My 10 Year Old Bully

This is a hard one. One idea would be to take him to a homeless shelter to help serve food with you by his side. Maybe seeing families in need might trigger his soft side? Maybe google "help for parents with bully?" There should be some counseling for this need. Maybe he is frustrated with things at school or home. How are his grades? Maybe he needs more parent time? So many questions that could be answered with family counseling or individual counseling. Take care and good luck.

It sounds as though you could use some help from the Love and Logic Institute, at http://www.loveandlogic.com/. They have helped me tremendously.

Good Morning J.

A little more info would make it easer to give better info, How ever I will attempt to help.
Bulling is usually a sign of low self esteem. A Bully pick on others that the bully thinks it will make him or her look important or better than, or more powerful than. It is about how the bully feels. If the bully picks fights in front of the pears the bully is attempting to show that the bully is on top and for the others to not mess with me or els this will happen to them.
Bulling starts by a little shuve or a trip on purpos. Than when the desired results do not happening than it is escolated to the next level. This can be seen in gangs. The new member has to proove them selves and that can include killing some one els in order to be a part of.

My sugestion is to get your Son involved with sports like resteling, boxong, football, swimming, what ever it takes to get him into TEAM work. If you are a single mom than get him involved in marshel arts and have the Sense take him under his wing. If a good man is not in his life, find one to help your son to learn the man things that only men can teach boys. If you are on good terms with his dad than have DAD do his job and man up.
At 10, your son is having a battle of the hormones or is on the cusp. I am guessing that the male hormones are flowing and that is part of the aggresivness he is having problems handeling. If he is being or has been bullyed in the past that would have given him a blueprint for dommonet behavyour and that is what he has learned is OK to do to others.
It might be a good thing to get your son some anger manigment classes or theropy. It might be a good thing for the intire family to get some pro help to figure it out.

I hope something here has helped.

S.

There could be many reasons he is being a bully. I think more information is needed before good advice can be given. Without knowing more you might want to have him volunteer doing something like at a food bank or collecting food for a food bank or cleaning streets, helping the homeless etc...

My 6 year old is currently getting bullied by a 10 yr old and we have measures in place but from my point of view, I would

1. Make it clear to your child that it is totally unacceptable and you will be making sure of it.
2. Make contact with the parents of the child there is an issue with. This will let your child know there is open communication there and reassure the other parents that you are trying to do your best.
3. Stay in contact with the principal and have a plan. This may be something worked out with the counselors.
4. I agree, love and logic helps with consistent discipline.
5. Do have him talk with a counselor.

My heart breaks on both sides of this issue because there are not winners and we moms want the best for and from our kids.

Can you find a good child or family therapist?be sure to look for one whose approach is developmental. There can be so many reasons for his behavior! and you do not want someone who will just use positive reinforcement--though it is always a good idea to look for what he is doing that is good and appreciate it ( in words ,hugs etc). Often a bully does not, deep inside, feel he has any power at school or power at home -- as if what he says or wants doesn't make a difference and he has no power to make it happen. That doesn't mean his behavior is OK --just that if you and he understood what is under it and addressed THAT issue, he will change. You could also ask the teachers to tell you if he has friends, who, how he does in school-ask them to put him in groups where he can shine --any of it could give you clues but a trained person, a therapist, can usually figure out what is going on in two sessions or so.
Iam glad you are aware of this now . I assure you within a few months you will see a changed boy if you take him to a professional. we take our kids to doctors when they have colds but often hesitate when it is a "mental health" problem but its really like he has a bad cold and you don't want to turn it into pneumonia by not taking him to a doctor!
I am a clinical psychologist ( retired).. Good luck! oh and PS--one way to give a child power is to ask him his thoughts, give him choices. you might ask him for ideas about how you could help him and/or as a consequence ( not punishment since the idea behind punishment is to make someone suffer in order to change and the emotion used is fear --it works in the short run but not the long run) as a consequence give him choices of actions that require kindness and patience like visiting with a nice older person or teaching something he is good at to a younger child. use your imagination but give him choices or ask him to think of something that takes into account his good qualities which you can remind him that you know!

Hi Ja cee! I am sure you are getting a lot of "give him a taste of his own medicine", though that does have merit in some cases, no mother is going to let her child get bullied or beat up!!! So with that in mind, there are some more creative ideas. First, have him sit down with you and explain how he feels, sometimes that is all it takes, when he hears himself say he has no reason, or maybe something you are unaware of, it is kinda like pandora's box! Not knowing the dynamics of your family, you need to get to the bottom of this, if it started suddenly, you can bet your last dime, that something happened to cause it. Make sure he understands, as much as you love him, you do not approve of this behavior, and let him know that he's is going down a road that will take away all the things he cares about, limit his fun, but make SURE he understands, you are going to work on this until its fixed, and his behavior will determine yours!!! I don't believe that violence is an answer to violence! Basically what you are telling him here is that he is in control, actions have concequences, and its his choice how bad it gets for him! And there is always the Karma card, that usually plays well into a well stacked hand!!!! Ok, good luck honey, let me know if you have success, you could pave the way for other mothers! To bad this job didn't come with an owners manual LOL! Robeerta

I agree with getting your son into counceling. There are many reasons kids will act out. Maybe he feels insecure at school or he is having trouble with something. My son was having issues at school(and at home) when he was six and it turned out that he has severe anxiety. He dealth with it by being mean. My nephew gets mean and we just found out he has severe asthma. All I am ssaying is that there can be any number of reasons why he may be acting this way, and you should check into it. It would be a good idea to talk to his teacher and see how he is doing accademically, and go from there.
I wish you the best, I too have a 10 yr old boy. He is also in counceling.

You haven't given a lot of detail, but sometimes it means that they are angry from something that is going on at home.

In most instances, kids tend to bully when they themselves are being bullied. I would try and find out if anyone around your child is picking on them. If you don't think that is the case, talk to the school counselor, principal, teachers, coaches...to see if they have any input. Get your child involved in extra activities outside of school, it might make a difference. Being away from their every day peers could bring new friends that they could talk to. Just ideas to try. Hope it was helpful.

I would start with asking yourself some questions. Has anything changed at home? A new sibling, divorce, death in the family, working f/t? Bullies bully for a reason, they feel bad and they want others to feel how they feel. Though at first glance, it is also about gaining power. What is your son feeling powerless about? I am a mother, but I am also a school counselor. It probably feels very vulnerable, but I would find out as much as you can from his teacher and the principal. And if there is a school counselor I would see if that person offers groups for boys.
This sounds hard, but it could be an incredible opportunity for growth. Good luck.
M.S.

A friend of mine stopped her daughter from bullying mine in the 4th grade by having her call each night to make sure my daughter had a good day and that she hadn't done anything to hurt her. The mom also followed up for weeks. This might work for your son.

C.

I agree, I would check into the others that are "being bullied" by your child. If there is no reason I would explain to your child the rules of behavior and your expectations.

Good luck

Just want to say...it has to come to an end! Just think if that was your child being bullied! You wouldn't want that to happen. You are going to have to have some serious heart to heart talks with your child.

It definitely sounds like your child is dealing with something emotional. This can be so hard to define. Start with simple questions like, "Did this behaviour come out of nowhere?", "Has my family or I through the natural course of busy everyday life not noticed a few signs that my child is needing extra attention?", "Are the child's sleep/eating habits ok?", "Who does my child hang out with when I am not with them?". Of course, media does play a part in todays culture. What do you allow your child to watch or read? I used to have nightmares that prompted bedwetting because I dreamed about what I had watched and then was too scared to get up so I wet my bed. It then became habit. While we tell our kids that what they watch is just make believe they are still getting a message in what they watch. I have tried to instill a sense of compassion and empathy in my kids (I hope it's working!) by sharing things like the civil rights movement, the Holocaust (versions set to age of course), showing them that the actions of people affect everyone. Your child is not too young to start seeing the bigger picture of the world. Maybe give your child the example of a pinch. It would hurt them to be pinched and it hurts someone else the same. With power comes responsibility; responsibility to be accountable for your own action. Maybe you know someone in the police field or could ask your local pd if someone could talk to your child about consequences. For some reason, there are strains in our culture that power is so wonderful; who gets the prize for winning the game, who gets the best grade gets recognition, who wears a superbowl ring, who is not thought of as a loser by winning a fist fight or word contest, who has the best ipod, the lastest game, etc, etc. Success can be addicting and euphoric. As adults we know that life is just not like that. In high school I was a geek, so to speak. Yet now, the prom queen and miss everything is now a coke addict and leads a quite unstable life. Now, I lead a happy and productive life. No we are not in the six figure income class, but my family still likes being around each other, we try to make each member feel like they count. In my mind as a teenager I was going nowhere, yet there was no truth to it. Also, listening is a big deal; not letting a sibbling interrupt is a big deal. What kind of jokes does your child tell? Are they at someone else's expense? What do they talk about or have they quit talking to the family at all? It reveals a lot. I know I am probably going on and on, but little things have a way of adding up to something big. A counselor would probably be a good idea, but you have had this person in your life for 10 years and know more than a counselor does about them. I would probably be asking my child, "What can I do to help you understand how wrong what you are doing is?, "What do you get by doing what you are doing?" The child is getting something for the bullying or they wouldn't be doing it. Even if it is for nothing but satisfaction. Get to know your child again. They do change and they don't stay children. We as parents are there to guide the direction from which our children receive messages in this life. Don't be afraid to filter out anything negative. That is your job.

My husband was a bully all his adolescent life until he got into big trouble with the law at 23. His advice, though maybe harsh, is to take your son to visit and tour a juvenile detention facility to get a glimpse of what's to come if he doesn't stop his behavior. Of course it depends on how severe his bullying is, if it's.just picking on other kids or actually physically hurting them. Maybe this tactic could scare him straight.

This may not be an issue for you, but my husband feels he bullied other kids as a means of control over his environment since he was being physically abused at home by his stepdad. Best of luck nipping this behavior in the bud before it's too late!

When you say your child has become a "bully" what exactly do you mean? There are SO many different behaviors that can describe bullying. Also, who does your child bully? Does s/he have one or two victims or is it anyone who is weaker or smaller? Or is it someone else? How does your child react to authority figures? Respectful? Defiant and constantly in trouble? How does your child treat you?

Bullies tend to be very unhappy and insecure individuals. They generally target weaker people because it makes them feel powerful.

I'm a big fan of karate lessons. I've worked in child care and even a juvenile detention center. The kids who get involved in karate have always seemed more centered, focused and respectful. It's almost as though these kids know what they're worth, so they don't seem to have as many of the insecurity issues, etc. My oldest is going to be five this summer and we've already visited the dojo he'll be going to after his birthday.

It could be something that has happened to him. Some bullies bully as a defense. If your school has a counselor make an appointment to discuss the situation. School should be a safe place for all, and it may be that your son doesn't feel, safe.

I think that you should talk to your kid about it

I highly recommend the book Raising a Nonviolent Child by John Rosemond. It's not just for when things go wrong (like bullying), but is applicable to all families and has some really great advice on getting in control.

first, you need to see why he/she has become the bully. usually it is because there are anger issues stemming from things at home (like divorce, money problems, etc.) or it's because they've been bullied themselves. i wouldn't confront your tween on this unless you've had a VERY open relationship up to this. i would seek the help of a counselor at school or a professional counselor (MFCC) if you can afford it.

schools are so aware of bullying now that they have many resources to stop or intervene with this stuff. contact the office at your child's school. they should have support to offer you.

Take him to conseling. There is a reason he is doing what he is doing. When my son was 8 or 9-he was bullied by a boy who was 2-3 years older than him (the school was a K thru 5th grade) I went into the school and talked to the Principal-he let me know that they know who this boy is/was-that he came from an abusive home-and that he was being watched by everyone, and was aware that my son was being bullied.
I'm not saying that you or anyone else in your family is abusing your son, but there are underlying reasons why he's bullying. When you take your son to counseling, most of the time, they open up more to someone who is almost a stranger to them than to a parent or relative. My nephew has gone to counseling for anger issues (he was 8 when he started to go). He also has ADHD-but my sister-in-law told me she was skeptical, but in the end, it really helped my nephew and her. She learned how to deal with his anger in a different way, other than sending him to his room. He opened up to this counselor, and got to the core of his issues.
There is nothing more un-nerving than to take your child to school, knowing, that there is a bully there who is bullying your son. My son was someone who could hold his own, and actually, felt sorry for the kid.
Good Luck!

Stay at home mom of 2 active, compassionate boys ages 12 & 6-who has been married for almost 17 years.

If it is possible, you might just want to make arrangements with the school to show up at recess one day soon and observe what is happening. Are there other children involved? Is your child being provoked? Is he/she singling out one target for bullying. It could be that he/she needs some coaching in different ways to resolve conflict. In my limited experience with this it seems that sometimes the "bully" just happens to be the one caught being physical at the end of a chain of events. Not saying that bullying is OK but it could be a social skills thing. I do agree that the marital arts thing can really help in this conflict resolution process. It gives them control, focus and trains them in conflict resolution. I didn't know if your child's father is in the picture. If your child is a boy I would definitely have him spend time with his dad or another male role model to get some exposure to that. I would talk to the counselor and teacher as well. If your child is truly just coming out and smacking people or name calling for no apparent reason, then you probably need to get some kind of counseling help.