Hi I'm here seeking help. I been married 3 years and been with him for almost 5 years .. this past months I been having lots of emotions about my husband .. the reason I get so upset is that he Always has excuses not to Share time w our baby but he has time and energy for others. Ive try and talk to him but he ignores me or says I'm Just dramatic. Today in the night one of his so called friends called him at 2 in the morning so they could pick him up from a bar.. I asked my husband not to go but like always he didn't listen ... what can I do or should do....? Almost a year ago our baby got relly sick I had to take her to the hospital and instead of him waking up and helping me take her he sleept... he endedup coming to the hospital at 6:30 am.... so I asked ilhim if his friend the one he just picked up is more important than our daughter cuz he did wake up for him and not my baby...
Thankyou alll for the advice.. it relly help me understand from someone else perspective ... thank you alll from the bottom of my heart. ;) thank you all once again
Sounds like you two need marriage counseling. Sounds like he wasn't really ready to be a father.
Try to get him to marriage counseling with you B., before you walk away.
Hugs~
Dawn
You're giving two incidents that would upset me, but I can see reasons why my husband, who is caring and a great dad, would have done both. Several reasons. I usually don't take this route, but I wonder if maybe you are being a little dramatic -- it's hard having a little one, and 3 years is still relatively early in marriage. I'm a lot more forgiving of my husband now than I was at 3 years. The only thing that truly concerns me from your post is his unwillingness to address your concerns, valid or not. But again, with my husband, I can pick really bad moments and bad approaches to talk about my concerns, or I can pick good ones, and it makes all the difference in his response.
I don't know whether you're falling out of love. These are irritating incidents. They may even be indicative of true problems. But marriage is work. With maturity and patience, you can both make big strides toward a better marriage.
ETA: Please remember that everyone here comes at posts like this with their own interpretation of events, based on their own experiences. I can't say that he doesn't want to be a father, and becoming a single mother and removing his child from him is a rather dramatic step at this point. Dawn recommends counseling, which is a great idea, or even some sort of conflict resolution with more experienced married couples. Good luck!
First of all -- most men aren't very excited by babies. Men become more interested in their children after age 2 or 3, when they are talking and doing things. So don't be upset that he isn't very excited by a baby.
HOWEVER, as OneAndDone said, you sound very young, and I assume he is young. Being "in love" isn't the issue here. What is important is that you have a husband who is committed to his family. If he is spending a lot of time hanging out at bars with his friends, and not going with you to the hospital, that is a problem.
I hope you have good family support, because if your husband is not very interested in you and his baby, your marriage probably won't last. Make sure you have a mother or someone else who is helping you. Don't worry about "love," what's more important is that your husband is a part of his family.
Good luck.
I dont think you're falling out of love. I think you're sick and tired of him acting immature and irresponsible. He still could change. My husband grew up around age 29 (luckily I met him just after that) My cousin grew up at age 43. My ex isnt there yet, but that is because alcohol and drugs can stop a human from growing. (could that be the problem with your man?) You need to be ready to talk to him in a calm, mature and LOVING manner (maybe some counseling first would help you to do that) Then talk to him about how much you love him and how much the baby needs him. Leave out the anger and accusations, the goal is not for him to apologize, not for you to justify your feelings the goal is for him to agree to counseling.
You and he need to get marriage counselling. BUT, get it from a real marriage counselor. There are a lot of people with the proper credentials that have a sign up that says "marriage counselor", but what they really are is divorce counselors.
Its real easy to hurry and get a divorce, but its much more difficult to do what needs to be done to help your marriage. You go the easy way to get a divorce and from then on it is much more difficult to raise a child by yourself and arrange visitations, find the money to pay for the basics of food, clothing and shelter. Marriage has been the foundation of society for a reason.
Married couples fall in and out of love many times during a long marriage. The smart ones realize that the sun doesn't shine all the time unless you are in the Saraha Desert.
Go to the book store and look at the book 1001 Ways to be Romantic. Its not the be-all end-all book on being nice to your spouce. Its a start. Watch the movie "Fireproof" and then get the companion manual "The Love Dare" and follow what it says to do. Things will get better, but you and your husband must be mature enough, caring enough and smart enough to want to make it work.
I'm 100% certain if your husband were to write in with his version of events the story would be different.
Keep trying. I've been married 39 years, and if my wife and I had parted the first time either of us "fell out of love" we wouldn't have even made it to the first decade mark.
Good luck to you and yours.
I have been married 24+ years and there are major ups and downs all the time. The time when the kids were small was the hardest, since you are both very tired and each often feels they are doing more. The only way to make things work in the long run is to talk. But that has to happen at a time when both are able to listen. We have started using a question before starting a discussion: "can you glass take some more?" since when your glass is already full (you are overworked, over tired, stressed) you can not take any more or it will overflow (anger, sadness). The other will answer is either yes, or in a few minutes, or can this wait until Saturday. We have also started updating the large calender in the kitchen sometime during the weekend. That way we can discuss who is driving which kid to what, car status and repairs needed, doctor/dentist/ortho appointments coming up, nights out with friends or work and who will be home for the kids, major bills that are coming up (that water heater is on its last legs, let's start budgeting for that), etc. etc. If he won't talk at all, then you could make a long list of practical issues that you feel need to be addressed and leave an open column and ask him to write in which ones he can take care of. We divide things fairly old-fashioned in that I do stuff inside the house like laundry and floors and toilets, and he does lawn and house repairs.
i agree with Dawn.
just because you're upset and unhappy, or consider yourself "out of love" with him, does not mean it's over. it means it's time to pull up those big girl panties, and FIGHT for your marriage and your family. get tough mama. he is acting like an immature child- he hasn't adjusted to being a dad and a husband. mine was similar...would have been just like it if we had been younger, probably. i see my hubby in the things you mention.
we had other issues as well. i put my foot down. he decided that his family was worth it and he shaped up. (btw, this took years, not weeks or months. it took a LONG time and a LOT of work on both our parts) it may not happen that way for you. you both have a lot of growing and maturing to do. marriage is not easy, it's work. HE needs to give a little though. you be strong B.. your baby girl is worth it- and i imagine there are things about your hubby that you still love. focus on those. remember why you are with him to begin with.
maybe get a sitter one night and have a date night. TELL him that you're doing this so he better not make any other plans. get him to yourself, reconnect.
it took my hubby, truly, a couple years before he really "got" the dad thing. it's not fair or right, but it happens. you just be there for that little girl. and you can help them connect (which is when he will really start being invested). leave to go to the store and make sure you're gone for an hour or two. force them to interact. the more you can get him invested in his little girl the quicker he'll wake up.
you do NOT need to throw in the towel, trash your marriage and your family and your baby girl's life, just because he is immature and selfish. most of us start out that way to some degree. i wholeheartedly disagree that walking away is the right step at this point. this is what's wrong with marriage these days. he's not perfect, and i bet you're not either. the best thing you can do is accept that. NO marriage is perfect. the next man won't be, either. better to do EVERYTHING you can to fix this one. if he loves you he will be willing to keep trying. good luck!
ETA- after your SWH-
the one piece of the puzzle that has to be there for all of this advice of ours to work is, HE has to be committed. if he's not, i'm sorry to say dear, there's nothing to fight for. :( it does take two.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it doesn't seem like your husband is interested on any level. I do not know your full situation, so I can't really comment. It looks like you have a decision to make and unfortunately, you are the only one that has the full information to do so.
I agree with Dawn (I so often do), with this addition: if your husband won't go with you to counseling, go by yourself. It can be helpful.
Pretty common problems. Doesn't make them easier to take. Talk to him at a time when things are going well. I would bet he doesn't have any idea how close he is to losing his family. I have to tell you love is a choice, not just a feeling. If you talk to women who have been married a very long time they will tell you there a long stretches of time that you just have to have faith that love will be worth what you are going through now. I am writing to tell you it is. Worth all the time, effort, patience, and investment you can put in to it. There were times I felt like I was raising my kids alone and times I don't know what I would have done without my H. It's kind of like renegotiating your marriage all the way through. What's happening now needs to change and it will, slowly. Communication is key, not ultimatums.
There will be times your H will need to have patience with you too. My kids are almost grown and I love my H for being there all those years. Would I choose to have more kids with him, no way! I tell him that was the hardest thing I have ever done and if we have more kids he will give birth to them!
But having done it, there is no other way to do it right than together.
When being with that person no longer sounds good to you.. That's when you know you have fallen out of love with them.
It sounds like reality has settled in for you. He doesn't want to be a parent. Is that okay with you? I'm guessing not. At this point all you can do is leave and make a better life for you and your child.
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I'm in no way an advocate of divorce. And I'm all for counseling.. if BOTH people want the marriage still. But unfortunately you cannot force your husband to stay with you, go to therapy, or change if he doesn't want to. Sometimes two people simply cannot make it work. But only the two of you know the answer to that.
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I reread your post now that it's later in the day and naptime. It does sound like you're being a tad dramatic. I agree with another mom here that said dads are not always good with the baby phase. How is his overall behavior? Does he work a full-time job? Is he supportive? Does he help cook, clean, or fix things? Remember that he is your husband, not your child. Instead of bossing him around, you need to discuss with him why you're upset.
