Do your kids express appreciation for fun things you do with them? If you, say, took them to a museum or something that they wanted to go to, would they (unprompted) say "Thank you"? Would you expect them to? My husband and I are very grateful for the advantages we have, and are definitely two of life's optimists. So we are modeling grateful behavior and words. We feel like our son, 5, has no appreciation for the cool stuff he gets to see and all the fun things he gets to do. It's like he takes it for granted that he gets to experience such things. He's very polite and good with "please" and "thank you" when it comes to concrete items ("May I have a glass of milk please", etc) but doesn't seem to understand that he should be saying "thank you" for experiences, too. Do you know what I mean? The other thing we find frustrating is that the tiniest little setback makes him seem to just magically forget ALL the good stuff he gets to do. He's the kind of kid that, if we took him to get ice cream, and he asked for sprinkles, we'd say "sure, buddy, get sprinkles!!" and then he asked for hot fudge, and we said "no, sorry, you can have the hot fudge OR the sprinkles, not both" he would act like an ungrateful little cuss. He wouldn't even be happy to get ice cream and sprinkles--it would be all about how he can't have hot fudge, too. This is my first 5 year old--is that typical? When you do neat stuff with your kids, do you just do it without expecting anything in return? My husband and I feel like, if we took the time, effort, and money to expose him to something fun, then the least we could expect is 1. a simple "thank you" and 2. GOOD behavior!! My husband is pretty much ready to just not do anything nice or fun with the kids anymore since they don't appreciate it. I feel like although that's a tempting natural consequence, it seems like a shame to deny ourselves the fun of going places and doing things, and also deprive my daughter. She's 3 and I don't have the same expectations of her to express appreciation. What can we do? Do you all have dream children who snuggle up at the end of the day and say "thanks for a great time"? Or do you not expect them to do that? Do they just need time to gain perspective? My son, especially, just doesn't realize how good he has it. Is it a good thing that he can take it for granted? I know I can't make him FEEL grateful, but I certainly can make him express gratitude for his great life. Unrealistic expectations? Am I being selfish?
@Leslie: What a great idea! Maybe I'll see where I can get the kids to help out in the community so they can gain some insight. Thanks!
Showing appreciation is learned behavior-and it doesn't come about by someone sulking because it didn't happen the way they wanted it to happen.
he is only five and he doesnt know he is supposed to feel grateful. He will thank you for the ice cream you bought him or the toy but he doesnt really know the rest yet. I used to tell my kids when they were little and we would go places " hey tell daddy thanks for taking us out to _________ today" eventually they get it. Mine are 8 and 15 and they get it.
Yes it is normal for kids to be that way. However, that does not mean that you can't take steps to mitigate it. My husband will (and did even at age 5) have "talks" with our kids about bigger things. Things that I'm betting most parents think their kids aren't old enough or "mature" enough understand or process. But, you can talk to them in terms they can understand. And if they understand the terminology you are using, then they can LEARN to see the bigger picture. Yes, sometimes it has to be pointed out. But that's what was as parents should be doing: teaching our kids.
Now, do you have these "talks" in the heat of the moment in front of the ice-cream counter when your child is in the middle of his ungratefulness? no. Maybe a few hours after you get home, you take a quiet moment and call them over and sit with them and say "hey. You know, earlier when we were at the ice-cream parlor....." And take it from there. You don't have to do this (and I wouldn't recommend doing it) after EVERY event when they are ungrateful. They are after all, KIDS. And they WILL naturally BE ungrateful a lot. But a few conversations scattered here and there, over time, will help them start to look outside of themselves. It is a habit they have to learn to overcome (selfishness, self focus) and it is developmental that they have a very small capacity to see the world from any other viewpoint than their own when they are small. As they grow, their capacity to grasp another viewpoint will also grow, but they will not USE that capacity if no one leads them to try to look and see it.
I think you're being reasonable, but you have to model the behavior you're expecting. I always say things like, "Thank you for taking us to the park Daddy! We had such a great time!" in front of my kids. Then my oldest will chime in, "Thanks Daddy!" Just keep modeling and before you know it, your kids will say it first.
I think you are asking for adult behavior from a 5 year old. How does he know that all 5 year olds don't get to do what he does? How does he know that all of these experiences are special treats? That is his life, and that is what he thinks it should be. Like the other poster said, you can model the behavior in front of the kids "thanks Daddy for taking us to the Park" (as said below) and eventually they will get it. I don't think your son intentionally not being appreciative. He just has more learning/maturing to do.
It sounds like you are expecting him to "stroke" your ego . . . kids don't do that (unless that's the only way they get "love" or attention from a parent).
It's a hard and thankless job sometimes - but ultimately we are the teachers and the examples, for better or worse. I try to resist the urge to expect mature behavior from little people who aren't quite there yet.
What helps me is to stay in the "teacher" mindset - unconditionally loving, but with firm boundaries so that the child can be secure. Do I always succeed at this? Heck no. By the time we get it all figured out they're grown up. I guess that's why grandparents are so awesome sometimes!
Good luck.
Crazy! It's like you are talking about my 5 1/2 yr old son! We have the same problem and I have been asking myself the same question for a while now! I am glad to hear that it sounds like a 5 yr old thing but I agree with mommyof2boys...we could probably set better examples in front of them and hopefully that will make some change. I am sure that at this age they are just so egocentric that they don't even realize what they are doing. I guess if he sees me and my husband showing gratitude towards each other more then maybe he will do the same. Thanks for posting this question!
Do you involve your children in any volunteering or donation experiences. When I was a kid, my grandmother worked at a hospital. On Halloween, I would get in my costume and distribute candy to the kids in the pediatrics ward (who were allowed to have candy.) I remember feeling badly for them that they couldn't go trick or treating to get their own candy. I had some very profound moments doing that which stick with me today and instilled in me a deep sense of appreciation.
Also, at least once a year (usually before Christmas) we would go through my toys and donate the ones I didn't play much with to "a child that doesn't have toys."
Get creative and get your children actively involved in some sort of philanthropy. It gives a concrete foundation to abstract concepts like gratitude.
One thing I've been trying to do with my kids (although I keep forgetting) is to ask them what their favorite part of the day was before they go to sleep. It's a great way to talk about the day you had, to focus on the positive things that happened during the day, and try to encourage them to be happy about all the things they did (I read about it as a prelude to a gratitude journal for adults and older kids). It could be something to try.
I do think it is all about perspective, though; he doesn't know how great he has it, because he's never known anything else in life. I think when he starts to get older and learn that there are others in the world who do not get the experiences that he has, it will help. Good luck!
Totally agree with MomF. My daughter is 5 and I could see her doing the same exact thing with the ice cream as your son. We recently had a day where we went to breakfast as a family, then to the park, then to lunch, then watched a movie together (at home) and when she had to entertain herself so my husband and I could get some chores done, she was such a pain about it. She was mad about how bored she was going to be and how we never do anything... Of course we pointed out all the stuff we had done THAT day. We are not normally that busy on weekends and I think it was just her way of expressing her disappointment that all our family time had to end for a little while. And we do have frequent conversations about gratitude and appreciating what we have, particularly when it comes to the grandparents and not expecting gifts, but that is another issue! When she is being particularly ungrateful when we are out (and this doesn't happen all the time) we tell her that we are out to spend time as a family and have a good experience together, not listen to her complain. This helps to bring the focus back to what we are doing (having family time) instead of getting worked up about whatever she's fixated on (like if she was mad that she couldn't have sprinkles and fudge) and feeding into it. You'd be surprised at how often that works. Occasionally we offer to go home instead if she doesn't want to start behaving. Modeling gratefulness (and I admit I could be better about it too) is a great idea. I think 5 year olds are still pretty literal and have a hard time with an idea like gratitude.
You are not being selfish! Gratitude is very important. I agree with all that others have said—I try to model behavior that I would like my boys (ages 6 and 9) to have.... commenting on how lucky I am or we are to have X, Y or Z, or how going out to the movies or dinner is such a fun treat. My husband and I are self-employed and so sometimes we are comfortable and sometimes struggling and my kids know that there are ups and downs, even though we try hard not to let our finances affect them. Kids can be perfectionists due to their idealism— my 9 year old can have high expectations of a new toy or experience, and that can be difficult for both of us to navigate. I try to remember to have patience and be kind when he's expressing his disappointment (though it may irk me!) and help him to look for the positive instead of focusing on the negative. Also, I don't think anyone mentioned, that communicating what will happen ahead of time always makes for a smoother, happier experience. You can't see around all corners, but if you talk through your outing with him ahead of time: We'll get icecream today— what one topping will you choose? He can feel more in control of what happens (5 year olds want power!) and therefore happier and easier to hang out with! Good luck!
Keep modeling good manners. He will get it.
My hubby thanks me for making nice dinners. He is out of town and my 10 yo son thanked me for fish sticks, but said exctly what Daddy says, these are the best fish sticks ever, you did a good job mommy. HAHA They came from a bag in the freezer.
When you go to a place of business always thank the clerks and wait staff. THe kids will pick it up.
When you hand him something say Thank you Mommy, then he will know what to say when.
You have to teach them when and what to say.
Always thank your husband and he should thank you. When you are thanked then respond with you are welcome.
Also no means no, and no whining about more. If my kids put up a fuss about ice cream and hot fudge they woudn't get any that day, natural consequences.
Right now in Fredericksburg one of the schools is collecting items for the homeless students for the summer. So we went out and got a bunch of balls, bubbles, buckets, hygiene supplies. We are taking them to Spotswood Elem this next week after break. THe paper has done a few articles on homeless children. In Spotylvania and Stafford counties we have over 800 kids who are homeless and either living in cars, motels, and in one case there was one under a bridge. This is just one way to give back and learn about those who are not as fortunate.
One day your son might go to bootcamp. Then he will write you a letter and thank you for being his mom, he'll thank your husband for teaching him how to iron and make a bed military style and he'lll thank you both for being sticks in the mud. I still have that letter. :o)
I'm so glad you asked this, we have the same issue with our son who turned 6 a few months ago. I don't have a definitive answer, but I have a feeling it is related to age and expectation. Meaning, we as parents, expect a child at age five to be aware of what we are doing for them. But they, as five year olds, just don't have the maturity to do so yet. My son, like yours, is so polite and kind and helpful at home, but when it comes to outings he acts JUST like you describe your son. Now that I'm thinking about it, he probably is so excited to be out and doing something fun and he expects perfection, that when that ONE thing goes wrong it just bursts his bubble. My son also tends to be very sensitive and have strong reactions in general (happy, sad, frustrated, tired....) - is this maybe the same for your son? I'm just thinking out loud here, don't really know if there is a "fix" or if we just have to keep being positive and gently give our child perspective when they are being ungrateful.
My oldest started doing the thank yous and hugs when he was 3, but I think it is because he was in a situation where he knew others didn't get to do some of those things. We took him on his first mission trip to visit the Navajo nation when he was 3. We did not point out what they did not have have, but in giving them clothes, blankets, equipment, school supplies, etc and in visiting the clinic, he witnessed that people needed basics. So our "extra fun" stuff was really and truly "extra". I also would babysit a family of 4 boys occasionally ranging from ages 7-13, and we'd take them around with us to do things with our family...they had NEVER been on a picnic, to the botanical gardens, to ANY museum, had only seen prints and not real paint, had never been to the drum shows or cowboy shows or fishing. They thought our "quick" meals (spaghetti w/meatballs, salad, garlic bread? fried fish, french fries, and salad?) were really cool and fancy. I remember J just looking at them and looking at his plate like "really?" but staying quiet. We tell him that God's blessed us because He loves us, but we are blessed TO BE a blessing to others. And that we love him and want him to have fun and all the good things we can provide. He thanks us all the time. So yes, I think helping in communities where he sees things is a good way for him to appreciate things without you having to preach appreciation at him. On the other hand, modeling is super important! At bedtime, we talk about the good things from the day and thank God for them. But of course they are kids. Somedays, they are going to be childish and throw a tantrum over something. My big problem is when the day ends....we've had a great day, why are we crying because it's bedtime??? (I want to get annoyed about this, but on my "mature mommy days" I know that it is because he just doesn't want to see it end...but I'm not "mature mommy" ALL the time, just like the boys aren't perfect angels all the time). :P
If he has grown up doing and seeing these great things all the time, he probably just takes them for granted as a natural part of life. My daughter, 5, and I just went on a road trip. Because this is out of the norm, she was grateful and said how much fun she had and thanked me for taking her. When I take her to the museum, it's an out of the norm thing, so she thanks me. But, if she did these things all the time, and always had, I can see where it would be ordinary to her.
As for ice cream and only one topping, that's normal. My kiddo does this. I tell her she can choose one. When, not if cause it will happen, she gets upset I remind her that she needs to be grateful for what she does get and have, and not upset about what she's not getting. Be happy for the thing you did get and think about that instead of being upset about what you didn't get or you will get neither. She's getting better. She's even told me that she needs to do that when she's started to get upset, so I know it's in her brain somewhere.
Uh, do you think the bar might be just a little bit high?
He's only 5. What you do is, after an experience you wish him to thank you for, you say, "Now say thank you." Then he says thank you.
You keep doing this. Eventually, they learn to say thank you. And when he is older, even when he is not always perfectly polite with you, others will tell you how polite your child is, so you will know you taught him well.
Keep modeling good manners. Your boy is normal, you are not "selfish," but your expectations are a little unrealistic, to think a 5 year old should automatically know to say thank you after every occasion. That's what his parents are there to teach him.
i see at least two separate questions here.
1. as far as experiences go it hard for anyone to imagine their life without the experiences to which they're accustomed. my daughter enjoys all the concerts and shows we attend but i doubt she an appreciation for them like someone who rarely has the privelege. we talk about have fortunate we are but i'm not sure how much sinks into her five-year-old head. we also talk about cost and choices we have to make, etc.
2. the ice cream example is a thing. if the choice is sprinkles or hot fudge then you choose. if you do not wish to choose or are complaining about the choice than you get none. gratitude for a thing is much easier for a five year old than an outing. for me the expectations are not the same.
Are you modeling gratitude for him? sometimes I say "how lucky are we to live in this nice house" and things like that. After a fun day or trip we all talk about our favorite parts of the day.
