"Gimme," "Have To," "Go Get My.."

It's a phase. When she tells you "Gimme..." just tell her, "Only if you ask properly." If she doesn't ask properly, she doesn't get the item. Repeat as necessary. She will get it eventually.

I get the feeling the 2s were fine because you never said no to her. Now you are sort of saying no and it doesn't look pretty.

The question is, I would like some milk please. Go get my...is completely unacceptable as well.

She simply does not get anything she wants until she follows the rules, end of discussion. Stop trying to be her friend and be her mother.

Oh and model the language you want. Don't be sloppy and expect her to be perfect.

ES,

I try really hard not to overtalk the behavior I don't like. In your case, I would be very clear with her. Calmly: "Try it again. 'Mom, may I please have some milk?' Now you may say it."

I do this with my son. He is six, and I don't point out his mistake, but usually tell him 'try it again'. When he was younger, I would give him the appropriate statement --short and sweet-- to repeat. "Mom, will you please read this to me?" or "Mom, could you please get my....?"

When he repeated the phrase, I'd then reply "I'm happy to help when you ask in a friendly way."

You have mentioned her 'scripting' you many times now, ES. It's time to stop even acknowledging those requests, period. I know this will be hard for you, not to go into explaining the reasons why this is not a preferred method of being spoken to, however, listen carefully-- *as long as you continue to engage with her when she starts up with being bossy and demanding you repeat after her, she is still getting attention for the behavior, thus, the payoff*.

I don't know what you want to do with that, but ignoring the demanding behavior is something to consider. "Use a friendly voice, please." is all you need to say. When the friendly voice and proper request come out, consider giving her positive feedback. "I like being asked in a friendly way. I'll help you with that in a minute."

Another thing I do when I'm getting a lot of 'requests' for "mom, do this for me, do that for me", esp when there's something my son is capable of doing, is that I give him a Yes and a When. "Yes, I'd be happy to get your clothes out for you when I'm done with the dishes." or "Yes, I'll be able to get that milk for you when I'm done folding this laundry."

Pick and choose what you are going to correct her on. If you are constantly redirecting her, make sure there are also consequences when she is misbehaving or not leaving you alone. ES, I've kicked my son out of the kitchen on more than one occasion when I was trying to make dinner and he simply wouldn't let me think. "I need to make dinner and you won't stop asking me for things, so now you need to go play. I'll call you when I'm ready for company again." I do this in a matter-of-fact way, not mad, just "you're dismissed, I've got stuff to do buddy".

So, stop talking so much about the behavior you don't like (and why you don't like it), give positive feedback whenever possible, use some selective ignoring skills, and give her the proper phrases for this. Be sure you are modeling polite asking, too. Some parents bark and forget that they're teaching the kids to do the same thing. Good luck!

I must have said it when I was a kid, because I remember my mom always saying to me "Gimme died go get it yourself!" And for the record, I don't say gimme anymore, so there is hope for you!

It's relatively normal. You simply tell her how to say it properly, and then look at her expectantly until she does so. Don't even make a move toward what she wants until she changes her tone and wording to a kind, respectful way of speaking. Eventually, you'll only need to look at her expectantly and she'll remember. And after that, she'll start saying it on her own with no expectant looks.

Please don't say "what's the magic word?" or "what do you say?" I know kids who will ONLY say please if prompted in such a way and the whiny "pleeeeeeease" it elicits is downright obnoxious.

Encourage her to do things on her own, and don't give in if she throws a tantrum or flips out. Model patience. Model please and thank you, and expect it in return. And be sure to nip disrespectful tone and body language in the bud. I told my boys, "we don't talk to people that way because it's rude." I also immediately disciplined disrespect. Rolling eyes, stomping feet, muttering under the breath....still disrespectful, even if they're doing what you asked them to do.

Good luck.

Most people go through this, ES. My mother used to say "How do you ask?" and continue what she was originally doing, without missing a beat. That was always our cue to say "please". I've heard friends' kids ratchet up the conversation when they can't get their way immediately, screeching like little hellions. When those moms jump to placate their kids to keep them from yelling, they are just teaching them to do it more and more and get more demanding. One friend of mine apologized to me for the spectacle and before she could give in to the demands, I asked her to stop and think for a moment what she could do to help start preventing it. Once we talked about it (amidst the screeching), she was so grateful that someone (me in this instance) didn't care about the noise and cared about teaching an important lesson. Several months later when I went back to her house, her daughter had improved considerably.

When my kids were little, I used my mom's sentence, as well as "What's the magic word?" I also used the old standby "I can't understand you when you whine" and "I can't understand your words when you are yelling them" and then proceeded to ignore them until they talked normally. They learned pretty quickly that they wouldn't get what they wanted acting like that. (Oh, and I'll add that I NEVER allowed the whiney "Pleeeeeeeese". Reminders like "what's the magic word" or "how do you ask" never elicited that kind of behavior because I wouldn't have put up with that... Why would I let them substitute one bad habit for another?)

It's all a process and the fact that you're doing it with her means that she will eventually get used to it, if you are very consistent. You don't have to have long conversations about it. Saying the same thing day in and day out and refusing to cave to her demands is what is most important. Hopefully by the time she is 6, she will be a real sweetie where this stuff is concerned.

Hang in there!

Telling her she is a big girl and can get her frog herself, is not teaching her to address you or other adults/people with respect. IMHO, you should have her repeat it in an acceptable way and THEN tell her she can go get it herself.

I believe that she has heard people speak to other people this way and she is modeling what she's seen. Babies are sponges and are taking EVERYTHING in ALL THE TIME. When you don't realize they are watching and learning, they ARE! This is what she has learned thus far. You need to switch up the lessons so she is learning what you want her to learn. EVERY moment is a teaching moment!

Manners aren't intuitive, that's why finishing schools exist/ existed to embed these social conventions so that they become second nature. It will take plenty of repetition. Keep at it. If you want to up the ante, make it a punishable offense, and put her in a time out for failing to use her manners.

Your exchange would then look like-
-gimme some milk.
-use your manners or you'll get a time out.
-GIMMEE some milk.
-you didn't use your manners, go to time out.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think we all go through this.
In my house, I'm a broken record with the phrase "I didn't hear any nice words. Want to try again?" And I don't move until I hear a polite request that, at the very least, contains the word 'please'.

3 is a hard age. So is 4. And any other age.
All age junctures, has its difficulties.
Its not like one day, a kid just turns into a pleasant little daisy.
But starting from NOW, you need to show her, it is WRONG to act that way.
Even if it is a phase.
And then hopefully, she will not act that way in school either or at other people's homes as a guest.
Some kids do, act that way wherever and whenever.
Some do not.

I would just tell her NO.
Be direct. You cannot always, just redirect her, at 3.5 years old.
In some situations, you just have to be pointed. Not just using redirection as a solution. The kid ain't learning anything by redirection.

This is normal. Preschoolers are pretty much still wild animals. Civilizing them is a struggle, to be sure. I perfected the blank look with raised eyebrows, as in:

child: "I want juice!"
me: (blank look, raised eyebrows)
child: "Umm... May I PLEASE have some juice?"
me: "Sure, I'm happy to get a cup of juice for a polite child!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

At 3, if I get that, which it does even in my most mannered children, I say "Please rephrase that, if you want a cookie ask me politely and I might give you one.". If they need a prompting I give them one, but they do not get what they ask for until they ask me nicely.

Every interaction between all of you in the house AND out in public with others should be proper.

May I please have a Happy Meal with apples and milk. Thank you.

Excuse me, pardon me, May I , no thank you, You are welcome.

When children hear this all day long by all of the adults and all of the children, it just becomes a part of their natural conversations.

Thank her and give her approval every time she gets it right. Your welcome. I like those nice manners. Nice words!

When she does not use her nice words, say, "Uh oh, I think you forgot your nice words." Or "I do not understand Gimme, or ugly manners."

Or "I am going to let you try that again.. What is the polite way to ask for milk?" When she gets it right.. make a big deal. "I knew you could do it! I knew you would remember the right words to ask with!..

It will take practice and it will take all of you modeling the same behaviors with her. OOps, excuse me. I did not mean to interrupt you.

Pardon me, please pass mom the glass of water. Thank you..
Your husband also needs to use his manners with her and with you..

It will become a natural thing really soon.

I too think it's really important not ot over talk this stuff. Most kids go through a phase where they are trying out "different" ways of saying things and being demanding or rude is part of it.

When my kids whined or spoke in a way we felt was rude I simply said "rephrase that please" or didn't acknowledge it at all. They figured out very quickly that bossy, rude or whiney language does not get you what you need in this world.

Perfectly normal. You are doing fine - just over and over and over and over. Trying to make it a little bit fun does help. 'I know you meant to say 'please mommy, may I have a glass of milk'.

"Sam? when you can use a kinder tone and ask me in a respectful way, I would be happy to go get your frog."

that was always our approach with our DS. not every approach works with every kid but what i can say with confidence is that whatever method you choose it should be simple, to the point and (not yelling but emphasizing) CONSISTENTLY APPLIED EVERY SINGLE TIME which includes your DH as well.

you'll get through this, every day she gets older and more mature and she will learn to meet your expectations. it will all turn out just fine. :-) S.

The first thing I always found that works best it to model the behavior yourself in all interactions. "Please go clean your room" "Please turn the light off" "Please wait until I am done with this before I help you". "Thank you for the hug" "Thank you for throwing your trash in the trash cans" "Thank you for waiting until I was done with what I was doing before I helped you". Kids learn by watching and copying. I see far too many parents that go straight to "authoritative parent", do it because I am the parent and I said so type thing. The parents forget their manners. My kids will even call out my husband or I if we forget our every day manners! Something we do not find insulting or disrespectful and we do apologize. It is even OK to over do it. Really made a point of using the behaviors, almost exaggerate them, but not completely as you need to be sincere. But there are also limits to this. If you have to ask say 3 times for them to do the same thing, starting out with being polite, it is of course OK and a good idea to become sterner. "I asked you politely to clean your room and you still haven't. You need to clean your room and I am no longer going to ask you politely." Saying please is not giving them a choice to get out of it, simply phrasing it politely and with respect. They still have to clean that room!
When my kids forget to use their manners I point it out. "You're not using your manners. That wasn't a very nice way to ask for something. Please ask again, nicely."
Explaining what is considered proper manners in a situation after it happens and giving reminders if it happens again. "That wasn't a very nice way to ask that. You weren't using your manners. Remember we ask nicely, Milk please?" Pick a sentence that is within her verbal skills. "May I have a glass of milk?" may be too much for her, but "Milk please?" Is acceptable and a step in the right direction.

I agree with some below posts that "children are sponges". That does NOT mean it is your fault. I mean - I think it is a safe bet that MANY people do not say "please" and thank you" to her!

Adults, especially adults who do not think of themselves as having to be role models for children, may do and say all types of things around her.

You might want to have an honest conversation with her about grown-ups she knows who do not say "please", etc. (Including you, if you ever forget!) Ask her to make a mental note of any time an adult "forgets their manners" around her, and discuss it at home.

It can be hard for kids to understand why they need to do something if they see plenty of adults not doing that thing.

I ignore the kids when they talk like that. They get madder and madder then I look at them and ask them if they were speaking to me in a calm surprised like voice. They say or yell YES> then I have the opportunity to teach them that they cannot speak to anyone like that and get anything they want.

When they say can I have xxxxx I say "How can you say that nicer?" and they always respond the correct way and say "May I have some xxxxx please"? Then they get what they're asking for if it's anywhere the right time because they corrected themselves and used good manners.

Of course we all go thru this. Your daughter may be a tougher nut to crack especially if dad is too indulgent (as you've mentioned) But you no longer need to tell her HOW to say it, just remind her she needs to say it correctly. Get your husband on board by making it fun, so he doesnt see it as you being too strict. Draw some lil monsters saying "Gimme" and "go get my" and "you have to" and hang them up with big red circle slashes to get started, Say these are gone from our house. React in mock horror when she says those phrases "Oh No! You didn't say that..!! " "WHAT? what did you say??" "They left our house for good!" or react in complete confusion "what? what do you mean????" stare at her blankly.
And give her some control, not a strict dictatorship. You've told her already to use please and thank you so dont keep rephrasing it for her. If she is a typically verbal three yr old she does not need you to say "say it like this....please may I have milk" Give her the control to rephrase it herself, not repeat what you tell her to say.
Another fun thing to reinforce this is to teach her sign language for please and thank you and then use the signs as well as the words. But remember having her repeat after you is only good for two yr olds, she should already know how to say it she just (like most 3 yr olds) needs reminders.
"If she goes to school or Sunday school remind her how the teacher phrases things "Time to line up boys and girls" not "GET IN LINE, NOW"