How to Handle a 33 Year Old Daughter Who Has No Respect for Her Parents?

I would just leave her alone, it sounds like she has issues, and how can you possibly "handle" a 33 year old? She is who she is at this point.

I hate it when people get super mad and refuse to say why. Seems like all she wanted to do was rage at you. I suggest leaving her alone, since that's what she said she wanted. But I'd still send a card on her birthday and a small token on Christmas just to let her know she's loved and missed.

Wow. Leave her alone. There is no reason to put up with that. Hopefully, she'll eventually come to her senses.

Maybe your daughter is rude and thoughtless, however, you should never retaliate in kind, by saying things like, "Fine, I will remember that on your birthday." That's how 5 year olds and teenagers talk.

You should probably work on trying to remain kind and mature, even when others are not being that way. Two wrongs don't make a right.

You both behaved miserably. I have a feeling they didn't just walk through the door screaming.... something is missing from this post.

If she truly is as volatile as you say-- might wonder where that stemmed from? I mean, your first response to her "I don't know if I can come to your birthday" is beyond rude. It's like a mean little 13 year old, tit for tat behavior. "Well, if you won't come to my birthday, I won't come to yours, so there!" (stamps foot) Oooo-kay then.

It takes two people to have a dysfunctional dynamics problem. Not just one. Per usual--and I have seen this so many times I have lost count in my life-- you ask how to 'handle' her. Better to ask how you can handle yourself.

Really, if you behave like an adult and don't fly off the handle, who would your daughter have to get mad at? Furthermore, I believe in treating family with the same courtesy one would treat a friend. Is that how you would speak to a friend who couldn't make it to your birthday? Threaten them by withholding affection? Seriously? I cannot imagine speaking to ANYONE in my life that way. ANYONE. Maybe when I was 13 and talking to my little sister, when I was a little snot, but not now. Not as a fully-formed adult. There is no mystery here-- you are both out of line with each other and need to learn some fundamental self-respect. And yes, self-respect includes (and actually hinges quite solidly) on how one treats others. People who respect themselves don't need to behave in such a manner. They can accept their place in the big, wide world and know when something might not be about them and not to take it personally. Apparently, you are not there yet. A counselor would be helpful in helping you gain some objectivity.

My guess is that you are going to eventually tell us all off and call us mean girls. Judgmental. That's okay. We've heard it before from people who only came here to receive validation, not look critically at their own actions.

Model the behavior you want to see in your kids. You want respect? Be respectful.

Your response to her not coming for cake was childish and immature: "Our daughter got mad an said she wasn't coming for cake, I said fine I will remember that on your birthday."

You can't act like that and expect anything different from your children. You're the one who taught them to behave like that. You're disrespectful - you can't really be surprised when you don't get respect.

I'm a little surprised that no one has mentioned your part in this. You said to her "...fine I will remember that on your birthday." Is this the way you've talked to her all these years too? I wonder what else you said that was disrespectful.

I'm guessing that you had a pretty rocky relationship with her before she got married and that she's acted like an immature brat all along. Now she wants to be treated like a married woman, and you're still treating her like the immature brat she has been and she doesn't like it.

Well, she doesn't deserve respect if she can't act respectful. And that's what's happening with everyone in the family. She can't see it and acts more awful.

You can keep sparring with her, like the "...fine I will remember that on your birthday", but all it's going to get you is slammed doors. Stop sparring with her. If she says she doesn't know, leave it. Stop caring about her doing what you want. She's not going to. Expect nothing. It will make it easier.

She needs to get to the point that she misses the family. Let her feel that. And stop the smart aleck remarks to her. For goodness sake, even though there's no excuse for her behavior, you aren't blameless here.

How was your relationship before she got married? What is her husband like? There is more going on here than you are saying.
In my opinion you are acting almost at immature as your daughter. Don't let the immediate emotions rule your thinking. I think you need to spend some time with your daughter alone. You need to talk to her one on one and find out what is going on.
My daughter was married to her first husband at a young age. He was able to twist her thinking to believe her family never had her best interests in mind. She could become explosive and angry at me and her siblings. After she left him and she had time to see we always had her best interests at heart her attitude changed towards us.
Talk to her.

If my mom ever said to me "fine, I'll remember that on your birthday" I would distance myself as well. I am 33 and have a 12 year old...I'd almost expect that kind of comment from a pre-teen, not my mom. Seriously, that was a low blow on your part.

And if she and her husband acted as though you say they did...then A.) You let it happen more than just this once and B.) They both need help.

There is blame on all sides here and you need to realize your role if you don't want this to continue. If you don't want to recognize your roll, then cut your losses and move on without her.

This reminds me of the mom complaining about her "child" of 30 earlier today - who shows her no respect.

This sounds like a lot of drama. Slamming doors till pictures fall off walls? They walked through the door screaming terrible language?

Why allow it? Did you when she was growing up? A teen? Why does she feel she can treat her parents like this? Do this in your home? In front of your guests?

What would you do if anyone else did this to you at your home? You'd tell them they weren't welcome unless they showed you the respect you deserve. Boundaries.

That would be my advice. My kids aren't allowed to do that as small children. I simply didn't allow them to join the family in fun if they were having a pissy attitude moment or a tantrum. They quickly learned they were missing out and their behavior was to blame. They can change their behavior.

It works on everyone - this rule. Good luck

ETA: I like what Doris had to say. I think the whole thing sounds like a lot of drama - on both sides. People in families rarely just fly out of control like this - there is more to this drama than you are saying. There has to be. Your comment to her (I agree with Doris) shows that you are engaged in something more than just this one incident. I think if you own up to it, you'll find you get more helpful answers. What is the history here.

See Nervy Girl's answer on this...

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6571581066023600129

You aren't going to like this, but here's my thought...

She said she wasn't coming to your birthday party, so you said fine I'll remember that on your birthday.

You are both acting like spoiled children. I suggest that your daughter learned her behavior from you. Maybe you can start to change the dynamic by acting like an adult.

i am 33
if i were you i would give her space till she comes to her senses. it may take a while but she should eventually come around.
my mom is my best friend. she gives advice only if i ask for it. she is more like a friend than a mom. which at my current age i feel like i need a friend (and babysitter) more than i need a mom telling me what to do and how i should be living.

If you were/are aware that she and her husband have tempers that flare, are argumentative, and treat you with disrespect, then I suspect you walked right into this. You invited her for Easter, she said she didn't know if she was coming. But you persisted. And when she said she wasn't coming over for birthday cake, you made things worse by telling her that you would basically retaliate on her birthday. It sounds as though her marriage is making her terribly unhappy or, perhaps her husband is helping her to see that things in her family (with parents, cousins, etc) are not healthy, although it certainly doesn't sound as though her husband is helping her to deal with it appropriately.

I'm suspecting that this isn't the first time you've invited her for dinner, and I'm suspecting that she either doesn't come, or doesn't politely reply to your invitation.

So, since you're aware of conflicts, anger, unhappiness, and all the other problems, stop making yourself a target. Simply tell her she's welcome for an upcoming dinner, but don't press her. Make enough for 2 more people, and have 2 more place settings available. "Honey, the fourth of July picnic will be on the fourth, at 2 pm , at our house. If you can come, we'd love to see you both." End of discussion.

Don't add fuel to her fire by telling her you'll treat her the same way on her birthday. Instead, humbly apologize for that remark, without any strings attached. And on her birthday, send some nice flowers or a nice gift card and wish her well.

Be humble enough to evaluate your own words to her, the way she was raised, her current life. Are you demonstrating respect toward her and her husband? Do you speak politely about them to other relatives?

Of course, it's possible that you have done everything possible to be a good and effective mom, and she's just mean and being influenced by a damaging husband. But chances are, you're tired of the conflicts and this has been going on for a long time, and no one is willing to change, forgive, repair, and show compassion.

Mama, This sounds heartbreaking! ((Hugs)))
I think that there are much deeper issues than disrespect and a bad son-in-law. Perhaps it would be good to sit down with a professional/pastor/rabbi/therapist to get some clarity as to why these dynamics are happening in your family and how to effectively address them as the matriarch. Although you can't change your daughter, you can find out your role in this and what you might change. I know it is tempting to only look at your daughter's and her husband's poor behavior because they acted like loons, but I would take that next step and ask yourself some tough questions that require you to look at your part in your family's struggles. That is what we have to do as mamas, see the bigger picture. Blessings!

Maybe there are unresolved issues from the past still going on. Maybe a solution is just there more than in how to handle her in the next meetings.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to contact her or interact with her in any way. She'll come back around when she wants something. Then you can ask her to sit down and have a reasonable conversation. Just ask what you said that made her angry and let her tell you. Then listen.

It's time to take control and set some boundaries. Don't ever allow your child speak to you that way again - especially in your own home. Do not seek her out. My children, adult or not, would be quickly removed from my home, cops called if needed, if they even attempted to speak to me in a disrespectful manner like that. I don't know both sides or what your relationship with your daughter was like before she was married so I can't say with certainty you are blameless. Saying that, I hope you are able to reconcile, at a later date, of some sorts.

Give her space, she needs to grow the hell up but that is no longer your job as she is supposed to already be an adult. As Annette suggested, still send a nice card on her birthday and a family gift for the winter holidays, ect, but don't put yourself out there to be disrespected. And next time she tries to come into your home when you have guest and be rude consider starting to lock your doors, that is ridiculous behavior.

My mother can be passive aggressive in her comments sometimes, and I would not be surprised if she responded to me in the way you responded to your daughter when she said she would not come for cake. Thing is, I am very much a devil-may-care type of person and I would just shrug, say "ok", or ignore it. I also would know this is a way of trying to get me to feel bad about my response to her and that by turning the tables on me, she is trying to show me how upsetting it is for a close family member to refuse to come to my birthday get-together. I would not cause a fight though, I would just not come and stand my ground and ignore the guilt trip but that's just my nature. I don't get offended easily and let things slide, or I realize I hurt someone with my response and try to find a solution (like stopping by for a few minutes just to sing happy birthday, and then leave).

Then again, your daughter could have just said she does not want to eat cake but will come for Easter dinner to say hi and wish you a happy birthday, but she is on a diet and cannot/will not eat cake. She also could have declined the invitation because she did not appreciate your comments, but barging in during a celebration with guests and cursing, screaming and slamming doors is vulgar and uncouth. Since your post makes it seem like this extreme behavior is uncharacteristic of her, I am going to go on a limb and say she is either stuck in a bad marriage, suffering from a mental illness, or is on some type of substance (like alcohol) that is making her act irrationally. As I said, if she felt your comment was rude, all she had to do was tell you that she would not be coming to dinner unless you apologize, or let you know that the comment was uncalled for and that she won't be coming. Now that you know that she reacts so explosively to silly, immature comments like the one you made, I hope you will give her her space until she decides she wants to reach out (or explain herself) and think twice before speaking and saying something that might set her off.

Sounds like your daughter is having problems in her own marriage and she's frustrated and taking it out on you. I've been there and I actually had a similar situation; only my mother was talking about me behind my back to my husband and I walked in the room. I didn't talk with my mother for months. I had relatives calling me, saying that my parents felt horrible but I lose my cool as there are things in my marriage that could be better and my mother digging into me and then talking behind my back doesn't make things easier.

Updated

Sounds like your daughter is having problems in her own marriage and she's frustrated and taking it out on you. I've been there and I actually had a similar situation; only my mother was talking about me behind my back to my husband and I walked in the room. I didn't talk with my mother for months. I had relatives calling me, saying that my parents felt horrible but I lose my cool as there are things in my marriage that could be better and my mother digging into me and then talking behind my back doesn't make things easier.

I can't give you any advice because it doesn't make any sense that someone would behave this way. I have to assume that there are a LOT of issues between you and your daughter and this was just the icing on the cake. (haha...no pun intended)
Maybe she meant she wasn't coming for cake but coming to see YOU so you didn't need to worry about cake pieces for her, and then you got pissy at her.
I don't know. But I do know that this is not the whole story at all.

send her a letter saying that you are sorry she is so emotional lately but that you were very upset over how she acted on your birthday and when she is ready to talk to you in a civil manner or write to you you will just let her enjoy her life and you will remember the happiness you have had with her over the years

I think you all need a good long break from each other.
A month isn't long enough - give it 6 to 12.
It's best for some families to treat each other as acquaintances - we're all more or less polite to relative strangers - than to carry around all the baggage and deal with constant family drama.
When you eventually contact each other again (and I'd let HER make the first contact with you), start with
"I realize I'm a pain in the behind sometimes, but I do love you. We all need some space and boundaries. Let's keep contact brief and cordial and we'll take things slowly. I'll call you next month if that's alright with you.".

My Mom lives 13 hrs away.
I talk to her once every few weeks and see her once a year - and when we do visit, we stay at a hotel because a few hours per day is enough for both of us.
We each need our own space - and we're all happy and content with it.