Birthday for 3 Year Old Twins, Can We Invite Divorced In-laws to Same Party?

Not knowing the grandparents, I think it might be best to at least let them know that you are inviting all the relatives to this party, and then let them decide if they will come.

Amanda,
I had the same problem. I very simply reminded them all that the event was about my son, not them. This is a child's party, if they could not act as adults and attend in support of my son then they could stay home.
Good luck!

I come from a similar family, so I do understand. I would recommend that you do exactly what you are doing. If they ask who's invited to be there be honest with them. If they don't ask and just come, give them the chance to choose to be adults, they don't need it sugar coated. When and if things get out of hand, you can remind all involved that they are there for the children. If that doesn't work kindly and calmly ask the offending party to leave. This is what I would do. I hope this helps!

My parents are divorced, have been for 17 years (so, a lot of time has passed), and my dad is remarried, has been for 11 years. We have had parties with both invited several times since I've been married (4 years). My sister, sister-in-law and I have also had 'girl' parties (Tupperware, Partylite) where we invite both my mom & stepmom. They are definitely not friends, but they will make polite conversation, and respect that the party/kid is more important than being at the same place as the other parent.

Maybe mention to someone level-headed on your side (or his) of the family to watch for issues, or to keep them separated?
Good luck!

Hi Amanda. Let me offer a perspective from the other side. I am a divorced, remarried Mom of grown children. Although we don't have grandchildren, I have done my share of juggling family occasions, graduations, parties, etc for both my kids and my new husband's. My biggest advice to you is "NO SURPRISES!" Don't count on a fairy tale occasion that will reunite everyone. I think the best solution is to invite everyone and tell them exactly who will be there. Remind them that their children/grandchildren love them and want them to share the event...but it is about the kids, NOT THEM. If they can't be adults and get along, it's then their choice not to come. Eventually, this approach works itself out and time does help. Good luck!

This may sound a bit harsh. But it's your twins day to share their special day with loved ones and if the "adults" can't put their problems aside so your twins can do so, then they need to stay home.

Maybe you can just say "all family members will be invited", if someone ask if "whoever" is coming, just simply say we have extended invites to all family/friends and leave it at that. They don't need to know the guest list.

What a tough spot to be in. Best of luck!

Luckily my parents divorce wasn't crazy, they just assume that the other is invited to things like birthday parties, and stuff. I think that it would be better to sit down with each of them down, seperately of course, and tell them that the other one is going to be there, and that they need to be civil to each other for the sake of the rest of the family. They don't have to be best friends, or even friends at all, but they should be able to be civil at family functions. I think surprising them will just cause a bigger problem for you in the long run, give them time to be prepared, and let them know that you won't tolerate anything crazy. If they want to be a part of the twins birthday, they will need to learn to make it work. That's just my opinion.

Been there, done that... got the T-shirt! I was in the same situation except they were my parents. I opted to tell them so it wouldn't be a surprise. I reminded them that we all had the love of my children in common and the party wasn't about them or their personal agenda. I told them how much it would mean to me for all of them to be there, but let them know in no uncertain terms that if they couldn't behave as adults, I'd rather they not come. I shouldn't have to subject my children to such... long story short, everyone showed, one parent on one side of the room, the other on the other side. Overall, it went well and has gotten better as the years and birthday have gone by... hope this helps! GOOD LUCK!

Amanda,

I would definately have the party the way you want it. But I would tell them and let them make the decision on weather they can be civil to each other and attend. I would just stress that it's the twin's special day and you don't want any issues. They should both be adult enough to make it work. They don't have to talk to each other.

But I understand where your coming from. My parents just diovorced after 32 years of marriage. So it's very rocky for us now and I'm 31 years old.

Good luck I hope that it all works out for you.
L.

This is your children's birthday party. I would be honest with the grandparents about who has been invited and make them aware ahead of time this is for their grandchildren, not them. If they are petty enough to act like a spoiled child, they shouldn't come and spoil the party for the kids. There is NO reason they can't be in the same room together. They can sit at different sides and just ignore the other. They have a lifetime together with these children and the sooner they get over their anger for these situations, the better. Obviously, they have both moved on, so straighten up and act like the grandparents they should and always will be!

I'd say tell them all. Surprising your in-laws with the presence of the other will not make for a happy day. Maybe have the invite say something like "whole family" then let one of your husband's siblings explain it to them. One or both might choose not to attend and you can't help that. There are going to be many events in your kids' lives they will both want to participate in or attend. They need to work it out between themselves.

I would tell all involved who is going to be in attendance. That way they get over the shock before they see the other person. There could be a scene otherwise. I would tell them, "I know it may be a little uncomfortable, but we are inviting ALL the twins' family members to one party this year. I hope that it doesn't inconvenience you too much and would really appreciate it if you would focus on the kids instead of the past". or something like that. I think if you keep it a secret they may cause a scene. If your husband or yourself are comfortable enough, you might even tell them that the day is for the kids and if they cannot handle themselves, then they can feel free not to accept the invitation (or something a little less harsh). Good luck!

I would politely explain the parties that will be there and say I understand if you choose to come later or after they leave, however I would sure appreciate it if you are all togther to set an example to your grandchildren after all we are they adults and they will learn that people can get along after divorce. I get along great with my exes their wifes ect. Because we have one thing in common the grandchildren and our children. God Bless.

Amanda G. - My parents divorced when I was two years old and now being almost thirty it is still an issue I have to consider. However, having grown up in their "issues" I have vowed not to cater to their issues with my own children. I invite my father and his girlfriend to my kids parties as well as my mother because they are equally their grandparents. This isn't to say that there isn't a little drama - my mom usually is in a rather sour mood towards me that day but I am up front with her and remind her that the day is not about her it is about the child whose birthday it is. They usually stay out of each others way during the party each on opposite sides of the room or house for that matter but amazingly they survive and so do I and my kids don't know the difference. Although, I think I would let each party know that the other will be attending so that they have time to get their feelings in check as much as possible before the party - you wouldn't want their first reactions (if really bad) to be taken personally by your kids. S. M.

You can invite anyone you wish to this party and should. However, I don't think I would set myself or anyone else up for surprises. That could cause a disaster for all concerned. Perhaps you should let prospective guests know that all family members who so love this child will be invited, then let each of them make the decision to attend or not as they choose.

This is your twins day not a day for the in-laws. Tell them the other half will be there and they are expected to act like adults. Your twins only turn 3 once and this is their day. I learned long ago that you can not please everyone and if you worry what everyone else will think you willage far too quickly and miss the important things in life. I hope this helped.

Amanda,

Let the in-laws and outlaws know what your plans are for your children's birthday party,(one big party) without including a bunch of explanations or apologies. There is no reason for you to have to cater to anyone that day except your children, who deserve to have a "Happy Birthday". Let anyone who might be uncomfortable,know that they are certainly welcome to your home to enjoy the day with the kids and that you hope they can attend. It will be up to them to behave as grown adults. You should not allow yourself to be their supervisor. The choice is theirs, they can be there with each other and enjoy the children's birthday or not. Either way take a deep breath and enjoy the children's 3rd birthday,
because it's about them and not their grandparents.

HI Amanda, I wanted to tell you how I handled the same situation with my own parents. They divorced when I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 14. It was a nasty thing. My mother is happily remarried and my father is not happy at all. For the longest time I would have 2 seperate parties for my kids. Of course they loved it, but with 3 kids it got to be alot of work. Finally I talked to my parents and step-dad and told them that I was tired, not to mention not made of money, of having so many parties and we are having 1 party and if they did not feel comfortable coming that was their decision, but we would be there if they wanted to come. My mom and step-dad said fine with them, not a problem. My father is the one who has the problem (and 1/2 of his family). For several years they (my dad's family) did not come or send gifts. Not that I cared, but my kids started noticing that Pa-Pa was not there, or their cousins, etc. They did not mention the gifts, as if they missed getting something since they get everything, but they missed their family. I told my family about it and most of them now come. I think that you need to just tell them how it is and tell them that it is for the kids and if they are not going to be nice or happy about it, do not bother coming. It took me several years to get the nerve to say that to my parents, but let me tell you it worked out for the best. Good Luck!!!

I think you should inform your husband's parents that they will both be invited and you expect their behavior to be as adults. This day is about your children and as difficult as it would be if all their grandparents couldn't be there, it would be worse if the grandparents (who are obviously acting like children) turned it into a fight about them. It may seem harsh, but there are worse things than not having someone present on such a happy day. I would put the ball in their court and tell them if they can't come to celebrate the children's birthday in peace, perhaps they should choose to stay home. I am a M. of 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren.

Send the invitations to whom you want, let each one make their own choice. You have a lot on your mind with out having to worry about this.

GOOD LUCK & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWINS!

Amanda,

I am speaking from the grandparents side.
First of all - How long have they been divorced?

I have been divorced for 4 years from a man I was married to for 28 years. I would say that the first couple years seemed a little awkward - but as time goes on, a certain factor of comfort begins to evolve. One thing that helps this along is that there are events where both can be and get used to being around each other and NOT attached.

My advice...Have your party the way you want to have it -
pay special attention not to favor one over the other - make them both feel welcome. If you/your family do not draw attention to them (by consciously avoiding them or pussy-footin around), chances are no one else will either, they will become accustomed to being in the same place again under different terms.

Have a great birthday party!

S.

I had a similar issue with my son's 6th birthday last year.

My dad had recently passed away, my mom and dad divorced several years ago and are both remarried. My dad's new wife was feeling as if she might be left out. My mom is the type of person that welcomes everyone with open arms and has always been able to put differences aside when it will be beneficial to her children or grand children. I really struggled with this a lot. Finally I decided to invite both of them, letting each of them know that the other was invited. After all, this was a party for my son and he loves both women. I left the choice up to them if they wanted to attend or not, though it wasn't an issue at all for my mom, I did reassure my step mom that she would be made to feel just as welcome as my mom was.

End result was that my step mom chose not to attend. She came over the day before my son's birthday and gave him a gift and hung out with us. Again in December she chose to take my older son on a shopping trip for his birthday.

You cannot control what your family members choose, but you have to realize that this is THIER choice. Let them make it. By not telling them, you are making the choice for them and although we ALL want fairy tale bday parties for our kids, in this day and age it just isn't always possible.

Good luck!

Hi Amanda G I am a divorced woman married again to a wonderful man with an x-wife. We recently had our first grandson by his daughter and we have to be in the same environment with his x-wife and her husband. I can tell you it is a very difficult situation you are in, however, they have to grow up and be considerate to one another. Divorce happens that's how it is. I really think what did it for me was my step daughter telling me that she told her mom that she was just going to have to deal with seeing her father and I that she was not going to have multiple parties for her baby that she would just have to get along with us. Her mother doesn't really like me, however, it is ok when we go to their house for parties for the baby. Maybe you and your husband could address this problem with whoever is making your life difficult when it comes to inviting everyone to the party. I really do feel that everyone should be invited to the party for the twins and any other get togethers relevent to everyone. Good Luck.

Amanda,

i think you should let them know that you have invited the other and their spouse/friend. Let them make that decision whether they come or not. I believe it would be a disaster if they walk in and saw the other and not have known. I would also let them know that if they do come to leave their bad feelings at the door or dont come in. This is your twins day and the grandparents can put their feelings aside. I think it would be a good lesson for your twins to see them acting civil.
God bless
brenda

You know just send out the invites don't stress about it what will be will be hopefully everyone can act like an adult about it because everybody should realize they are a part of the kids and it is a shame they are acting like children and do it every year and if they don't like too bad

We deal with a very similar situation. It's my parents that cant stand to be around each other. My kids are 10, 6 and 10 1/2 monthes so I have been dealing with this for quite awhile. What we do is throw one party. We let both sides know in advance that the other will be there. We make it very clear that we want them both to be there and hope that they can put their issues aside for the sake of the kids, but tell them that if they don't think they can that they should just not come. I will not tolerate them making a scene at my child's party in front of our friends and other family. Our collective families are large enough that there is aslways someone else to sit near and talk to. I gotta tell you though...in the past we have had instances where one of them have opted to not come or to come really early to get their visiting in while we prep and then leave when the other got there. But we have recently had an instance where they actually sat together with their spouses and a couple of us kids. It was a very enjoyable afternoon! I dont' expect it to come up again, but it was a step. After all, they have been divorced for 24 years. It's time, way past time actually, that they get over it already!

Amanda,
As you said if the grandparents can't both be there for the kids then they are very immature. I wouldn't prepare yourself for the worst just so if it doesn't happen then it'll feel great, but if it does then you were prepared. while at the same time if anyone says anything i would straight up tell them how immature they're being and that you are both tired of catering to their immature needs and that they should be there for the kids not themselves.
Good-luck!

My inlaws are divorced as well and they way i put it to them: you areinvited however your ex spouse will be there as well, if you cant seem to put your differences to the side for a couple of hours for your grandchildren then i dont want you there. i would love to have you there but it is up to you.

That is what i tell mine. Just an idea, and FYI they come to each party and stay on the opposite sides of the room. You might if you havent already run in to it but trying to out do the other, i deal with that alot. hope this helps

My best friend's parents are divorced for many years, and they always both come to events for the kids, they just know to keep their distance and not be jerks, or she'll go off on them! You just need to lay down the law and tell them they can behave like adults, or they can be kicked out! Explain you want them there for your kids, and it would be a shame for the kids to see them act like children themselves! Hopefully they'll get the message and behave well! Good luck!

Hi Amanda,

I'm J., my parents are divorced and it was not pretty and they HATE each other. I became pregnant a year and a half ago and I was just straight with them. I had a co-ed shower, long story, and I was just straight with them. Told them that both of them were invited and if they wanted to be a part of my childs live that they needed to grow up, cause I am not made of money and I will not throw more than one party because they can't stand each other. Tell them the truth that each other is invited and for the Grandkids they should put all differences aside. The house is big enough for all of them right?

J. (mother of 16 month old daughter)

I would suggest talking to the inlaws personally to see how they feel about the situation. You don't want to be blamed for putting them in such a bad or unconfortable position. If they do not agree to the arrangements, have the birthday party with one side of the family and then arrange to go out to dinner with the other side.

Yes. Invite them. When the divorcees show up, remember to ever so gently remind them that the party is for the children, that they are adults and you'd appreciate if they'd remember that the gathering is not about them. Hopefully, they will at least pretend to be adults for the day. If they can't or refuse to be in the same house as the other, be sure to let them know how disappointed you are that for 4 hours they can't act more mature and less self-centered.

Good luck!

Amanda,
I have divorced parents and my daughters father and I are divorced (many years ago).
We have family holidays and celebrations, with everyone included. My first husband, his "new family", my husband, my dad, his wife, my mom, her husband and all other assorted grandparents and step/half siblings (mine and my daughters).
It was a little uncomfortable the first time, but if they love you, your husband and your kids, they will behave like adults.
Tell them up front, most people don't like those kind of surprises. It is absolutly possible for this to be a great time for everyone, and really very special when your all together. Just be honest and FIRM with them. Good luck!
C.

I don't know about not telling each about the other, but if they ask, tell them that the other after all is still the childrens grandparents and that they did not divorce the children, just the spouse. If they are too uncomfortable, they can come see the kids another time, AT your convience. And let them know that it would just be a visit and not another party. You could run yourself raggad trying to cater to seperated/divorced in-laws/parents. It gets crazier trying to do visits on holidays.

Just remember the main focus IS the children and their happiness. Anyone not willing to play nice and keep a civil tounge, can take time out at HOME!

We just did something similar. We asked 2 people who have not talked for 16 years to come to several events for our daughter (the first grandchild). It amazed me but they all acted civil and talked with people they felt comfortable with. They stayed as far away from each other as possible but that should not be too hard for you since you have a bigger house now. In the end it was not that big of a deal. I think you are right to only throw one party!! Why should you have to bend over backwards for their issues!! Plus it might be good for your twins. As far as not telling them...I don't know. In our case they knew by default that they where both invited and could prepare themselves for the encounter. I am sure no matter what it will all work out. They all love your kids and that should make it work. Good luck!

My husband's parents are divorced (Dad is remarried) and early on we decided there would be no separate parties. It is important, though, that you inform them that the other side is invited. They'll resent you more if you are secretive. They are grown-ups - and can make their own choice to come prepared to see the ex-spouse, or stay away if they can't handle it. Down the road, there will only be ONE Kindergarten graduation, ONE Grandparents' Day at school, ONE day to celebrate many things, and they will HAVE to attend these things together. Start NOW and just always be honest to each of them that you refuse to pick sides for your kids' sake. If you do separate parties, then that will be the expectation for years to come and will be hard to change down the road. My husband's parents co-exist quite nicely at family gatherings now. Our kids are 6 & 7. Good luck - it's tough, but I believe it will pay off.

My husband and I have almost the same situation. On our twins' first birthday, we invited my mother and father (who are divorced). I informed each of them that the other would be there and my father was very childish and said that if my mother showed up, he would leave. I told him that would only hurt his grandsons. Luckily, my mother did not show up and the party went well.
I would not try to hide the fact that you are inviting both parents. If one (or both) decide not to come, they are the ones who are missing out. As adults, they should be able to put their feelings on the back burner for their grandchildren's party. There is no need to have multiple parties because the people you are inviting can not get along.
Good luck. No matter what, enjoy your twins' special day.

Our son was in a similar situation but it was between a couple of family members, grandmother and great-grandmother. He decided to invite both of hem to his daughter's first birthday party and, like you, didn't tell each party about his decision. One of the parties found out and refused to come if he didn't "Uninvite" the other one. He refused to do that so, because of family scheduling conflicts they had two parties and invited them to different parties. The one still did not come but that is her problem not our son's. Hope this helps a little. Family squabbles can sure create havic at parties that are supposed to be for the children. I say, grow up and act like civilized adults for the chilren's sake. But that is just me! Good Luck!

We have a similar situation with my husband's family. We let people know that everyone was invited. Some chose to come, one chose to visit our child on a different day and forgo the party. That was fine with us. We decided early on that we can't please everyone, and we would make our decisions based upon what was best for our little family of four. If our extended family is unhappy, that is their issue, not ours. I wouldn't hesitate to remind them that this day is about the twins and nothing else matters for those couple of hours.

My husband and have had the same issues with our parents. I finally told them that we are having one party, and that they are all welcome to come to the party or the kids will see them another time. I simply stated to them that it was not our choice for our parents to get divorced, and that my kids birthdays and holidays are not about the grandparents, but about my children. Since we have done this there have not been any issues, and all of the grandparents have come to all of our celebrations without any other disagreements.

I'm a stay at home mom to a 2 1/2 year old boy, and a 16 mo. old girl.

A.

I think you shouldn't hide the fact that you will be inviting everyone (the divorced grandparents). If they decide not to come, because they can't be mature adults.
Then let them know that they are just hurting their grand kids. I know it's not easy. My parent's are divorced, and my Dad get's weird around my mom side of the family. I don't cater to his needs. He missed my son's first birthday, but ended up coming to the second this year. He's the one missing out on his grandson's memories. Which is hard for me, but I'm not going to have 2-3 different b-day's to apease him. Best of luck!!

My sister has the same problem. I think you are right to invite everyone to one party, there is no reason for you to cater to adults. BUT I would have your husband tell his parents that they are all invited. If they choose to miss out on their grandchildrens' birthday party because they are immature, it's their loss. My sister spends her entire day of Christmas home so her in-laws don't have to run into each other and her kids are old enough to want to visit our extended family. My husband's parents are divorced and his father has decided not to be involved in his life or our children, it's both a blessing (bc he's a jerk) and a curse (he's my kids' only grandfather).
I love having parties for my kids, I hope they don't ruin it for you, 3 is when they realize how great their birthday is! Good Luck and try not to worry about their reactions, they are adults.

I have twins as well and grandparents who are divorced. In my opinion you should let each side know who will be at the party. Don't ask them, but tell them you expect them to be polite for 3 hours one day a year! If they cannot be polite, then they need to make the decision to come or not to come to the party. That's my never to be humble opinion ;-) Good luck! Twins are soooooooo much fun, huh!

Amanda;

Even in the best of family situations where there is no divorce, there can be members who do not get along. If you and your husband want the grandparents to be there and they want to come, then so be it, however, you should let everyone know who will be attending the party. Then you should ask them to please put aside differences during that time for the sake of the grandchildren whom they love and who love them. If they tell you that they cannot "fake it", then continue with party plans without them. At least you will have attempted to include them.

Tell them! Nothing worst than being caught off guard. Also try to gently give them some guide lines, explaining how you want this to be a great memory for your twins.
D.

I am a divorced (remarried) grandmother and found myself in a situation like you are proposing. My ex, his wife and I were all invited to a birthday party for a grandson. None of us were told that the other would be there. It was a very uncomfortable surprise for me to arrive & find them there. My ex & his wife made an excuse to leave early before I could. Later he called & screamed at me saying I ruined it for them by coming. They usually didn't attend parties if they knew I would be there and vise virsa, so it was decided not to tell us the other would be there. I think it would have been much better if we had been told something like, "we are having a party for Jrs. birthday on Sat. and would really like for you to attend but wanted you to know so&so has also been invited". That way it is their choice if they want to attend and might save you having a big mess on your hands. I agree it would be nice if all the parties involved could be mature enough to handle being together for thing like this. Unfortunately that usually isn't the case.

My fiance's parents are divorced and I always invite both to the same parties. They do not get along either. However, we have never had a problem at our son's parties, and I told my fiance that if we ever do then it would be the last party that they will be invited to. And I am definitely sticking to that.

You could tell them that the other is going to be there, and if that makes them uncomfortable then they can stay home and miss out on the celebration. It really is their choice to act like grown-ups or not to. You could also lay the guilt trip on them that this is a special day for the twins and to not bring their personal issues. This will not be the only time that they will be asked to be in the same place at the same time and eventually they will have to put away their differences and be able to be around each other for a few hours several times a year. Or they will be the ones to miss out on the mile-stomes of your lives.

Good Luck! This may seem like the obvious, but just emphasizing that it is what would be the best for the kids SHOULD make them want to at least be civil. (Or you could forward this request/responses to them once everyone has responded to you!)....just kidding, of course.

hmmm, I think I would just have a talk with the two grandparents and tell them if they can't be at least civil to each other, to not show up. That there will only be one party and only one chance to witness the twins turning 3.
Good Luck
Jess

I would tell them both before hand to behave themselves, that it's your twin's day and you want it remembered as such. If they can't behave then they'll be asked to leave. Hope this helps!! S.

I would only have one party and invite both sets of grandparents. I would also tell them ahead of time that you invited the other set. If they throw a fit (which it sounds like they will), remind them that you and your husband's first priority are making this a memorable birthday for the kids - not catering to them! If they want to spend the time and money to plan a separate birthday party for the kids, so be it - just make sure it fits into your schedule! My parents are like this too, even though they've been divorced for 25 years. My mother actually refused to come to my wedding 9 years ago because it wasn't fair to her that I wanted both my parents there. I now have two kids - ages 6 and 3. My 6 year-old is starting to see how selfish her grandmother is and really doesn't want a whole lot to do with her. It really is the grandparents who are going to lose out in the long run when they let their selfishness govern their lives.

Hi Amanda,
I can very much relate. My sister and I are in the same situation. We invite them all and it is uncomfortable but we try and focus on the kids and their time and celebration. There is really only one parent that hasn't moved on even though it has been 37 years! My sister and I are very grateful for each other and try and have a sense of humor about it because after all it is ridiculous.
Good luck - I say go for it and ignore the immaturity.
C. T.

From experience I can tell you, even from the time of my wedding...and especially now with children~their grandchildren. Your parents have to choose to put their feelings aside (and just now be around each other at the party if need be) Believe me, kids pick up on those slightest of things. I would recommend you let them know the other is planning to attend though~and surprisingly I think they may choose to come simply because of the "competition" factor. My mother hates when Papa comes to something and she misses out!! Sad, but true:) I would also tell them what kind of day/behavior you expect if they do come. Like, "I hope you can put your differences aside and come for the twins' sake. They really want all of their grandma and grandpas there! Otherwise, we can just do cake at your house sometime and I can show you the video." My parents would never dream about going to each other's home, but with it being at your new home (neutral ground) hopefully they'll see the importance of having the whole family there for the kids! Hope this helps!

i say have the party! invite everyone dont tell them or do up to you but honestly i would tell them all the " we are haveing a huge party EVERYONE is invited and we would like you to come" and if they cant get past their differences for one day then that is very sad! like you said "My husband and I are tired of catering to the immature grandparents because they are too uncomfortable to be around each other. " thats is a great quote and thats what i would tell them! Good luck honey!