How Do You Cultivate Thankfulness Within Your Children?

The old fashioned way with shame and guilt. Works like a charm.

Sigh, I am my mother after all.

:(

When did you start teaching them to say thank you and please?

They may just need a refresher. I don't know when they don't need reminding, but up until they move out - I'll keep reminding them how polite adults act. :)

What everyone else has said, manners, please & thank you, "acting" like you're grateful for things is important so others see that your children appreciate what they do for them.

I think TRUE gratitude is a completely different emotion. That comes from empathy and seeing others in situations that are different and often tougher than their own. You can teach them to be polite but true appreciation for what they have and gratitude for their lifestyle comes from seeing how blessed they are. Comparing your own life to others is the best way to cultivate appreciation.

Have friends from different socioeconomic groups, volunteer, educate your kids about the world and remind them constantly about how lucky they are to have what they have. I've found education is the best way to teach children appreciation and gratitude.

#1 i don't know how old your kids are but mine has been told/reminded to say thank you about since he was old enough to say it. he's 6 now and i still have to remind him sometimes but he's good at saying it. (he is more likely to forget with me and dad, but almost always remembers when it is anyone else, so that's okay with me.)

#2 we don't go overboard with "things". ours is an only so from early on we have been sensitive to outside people's opinion that he would be spoiled. i leave that to grandmas and aunts and uncles. we don't go all crazy for every birthday (we try to do something fun but save the big party for every couple years). holidays/birthdays are usually a handful of presents, not tons and tons. we don't ever buy toys or candy at the store unless he has his allowance that he has earned, and wants to buy it himself. he does not wear designer clothes.

#3 we pray. it doesn't happen every night (bad momma) but we do our bedtime routine and thank God for the things in our life. sometimes it's fun things we got to do, sometimes it's for good friends and family to visit. sometimes it's just for the good meal we had. i think making a point to list the blessings in our life is a huge step towards appreciating them. if you don't pray, i have heard of people doing a "thankful list" as well.

You cultivate thankfulness by reminding them to say thank you. If they don't say it on their own just quietly say, "it's time to say thank you or wht do you say?" You also cultivate thankfulness by modeling saying thank you to them and others. They learn from watching you.

When I first became a mother, I expected a child to have already learned to say thank you. Yes some have but most haven't until they're teens and only then do they say thank you if someone has consistently reminded them to say it. Even then, many teens need a refresher course. They become more self absorbed and unaware of others.

I agree with everyone else. Manners and gratitude are learned and practiced. I think sometimes we want to give our children more than we had and we expect them to be thankful because we know how much we really do give. The time and money we spend to do special things (that takes away from others things) is lost on them. Verbalizing your appreciation for the things that they do or other people in your life do for you is a good way to bring some attention to gratitude. Reminding them to say please and thank you isn't out of the norm for these ages.... like reminding them to chew with their lips closed, it becomes a habit after being reminded over and over.

I also have begun having my kids write thank you notes when they get gifts or money from family. I also began to see a change in my kids when they started buying things with their own money. They began to see the cost of things and appreciate what we would buy for them.

Bwahaha - Teressa N is cracking me up. . .

But on another note,
Well, there are some things as kids they just take for granted because they are kids and everyone develops a sense of awareness differently and at different times.

Take time to expose them to situations that are different than yours. For example we try to adopt an Angel every year, I take my kids with me to do Meals on Wheels when they are out of school and even a random Saturday afternoon at a soup kitchen or even helping a neighbor.

Once kids realize the level of work behind niceness, I personally, have seen their appreciation for others blossom.
Good luck and yes, good answers by others already:)

I think you have to rethink how you look at this. I've got a bit of a headache so bear with me here.

I have 8, and I can remember many times feeling like they just weren't thankful for all that I did for them. Like I was being taken for granted and was raising spoiled and entitled children. Now this was my view, it was a good friend once who made a point that actually made sense.

So let's take your pancake example, it's easiest, that was a request. He should have said thank-you, but he didn't. So in your case I would have just said "your welcome" and waited for the sheepish "thanks" that would have followed. Accepted it and moved on.

The clothes and small gifts, are these things they asked you to do or did you do these things because they make you feel good as their mom to do? If you look for gratitude at every corner with your children you are always going to be disappointed. Many times as parents we look to our children to validate what we do for them, when really we do it because we love them. We shouldn't need their validation or gratitude, it will come, when they are older, but when they are younger there are somethings we do...just because.

Now as my older kids are older, and a few living on their own. I find that anything I do for them is followed with a thanks and an I love you, because now, at their ages they get it, but it didn't happen until they started doing a lot of what I did for them on their own. That's when true appreciation set's in. Not the false sense so many parents look for before a child has the ability to really understand it.

I think money and thankfulness/gratitude go hand in hand. I'm always trying to show or explain how much things cost and how much money that really is. For example if we go to the movies and spend $$, afterwards I will make sure the kids know exactly how much is spent. Also what else that same amount of money could buy, groceries, a pair of shoes, a video game etc. I has helped some.
For example I don't think kids feel a need to show thanks for you buying them a new pair of shoes because in their mind, they needed shoes... who else is going to buy them? I get what you're saying, and hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.
I don't think you went overboard on any of your examples. Just lead by example.

First by modeling the behavior that you want.

Then calling attention to it when needed like saying "oh that's great now say thank you".

Urge them to say please & thank you every time. For everything like when they order at a Starbucks, toy store etc.

I have them thank people for their gifts, grandparents, friends for coming over etc.

The only way for me to teach my son how to be thankful IS to be thankful.
I thank him every time he does something for the family or myself which is helpful/contributes to the good of others. I thank my husband a lot; my husband nearly always makes a point of thanking me at dinnertime for a good meal; we thank each other for little helps which might go unnoticed otherwise.

We also do (sometimes) prompt him to thank the other parent. So if my husband gets Kiddo's bike down from the porch, I might whisper "Tell Daddy 'thanks', that was nice for him to do that for you." If we go out for a special treat/occasion, I remind him to thank his father, "he works hard so that we have money for X".

We do thank-you notes after gifts are given, too. It's old school, but I believe that the physical act of sitting and writing that note helps him to focus/understand the purpose of the task.

What's come of it is that we have a kid who spontaneously thanks us a lot now. He's almost 6-- so we've got a birthday coming and more notes soon enough.

When he's older, I'll have him do something I do every so often: make a list of ten things he's thankful for, be it people,places, things in our neighborhood, material or spiritual items. I think the other thing we adults do to help is NOT complain about what we want. Lastly, we have been teaching him the value of money with a small allowance and the ability to earn more with extra jobs. Now, when he asks for something at the store, we remind him "well, if you really want it, you could use your allowance"... that usually ends the conversation. He is learning not to expect us to buy things he wouldn't spend his own money on.:)

I agree with what others say -- modeling behavior; emphasizing manners; and yes, even talking to kids about "acting" like they are appreciative of something even if they aren't feeling it much for real (like smiling and saying "I sure can use this!" when they thank a great-aunt for the basket of toiletries she gave them for Christmas!).

I'd add that from a young age we can also teach kids to think of gifts in terms of the givers. What I mean is: If my daughter is reading a book I haven't seen in a while, I would say, "I'm glad you like that -- Aunt Alison gave you that and the other one in that series too." And then my daughter starts to talk about how she enjoys the books and she remembers other books from that same aunt. (This actually all happened this week.) Or if I pull out an Easter decoration to put it on the table and she says it's cute, I might say, "I know, I love this one-- your uncle picked it out!"

I think that reminding kids (gently, when it comes up) about who was behind something they use or see is a way to keep their family members or friends in their minds. My daughter knows that her late grandmother gave us the Advent calendar, and her uncle gave her a particular necklace, and a friend gave her a special headband, because we usually say things like "Oh, I wonder how your friend Elsa's doing, that headband makes me think of her" and so on.

Thankfulness begins when teaching begins. You start by saying "thank you" to them. You ask them to repeat, "please, may I, would you, will you and thank you," as part of teaching and tying shoes.

Many times you will feel that you have not gotten through but when your children visit other families, then you hear that they were so well mannered from the other kids' parents you know you have succeeded. However, they should still say these words to you for special deeds you do for them.

Examples are the best thing to foster thankfulness. Have them go with you to a shelter so they see what it is like to have less and be appreciative of what they have.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

I always had my children to write thank you letters to people for gifts and I modeled for them the type of behavior I wanted them to exhibit. I would thank them and affirm for them regularly during our conversations how exceptional it is for people to go out of their way to be kind. I even provided materials for them to decorate and design their own stationery or cards and that was always fun for them. Today, I encourage the same thing in my grandchildren and even though thank you notes are somewhat antiquated in the eyes of some, I get them from my grands for gifts, etc. and I know they are aware of how important it is to appreciate and thank people for what they do.

Many other moms have already said this, but I agree that having good manners is one way to teach the beginnings of thankfulness. As soon as my son was able to repeat words after me whenever he started pointing at things for me to get for him, I made him always say please before getting it for him. Before he could use whatever I got for him, I made him say thank you. Everytime without failure, I had him repeat 'please' and 'thank you.' If someone gave him something, I reminded him to say thank you. Just keep reminding your kids to say please and thank you. Hopefully at some point if you are consistent, they will do it on their own.

One way that I have tried to teach my son to be thankful is by teaching him to be a good helper. I have given him little jobs since he was interested in helping. Back when he was just two years old and right at that stage where he liked to move objects from one place to another, I started teaching him about laundry. I had him take the clothes out of the basket and put them on the bed. Then with a big smile, I told him thank you for helping me do laundry. At five years old, he can now sort laundry into lights, darks, items that need attention (stained, ripped) or are to be placed in a laundry net, bathroom towels, and kitchen towels. He makes sure clothing is turned the right direction for cleaning. (Printed things are turned inside out. Cordury is turned inside out. Other clothes are not inside out, so that they are easy to hang and fold.) My son is better at doing this than my husband. (Here is an example of teaching your child to be a great partner in the future.) He can hang the laundry on hangers or over a rack and clip to dry. He can take them off the line when dry. He can fold almost any type of clothing or towel. He also puts them away. He even folds mom and dad's clothing and puts them in the correct drawers. Every time he does something to help me or his dad, we always tell him thank you and how happy we are that he helped us. It takes consistency and a lot of reminding myself that the rewards are when he does it without me asking at some point in the future.

My son is so wonderful that he actually notices when I am busy and ways that he can help me now. We were running late one night, and there was a huge pile of laundry on my bed waiting to be folded and some more hanging on the line that hadn't been taken off yet. After my son finished his bath, I usually have him play quietly or read books while I take my shower. My sweet little guy decided on his own to fold all the laundry and put it away. He did two large loads of laundry in 20 minutes. When I got out of the shower, he was sitting in his room with a book. He had this huge smile on his face. I went back to my room, and discovered the laundry pile wasn't on the bed. I thought my husband had come home and folded them. When I went to the living room to see, the clothes on the line were gone. My husband wasn't home yet. I went back to my son's room, and asked him if he had folded the laundry. I got a big smile from him. I started crying I felt so happy. I told him thank you. Now he doesn't always fold it perfectly, but the point is that he is folding it. He has sometimes mixed up my husband and my clothing, but it isn't so hard to find it if he has mixed it up. The point is that he was trying to do something nice for us. Showing him that I was thankful for his effort, got more effort out of him. Now when I fold his laundry for him, he will usually say thank you to me for helping him. That night he surprised me by folding and putting away all the laundry was one of those 'guess I am doing something right' moments that I won't forget. Modeling thankfulness is the best way to teach it.

We also pray every morning and every evening before bed. I have my son tell God what he is thankful for that day. No matter how small it is and no matter how bad our day may have been, I have him find something good to be thankful for that day. We also pray before meals and say thanks for the food and for the person who prepared it. If we eat out at a restaurant, I always have him thank the waiter or waitress before we leave. (We live in Japan. After eating a meal that someone has prepared for you, you always say 'gocchisousamadeshita' which roughly translated means "That was delicious (satisfying). Thank you.")

My son has seen other kids who don't have as much as he does, or other people who are not as healthy has he is, and this has also taught him to be more thankful for the things he has. His grandfather is on kidney dialysis and sometimes can't eat well or do things that he wants to do. My son has seen grandpa struggle. Later my son often says that he is thankful that he knows it is important to eat healthy food and exercise so that he can keep his healthy body. He also wants to try to help his grandpa feel happier even though his body isn't as healthy as it used to be. I think it is important to make those cause and effect connections with being thankful. They can be stepping stones to teaching other important topics.

Its a constant struggle for us too. One thing I have decided to do when my kids are old enough is to travel to a third world country to do some mission or relief work. Everyone I know who did mission work came back a different person. Sometimes i remind myself of a story that happened to friends of mine when I cannot afford all the nice clothes and furnishings I dream of. They went to visit missionary friends in Africa and found out that the villagers who invited them over for dinner borrowed spoons for them to use as each household owned only one spoon. Each night a different villager invited them to dinner and each night spoons were borrowed so they had a utensil to eat with.

There is a lot of local relief work that can be done to instill gratefulness as well, soup kitchens, food banks, woman's shelters....

Hi L.,
This is a very interesting question. We,moms, always want to instill this attitude in our children. I have 2 boys and I always remind them about being thankful and show gratitude to others, in different ways, and I can tell that you can do several things like:
Do not give your children everything they want, or do not give them too many choices, in this way they will get use to it, and will not find any value in whatever you give them, and they will ask for more and more.
Encourage them to write Thank You notes (or nice drawings when they're little) to people who give them presents or intangible things like a compliment, a nice sharing, a fun story, etc.
Nurture your kids nice and kind attitude by verbalizing when they are nice and grateful. ("I noticed you are being nice with grandma who gave you this sweater!", "I am glad you liked my present!", "I feel so happy that you liked the pair of shoes that I got at the store today!")
Have your kids visiting a nursing home or a low income day care facility and donate toys or things needed in there.They will value what they have and learn to be kind.
Practice at home, make kindness a natural part of your lives. ("Could you please give me the vase", Thank You!"' "Thank you,name, for helping me and take the trash out." Things like that.
Pray together and say thanks for what you appreciate (material and non material things.
In Thanksgiving, do activities such as making a list with 50 things each member of the family is thankful for.(there are more than 50, believe me!!!)
Every night at bedtime or in the morning during weekends ask your kids about the best things have happened to them during the day or the day before.
I hope this helps, I believe that little things together make a great impact on our children, just be patient and lead the way!!!

My 12 year old does local mission work for our church. I think that has done a lot to keep him appreciative.

I always make sure my kids know how fortunate they are and we do alot of volunteering with those who aren't as fortunate as us. I think exposing kids to the world and what other families don't have is important. It cultivates thankfulness when they are able to see outside themselves. Also encouraging good manners helps as well----I would make sure when they get a gift no matter big or small, that they say a heartfelt thankyou. If you feel they have become accustomed to too much, take it away until they gain respect and thankfulness. Good luck!

Maybe you answered your own question. It didn't seem to bother you right away, so at the same time you didn't feel the urgency, neither did they.

I would take the clothes and kindly tell them you are going to put it away until they say thank you.

That usually wakes them up.

Well, for one, you can model it. Thank them for jobs well done. Thank other people. Have them see you appreciate things.

For two, have them help you. If they see how much work it is, they might realize more that they should be grateful when you do it.

For three, talk to them. "DD, something is bothering me. I took you shopping and got you a lot of nice clothes but you never said thank you. When someone takes the time to do something nice for you, you should thank them and appreciate it."

I wouldn't expect every action to solicit a thankful response but I would pick out some big moments and remind them "this is what you say thank you for". I also have the kids write out thank you notes to friends and family for gifts received.

Let them do it themselves. They will learn to appreciate it more. Like the middle school kid could make his own pancake, and you could let the daughter get an allowance and buy her own "M. approved" clothes...that's the only way humans in general are thankful when they experience life for themselves without "handouts"...no different with our kids...PS:Not sure who is older..

I worried a lot about this when my SD was about 6, and NEVER said thank-you, never acted grateful for anything, and was often demanding of people to buy her things. If you didn't offer she'd beg. If you agreed to buy the thing, she'd ask for two. This was a result of the way she was brought up--people bought her things for no reason and she didn't have to earn anything. Manners weren't taught, and she was rude, bossy and demanding.

First, we stopped buying her things. That didn't prevent grandma and grandpa from spoiling her, but we stopped. She got a small allowance to buy her own things. If the money was gone, it was gone.

Then, we started requiring a "thank you" if something nice was done. We started with reminders, but when that didn't work then we took back the thing that was done to bring attention to the fact that if WE didn't do it, then she'd have to do it for herself. For example, if we brought her something (like a glass of juice) and she didn't say "thank you" then we'd walk the juice back into the kitchen and she'd have to go get it herself. We had to do this for a while because she was so used to people just doing things for her and she WASN'T thankful, she just thought it was "owed" to her.

It did start to sink in that things weren't OWED to her, we did things to be nice. Things started changing, and not only did she become more grateful, but she also started thinking about doing things for others as well.

We also explained that if she wasn't thankful of things that others did, then they wouldn't want to do things for her anymore.

She is now more grateful, more helpful and she has wonderful manners. It took a while, but we were steady on the course. Some comes with maturity as well.

Your kids don't sound very bad off, just go with reminders that you are a person too, and that saying "thank you" lets you know that they love you and appreciate all you do.

The big "Thanks" may not truly come until they are adults.