How to Teach Gratefulness

Delayed gratification. If they want something they need to show me that they want it and earn it. They don't automatically get treats.

Have her help plan this "special treat" and have it be the same time every week so it becomes something she really looks forward to. (like every sunday at 2)

I made my son sell whatever he had before he got an upgrade. In his day, he had a Nintendo. He wanted the Super Nintendo. So, we posted the Nintendo for sale in three nearby apartment condos. When it and the games sold, we went to Game Stop and bought a new/used one with 3 games.

I modeled delayed gratification.

He is still grateful for things I do for him and he is now a young adult.

My dad gave me the best piece of advice when my kids were little. He said that if you have a choice between spending time with your children or spending money on them choose time. Spend your time taking walks, playing in the park, going to a museum, or kicking a ball in the yard. No money needed to activities. When you are going to get something like ice cream set the expectation before you even walk in the door. "We're going to get an ice cream treat. We're each only getting 1 ice cream cone so pick what you want and we'll chat and eat." When she's almost finished compliment her on her behavior and have her start getting ready to leave. If she asks for another remind her that you each only get 1. Make sure she says please and thank you to both the person getting her cone and you.

Do the same thing if you go to the store for a toy. Set the expectation ahead of time and remind if she asks for a second thing. Again remember to have her say please and thank you. Gratitude and manners are taught every single day. She'll catch on.

We kind of create our own little monsters and then wonder how they got that way.
That's the age where we began scaling back on treats for our son.
Since they were happening all the time they weren't 'special' anymore - they were becoming expected and demanded.
Try to get out of the 'buying something' to 'escape the dull routines of parenthood' mindset.
There are plenty of ways to have fun without encouraging 'give me-get me-buy me' behavior.
Build a pillow fort, or make one out of a large cardboard box.
I'll never forget the look of pure joy on our son's face when I taught him it was sometimes ok to jump into a puddle - I had to sigh sometimes afterward because of course puddle jumping was then irresistible for years afterward but that look was totally worth it!
Read, read, READ to your daughter at every opportunity - story time is always special and it's one thing you/she can never get enough of.
It's bad when every day is Christmas/birthday so start saving up the buying for those times of year.
Not that you can NEVER get an out of the ordinary treat again but it should come completely out of the blue and be totally unexpected and not repeated again for a long long time (like once per season).
That's what MAKES it a 'special treat'.

Imagine this, for many many children a "treat" maybe will happen once a month. Many times, not even that often. So these children learn to really appreciate a treat.

Maybe consider cutting back a lot, so that it is an actual treat. If you feel like you need to do something extra special for yourself do it, but save a some ial treat for your child to be a rare occurance.

Treats are just treats and we taught that being grateful was good manners. Asking for more or demanding more, meant less treats lest often.

FYI, this is normal human behavior, so your child is not bad, she just needs to be guided. We all have to be taught manners. There are children's books about this. I recall an Arthur book and Berenstien Bear book about this.

Do you struggle when your daughter doesn't "feel happy?" Do you go into "I am a bad mom" if she isn't happy? Your daughter lives on planet earth, she will have all kinds of emotions. Too often, as parents, we get caught up in the belief that our children "should be happy." Well, that is not true. Our children will have tons of emotions. Parenting is not about making them happy, it is about teaching them the skills and tools they need to feel all their feelings appropriately. We also need to teach them how to let go of expectations, problem solve, and empathy.

Most of our teaching, though, actually comes from modeling. They don't hear our words. They watch our actions. So, if you give in or feel bad when she is unhappy she learns that she should be getting what she wants. If you simply state that she isn't going to receive something, and then let it go emotionally yourself, she will learn how to handle her own disappointments. Also, look for where you are wanting more, how you act when you want it, and what you do when you feel disappointed. Too often, we are unconscious to our own behaviors and how loudly they are being communicated to our children.

Also get the book 1-2-3 Magic and take a class in Parenting With Love and Logic. These will support you in better understanding your children's behaviors, their developmental stages, and your own contributions to their behaviors.

This is age-typical. She WILL grow out of it. To speed that up just a bit, two thoughts:

Most importantly, if you want her to practice gratitude, then you need to model gratitude. As in, "I feel so lucky that we have this nice nail shop in town, and with such pretty colors. And we're lucky to have enough money to get our nails done, aren't we? Lots of moms and girls can never do that." Don't make it a lecture, make it an expression of YOUR gratitude. And, to back it up, make a big deal of thanking the manicurist, the person at the ice cream shop, everyone. A sweet "Wow, thank you so much" doesn't have to be over the top if you keep it simple, and it's a wonderful practice to model for your daughter.

And, as everyone has said, if ice cream is a daily, or every other daily, occurrence, then it stops being a treat. It's just part of the normal life routine. If you want her to appreciate things, then, paradoxically, you've got to do them LESS often.

This is pretty common for the age. My husband and I joke that Kiddo (nearly 7) is a 'bottomless bucket'.... you could spend 27 hours a day, 8 days a week with him, doing things he likes to do, and he'd still want more. We do get lots of 'thank yous', I want to add-- so he is aware at his older age than your daughter's that these *are* treats/nice things.

I think it's important not to let our fear dictate our actions, so the point of that is to say: your kid is still young, this is fairly typical, it's not a guarantee that she will grow up to be a brat. What you can do to guard against that is to NEVER give in to any tantrum she has. Be clear with her regarding expectations *before* things happen: "We are going to get ice cream! This is a treat! You may have one scoop (or whatever your limit is-- tell her before you walk inside) and then we'll be done for this time."

Modeling is also important for children; we must show them OUR gratitude so they learn HOW to notice things. So, that might sound like "Thanks for getting your shoes on so quickly! Your cheerful attitude makes things so pleasant." and thank your husband/others. One conversation that happens sometimes is that my husband will compliment dinner I've made and I'll turn it back to 'well, thanks for working so hard for us so we have nice things like food and a warm house'... we really try to articulate to each other (and our son) how grateful we are for each person's role in the household, not just *things*.

Teaching gratitude is a long journey. I'd say just keep your eyes on what's happening in the here and now. I also want to add that, in glancing at your post, it may be that your daughter is also having a hard time with transitions: when to leave something fun. Which, developmentally, has nothing to do with gratitude or getting 'filled up' (you know, it is HARD for them to get 'filled up' at this age). So, you might also want to work on smoothing the transitions themselves. And like I said-- if you want to give her an extra five minutes at the park because she's asked nicely and has been behaving, great, but NO giving into crying or tantrums. One thing I sometimes did with my son at the end of park time was to say "Go do your three very last things/your two very last things/your one very last thing" to prepare him we were leaving and then if he complained about missing out on X or Y (play equipment, for example)-- if he didn't go on the swings, I'd say, "Well, now we have something for next time. It's time to go now." Be firm, stay positively focused as much as possible ("race you to the car!") and remember that she's still very, very young. And when the whining and pouting starts, just ignore her or send her to her room. That's a great place for self-indulgent behavior. Try not to take it personally. Little kids just want more of any good thing!

You teach gratitude by modelling it.

Also remember, if you do these things often, they aren't really "treats" anymore. They become common and expected. So back off on the frequency and don't be afraid to say, "No, not this time."

When you do go out for a treat or an activity, preface it by telling her what will happen. "We're going to go out and have ONE ice cream cone." Or, "We're going to get ONE treat and nothing else. I look forward to getting us a treat because I know that you will mind your manners and not whine or ask for something else." And after she thanks you, "Thank YOU for remembering your manners! It was so nice to go out with you today! Let's go get something out of the fridge for dinner. Shall we have chicken or pork chops?" (Move on to the next topic/activity so she doesn't get hung up on where she was or what she didn't get).

Best of luck! She will grow out of this WITH your guidance.

This is normal at this age.
As they near age 7, they "get" things more.
You can still take her to the park, have a treat once in awhile etc. but you
can expect the whining still. Just don't let it get to you & teach that there
is a limit to everything (your tv watching time etc).
Show her when my watch says this number we have to go home.
Sometimes I say, "we have to leave the park but when we get home we
can play cars for 15 mins before I have to start dinner".
Model gratitude by being thankful yourself. Show her by always being
thankful for a gift you received, the sunshine coming out on a cold day,
someone letting you your car in when there is traffic (talk out loud "well
that was nice of that guy to let me in so I could get out of the parking lot",
saying you're grateful the sun came out today, taking toys to a children's
hospital, commenting out loud to the tv when you're watching the news
that you hope those injured feel better or how lucky you are to have your
warm/cozy house etc.
Say "thank you" to the clerk when you check out at the grocery store or
to the waitress at a restaurant.
Donating toys to the local thrift shop so other kids can now enjoy them.
Having her see you write thank you cards for gifts you receive.
Let her see you write birthday cards for people when it's their birthday.
Taking a sick neighbor a meal or soup.
Letting a car in front of you in traffic.
Narrate what you are doing so she notices when you are doing something
nice.
And remember at this age it is normal to want more, to not understand
fully the limit.
YOU have to teach thankfulness.
You can still give her treats now & then like a special day out. You can
still gift little gifts for holidays. Just don't over do it.
Don't be resentful. Being a good human & role model is exhausting but
worth it.
Yes, she will grow out of this WITH your help of setting limits & not giving
her too much. For example, she doesn't need weekly pedicures but
treats now and then are fine.

You teach her by doing the same. It's called modeling behavior. And not for nothing, but she's 3 years old. ;-) This is 100% typical.

You need to script ahead of time what the plans are... that can be very helpful. When she asks for something additional and you're not in a giving mood, then you simply tell her, "I think we've had enough for today. Let's go do something else." If she pushes, as children her age do, then you say, "We won't be getting more ____. No. But it would be polite of you to say 'thank you' for what you already received."

Then when you're in your own home and around others you make sure that you say please and thank you and tell others that you're grateful. Do those things even when she's not around to see it as well as when she is. It's very, very rare that I have to remind my children to be thankful.

I'd like to suggest that maybe when your daughter is asking for "more" she's not simply giving in to her natural instincts, since even adults want more of the good stuff and more of the fun stuff... more of what helps us feel good... but she's trying to extend your outings together.

When it comes to kids, the more you give, the more they expect to get.
Reel it in, and keep it consistent.
For example, my youngest always wanted to get ice cream after preschool, she asked for it every day. Finally I said, we will get ice cream on Fridays, that will be ice cream day, but if you whine or ask for it on other days then we won't go at all, it's your choice.
It only took one missed ice cream day for her to know I was serious.
As far as the dreaded store and toy thing, we simply didn't buy toys on our regular trips to Target. But I would often distract them with something else in advance, today when we go to Target you get to pick out _______. I would usually make it something they needed anyway, a new pair of shoes or slippers, a backpack or lunchbox, a book or DVD, a new electric toothbrush, snow boots, underwear, whatever. But I ALWAYS kept it to that one thing, and if they started acting up I threatened to take it away (and followed through if necessary.)
It's fine to do special things for your kids once in a while, and for no reason at all, but I think dealing with kids day to day is easier if they know there is no negotiating and arguing with mom. If mom says we go to the park for 30 minutes then we go for 30 minutes or not at all, period.

She's only 4. Just say no. Don't overthink this.

key words " things that make her happy"..... for now, I would stop doing so many external things and concentrate on other things like playing a game together, writing cards to people (since our son was little) he's always written thank cards for everything and... for bday, holidays.. cards are a good way to connect with family and friends and ... teach a kid gratitude..
Also, you may just have to stop buying toys and stuff when it's not a holiday... my son got very few things in between simply because he always had enough to begin with..
I think it's important that while she is so young, try not to keep giving into her every whim.. she'll eventually catch on that she can't have everything... she has learned so far that if she wants , she can get..
you can turn it around with a simple NO... she ll complain at first, but better now while at 4, then when older and even more used to getting what she wants...

good luck

What do you do when she asks for more? Do you try to reason with her, do you give in, do you compromise? Whatever you are doing is reinforcing her to keep it up. Kids at that age will continue behaviors that give them a certain outcome, even if it means a "tug-of-war" conversation. That might be "fun" for her.

Before I would give her a treat, I would tell her it is the only treat and not to ask for more or it will ruin the fun time you are having. If she asks for something afterward anyway, tell her you are disappointed in her and go straight home. Every time she says something, repeat the EXACT same thing each time. Imagine her having to hear you say, "I am disappointed that you are asking." "I am disappointed that you are asking." "I am disappointed that you are asking." She will not want to ASK after a while.

Do not negotiate. Do not try and reason with a 4-year-old. Do not explain that you wanted to treat her and now she is ruining the treat. Keep it very simple, "I am disappointed that you are asking."

This works for a lot of stuff. My kids used to say, "That's not fair!" EVERY time, I would respond with, "You are right. Life is not fair and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you are going to be." It got to the point that if one of their friends said something wasn't fair in front of me, my kids would scream at them, "NO!" because they got so tired of the EXACT same answer EVERY time. It actually is kind of fun after a while to see how much control you have over them...

Another thing you can try is tell her that she doesn't get to have an ice cream anymore but that you will take the little girl next door (or a niece, etc.) because she will be so grateful, will say "thank you" and will not ask for another. And then go do it!

You've gotten a lot of good advice. One more arrow for your quiver, and I have to credit my girlfriend for this one. "you get what you get, and you don't get upset."

Best,
F. B.

Time to read "The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies."

But honestly, your daughter is 3. She doesn't know or have the ability to understand why treats can't be all day long, every day. She has no grasp of the concept that you need to go to work to make the money for the manicure or ice cream sundae, and that first you need to pay the mortgage, the oil delivery, your car insurance and dental visit. Little kids have no idea of the adult world. She can't comprehend that you must leave the park by 4:00 because you still have to hit the bank and post office before they close at 5:00 and that what you have defrosted for dinner takes an hour to cook because she just doens't understand how our world works, when hers is play, play, mommy makes me lunch, play, play, mommy takes me someplace, play, mommy fixes my bath ... Little kids do think that the world revolves around them and that we are here only to serve them and meet their needs.

There are a few things that you can do. You can have her earn her treats. You can tell her before you go someplace, exactly what she can expect. Tell her that people only get ONE ice cream. Tell her before the store that she can choose one treat and if she asks for an extra, she'll have to put her treat back and get NOTHING. It's also good to take her to the store with the understanding that there will be no toys or treats. If you get her something every single time, then you are setting up an expectation. Before leaving for the park, tell her you will stay one hour, and that you'll give her a five minute warning. If she fusses at the warning, you leave immediately.

She doesn't know that she should say thank you when you buy her something or take her someplace special. She thinks that she's entitled and that that's just what moms do, entertain them all the time when you're not at work. She thinks you pay for these things with cash from the magic money tree. She does not know that you sacrificed your own haircut to pay for the zoo admission. You need to tell her that when someone gives her something, even mom/dad, you need to say thank you. My oldest is a great person in so many ways, but it would never occur to her to say "thank you" if I took her out to lunch and often forgets to send a thank you text when I send care packages to college, where as my younger teen would always thank me if I took him out to lunch or ice cream or the movies from the time he was elementary school aged. I didn't have to prompt him, he just felt appreciative.

Good luck!

You have to model the behavior all the time. Young children don't really feel gratitude all the time - they aren't necessarily selfish brats, they just aren't "there" yet developmentally. But they do learn that "please" and "thank you" are required.

There are a few things you can try - first, don't make the treats so frequent. It sounds like she expects one every time. Sometimes you just go to the store for errands, not to buy special things. Make a point of saying please and thank you to the cashier, the grocery bagger, the person who gives you directions to Aisle 17, the bank teller, and so on. If the bank teller gives your child a lollipop, be more effusive than you may have been up to this point - how nice it is for the bank to pay for lollipops for children of the customers, etc. Comment on how nice it was for the bag person to bag your groceries, how polite or smiling the cashier was, etc.

You might want to re-think things like getting your nails done together - that's a very special treat for any child, and it may be lost on a 4 year old. It may also make her less willing to do certain things lest she mess up her nails. That's a nightmare to deal with in older girls, and you're starting very early down that path.

Make sure you show her how you are writing thank you notes for gifts you receive - go on and on about how nice the person was who sent you something. If you and her father are exchanging gifts, or you and an aunt (anyone), make a point of writing thank you notes even if it's not "required" by the situation. Your daughter can write thank you notes to the tooth fairy, Santa, etc. You can have her dictate to you, or start with a "fill in the blank" thank you where she can give you the missing words.

Finally, make a point of doing things where no money is required. Go to the park, go on nature walks (take a bucket and bring home rocks to wash and paint - no kidding! - then give them as paper weights to Grandma and Uncle Whoever). Don't take your wallet - and make a point of that. Even if you drive somewhere, just tuck your license and your bank card in your pocket and make it clear that you didn't bring money for anything, that you can have fund without spending $$. Spend more time making crafts or drawing with her, then figure out which masterpieces go on the refrigerator and which ones are gifts for someone else.

Finally, let her see you doing things for other people, particularly charitable work. Make a meal for an elderly or ill neighbor, take her with you when you volunteer for a church function or at a soup kitchen, make a point of sorting through her clothes and toys to find things to donate - and try to take her to a place where you can be thanked by the agency staff and told how important your donation is (how her old toys will go to children who have nothing, or her clothes to children who are cold, etc.). If your town has a program where kids do good works for others, take advantage of it. If you can, find a local nursing home or assisted living facility that has a way for your daughter to go in and color with the residents (those will Alzheimer's particularly enjoy child-like activities sometimes - the activities director will know). Maybe there are things that can be done at the church or her preschool, any place you have an "in" - it could be straightening up the papers in the church pews or sorting the toys at a preschool. Make cupcakes for the firefighters or police, and take her down there to share them - the firefighters in particular are very welcoming in most towns, and want the kids to learn about fire safety and to see the firefighter as a "go to" person rather than a "run from" person. Talk about people who serve all the time, in freezing cold or blazing heat, up all night, etc. Let her learn how many people give of themselves and maybe she will, in time, become appreciative.

Right now, it matters that she DO the right things, and later on, she will understand why and begin to model that behavior.

You just have to get used to, saying no or setting limits.
BEFORE you even go out and do something, you say... explain... what you will do and get. Forewarning the kiddo.

"Gratefulness" is sort of, abstract for a 4 year old.
But appreciation is something they can learn.
Being glad/happy/content with what they got.

And if you cannot afford to keep indulging in what she wants, just say, you don't have money for it. You don't have to lecture about what "budgeting" is, but you can say, NO and you don't have money for that now.
I did that with my kids even if they were Toddlers.
And when my kids were 4, they understood it in a simple way.

And you just have to say, that's all.
Otherwise, sure, you... will get 'resentful.'
And TEACH her about whining. About nagging. About asking for more and more. Teach her manners. HOW to talk politely. About not being so 'gimme gimme.'
I did that with my kids since Toddlerhood, and they got it.
Because, OVER time... a kiddo just has to learn that.
And that, getting things is not automatic.
But also, I never just bought my kids things for every... little.... "reward" or good behavior. I never used, spending money or treats, as the "reward" for their behavior. Their behavior was always tied... to self-reflection. To, feeling, good about what they did or not. Not their behavior being tied to GETTING... and object or something for it. Or a treat.
If you always 'teach' them that GETTING treats and rewards is just "automatic"... then they don't learn that their behavior is... connected to inner satisfaction and working... toward something.

I never just shopped, to shop. There was a reason for it or a purpose. AND I would when shopping with my kids, talk out loud... about what I am buying and the REASONING, for it. ie: Hmmmm.... that's a nice t-shirt. But its not what I need right now. I need to buy groceries...." Or, while looking at the price tag on something, saying things like "This is cute, oh but the price is too high for that. I saw it at a better price at another store... but its not a necessity...." kind of thing.
Kids learn... that way, by SEEING and HEARING you, discuss things like that, to them, in their midst.
Or if I was treating myself to something (which I do not do often) I would say "This is a treat for Mommy... its special, I worked hard this month...." sort of thing.
Once, when I was with my daughter "window shopping" (And I even taught my kids what that was), I was looking at a necklace and wanted to buy it but I needed to get other things more pertinent. But... my daughter, at 7 years old at that time, told me "Mommy, just get it! You deserve it! You do so much for everybody, you should do something for yourself...." and she was SO proud, "helping" me choose the necklace. It was SPECIAL. Not just a thing about buying something to buy something. She understood, the "value" of it... not in money, but in terms of, appreciation and what it meant, inside. That... was the "reward" for her... and buying that necklace. Even if it was not 'her' necklace. To this day, she will tell me "Mommy, wear your special necklace!...."
Kids can learn, the internal reward, for "things."
Not just "gimme gimme" attitudes.

AND if I did, get my kids 'treats' just because... I told them that. That it was a special... treat.... or that Mommy has a little extra money this week, so I can afford something that is like $3 or something. I always, prefaced it. Explaining to my kids. They understood what a special, purchase was. They did NOT EXPECT it. Nor DEMAND it.

When my kids were 4... they understood no. They understood "not now.." They understood, "that is all."

See it as a game. They do that at this age. After all, if Mama will get her this much ice cream, why not try for twice as much? If fifteen minutes at the park will work, why not angle for thirty? And if Mama says no, whining always does the trick, right? And it gets to be the default mode.

So you must choose to play a different game.

Limit the things and increase the time (as best you can). Do things together that don't cost any money. See how much fun you all can have without spending a penny. Scale back the purchases (make sure you're not buying things for DD to make yourself feel good). Give her your undivided (or almost undivided) attention instead. Turn off the phone - or set it on stun - and teach her how to notice all the things around her. Play remembering games, looking games, listening games, even smelling games. Look at the toys in the store, and teach her how much fun it is to *look without wanting*. Take her to the library to pick out books; that's a place where, instead of checking out two, maybe she can check out three!

When you go to the park, wear a wristwatch. If you don't have one, inexpensive ones are easy to find. "See what time it is? [Tell her what time it is if she hasn't learned that.] When the time gets to THIS... then we're going home. No problems, no fuss. Now, tell me what I've just said." So the time is up, and DD starts whining. "Remember what I said when we came? Now, because of the fussing, you won't be playing here tomorrow. But we'll try not fussing again later this week." "But Mamaaaaaa... you don't LOOOOOVE ME!" "I love you very much, and we are leaving." (That's a good line to learn. "I love you very much, and we are not buying that." "I love you very much, and we are..." Notice the *and* instead of *but*.) No lectures. Short and sweet. Your attitude is still friendly, and you can start part of the looking-for-things game on the way home.

When YOUR game is more fun than hers, she'll forget her game after a while. Not that she won't try it again some time, but you'll know how to handle it.

I had to work with my children on this. Then, after my children grew up, we started another "family" by raising puppies for Canine Companions for Independence. I take the puppy almost everywhere with me, and if we're at the pet store or the discount store, sometimes I'll get Puppy a new toy or something. My grown children say, "When we were little, you didn't get US a treat every time we went to the store with you!" And I say, "That's right!"

Pretty typical for a 4yo, actually. At that age, my daughter wanted everything she saw, and we had to work out ahead of time what she would be allowed to have. I always presented it as both a special treat (and it was, as we lived barely above poverty level) and as a reward for a good trip.

IF she didn't end up wheedling for more goodies, we'd enjoy the outing. If she did, we'd go home early, and save the treat for a better time. She learned pretty quickly that our finances, time, and emotional energy had to be budgeted. She's fabulous at this today, and found the same approach with her 4yo son worked well.

Kids don't understand money. They see their parents whip out some cash or a card for everything they want, and just assume that it's really that easy. (And of course well all know how little impulse control a young child has.) Giving an allowance and helping the child develop strategies for saving and spending is not only desirable, but necessary. My daughter received a small allowance from age 3.5, and she had to save half for "parent-approved" purchases or toward life-long savings. I helped her make small contributions/puchases occasionally for children with less than we had. It all helped her establish good money habits.

The other thing about teaching gratitude: you have to live it, and that can be harder than you think. It's way too easy to take for granted all the blessings that come to us every day, many of which cost nothing.

Lots of great answers, many of which I also do with my 5-year-old. She is a very sweet girl and says thank you unprompted. I also enjoy taking her on special outings and treating her, but if she acts up or argues about anything, she knows I'm serious when I say "Sorry, but no." I couldn't imagine what I'd do if she wasn't the sweet kid that she is--I've only ever left a store (due to her acting up) ONCE-and I'll admit it was partially my fault because I knew she was overdue for a nap. I also make an example out of the kids we see/hear throwing tantrums in public. So, part of it *may* be the age, but I think a lot of it is the way you've enabled these behaviors. You can't go "cold turkey" on her, but I'd definitely take a closer look at how you are "rewarding" and "treating" her--for the good behaviors AND the bad.

My "thankfulness" concern was more along the lines of finding something good to be thankful for each day. So, a few years ago, we started this thing where we go around the dinner table and ask each person "How was your day?" After their response, we ask "What was something good, or fun, or special that happened today?" *Everybody* has to answer both questions. Even if the answer to #1 is "okay" or "not so good," you still have to come up with *something* positive to share. I'll admit, some days it is *really* hard to come up with something! Now, it's habit for us and anybody who joins us for dinner is expected to participate, too! If we forget to start by asking dd first, she always remembers and asks us! This has been a great way to open up discussions between our family members and help each other realize that we have LOTS of things to be grateful for.

Human nature - we always want more. One of the tough jobs of parents is to say no. With frequency. My kids used to say "You always say no" and my answer was (and is) "that's part of my job". Kids who never hear "No" are handicapped to reality. In the real world there are plenty of things you can't have : another person's spouse, that really nice car - until you earn the money, that $500 designer handbag, etc.

However - it is pretty standard at age 4 to express the desire for more becuase they're just learning about things they want, which ones they can have, which they can't - why they can have something at one time but maybe not another (ice cream for example). They don't yet understand that things cost money and money has to be earned, and to live in your house and have heat, groceries, TV all cost money and that money is a limited commodity.

Your daughter will learn as you tell her no when appropriate. you will have to explain the same thing about a thousand times - becuase it doesn't stick the first time, of even the 10th or 50th time. Kids need lots and lots of repitition to "get it".

Finally, it's not a bad idea to take your daughter to a food distribution to the needy or a shelter for women & children or something like that. Then she'll begin to understand that they things we take for granted (food in the cabinet, clothes in the closet) might not be the norm for other people.

My kids were like your daughter at the same age. But now my kids (14 & 17) are good at being thankful and good at giving. My 14 yr old son will shovel the driveway of older people and work at a mission serving homeless and shelter families, my 17 yr old just came back from a week in Nicaragua doing summer camps for the kids - and she volunteers regularly with a dissabled child and with children & tween programs.

There's hope mama! They do grow out of this phase with the proper guidance!

I agree with S.H., you need to tell her beforehand what she will or will not get and then stick to it. If she whines or carries on in spite of your warning, then next time you would have time to do something fun, tell her we COULD go get ice cream, but because of the way you behaved the last time, we will not be doing that. Do NOT give in. Then, the NEXT time you go for ice cream or whatever, give her the same information before hand (what she will or will not get) and remind her that she missed out once already, so she should keep that in mind. If she behaves, great. If not, do it again.

I learned that from Love and Logic. Don't threaten; when the time comes, just do!

Maybe have her donate some toys to a shelter? Or read her an article about under-privileged children, re-iterating how fortunate she is? I did this with my son. If her ever whined, I would tell him, "Next time you want to go the park/get ice cream, etc. its not going to happen because you are behaving this way. And then stick to it. My son gave me such a hard time leaving Chuck E Cheese one time, I told him we would not go back there if this was how he was going to act. It was at least 5 years before we darkened that door again.
My son is very compassionate/grateful now at age 10. I always remind him how lucky he is. That things cost money. Daddy works very hard and there are bills to pay and sometimes there just isn't extra money to do things he would like to do. It sucks, but he gets it.

mira, FTW!
khairete
S.

Do we have the same daughter? ;) She's now 5 and is very awesome and understands limitations....after changing my behavior.

Before we walk into the store I have her tell me what the rules are, and what is acceptable. What we are shopping for, even if it's not for her. When we discuss the rules before hand, she is a gem.

She always wants stuff animals.....so when she earns enough stars for various things, homework, sleeping in her own bed, awesome behavior, she has to collect 10 or her stuff animals and give them away to a loving child who needs them. She had a hard time with giving away, so I have her thank the toys for all the love and fun they provided, but now a new loving girl will get to enjoy them. This seems to help her with the process.

Lastly, don't get caught up in thinking that "things" make us happy. The only person that can make you happy, is yourself. Teach that to your daughter and the more grateful and happy she'll become.

S.

My daughter is 5, an I some what went through this, My hubby an I are tight on money and my grandmother spoils her. So when she would start asking us, i would tell her we would have to save for it. So i started giving her an allowance for her to buy toys as a project. She soon figured out that if she had 5.00 and the toy was 10.00 she didn't have enough. Another thing that helped is I signed her up with a scholarship program that makes people get involved. She just made Valentines day cards for the elderly. I taught her that some people do not have anything, like the elderly that are on certain programs usually do not leave the house and some do not know where their next meal is coming from. So she made valentines day cards for them to cheer them up a little bit.

It's a discipline issue like with anythings else. My kids are 7, 5 and 4 and sometimes they need reminding that it's rude to keep asking for stuff. Sometimes, when it's not in the heat of the moment, we have talks about gratefulness ad not constantly thinking about what we want and not constantly asking for stuff, but YES, it's normal for the age, so once you say no, you need to enforce with a warning if any brattiness, whining, repeating the request, fits, whatever happen. If it continues past your warning you discipline it. First treat it like a rule, then it will become a habit.

When she's older she'll understand better how to be empathetic to your feelings and to be less selfish with her desires. My 7 year old is very selfless and knows better than to act that way, but at four she tried it. My 5 year old is half-way there. At your daughter's age, you have to be totally in charge of her behavior. Don't get angry, just respond and enforce right away so it doesn't make you frustrated.

I find modeling behavior at this age to be totally irrelevant. I'm a kind, thoughtful, generous, polite person who doesn't whine and complain and beg for stuff. My kids however failed to notice that at 4. They had to be disciplined.

This is a struggle at this age. I found I had to lay down some harsh punishments to get the notion of gratefulness across. One time even taking away a gift indefinitely.