How to Have Time for Romance When You Are a New Parent?

I worked in the childcare industry before becoming a mother - and I think there is a reason people have started calling them "day orphanages." If you have no other choice except daycare, then you have no choice. But it really should be the absolute last resort.

If you're nervous about getting back into the swing of things with your hubby, perhaps you could try something that will have absolutely no chance of causing you discomfort or injury? You don't have to have intercourse with your hubby to attempt something sexual . . . if you get my drift.

A happy hubby will help make you happy, too. I don't know about you, but it gives me joy when I'm able to do something that makes someone I love happy. And if your hubby is getting ANY kind of positive attention in the bedroom, he is going to be VERY happy. My guess is that this will help you relax in the bedroom and that might be all you need.

But to actually get a bit more time with one another? Well, that's one of the sacrifices we parents make (at least the parents who put the needs of their children first!). My hubby and I have periodic "date nights." Just last week, we actually went out to dinner and a movie and it was WONDERFUL!

It's super hard at this point being a new mom of a baby, but your little girl will be sleeping through the night and she'll be in school before you know it.

Be patient... It may take a long, long while before your body feels completely "normal" again. But, the good news is, it will be normal again! Hang in there! Be sure to talk with your doctor if you are experiencing any severe pain or discomfort. In the meantime, try to carve out small wedges of time for you and your partner. If possible, find a babysitter and go on a date. Having some time alone will help keep you connected and open the doors for further intimacy. Be patient, get as much rest as you can, and enjoy that little one! :)

Maybe my husband and I are awful and messing up our little one... but I don't think so. We take the time for romance whenever we can - even if the baby is right there. Sometimes, I'd be laying down breastfeeding, while my DH would be on the other side making me feel very nice . . .
I tore awfully too, and though I was emotionally ready for sex soon, I wasn't physically ready, and had to take it VERY slow. Lubrication is essential (and also don't forget to drink lots of water throughout the day).
Try not to stress about it, if possible. Just enjoy whatever you can get to its fullest, even if it's cuddling - and take advantages of any quickie you can get. ;)

Stay up late and have dinner together... Maybe have it in your bedroom with candles...

I was surprised by how long it took for me to be able to enjoy sex with my husband after my baby was born (and I only had 3 stitches). The six week rule, for me, was completely ridiculous. It was more like six months or more. That said, having a baby is a huge stress and strain on a relationship. Sex, even if it is not the most awesome sex ever, can help smooth over those rough edges and make you feel closer, even for a little while.

I am not going to lie, we have sex less often now than we did before the baby. But, it might be better quality just because we appreciate our alone time more now because it is so hard to come by.
My advice is to just keep trying and hang in there. You want to give yourself a break (these changes are huge), but don't give up on having good sex, it will happen eventually.

I have a four month old. He still wakes up 2-3 times a night to breastfeed. Sex is still very sporadic (and not nearly as much as my husband would want) but it seems to get better every time, better than before kids.

All of these responses are awesome!

I don't think what you are feeling is so uncommon. I've felt all that you've felt. And I have painful hemorroids on top of it all. Perhaps cutting back on your work load would give you more energy.

After my first boy, it was such a shock to think sex or anything. I had a hard time recovering too. You'll know when you are ready. And don't be afraid of fearing sex but know that fear isn't from God and He will take it away. Don't rush it. If your husband takes it really slow you'll feel alot better with it.

Really you should be healed up by now, even from the most difficult ones, so don't be afraid of tearing again. Just take it easy until things are more comfortable.

It takes alot of work to feel sexy again after birth, being a cow 24 hours a day ;D, and not sleeping at night. It is alot of work to keep emotionally close as that is when we feel sexy, when we are emotionally tight. We have recently read two fabulous books called For Men Only and For Women Only. It is a good way to talk about yourselves, preferences and feelings in a humorous light.

Be patient. You'll feel better soon! When Baby starts sleeping better. You'll work hard to get Baby on a schedule (if you haven't already) and it'll pay off!

This is what we've done:
#1 Think and pray about each other during the day
#2 Think about sex too ;P
#3 Set aside a time to talk and snuggle
#4 Set aside a date night2-4 times a month(have someone watch Baby for 2 hours--most kids can handle that) for a luxurious 2 hours TOGETHER!!!
#5 Make this a priority as it is more important than anything else.

My husband and I work hard to keep our love alive. It is a challenge and a constant work-in-progress. Keep going! Good luck!

Hope this helps!

Its hard to do - but you need to make the time for each other. Even if its just during her nap or staying up a little late to be with each other and being extra tierd the next day.

Maybe you can get a friend, relative or trusted neighbor to come over for a few hours and you both can get out alone together. Even if its just to go to lunch and talk - reconnecting is very important.

Dont rush having sex again. There are other ways you can keep him happy in that area until you heal and he should understand what you just went through and be paitent. Being together is important - but you can find other ways to be close and satisfied.

Even tho I only tore a little - I had a bad reaction to the stiches they used and got a horrible infection. I wasnt healed enough to have sex with my hubby for just over 5 months - then the first few times were so painful that we could only 'do it' just a tiny bit and I cried. LOL - I know what a baby!

But my hubby was understanding and we hung with it and finally - bingo. Make sure to get some good personal lube and lube it all up too - it will make it MUCH easier. I know I seemed dried down there when I was breastfeeding.

It did seem tho and I know this might sound bad - but the more we tried the more it losened up and the next time it didnt hurt as bad - so if you are healed enough and you can grit your teeth and have short sessions it will get better. It even got funny sometimes and we had a good laugh about it which bonded us closer.

It was just over a year after my daughter's birth that it began to feel normal again and we got fully back to how things were before she was born.

Good luck and get out ALONE together - even if its just a few hours a week.

My hubby and I went through the same thing, So this is what worked for us.
We put the boys to bed by 8 or 9 at night and so that gives us about 2 hours to spend with eachother.
We also try and have a date night once a month, even if its for an hour, it gives us that special time without the new baby crying or my 4 year old needing somehting.
Its amazing at how our relationship has flourished!
Another idea given to us was to have a mothers helper come in during dinner time, feed the kiddos ahead of time. You could make a special dinner right at home and the kids could be entertained by a teenager in there rooms or family room etc. So you wouldnt have to worry to much about being away from them, since you would be there if needed.

Looks like you've got some good responses so far! My husband and I actually had a conversation recently that helped put things into perspective for me a little more regarding the sexual side of things. Women need to feel intimate to have sex, and having sex allows men to feel intimate. This can cause trouble for both sides obviously! So even though I'm not always in the mood, I've tried harder to make time and my husband seems to be a bit more attentive and helpful because of it which in turn makes me happier. Just a thought!

OK,
I'll share my experience. I was lucky enough to have a pregnancy during which I had a decent sex drive. After the baby was born I hemmoraged and so I felt pretty beat up. I had the 6 week follow-up with my doc and my husband basically assumed that we'd have a "date" that night. If I wasn't up for it he would have understood, but I didn't want to let him down. So I frankly made sure my body was ready with my own toy, the day before. I still wasn't too excited to join with him, but it all worked out ok; I just told him to go easy on me. And even now, a few years later I still am not always gung ho but the intimacy is very important for us.

And if there is midnight feedings going on, you can help reduce the chance of this by substituting water for milk once a night, when you're ready. After a few nights your baby will get the hint and not even bother waking for only water. Maybe a bit more sleep will help the two of you have more energy.

Best of luck; you can get the fire restoked again!!
A.

Hello T.. All I can say is flirt whenever you can! There is so little time in the day of a new parent and every opportunity to interact with your man is valuable. Flirt like you did when you were first dating. If anything can spark it, that will.

As for not feeling sexy, most of us go through that. It is rather difficult to perceive of our bodies as sexual when everything about them has become about the baby - birthing, breastfeeding - all those erogenous zones were temporarily conceded to the wee one. It will come back, but start little, which brings me back to flirting!!

Good luck-
D.

Time for romance and time for work are two different issues. If working from home is hard, a daycare program may be helpful, but, I would consider part-time. Full-time for a 5 month old is hard on mama and baby unless absolutely necessary. As for lovin...go easy. Lots of mental and physical lubrication! Find the sexiness in being a new mom. Breastfeeding will pull off weight and keep your boobies big! Your body will heal itself, but rock star sex may be a few more months off. You have to think like a single 20 year old to have 30 year old post-baby lovin'...anywhere, anytime, with any result. Dive into each other anyway you can.

Hi T.! I think it is about getting your confidence back. The more comfortable you feel with yourself the more relaxed you will be around your husband. Take a day for you. Go to the salon or a spa and spend some time away from your husband and your baby. At five months your little one is still sleeping quite a bit. So when you get home form your day out spend time with the family. Them make a late dinner for you and your husband. As soon as your daughter goes down to sleep, you and your husband can have a candle light dinner. Intimacy extends past sex. (I also tore really bad with my first child to the point of having reconstructive surgery. You may want to take a motrin or some other type of pain pill before sexual activity)