How to Know When to Give Up ?

I am so sorry. Life, kids, money all put stress on a marriage.
My first piece of advice would be to seek counseling immediately. From the sounds of it, both you and your husband are confused and frustrated beyond belief and your life is like an ocean current pulling you too fast to get a solid grip on the situation. Second, go out of your way to meet him where he is. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. Little things and big things - I'm sure you know what they are. Do it. Meet him there. Perhaps he's feeling like a failure because he knows this is the road you are traveling on and all it'll take is a little something extra to show him that you're willing to give him/your relationship another try. No one is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Be willing to admit when you're wrong. Consciously look on him with affection.

Once you've both been to counseling and gotten the junk out on the table, then if you both continue to be miserable or he continues to be verbally or physically abusive - then and only then can you exit with a clear conscience knowing that you really did try everything and it just didn't work out. You are the only person you can change. But you have a lot of power and influence over those you love. You must set a good example, sacrifice a little of your pride and make the effort first. Both of you have your guard up, which will never make a marriage successful. It takes two people to fight - remember that.

You can give up if you feel like you or your girls are in danger. But, my advice to you is to HAVE YOUR GIRLS STAY WITH SOMEONE FOR A WEEK OR TWO, allowing you and your husband to get to know each other again. My husband and I are so stressed out right now.......we realized that it HAS been all about everyone else. From the day that our oldest daughter was born we have focused our lives around our girls. It is all about them, and that is totally great but mommy and daddy need some time to spend with each other. Even if you got married for the wrong reasons, you can stay together for the right ones. But like I said, if you feel like it is truly over and you just don't want to try anymore then leave. You will be fine because everything works out for the best. Be optimistic. Good luck, I hope everything works for you.

Hi P. -
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I was recently in a very similar position. Although, I was fortunate that my husband did not take our problems out on the kids. First, I think you need to determine if your husband is abusive, or just had a one-time bad reaction to an argument with you. If he is abusive, you do need to protect yourself and the girls and leave, others have mentioned safe places to go on their responses. If he is not truly abusive, you should really try to make it work. It can be done. We were 100% on the brink of divorce, and had some good advice on this website to go speak to our pastor. That did not go well - he was divorced and thought that was the answer for us. So, we found another church that had a pastor interested in helping us work it out and have a happy marriage and homelife. You can find a good one, just interview a few. The pastors at churches do not charge for counseling, and have your best interests in mind. This has turned our lives around - we are the happiest we have ever been. It is not an easy road, but you both need to have someone help you work through all the issues you brought into the relationship, and improve your treatment of each other. It works. With that said, though, it requires that both people are equally committed to the same goal. If not, there is not much anyone can do to help you, and you should try to work out separating/divorcing in the least painful way for the girls. I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking of you. Contact me if you want any names of good pastors, ok. Love, M. R.

UUUUUuuuummmmm, how about now? He should never hit your kids without a clear disciplinary reason. It is obviously a bad situation.

Hi P..
My heart aches for you and your girls. The one thing I always say is, even if I mess up everything else as a parent, the one thing I must get right is to Keep My Kids Safe. As scary as it is, this is what you must do. At the end of the day, you have to answer that question..... Did I keep my kids safe today?
Now.... what resourses do you have? What education do you have? What education do you need? Do you have family/friends nearby? Is there a car in your name? What is your home town? Can you go there?
Thing might get MUCH worse - be prepared. This is not about you.... its about your kids. Be brave, they need you to be their hero.
We are all here for you. T.

Dear Pam,

First, let me say, boy do I feel for you. This is a tough situation to be in. I think the other advice you have gotten is exactly right. You have to keep your kids safe and you have to model for your girls that it's not acceptable for them or you to be abused physically or verbally. I have been a single mom before and though it isn't always easy, there are lots of resources and people out there to help you. Please get some help from family or friends and get your kids somewhere safe. You will give your kids such a gift by showing them that you are strong and that you care enough about them to leave a situation that is not safe or nurturing for them. They deserve a family that loves and cares for eachother and if they can't have two loving parents, then it's better to be in a home with one parent who shows love and concern for their well-being. Good luck and God bless you.

Hanna

I'm very sorry to hear you and your daughters are going through this. I don't have much advice; but I know that in TX, your hubby should be paying for your living expenses during the divorce (rent, utilities, etc.) since he's already been doing so and you're not yet employed. Often, you can get that extended for 6-12 months; but your attorney can help you with the details and negotiations. I don't know any attorney's personally; but I'd start with a consultation (they're usually free). That's a great way to learn about your options and if you get a good vibe from the attorney, then you can go ahead and hire him/her. I'd talk to at least 3 before making a decision.

As for the job. Go to a temp agency. They'll be able to place you in something ASAP.

Good luck!

Hi
Your husband is probably not a villain - he is hurt and confused too. He is not getting what he thought he would get out of this relationship either. He doesn't know how to control his rage and lashes out inappropriately. If you think there is anything worth saving in the marriage then get into counseling. But you realize that doing nothing in hopes that things will improve is not an option. Yes you can hang around for another year or two waiting for the girls to go off to school and then you will have more time to plan. However, since this is loveless relationship it is hurting all of you right now but it is especially hurting the children who are developing an identity. Mommy’s and Daddy’s do NOT get to take their frustrations out on their children. Right now it was a slap – later it could be a beating or worse. Abuse is degrading and lowers self-esteem. This is why so many women stay in bad situations. The abuser tells them they are worthless and they foolishly believe it. So you have no other options BUT to change the situation. The children are young and the damage to them right now has hopefully been minimal. Any damage done to them thus far may still be reversible, but you must get help now so that you and your daughters will have a bright future. I know you have limited funds but get a babysitter and see a lawyer. The lawyer can give you very good advice. There are support groups for abused women and children. Sometimes you can take the children with you – find one and join. This will open your eyes and the information you get from this group will give you the strength to go forward. Women who have been through this kind of situation can be very supportive and help you prepare for your uncertain future. The counselors have resources you can tap into. Yes, you can find work. I found my last job on Craigslist.com. And lastly, as you drift off to sleep, visualize a better tomorrow for you and your daughters. Once you have a vision – set goals and go after them. This may sound like fantasy but truly - positive visualization can lead to self actualization. You have to get going – the situation is out of control but the solution is in your hands. God bless you all.

L.