The Bullies Next Door

That's ridiculous. If you hear them threatening her, I'd call the police. That'll make Grandma wise up. These children know what they are doing is wrong or they wouldn't have run away from you when they got caught making comments. If you feel like that's too extreme, at least threaten to involve the police. The next time it happens, march over to Grandma and let her know that this behavior will not be tolerated... and that if she won't make the children behave themselves, you'll have to take it up with the local law enforcement. To have your child afraid to play in her own yard? Unthinkable.

How obnoxious!

One time when I was in the 3rd grade I was hanging out with kids who were bullying a neighborhood boy. I'll never forget the mother coming over to us to have a conversation with us abou WHY we were bullying. Then she invited us over for a movie night. I can't say I was ever especially close friends with the boy, but the bullying stopped.

Something bullies hate is accountability. Bullying is about low self esteem, a reflection of internal negative feelings, and a belief it is allowed with minimal consequesnces. Adults do it all the time...sad but true. Just saying it needs to stop rarely does any good. But forcing a bully to not be comfortable with short term talks usually stops the situation because longer term involvement requires different coping strategies than short interruptions. Bullies struggle with long term involvement because it isn't easy at first, but then it becomes easier as the experience becomes positive.

Not sure if that makes sense? I might invite them over a few days per week if possible and teach them what a positive interaction looks and feels like. I think most bullies secretly crave this anyways:)

Maybe explain to your daughter that sometimes people are mean because they are sad about something and don't know what else to do but take it out on nice people. And that if she wants to she can help show the bullies how to feel happy again.

Just a thought.

Good luck and I hope whatever you do is a success!

Talk with your daughter and make sure that she understands that what they are doing has nothing to do with her, these kids are just angry at something else, or not very nice but the things they say are absolutely not true. Ask her what other steps she thinks you both can take to make the situation more comfortable and listen to her ideas. She has said it is mostly the older child causing the problem so maybe becoming friendlier with the younger ones, will send a message to the 11 year old that she is not intimidating you. She may be the defacto leader of her little pack who is acting out to protect her own position. You might also try showing the 11 year old that she is not intimidating in small ways - not by yelling at her or correcting her but simply by demonstrating your adulthood. If you are outside at the same time, say Hello to her by name, ask her converstaionally where she goes to school, ask her what grade she is in, ask her about Christmas, ask her about what she's wearing - a lot of kids are intimidated by a conversation with an adult so even though you are just being conversational, she will probably take a step back into a more complacent position. It is disappointing that the parents and caregivers are not providing any direction for these kids but I wouldn't feed the 11 year old's need to intimidate, I would work against in in other ways. Accidentally drop something over the fence and tell her to get it for you - things like that. Of course, keep a close eye on the situation and your daughter's feelings about it because bullying can be very serious but see if doing a little alpha work on the 11 year old helps.

Well apparently they are not disciplined in that home. So you have two choices you can try to make friends with these children or let them know you will not tolerate such talk and call them out on it every time. They will get the picture that you mean what you say and that we can get along without being mean to each other. Good Luck!
J.

I would get firm to the point of ugly with the aunt and grandma. Tell them you want the parent's phone number and they better keep the kids away from the fence and outside if they're going to yell and be mean. Call the parents and tell them that they need to speak to their children about making fun of others and if someone doesn't get a handle on the mean kids soon, you'll call in CPS/DFACS because you're not going to have YOUR child bullied in her own yard! I'm betting the mention of CPS will bring them into line fairly quickly. Sounds like aunt and grandma are too lazy to actually do the job of watching over the kids!

Teach your daughter to be empowered by using "I" statements. "I want you to stop talking to me." "I don't like you yelling at me." Maybe even "I think you're lame..." No--j/k on that O..
Teach her to speak up for herself! (Not sure how old your DD is, but if it applies....teach her to speak up!)

If this keep happening , Aunt and Grandma are not helping. I would be out there every time. First I might try to see if they want to meet your daughter and be nice and play, If that did not work I I would reprimand them myself in a very loud voice. And if the parents call you, tell them you will be reporting them to CPS.

I really liked what Shira suggested: giving your child some truth and strength. That said, if it were happening to my son at my home, I would be sure to be outside every time my child was. Our kids need to know that *we* adults will protect them and will not allow them to be bullied. And yes, becoming a pain in Grandma's behind can help, but only if you are also giving positive direction to the bullying child. "You may talk through the fence if you have nice things to say or you need to keep your conversations for your own family." and other types of direct 'choice' guidance. If it were me, and this was happening in the front yard (because it's more access and a public place), I'd be clear with the bully that "this sort of language and teasing needs to stop. If you can't stop on your own, I'll talk to your Grandmother, and if that doesn't work, I'll be sure to talk to your parents. If you need some help solving a problem with my child, we can talk it out and come up with ideas, and we are going to be finished with the teasing and namecalling." Being a presence is so important, because eventually the child will get the picture that this isn't tolerated At All.

I also would be hesitant to make any invitations for playdates without Grandma present, because kids who bully may also lie for attention from parents, and you don't know what this child might accuse you of. If there's play going on, I'd make sure both parties of adults were outside together. Just for your own protection. It's not your child's job to help this other child become a happier human being or learn how to not be a bully. This isn't something I would put on a kid, personally.

You have to talk to the parents yourself. Stake it out. Walk right over when they are dropping off or picking up. All the Aunt said- if anything- is that the neighbors are a-holes. Let them know you have seen the behavior yourself and spoken to Granny Numnutz and Auntie Lamebrain. Tell them your daughter has never complained, and you wouldn't have even known about it had you not caught them redhanded and heard from your sister in law.

Tell them you'd hate to have to blow this out of proportion when they should be able to handle their own kids, but if your daughter continues to get harassed in your yard, you'll have to report them for repeated disturbance. There has to be some form of harassment you could cite, calmly with a confident tone all like,
"Hi, I'm the neighbor you heard about, Auntie Jerkface (use her real name of course) told me she would speak to you about the yelling I have seen your kids do to my daughter when she's in our yard. Did she mention it? Just so you know, my daughter has never complained, this is me talking. Obviously, you should be able to handle your kids or leave them with someone who can, so it would be a little ridiculous for me to have to report this harassment elsewhere since these girls are minors. Hopefully it won't come to that. I'm sure you can handle this yourself. Thanks."

And I would probably call someone if it keeps up since the neighbors are disturbing you guys and have been asked to knock it off.
I would google "minors law" etc and see what you can find out about minors harassing your daughter in her yard, and who's responsible, and see what term you could toss around to them before you say something.
Sure, this will make them even more hateful and get them really spewing vile things about you in their home (like they don't already), but they MAY JUST threaten them to really knock it off, and it's not like the girls are your friends now. The other alternative is teach the kids they're allowed to harass people and they get away with it.
I really put myself in your shoes and pictured my daughter out there getting yelled at by some brats at their grannies every day, and unless they were armed gangsters, I'd be in that mom's face in a heartbeat every day.

I agree your daughter should shout back and retaliate in general in a fleeting episode at school, but for a home situation, you need to handle it, and model to your daughter how to stand up to people and not get overpowered.

Call CPS. Bullying is a major issue and usually starts in the home. CPS may not actually do anything, but can definitely point you in the right direction. You are 100% correct when you said your daughter should not be bullied in her own home and yard.