What Would You Do? - Barbourville,KY

I am in a VERY similar situation. I would love to talk with you. ____@____.com Feel free to email me sometime and I will tell you my story. >^.^<

Gather all of the passion you think you still feel for this man, turn it into strength for you and your children and run the other way. I grew up in an abusive household, my Mom didn't leave my Dad (who is dead now, and I don't miss him) for the sake of my brother and I. She did us and herself more harm than good. If he has hit you once, he will do it again and more than likely it will be your children on the receiving end at some point. There are a lot of places that offer free counseling to help you deal with this and move forward in a more positive manner - Goodwill is one of them. For the sake of your children, don't go back. Good luck and stay strong.

R., I don't know you from Eve and I know theres always more to the picture but I have got to ask.. WHY does he feel the need to make you prove to him your not going to leave again? Sounds like you leaving was warranted. Your dedication to the marriage doesn't seem to be what is in question. He's the one who chose work over family and decided to use physical force. You were right to stand your ground with that. He needs to prove his commitment and dedication to your marriage and family. The man needs to be afraid of losing something so precious because he mistreated it. That is called a natural consequence to poor choices. If I were you I'd tell him in a very direct and upfront manner that you have your limits, be specific with those limits, reassure him that you love him and that if he should choose to do something that is beyond your limits that you will consider counseling inorder to right what has been wronged because it is precious to you as well. Then stand your ground and don't budge. HOWEVER you also have to take into consideration his limits and be considerate of them. Its a two way street, both sides have to try hard. Hang in there gal, things will get better. Hope this wasn't too overbearing.

I completely agree with Shelley. Counseling for the two of you would be great. Getting a man to agree to it is another thing. You don't trust him and he doesn't trust you. That is a really hard place to be at (most of us have all been there before!) So counseling would be the first step in helping you both regain your trust in each other. Until that happens, you are not going to be able to move forward in other areas of your relationship.

R., There is so much I could say but you HAVE to stop this. You are teaching your daughters to settle and that THIS is how they should be treated. You make think they don't see anything but in your heart you know the truth. They get ONE childhood and that childhood shapes them for the rest of their lives. You brought them here. BYW how about some couseling to see why you married a man after one year and claim to be madly in love with a man who can beat a woman not to mention the other issues you pointed out. I'm just really trired of people popping out kids in marraiges that they know are meant to last-you left him twice for God sakes-so kids are a solution?? You mentioned nothing about what he is or has done to take responsibilty for himself.

It sounds like manipulation by both parts. You want him to be with you, yet he tries to take care of you and works a great deal. He is frustrated, and so are you, rightfully so. Have you thought of counseling with your Minister before returning. There are some underlying resentments and hurt that need to be addressed before you both can move on to a loving relationship that is based on respect for the other, especially for the sake of the girls who will, believe or not, mimick the relationships of you and your husband

Hi R.,

I am all about reconsiliation, however I do believe there is a time for seperate living if the 2 people need to better themself. ESPECIALLY, if there is children involved. About the time he physically hurt you, I don't believe that once and abuser always an abuser. Anyone can reach their breaking point, but anyone can be healed and get their inner-problems resolved.

I would definately recommend council. You 2 need an opportunity to let each other know what your expectations are going into this again. For example, you need him to know that being a workaholic, never spending anytime with his family, and ANYTHING physical towards you will not be tolerated. He probably needs to know that if he is an upstanding father and husband, that you will not leave his side.

I don't know you guys or your exact situation, but it seems from this post, that there is still something there to work on.

Other posters have said that your children are better off if you leave if they see you two fighting and your husband being abusive, AND THEY ARE RIGHT! BUT, if you two can turn this around and allow healing to come into your family and begin doing things the correct way, imagine how much that could impact your children!!! They will see first hand that life can bring about good even out of hard times and that there is always a reason to hold out hope, even when situations seem hopeless. My prayers are with you and your family. God bless!

You need some marriage counseling. You don't say whether you are Christian or not, but if you are then you should ask your pastor or some other Christian marriage counselor for some help. (Personally, I think psychologists are full of bull and make more problems than would otherwise exist.)

As to his anger problem--do you deliberately provoke him? nag him until he pops? Or does he just seem to be an angry man who might blow up at any little thing without provocation? This is not "blame the victim"--it's an honest question. Because if you are part of the problem, then you can focus on changing you first and see what happens to him. If you can honestly say you are not part of the problem, then if he hit you once he might hit you again. If he's not interested in working on his anger problem (if it's his alone), then it might be better for you to get out.

I can understand his fear--you've left him twice and are thinking about it again. You don't sound totally committed to the marriage. You need to understand that you must totally commit yourself to this--no "50-50"--100%! If you take the first step and totally commit yourself, it's more than likely that he will respond. It may not be exactly like you want, but your relationship will likely improve. Don't make your children go through a divorce unless it's **absolutely** necessary. Divorce is hell for children.

Take some time today and think about all of his good qualities--instead of "workaholic" think about how hard he works to provide for you. He's trying to show his love for you by providing for you financially. Look at it in a good light. I'd also suggest http://wwnh.wordpress.com for more male-female relationship insights. It's quite possible that one of the many things this person says will shed some light on your current situation.

If he has hurt you, I would leave. PERIOD. You have two girls to protect. They need their mother healthy and in one piece. They also don't need to see how he treated you, that isn't a good example to show your girls. They could end up finding men who treat them badly or ignore them and think it's OK because that it what they learned from you. Since we all don't know exactly what happened to you, I'm going to the extreme not wanting you to go back to a man who abused you. You may want to seek counseling and maybe go to counseling with your husband. I wish you the best and hope is OK. Hope I don't sound too dramatic, but it is scary to read that you were hurt physically by this man and you want to go back to that with your girls. Please take care.

I can say focus more on your two beautiful girls and even though you may be lonely at times without a man, this man you may love but if in the back of your mind their is a slight chance of being afraid of him, I think the best you can do is just focus on your girls, be the best mom you can be and just leave the man alone. If it is meant you will find your way and he will to.

Tell him have you feel about leaving and you being afraid. If you don't get a good respounce from him,pack your bags.

Hi! I hope my words help. It is very difficult to give advise, when you have not lived the same situation, but true is, you will never live "the same situation" that any other person. I go for a NEVER go back. I have been in several workshops that deal with domestic violence, and a true fact is that men that have abused their partner will do it again 90% of the time.
My advise... you still love him... maybe because you don't love yourself enough. Have you truly put time into yourself? Do you love yourself more than you love him? Please look into how much are you giving to yourself? Do you nurture yourself as much as you nurture your kids? DO IT!! When you have done at least 5 things that you always wanted to do, by yourself, and you still feel like you need him so much, then let me know.
I am very proud of you for being able to keep him around, as a friend, but look for something else for yourself.
His attitude of not wanting to comeback with you because "you may leave again" really does not talk too good about him. If he really loved you, as much as you love him, he will take you even if you were going to leave him one thousand times. May be he is doing just fine with out you.
I tell you all this with tenderness in my voice, like a caring older sister would do. Please take care of yourself. Have friends. I know that life looks easier with someone at your side.... but not really if that other person doesn't appreciate you...
Love, and Happy Valentine's Day...

TIP: Be your own valentine, buy yourself a Massage session or if you can't afford it, give a walk at the Marina by yourself. Do something for yourself today!! And I promise you that by next Valentine's Day, you will have a true Valentine by your side.

R.,
Men that will resort to physicality are generally very insecure emotionally. You can't build a lasting, nurturing relationship with someone like that. Unless something changes drastically, chances are you will leave again and again, no matter what you are telling yourself this very minute. You will find yourself in this negative cycle that does nothing but hurt your children in the long run. So don't fool yourself, and be honest with yourself and him. Get counseling, pray, whatever you have to do. But know in the end that YOU are in control of your own life- not him or anyone else. I hope you find the peace and happiness you so clearly seek.

Consult with a good attorney, make arrangements, and get out as soon as you can. No woman deserves any type of violence. Your girls are learning from you regarding what women are willing and should take from men. Would you want your girls, mom, relatives, friends in this situation? No! You are valuable and in time will find the perfect person for you. Now is the time to heal and get out of this situation.

YOU MUST GET OUT!!! Never, Never stay with someone who you even think might hurt you. You must think if your girls. Love is truly shown in actions. He doesnt' know how to love. If you get out, get some counseling. Someday you will wonder why you thought you loved him. Get help now. Be safe. I will pray for you and your girls.

This is a delicate situation that only God can help you with. Is your husband saved? Also are you saved? If you are not pray to God for guidance and read Psalm 23 for comfort. Also have you or your husband went to get help to discuss your situation with a professional. Him putting his hands on you is not something that will change over night, it is something he must get help for. There are anger management classes he can take. Since you have left him twice, there is something really wrong with your marriage and something has to change. I suggest praying to God and also seeking professional help so that you can both talk out your problems. I am a strong believer in trying to work out problems if possible, because normally the kids are the ones that get hurt in the process. Also you say you love him, but do you feel he loves you back. Also the first thing you did wrong with your husband was loved him more than yourself, so that tells me God wasn't in the first or second position. Now your first time for leaving him is because he did not have time for you or his kids. A real man will make time and if he wasn't spending time with you, he could have been spending time someplace else besides work. A real man that loves his family will want to be there and would not have to be asked. Also it sounds more like an excuse he is giving you about being scared you will move out. It seems like he is trying to place the blame on you when it should be on him. Has he apologized for hitting you or does he even realize that he was wrong? On both times when you moved out was a result of him not being a real man, so I just want to ask you if you feel he is trying to meet you half the way. If so it is worth trying to make things work, but if he seems not to care then probably there is something else that is occupying his time right now. It seems like you are giving 95% of your effort to get back together and he is giving you 5%. I know you have heard the saying, "It takes two to tangle". So if you are tangling by yourself it will not work. Ask him to be honest with you and tell what really is going on and if he really wants this to work out?

Don't go back to him. If he's hurt you once, he'll do it again. Also, if he's hurt you... the woman he loves, what's to stop him from hurting your daughters, whom he also loves? Play it safe, not only for you, but also for your daughters.

Hi R.. I am a mom of a beautiful 8yr.old daughter. Married almost 10 yrs to her dad, but I was married before and divorced w/no children. Getting divorced was like cutting off my right arm and trying to go on w/out it. My advice to you would be to go to a Christian marriage counseler. Explain the situation and seek Godly counsel. You say you still love him and that your girls are your life. Well you, as there mother, owe them a chance at a family. I also come form a divorced home w/2 sisters and the disfunction that came to our lives and still exists is and can be attributed to the divorce of my parents. I am not saying stay if you or your children are in danger, but if there is a chance that you can make this marriage be better and stronger, for the sake of your girls, I ask that you try.

I will be praying for you and your family. If I can help you find someone please let me know. I have seen all sides of divorce and it is often a very dificult road to take.

Sincerely,
D.

Ok,you go back this time you got to forgive him and forget,
you got to ccmmunicate.This was one the problem in my marriage.I did that leaving and coming back to.Through it all we mostly need to commmunicate.I am going to keep you in my prayer, marriage is a two person trying to make it oneness.My God bless you.

____@____.com

R., I would recommend some counseling. I know that might sound extreme but since he has a history of hurting you physically then it is normal that you would keep this in the back of your mind. I sounds like both of you have some things to work on individually and as a couple and maybe an outside, objective person could help both of you work on your own stuff,such as forgivness ( a process not just a feeling) as well as reconnecting as a couple, anger/ self control, etc... Marriage is a committment that you have made (obviously) but at the same time you deserve to feel safe and accepted, as does he and if you can work through this it would be to your families benefit but if you can't you want to know that you did everything you could do (SAFELY) to try to make things work. The biggest thing is that you have to make sure that neither you nor your child are in any kind of danger. That is no way to live and has lasting effects.
I hope this helps.

Dear R.,
Please do not say that you will not leave again. He physically hurt you once and as anyone that has been in this situation will tell you, it is just a matter of time before it will happen again. And then, yes, you would leave him again. Thank your lucky stars that you left after one physical altercation. Most women stay for much longer before they have had enough. I understand that you love him but you have two little girls that should never ever see their Mommy be physically hurt by someone else. If this man loves you as much as you love him then I would suggest some counseling for both of you and some counseling for him alone for his anger issues.
I have been in this situation years ago, R.. Please don't go back without him agreeing to seek couseling.
Good luck and God bless you and your family.

I know its easier said than done, but I would learn how to live life without him. You need to be a good example to your two daughters who will learn from you and your man as to how a man is supposed to treat a women. I dont know why your self worth is so low, but my guess is that it is. If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your daughters. There is no excuse for someone to physically hurt you no matter how much you love him. And how do you know that it wont escalate or that he wont ever hurt the children? If he thinks its acceptable to hurt you, his moral character is off. Nothing you can say would change my mind on this one. I know what its like to be deeply in love, but if he loved you as much, he would not make you compromise yourself.

Call your local domestic violence program and talk to a crisis counselor on the telephone. They can tell you what the options are in your community. Most domestic violence programs have a crisis telephone line, battered women's shelter, counseling for domestic violence victims, battered women's support groups, and children's groups. All of their services are usually free of charge. Some communities have counseling for domestic violence perpetrators to help your husband. A crisis counselor can help you sort through what you want to do with your life and how you want to handle this situation. We can all make suggestions, but you are the one who has to decide what is best for you and your daughters.

What exactly do you love about this man? Do you actually love him or the idea of what he could be? If a man hits you once, he will do it again given the right set of circumstances. Also, what do you want your girls to learn about men and how they should be treated? Take care of yourself.

In a nut shell, you two need counseling. There are clear trust issues on both sides. You have to learn how to make up you mind and not through walkout tantrums. He has to learn how to evaluate what is important in his life and if that is family, how to balance it with everything else. Plus how to deal with anger and frustration without being physical. Loving someone more than life itself sounds romantic, but it is dangerous. You have to love God first, yourself, your spouse, then your kids. But if your kinds came first, your kids before your spouse, but understand that your kids must not know the later. You have to show mutual respect with your spouse in front of your kids and no dissensions.
But first you two have to learn how to communicate, set priorities, and be consistent. Your marriage can work, but it will take a lot more work than you expected, from both sides.