2Nd Birthday Dilema

I agree with the prior suggestions, and you shouldn't throw 2 parties because of them. However, many parents frequently have a "family" party and a "kid" party anyway. If they don't get along, maybe one would prefer to come help you at the kid party instead.

I see you already have 30 responses and I don't have time to read them all, but what about a big party and then a dinner (out or in) with a b'day cake for the other. You can decide who it is more important to have at the party....or who cares more or who wouldn't mind a quiet dinner as opposed to a party. etc. Two parties is too much! Would be the same situation if you were getting married....you certainly wouldn't have two weddings for them.

Hello Corinne.

Which of the two has more of a tolerance for small children? I would invite that one to the actual "kid" party and then have a family dinner at a festive place and invite the other to that.

Best of luck.

Hi Corinne,

I would simply tell the grandparents that they will get along, they will be mature and they will stay away from each other and IN NO WAY create negative feelings at your son's party. If they do, they will be banned from future parties until they can grow up.

Then, put a neutral third party in charge of keeping an eye on them and ignore them for the party. If the 3rd party says someone didn't follow the rules, stick to what you told them next year.

Or, call them up, tell them you're not inviting them to the party because of past behavior but they may take your son out to dinner/ice cream to celebrate privately.

Good luck!

Hi corinne, i would have one party, your parents come and they behave like mature adults or they stay home. your sons birthday is about him, not your parents. if they miss it, that's on them, a 2 year old isn't going to know the difference. Enjoy your sons party, he only turns 2 once. J. L.

Soooo agree with everyone.

Many of my friends have the same issue. One of them started a trend a few years ago that's caught on locally...and it's become my favorite solution;

After the "that's it, I'm through" thing hit, while planning her daughter's bday my friend sat both her parents down and handed out her ruling:

They would have one more chance at not driving at her crazy at her child's b-day IF they wanted it. After that ONE parent could come to the party, and the other parent could do a private thing the day before or after (take their grandchild out to lunch/have them over at the parent's house for dinner/etc), and they would trade off years. Coin toss to decide the first year if they couldn't agree...and an iron clad rule that the "private thing" could NOT, under any circumstances, be bigger/better/cooler than the actual party. She also added that any sniping/griping/making her or her child uncomfortable/ or otherwise driving her nuts would mean that they would just both be banned altogether.

<grinning> Her last line to each of them, had me in stitches. "I love you, your grandaughter loves you, but DON'T make me turn this car around."

Yup. *SHE* was mum now, and *SHE* was in the drivers seat alright. They wanted to go do something cool...they could stop their driving her up the bloody wall. I don't know if her parents got the parallel, but I couldn't stop laughing until I cried.

I would have talks with your parents and tell them to grow up and suck it up. If they love their grandson and want what is best, apart from being great role models, they need to put his needs before their feelings. Im sorry that you are in this situation, i truely feel bad for you, but your son deserves to have al his family at one happy party at least once a year, i hope your parents can get over it and grow up for him.

If you start having two parties now... then for every occasion you will have to have two. Don't do that to yourself. Tell them that they are both invited, if either of them should make in uncomfortable in any way... that will be the last time they will be invited to any such event. This is about your son! This is a good lesson to start teaching your child... can't we all just get along?! :) If you start doing two of everything at some point, your son is going to ask why we have one party with grandma and one party with grandpa?! They are adults and so are you. I know you are uncomfortable but it's because they have made it so for you. Make it stop now Corinne. Good luck!!

I have divorced parents, and 2 daughters, I have told my parents when there is a birthday party, or any other kind of function for my immediate family and if you can't get along and be mature then "DON'T COME". After all this is for the kids.

Okay, here's what I have done...my ex's parents and my parents to NOT get along at ALL. So, I explained to both sides that our son's party is the priority and if they can't pretend to get along for the sake of their grandchild than I didn't care if any of them came. Bottomline, this is about the child and not about them and their issues.

Sadly, my ex's parents have never come to anything since then but they do get a special day where they celebrate just the three of them. I just couldn't stand feeling like a line was drawn down the middle of my son's party. My parents have vowed to do everything they can to be cordial and they are to my Ex and to his other relative when they are present, so it's just about being able to cross the line and be an adult.

Don't go out and throw two parties to make two people happy...this is about your son and not the adults who don't like each other.

Hey Corinne,
How awful to have to work around such a difficult situation for what should be a happy occasion. Additionally, what lesson is your son learning in through this process...that grown-ups must be separated if they don't get along?
My thoughts would be to talk to each of your parents separately and tell them that if they cannot choose to cooperate with each other at these events, that they will not be invited anymore. They are adults, and allowing them to behave this way in front of you and your son is doing neither of you any good. Quite frankly, it's horrible modeling on conflict resolution for your son. If they want to duke it out, tell them that they must do so on their own time, but your son's birthday is a joyful occasion and all their baggage needs to be left at the door.

The "burden" of the party's logistics is not upon You. It is upon them... to be mature about it, and know that it is a party FOR their Grandson, not them. THEY must be selfless... and humble in light of the occasion... and NOT expect everyone and anyone to cater to their inability to get along. That is not fair, for friends or family, or Grandchildren. Because it is a BURDEN... and they have to assume RESPONSIBILITY for it. Themselves.

You are NO WAY obligated to host different parties, just for them, and their inability to share a space.
The focus, is on your Son's Birthday, and you as his parents.

You plan your Son's Birthday party, when and how you wish. It is FOR him, after all. AND yes, he should not have to be 'tangled up' in the hassle or complexity of it... or, who knows, when he is older, he may just DREAD any of his Birthday parties... because he WILL know by then, that his "Grandparents" has issues and that it creates problems for him and everyone/his parents. When he is Older, He must know it has nothing to do with him, or because of him. And that he IS ALLOWED AND ABLE to have the kind of Birthday party he wants... and invite who he wants, when he is older. He must know, that his special occasions is NOT "decided" upon depending on his Grandparent's inability to get along, or that it will interfere in his life... nor other special parties.

His Grandparents can CHOOSE... to come or not.
It is a CHOICE. - to be gracious or not.

It would be so sad... if Grandparents with grudges.... "spoil" a child's Birthday and ANY other happy/special occasion in the future. With a child, there WILL be other kinds of parties/get togethers too, it is inevitable.

Think down the road... and create a tradition FOR your son, and his legacy... in your own nuclear family.

That is what I would do.

All the best,
Susan

My opinion, just an idea, and it worked for me!
It sounds like you need to employ some tough love!

This is YOUR son. It is YOUR job to control what happens in YOUR home.

Be firm. Write ONE letter. Send copies to both. "Dear Mom and Dad, I love you both. I want my son to have BOTH of his grandparents in his life to celebrate..." on and on...

BE CLEAR. They are equally important, loved, wanted and invited but must agree to leave their personal issues OUTSIDE your home. It is their job to BE NICE and focus on the event at hand. If they can not behave, they will be asked to leave and not be invited back for the next event. Be firm. Make it simple. Your home or event is not the forum for them to throw daggers. Even the silent kind.

My letter was the first time ANYONE had even uttered the idea of them co existing in the same space. It didn't happen at the first birthday party, it's a gradual thing, but I've got three kids and we do a lot of sports tournaments and celebrating! Today my parents are actually FRIENDS. It's not for everyone, I know, but the trick is, and I was SCARRED TO DEATH, is to be FIRM and willing to stick to your plan!

I feel great knowing that my children know there are ways to work out conflict and get along with people they really don't want to see, and get past and through problems with grace and yes, hard work.
Good Luck!

I know how difficult it can be when two members of a family cannot find it to be civil to one another. What I would recommend is that you focus on your child. Invite people for whom HIS milestone means something. Let each of the parties know that the other is invited to the party and ask that they please focus on your son and not each other. Leave it up to each of them if they wish to attend or not. Remind them that the purpose of this gathering is not to rehash old hurts, but to create new and lasting memories for you and your son and that they are welcome to attend if they can agree on that!

You cannot control how THEY behave, but they are both adults and should start acting like it.

Good luck! L.

Hi Corinne,

I grew up in a similar situation. My parents were divorced and I also had other family to celebrate events with. No one ever did things together so I was constantly tossed around celebrating events with each "group". On one side, it was fun having my birthday and other holidays last so long, but on the other, it would have been wonderful to have everyone together. The holidays really made things awful and incredibly stressful to the point where I don't even look forward to the Thanksgiving/Christmas time even now as an adult. Now that I'm married (hubby ALSO has divorced parents), we are really being mindful to try to do as much together as possible. Obviously, we can't mix all of our families b/c it doesn't work for all the other siblings, etc. but when it comes to something WE are hosting (parties, babies, birthdays, etc.) we have decided to invite everyone we love and if anyone can't get along with the other person, they can choose not to come or stay away from him/her. So far it has worked well and saved us much stress. I refuse to make my (future) children party jump in order to see everyone they love. They don't deserve the mess our parents put us through. Plus, after so many years, we all need to grow up, accept the facts, and enjoy the blessings we DO have.

As for you, it's your decision. Why are you uncomfortable? Is it b/c they DO cause problems or are you just nervous they WILL cause problems? If it's the "what if" case, I would share your concern and then enjoy the party. Tell them it's that or not being invited next time. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to suck it up for the day and be involved in your little one's celebrations. (Sorry for the long post, I feel very passionate b/c of my background and the years of frustration and stress that came from it.)

GOOD LUCK!!!!

I think you should have one party. It is NOT your responsibility to babysit the adults. We have a situation like this in our family and my husband and I have decided that when we are hosting a party/holiday then we will invite everyone and make sure they understand that everyone is invited (including the person they dont get along with) and you would appreciate their effort to avoid/get along with the person to give your child the best birthday possible. Why should you and your baby suffer through all the extra work of a second party because some adults can not behave?

I found it interesting that you said it "was uncomfortable for me". Just an observation. You see, I am a firm believer that no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

As for different parties - here is how my kid's birthdays usually looked - one party with their friends - then another with my husband's family - then another one with my brothers and sisters, neices and nephews THEN ANOTHER ONE with my mother. You see, she doesn't like "too much family".

My girls were never confused when their birthday was, they celebrated all month. AS for the other birthdya with their grandma, well it was my responsibilty to turn a really awkward situation into a winning situation. So I made a big deal of them getting to have a special one on one celebration with grandma, it was just the two of them, for their own speical day. Now, they are 10 and 13 and the really look forward to that special day out with grandma. So does she.

Let your parents know that if they choose, they can take your son on a special date every year, just him and them, seperate of course. Make a wonderful situation for your son.

I'd love to hear what you decide.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

I dont mean to be harsh but all I read is about how you feel and the grandparents feel. BUT what is important to remember for this birthday and others is that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU or THEM. It is about your son. Everyone needs to put the childish **** away on this special day now and forever and allow your child the delight if having his family together to honor HIM.

From my experience (same situation and I don't talk to my father in law)have one party. This day is to celebrate your son. He isthe only one you should have to cater to. I usually let them invite peolpe they like to be around too like one or two of my in laws family and friends. This way they have people who make them comfortable. But they should behave themselves because it is their grandchild. If you start doing seperate birthday parties then it will continue with holidays and other family functions.

You and they get to be uncomfortable. Do not have two parties. This is about your son!

Have only 1 party per year. Discuss it w/ your parents and consider inviting Grandma one year and Grandpa the next. If they live locally, the un-invited grandparent could maybe take your son out for a special time -- so you can get ready for the party and they'd get "birthday time" too.

yES YOU HAVE ONE PARTY.....WHATEVER THEIR PROBLEM IS...IT IS NOT YOURS OR YOUR SON. tHEY NEED TO GROW UP AND BE GRANDPARENTS AND PUT ON A HAPPY FACE FOR YOUR SON!

No, you don't have two parties, etc., etc. They can either be cordial to each other for the day or not attend. Why should you have to go out of your way to make them both comfortable. This isn't about them, it's about your child and their celebration.

Corinne, there are times in our lives we need to put or foot down and "be the parent" so to speak. One party is all you need to have. Tell the grandparents if they can't be cordial to one another for the sake of their grandkid then they shouldn't show up. You've still invited them but left the ball in their court to decide whether they can behave or not. It's not your problem that they can't get along. Don't allow their issues to be shoved off on to you or your child. Life is all about choices. Put your foot down now before things get worse.

Hi Corinne,
I would do one party... being a mom is stressful enough without having to worry about who is getting along with whom. Your parents should be able to spend one afternoon in the same room for you and your son. If one of them doesn't want to come, then you can have lunch or dinner and cake with that parent another day. That being said, you don't have to have grandparents/family at every party either. As your son gets older he'll just want to have his friends at his party. The first couple of years are about the family but after that it's about having fun with his friends. My son is 6. Sometimes his grandparents come to his parties if they are around but if they aren't we just have a little celebration when we do see them and his parties are just for friends and cousins his age.

Hope this help!

A child's birthday is supposed to be about the child. I know it's easier said than done, but I think that if the adults love the child, they can suck it up and deal with being uncomfortable for an hour or two every year. Think into the future - there will be school programs, sports leagues, concerts, GRADUATIONS... all kinds of events at which the grownups will just have to behave LIKE GROWNUPS and keep their issues to themselves. My oldest is now 22 (and my baby, #4, is 10) and until their teens, my older children honestly did not know that some of the adults in their lives don't get along, and would never see each other if given their preference, because we all manage to hold it together for the kids. My youngest still has no idea. Expect both your parents to behave like adults, and stop agonizing over making everyone happy. Focus on YOUR SON. Good luck; it's tough, but worth it.

I don't know the circumstances of why they don't get along. Is on more at fault than the other? To encourage them to buck up, why not have them draw straws? Say "I know you can't be together, but there is only one party so draw straws." Maybe this will help them see that in the end they will miss out if they can't be civil. Then again, you don't want to punish one parent if the other is at fault.

How about inviting one to the actual party itself and then arrange a special birthday outing with the other. You could alternate each year.

I wouldnt do seperate parties but I would give them rules/expectations on how to act at your party. If they can't follow your request they do not have to come. Maybe have one over for dinner a night close to your sons bday or lunch or something. Don't coddle them but maybe give an alternative. If they chose to have more of a one on one you can have them alternate years but make THEM work out who will do what. They do not put you in the middle and only RSVP.

I understand how you feel, it's really hard to get in between of two parties who are adult and old enough to know what to do, they are the one who should be bringing the whole family together in harmony and be a model to those who look up to them. I don't know the details what cause the situation but i'm sure there is nothing in this world that they can't let go. It doesn't matter who's side is right or wrong, they need to handle their differences as an adult and be there for your son to look up to. talk to them let them know how much you wanted them to join you and withness the celebration of your son's coming birthday because you needed them there not as a visitor but as a family, if they feel the same they need to make this day one of his best memory to remember and cherries in his childhood. If they can't assure you that they can be civil to one another its better for everybody specially for your son not to come. To have two separate party in consideration of their issues is not an option, like you said you don't want to confuse your son by celebrating his birthday twice, one for grandma and one for grandpa. Remember this day is your sons special day don't beat up yourself to please everybody. Don't let anything to stop you and your son from having a good time.

You just have one party, invite them, and if it turns out bad, don't invite them to future parties. Eventually, when the kids go to school anyway, you usually just invite kids. I'm thinking you'll probably be too busy doing things at the party to notice if there's anything uncomfortable.

Corinne,
We are actually in the same boat! All I can say is if you have the time, money, and energy to have two separate parties every year for the rest of you kids lives then go for it! However, for us that is not reasonable. We invite both and if they want to be mature about it and come, since clearly it's not about them anyway, then they can show up! Good luck!

I know this is unfortunate when this happens. And when I have had to figure out what to do in a situation like this, I made things less complicated by leaving the choice up to the two parties who had difficulty getting along.

I hated the idea of inviting "either or" so I left it completely up to them on whether or not they would be joining in the festivities with us. I invited them both, let them know the other person was invited as well, and it was up to them. Then there were no hurt feelings, it took most of the emotion out of it for me, and it helped everyone not to personalize not being invited.

I understand people have their differences, but if they can't set aside their drama for a couple hours to celebrate a grandchild's birthday, in my opinion, that's selfishness on their part. They are so caught up about the one another, they are only robbing themselves and their grandchild of some precious memories.

I say, you have your ONE party, invite everyone - and let THEM figure it all out. They should be able to behave themselves for the sake of their grandchild, and if they cannot - then neither should be welcome.;If this makes you uncomfortable, tell your husband and close girlfriends that you need their support, and for them to "stay close" and be a buffer zone during the party. Tell the grandparents to grow up.
K.

Hello, Corrine,
I would have 1 party to celebrate your dear son's birthday, and if those two supposedly mature people can't get along, I would not invite them at all in the future. You should tell them ahead of time that this is not about them, but YOUR SON, and if they can't be mature and set a good example that they are not welcome. Sorry to be so harsh, but I believe that this is what's wrong with our society these days, is the poor example set by others.
Good luck and have a wonderful time.

Sorry Corinne,
I didn't realize that 46 people had pretty much written the same response I did before I wrote this. I hope everything works out for you!

I would have one party and invite both grandparents. I would tell them that it's very important that they understand that this day is about your son and not them and if they have a problem being in the same place they can work out who will come and who will not. If they both come and they make a scene, they should be asked to leave in no uncertain terms. I understand that you love your parents and want to make everyone happy but this puts way too much pressure on you. Explain to your parents that you don't want them to miss any of your sons milestones but if they can't get along at these functions you'll have to come up with a schedule which means that each parent will miss half of all functions. I know this sounds harsh but adults should be able to act like adults for the sake of their grandchildren.

Good Luck!
L.

Been there! My grandparents were that way. It was horrible. We couldn't even tell one that we were even talking to the other. My Daddy finally put his foot down when I graduated from highschool. He told both of them that they were both invited and that if they made it an uncomfortable experience they wouldn't be invited to further events like my wedding or baby's birthdays etc. That shut them up. Daddy was right. Children should never have to see people act that way. For one thing, grown people don't act like that! Good luck and you surely have my sympathies!

one party and tell them to keep their issues outside of the party as it is a party for their grandchild or you will have to ask them to leave

Corinne-
I have had a similar family situation. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I would usually have a big party for my kids & it didn't always fall on the actual birthday. Then on the "actual" birthday, we would do a special b-day dinner with just the 4 of us & the other grandparent that didn't come to the big party. It was much better for my nerves & the other party guest wern't feeling the tension. Good luck!

I would plan one party. They are adults and if they cannot get it together and be polite and coordial to one another for one day then they do not have to go. Simple as that. You shouldn't have to accomidate them with seperate parties for your childs birthday. Explain to them that this is your childs day and you would like for them to be there since they are his grandparents, but if they cannot absolutely be nice to each other for what? 5 hours at most then for them to please not come. You and your child should not have to stress out on what should be a fun day celebrating.

Corinne,
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. How incredibly childish the whole thing sounds. It blows me away that two adults cannot suck it up and just get along... especially for the sake of their grand children. Anyway, I would have one party and not invite either of them since they seem to make it uncomfortable for you. I would explaing that to them as well - it stresses you out and you really want to be able to concentrate on your son and not worry about them. Then I would allow each of them to have thier own private celebration with your son at a different time. You could do dinner or lunch with them one at a time and they can give their gifts then if they would like. You can do cake at all three events if you like (who doesn't like cake) or you don't even have to have a "celebration", it could just be a nice visit with gandma and another nice visit with grandpa, but then you don't have the stress.
Good luck!

Dear Corinee,
I had/have the same problem with my in-laws. My sister in law had separate things for a while, but that became a hassle. My husband and I decided that all are welcome and those who want to come and celebrate my child's birthdays then will come. We refuse to partake in their silliness, and so far it has been good.
My mother in law and his step mom don't talk to each other, it is uncomfortable, but life is what it is.
Do what is best for your family.
Good luck,
Ceci

I say, you need to have a heart to heart with both of your parents and tell them that you expect them to behave like grown-ups. Have your party. It does not need to be a 12 hour love-fest, just make it short and sweet (better for your son, too - 2 yr olds melt down after more than 2 hours of "fun") If you need to, schedule it while there is a football game on that your dad would enjoy or something, so that he has something to do other than glare at his ex. You can also give her something to do away from him, if need be, like helping out with the kitchen duties (gosh, these suggestions are pretty 1950's of me, huh). But just make it clear that the party is for THE GRANDCHILD, whom they both adore, and you expect them to keep their comments and hatred to themselves.

Dear Corinne,
I think it would be wrong for you to get into a pattern of having 2 parties. Invite them but explain to them that the other will be there and explain to each how you feel and that you need their help to make the party go well. If they do not want to attend, it is their choice. If they do they have to be willing to not ruin it for you. I agree that as your son gets bigger, you will have children's parties and the grandparents usually aren't there unless helping with the kids. Invite them separately to other events throughout the year. Enjoy your son's birthday.
H.

Have ONE party & invite everyone....THEY are SUPPOSED to be adults, right? THEY are supposed to be able to handle themselves (at LEAST for one day for your sake & your son's sake).

If they SIMPLY cannot "behave", then you can invite them to spend some one on one time w/your boy at another time.....

You shouldn't waste another moment of negative/stressful energy on "these people" - you have your OWN family now. And whether or not you realize it, your stress over this DOES affect your kid, simply because it upsets you, ya know? Yes, I know that they are your parents & it IS difficult to say the least, but you have GOT to just leave them to their own devices in dealing with each other & make it CLEAR to each of them that you love them, but do not want one SECOND of drama at your boy's birthday party.

YOU are not the one "misbehaving" - THEY are. Therefor, in my opinion, YOU should not have to be the one to "adjust". Good luck to you, mama!