
Again when he loses his temper it is rare and he has been having some issues this year, for one because he was held back a year, his only two friends from school have gone on missions, he has some other aquaintances but nobody like his two friends who are away, also he said that he has grown really far apart from the friends he had in his old town, I've noticed he does not really seem to have much of a social life at the moment and I think he misses his friends.
Also recently I am worried that he is quite unhappy in general, on paper he is doing great, he's getting good skills, has lots of extra curricular under his belt, always reading and watching films and tv shows, goes to all the church events, but I can't help but feel a lot of his outward happiness is artificial, he does not like letting people in or sharing how he feels, and to an extent I think he is unhappier than he makes out.
I posted a question about it earlier, it would be great if you checked it out, but in regards to this phone incident, how would you feel and react in the situation? my son seems fine and to have calmed down now but I'm worried about this.
Extra Detail:
All is not lost, my neighbor is a wiz with phones and computers and was able to get the first message back up, as an insurance policy if you will.
He completely rejected the crowd after that night he spent with them, luckily they live over 100 miles away, I remember looking at his facebook profile one night to message him and he had about 100 friends, then the next morning when I went to message him he only had 50.
Leaving messages like that can get him in trouble for cyber bullying / phone harassment.
If he gets messages like that he should save them and report them to the police.
Please get some family counseling.
You and he need more help than anyone on a web site can give you.
I would take it as another clear sign that you guys need outside help. Your boy is hurting.
ETA: Glad to read that you've got that message now after all. And he is doing the right thing by walking away from this crowd on FB.
I want to make a suggestion that he find that boy on facebook and block him so that he cannot even see where your son's account is. That way he cannot send messages.
I also want to tell you that Laurie A. gave you excellent advise. (As she always does!)
Original:
Well, I'm kind of sorry that you deleted that boy's message. If HIS mother hears your son's message, she might just be screaming at you about what your son said, and you have no proof now of what her son said that led up to it...
What I would do now if I were you is to sit down with your son and tell him that he has a right to feel how he feels. If he wants to tell this SOB to go "ef himself", that's fine. But he cannot be leaving messages. NO MESSAGES.
I hope that he leaves this crowd behind. He has certainly outgrown these old friends. They have chosen to go a way that he is uncomfortable with. And he does NOT need to go anywhere near it.
It will be a good year for him to forge new relationships. Get him to thinking ahead to college. It's good that he is doing a lot of things to fill his time.
I will tell you that people like this awful guy can be triggers to real unhappy memories. If you keep feeling that he is sad, find a male teen counselor and take him to him. It's kind of an investment in his future.
Family counseling is in order for you and your son. He needs to find someone he can talk to.
First of all if my child told me she liked Pepsi over Coca Cola, I would have her head examined! Ha.. I read your previous posts.
Honestly, your son sounds pretty much like a lot of teenaged boys and teenagers in general. They are trying to figure out who they are and who they think they want to be.
They are also trying to distance themselves from their parents. They may not realize it, but it is because they are growing up and getting ready to move onto their own lives!
I recall a talk by Dr. Carl Pickard, he says "God makes them difficult teenagers, so that you will be ready for them to leave!" Ha!
Boys/men in general are not "talkers" they are doers. They are physical. Once they reach their limit with someone, they do not talk it out, they would rather punch something.
Since he cannot do that he lashed out in the most vile way possible.
What does he do physically every day? Ride a bike, skate board, work out, run is he in a team sport?
He needs an outlet. I know a lot of men really do a lot of their thinking by doing an active activity, many times alone. Even mowing the lawn, painting a room, building or repairing something.
As a teenager in general they are moody and very self involved. They are thinking, what will they think If I do this, if I say this, If I wear this? What if I am wrong, or if I fail?
All of this is stressful when you add in School, grades and deciding what he is going to do once he graduates. Many young men have no idea.
I am also going to guess that his hormones are all over the place, add in the beginning of a new school year
It is a stressful time.
I would speak with him, with a lot of listening on your part. ask him how it made him feel? ask him what can he do now? Ask him if he wants you to or how you can help in any way.. Then let him know he is normal, that he was so terribly angty and frustrated, but also remind him he did what this boy wanted. He called back and used up his energy to give this guy some attention.
This TOTAL assumption. I think this other boy likes your son. Maybe not a crush, but really wanted to be his friend and stay in touch, but he cannot get that from your son so he is willing to take the negative reactions instead.
It took me about 45 years to learn that "indifference, is the best revenge". And I also know, it works like a charm..
Hang in there mom, keep in mind, some of these conversations are not going to be long, but just a line you put out there every once in a while.
And be sure to ask for hugs. Tell him, you need a hug. Your son wants them and needs them, but probably does not realize it.
I can tell you from experience that this is ALMOST typical. My son, now 15, had a really rough 18 months. We moved from California to Georgia after his dad retired from the Air Force. He was going into his freshman year in high school and it was totally different from California. He got in with the wrong crowd. It took a lot of tough love and family counseling to get through it.
I have four boys. I can't tell you how much that counseling helped us communicate with each other better. Tyler and I don't swear and to hear our son in a fit of anger spewing out words that would make a sailor blush, was really hard.
Support your son and his choice to stay away from the kids. I can't tell you the difference the right social group makes for teenagers. My son is now thriving. He now sees the road he was on and how it could have led to bad things in his life, in fact it was leading to bad things. I never in a million years thought I would have a police officer knocking on my door about my son.
You need to keep talking with your son. If you are feeling like something is off, follow your gut and get him into counseling. The past has a way of affecting teenagers as it's much closer for them than our years in high school. And high school can be hard.
Congratulate him on making wise choices. Let him know you see the right choices he is making and support them.
I know this is a tough time. You are not alone. Please find a counselor that specializes in teenage therapy.
Often a bully is that way because they themselves are bullied, possibly by parents, and they feel powerless. This is no excuse, but it could help explain why the boy lashed out when he felt his new friendships may be threatened by your sons dislike of him when he got together with his old friends. I seriously doubt your son is innocent in any of what happened, so anything you think the others boy mother should have done about the message he left you should do with your son based off his response. Other then that I would leave it alone since the other boy lives far away.
I would never want to hear my child speak like that to anyone, no matter what the situation. You should tell your son that he played right in to this other kid's plan so don't expect the calls to stop. What will make them stop is ignoring them. This kid is looking for an audience and your son gave him one. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to bite your tongue, but it's better than spewing out the mess he let loose with. By the way, if the other kid could use that voice mail to get a restraining order against your son which could be highly detrimental to him, especially if he wants to do church missions.
He's reliving those moments over and over in his mind where he hears the bullying and offensive words and feeling that hate directed towards him.
I still think meeting with his Bishop would help him get some perspective. The young men's leader could also help. One thing I forgot to mention before is that he could go out with the missionaries in your area. This is a good influence for him and it will help him focus on what's important to him. He could spend a couple of nights each week going on appointments with the missionaries in your son's ward and then go to young men's one night and hopefully he's told you about family home evening where you and he and whomever else is in the home or maybe even another family, get together after dinner and play games, have a short lesson if you want to, and have bonding happy time together.
Then he could have an evening of the week with just himself and doing something he finds fun or entertaining.
Then he needs you to keep him doing something on the weekends. Maybe you can plan free stuff.
This may be a rough year with looking at the end of school, new friendships, budding adulthood, etc. I would talk to him and encourage him not to retaliate like that, because then HE might get in trouble for bullying vs the bully being in trouble. I would also encourage him to seek a counselor for help with the transition to adulthood.
