Also Trying to Get 5 Year Old to Remember "Please" and "Thank You"

Typical. Lather rinse repeat.

It's good for her to remember, but do you say pleas and thank you for everything at home? There is no better way to teach them.

I'm a huge fan of the please and thank yous and am happy to see another parent that finds it equally important! My oldest is 7 and it is finally engrained in his head. He rarely needs prompting.

My 4-1/2 year old still needs prompting, but less and less frequently. Sometimes if they forget when asking for something I will just stare at them with a slight expectant smile on my face. That usually does the trick.

The other night the youngest asked for water w/o the requisite please. I had a little dialogue about how every. single. night. I have to remind him to say please and that he should have this down by now. Funny thing is that the next night he totally got it! Ha!

I think by 6 she will really start to get it... keep up the good work and the reminders. I promise it will not last forever! And polite kids are so wonderful!!

I agree with Suz T. to a large extent on this issue.

I also think it is yet another way for her to exercise power with you - to me it sounds like she wants attention. Negative attention is better than no attention (in her mind - not saying that you're not giving her attention).

She sounds like a very smart, strong-willed little girl. That will serve her well someday. But you may have a bumpy ride getting there!

no, i don't think it's typical, but it DOES depend on the family dynamic.
this might sound judgmental, apologies in advance.
after decades of school, pre-schools and homeschool groups, i've come to realize that you can tell the kids who are raised in homes where certain courtesies are par for the course, not something 'taught'. in families where the parents use please, thank you, excuse me, bless you, sorry, do you mind etc, the kids just do it. no prompting. but we (yes, me too) tend to be laxer in the comfort and safety of our own homes, so are less courteous with our kids than we are with others, and THAT'S what most kids learn.
the best way to raise kids who always say polite things is to be polite to them.
i've heard it argued that then it's not really polite, it's just rote. they're not thinking about gratitude, just blurting out what they've been programmed to say.
i'm okay with that.
i think your method can actually be effective, just remember that it's a teaching tool, not a test. it's okay to remind her 'i'd like to hear that please, first, please' instead of 'what do you say?' which has overtones of passive-aggressiveness that does seem to get a lot of kids' backs up. but above all, courtesy in your casual everyday encounters with your kids is the absolute best way to make it an ingrained habit.
a funny sidenote to that, we always said 'bless you' when anyone sneezed, so absent-mindedly and automatically that the boys integrated that into their unconscious lexicon. to this day my adult sons mutter 'bless me' whenever they themselves sneeze!
:) khairete
S.

It may be because of where we live, but all of us use please and thank you with each other at all verbal transactions unless as a parent we are giving a directive. When it is just part of your natural conversations, there is no reason to have to try to remember. Even out in public.. Thank the cashier, thank the person that bags the groceries the teller in the drive through, the fast food cashier, the kid in the parking lot that offers to take your grocery basket.

"Please go and tell dad, I need ten more minutes. Thank you. "

"Please excuse me, I need to go and check the laundry"

"Please pass me the potatoes. Thank you.."

"Please help me find my keys.. Thank you.."

"Please hold the noise down, I a am on the phone. Thank you. "

"I need you to go to your room and begin putting away your toys. Thank you.. "

"Thank you for holding the door open for me!"

"Thank you for being ready on time! I like the way you were ready early this morning. "

Other graciousness, will also teach her how to treat others. In the parking lot, someone is taking the grocery basket back, offer to take the basket for them if you are in your way into the store. "May I take your basket back?"

"May I help you reach that box?"

"Pardon me, I did not realize, I stepped in front of you, please go first. "

"Oh, you only have a few items, please go ahead of us."

"May we have 1 pound of the ham, sliced thin. Thank you."

When the whole family uses their manners and language, it becomes normal.

Are you actually using please and thank you with her with everyone? I mean always.

Kids learn better from us than from telling them stuff. As adults we actually forget our manners. I hardly ever hear people saying please or thank you with merchants a lot of times with little ears right next to them.
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Thank you was my third child's first words. I was always at sporting events for my older kids and wearing him. Every time he dropped a toy someone would pick it up and hand it back and I always said thank you. He was around 10 months old when he was handed a toy and before I could get it out he said thank you. Guess he heard that more than anything else.

Kids learn best from example.
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Hehe, never say what are the magic words to my kids, they will say abracadabra. :)

Yes, you have to give prompts. But you also need to model it in front of her. Do it a ridiculous amount, too! "Thank You, honey!" " Please pick up your toys, honey" until you want to barf! (LOL!) She's 5 and a bit strong-willed. But mom, she's not a small adult. Big difference in the way she internalizes things and the way an adult does.

Pretty typical, from my experience.

I am less hung up on the 'please' and more focused on the 'how'... a polite "mom, may I have some.... " is preferred to "pleeeeeease mom! I need the..."

If it's politely asked, I just let it go. If he took the time to politely get my attention, wait for a break in the conversation, and looks me in the eye when he asks, I won't correct this. If he's calling from where/what he's doing, not willing to come find me, make eye contact-- just yelling out his question~ then we correct.

"Stop, let's try that again"
"I need you to come and ask me in a friendly way" etc.

I will also offer prompts. If I ask a question/offer a choice and he is taking a moment, I'll prompt: "Just 'yes, please' or 'no, thank you' is fine." We model polite manners quite a bit as well (the adults).

One thing I will say which bugs me is when "Please" is referred to as 'the magic word'. It is not magic; it is polite. I caution my husband on saying this, because it implies that if you can just say 'please', you will get what you want, like magic. There is no magic in my decision to let you have peanut m&m's or extra stay-up time... there is only deliberation and common sense and your behavior up until that point which will influence my decision!

DVM:

All three of my kids needed reminding every once in a while! It's okay...what did I do? I said - "I know I heard a please with that - right?" or "what do **I** say when I want or need something?"

She should be following your lead or her dad's lead. that means that she hears please and thank you from YOU as well. If you don't do - why should she? It's the do as I say - not as I do "thing" - I'm not saying that is what is going on in your home. I am saying that she might not be hearing it from you guys so she isn't repeating what she hears at home.

Please make sure that you aren't just TELLING her what to do but saying "Jane, will you put your shoes on - please?" Kids mimic us. They are our mini-me's.

Good luck!

I haven't read the other replies, but...

Keep on prompting. It may drive you crazy, but keep on prompting. You would say, "Don't run into the street!" a million times until your child got the idea, right? Courtesy is like looking both ways, because it saves relationships (and sometimes lives). Of course, you might say it in different ways, but ... keep prompting.

Right now your daughter is saying the words only because Mama wants her to. She isn't at the point at which she will do it unprompted, because she doesn't really understand why she is to be asking politely and being thankful.

If you don't want to remind her verbally, try raising your eyebrows as you look (stare?) at her. Maybe she'll pick up that cue.

I'm sure you model this sort of courtesy at home. With me, I found, when my children were small, that I wasn't modeling that behavior as much as I thought I was doing. So I decided I needed to say "Please" and "Thank you" to absolutely everyone - the cashier at the grocery, the child whom I needed to dress quickly, the woman I was walking around in the store aisle, my husband when he did something for me. Did some people laugh when I said to the dog, "Rover, sit please! ... Thank you!"? Yes indeed. But it helped with the learning - and the please/thank you habit certainly became ingrained in ME because my children are all in their 30s now and I'm still saying please and thank you to the pets!

I would try a different approach to the reminder. Instead of "what do you say?", try saying it exactly like she should; "thank you mom". I think they start to hear it better and more automatically when you use the actual phrase you want them to use instead of a prompter phrase. Thats how I've done it and my 2 and 5 year old do surprisingly well remembering please and thank you's. I also remind them to make requests not demands instead of ignoring their demands. For us "what do you say?" has not been as successful as these other approaches.

Remember to use the words yourself. Be the model for the behavior that you expect.

And not for nothing, but clearly the fact that you're using the phrases, "What do you say" and "Try that again" don't mean anything to her. When you're at home, tell her straight out. Why are you being so subtle? She's only five. Five year olds don't do subtle.

"Mom, can I have ice cream?"
"Not until you ask politely."
blank stare
"Honey, you need to say please and thank you."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Keep prompting but when she gets it right really go over board with praise for her wonderful manners. Most kiddos love to be praised (for anything) and if you "catch them" getting something right and reinforce it that will help them remember the next time.

Good Luck.

M

Yes you just have to keep at it. You also need to make sure that she hears please and thank you every time you ask her to do something and every time she hears you or DH ask anyone for something.

I always use those words when I am speaking so the kids naturally learned that growing up. The model their behavior and language after what the hear and see.

This is SOOOOO typical. We have done this with baby signs since my son was using them - he is 6 still forgets. HECK! I and other adults forget. I suggest you keep track of how many times you use please and thank you too and see who else needs work, please.

A lot of times, kids also get so excited when given something they are too busy celebrating the "Lollipop" or "Sticker" they forget to say thank you. I know that happens to mine often - I have to take him out of the celebration for a second to say thank you.

Mine's yet to reach 5, and she's just started using 'Please' and 'Thank you's liberally...got to work to get this habit to stick.
But this reminded me of something. I taught DD to say 'Bless you' when someone sneezes, and she took to it very diligently. When we were travelling to our native country, where the common phrase similar to 'Bless you' is something different in our native tongue. Whenever a grandparent or uncle or aunty sneezed, DD would go jumping up and down in front of them saying 'Bless you's, until someone noticed her and said, "Why, thank you!". Now my whole family says 'Bless you' whenever someone sneezes. :)

Ignore the request until she looks at you weirdly and then say, "I did not hear, 'please'."

I think it's somewhat typical of the age. Both of my kids had some trouble at that age. (And even occasionally now that they're older.) My younger one is almost 8 and is now at the point where she will ask for something without saying "please," I ignore the request as if she hadn't said anything, and she corrects herself, "Oops! Sorry, Mommy! May I PLEASE have an apple?" And I'll say, "Oh, that was a nice way to ask. Here's an apple." And then if a "Thank you" isn't immediately forthcoming, I hold on to the apple until she giggles and says, "Oh! THANK YOU!" But at 5, she would forget a lot. Now, more often than not, she remembers her manners without being reminded.

You just have to keep at it, eventually it will stick!

This reminds me of a funny story. We were at a restaurant and the waitress set down our plates in front of us. I said "thank you" and my husband did but my 6-year SD old did not. My husband reminded her to say "thank you," which she did quite sullenly to the waitress. When the waitress left my husband told her that she needed to say "thank you" because it tells the person that you are grateful for what they have done for you. I responded with "maybe she's not grateful!" to which the 6-year old sullenly replied "I am TOO grateful! WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM??"

We both had to laugh, much to the 6-year old's surprise :)

It took a LOT of prompting and explaining and manners training. I almost died the few times someone would say to her "You're so pretty!" and she would reply with "Uh huh."

My SD was bounced around a lot between houses and no one cared if she had manners, they were just happy to have time with her and catered to her ever whim. When we started working on manners it took a while, but then eventually it stuck. Just keep on it!

Never had a problem. Ask, "What are the magic words?"

You have previously explained that they are "magic" because they help get what you need faster and making everyone happier. It works.

Perfectly normal kid, and she will remember in time. Keep reminding/prompting.

Jut keep reminding her.
You know, watch out for the forced over use of certain words...they loose their meaning in the shuffle....

Just keep reminding her. I think it's typical.

I agree, and its embarrassing when my kids, 4 & 7, are given a lollipop or sticker by someone in public to have to say, "what do u say?" Only to get the forced, obligatory thank you!