Husband Now Hates My Mother- HELP!!!

I've gotta agree with you husband. I would question the sanity of a grandmother that would continue to own a dog that would bite a grandchild.
I wouldn't allow her over at my place. Lots of people live very happy lives without "toxic" relatives.

I totally disagree with the first poster. You need to put your husband and kids first. Have your mom stay somewhere else. You need to stand up to your mom and your husband is right to not want anything to do with her.

the whole post was about mom's behavior, until the end, when you accused your husband being rude to her. actually, here's a scenario i want you to imagine: if this had been your MIL and your bil, what would you have done then?
here is what i would do. my mother's dog bit my child who ended getting 7 stitches. then she and my immature brother show up, cause a scene, leave without saying goodbye, doesn't acknowledge the birth of my child or holidays for my children, then i have to get in touch with her due to a family member getting sick, and she acts like nothing has happened.
well hell to the no. unless she took steps towards apologizing to me, my husband, and my children, and got rid of the dog who has a history of attacks on children, she would not be allowed back into my family's life. then i would apologize to my husband for not understanding that all he was doing is protecting his family, even though his wife wanted to keep peace with her mother who is the main cause of all the disruption. hubby, in your case, did nothing wrong but is protecting his family in case the MIL goes nuts again. children come first, not immature adults.

Your Husband has a right to feel what he feels... but instead of making drama about it, you AND he need to decide how to handle it. First, WHY is your Mom coming to stay the weekend at your house? Did your Husband have a say in it? Its his house too.... and your Mom/your brother show TOTAL disregard for you and your Husband. The problem is your Mom and your brother. Your Husband is digging in his heels for his level of values. Why should he be a hostage to them? Its his home and his children, and he is not wanting them to be around such bad influences etc.
But this is your Mom... she is not real motherly. She has a whole bunch of problems and behavioral issues herself. So, you need to decide how much of a presence and how much of an influence she will be in YOUR family... or not.

You and Hubby have to decide... what level of influence she is going to have upon your family and kids. And your marriage.

Once you are married, the priority is your Spouse... too. And your kids.
Your Mom, will not change. You can't expect a miracle in that department. So you have to manage your own family, in conjunction with your Husband. HE has a say in it too. Everyone has a right, to their own family... and not it being a doormat to other toxic people, in-laws or not.

Of course you and Hubby got into an argument about it, because he was NOT consulted with, jointly, about your Mom coming to visit and stay at your house. I would be irked too.
It should have been a decision between the both of you. THEN, you saying to your Mom "I have to talk about it with Husband first.....and I will let you know.... "

all the best,
Susan

I think your husband is being extremely tolerant to even let her cross the threshold of your home. If it were me, I'd be tempted to sprinkle her with Holy water to drive the demon out. Your mother owes you, your husband and grandchildren an apology for her behavior.

.

You probably won't like the tone of my answer but here goes: First - why in the world would you invite your mother to stay at your house when you know the ramifications - very disrespectful. Plus, the fact you 'told' him, you did not ask for his input - again disrespectful. She's not his mother - he doesn't have to like her. Should he be cordial, I'm not sure. I think at this point he is more upset with your expectations of his behavior then what your mother did - I would be! Marriage is a partnership and with this scenario, you don't get to 'tell' him how things will be and tell him how to 'act'.

You are stuck in the middle, but actually, I'm not sure why you would want to continue a relationship with your mother until she has come the realization of her behavior. If the tables were turned, you would be just as upset as your husband.

My mother's family is toxic. Therefore, we barely see them anymore. I do not want to expose my children to their behavior nor do I want them to know that family members can actually treat each other the way they do. My husband cannot stand my family, understandably, so I limit my visits to just myself with them and the occasional all family lunch at a restaurant (where most likely they will all be cordial).

If you want a relationship with your mother, then that is your business. But to expect your husband and children to be exposed to their toxic behavior is wrong. Accepting their behavior in your home is modeling toxic behavior to your children. The cycle will only continue with their families.

Get a hotel for your mom and go visit her...

Actually, I am going to disagree with the previous poster. I don't blame your husband for not speaking to your mom. Most likely he feels out of control of the situation. Your mom is being the child in this picture.....not your husband.

This is not going to be what you want to hear, but your husband should have a say in whether or not your mother stays at your house. It's his house too and if she makes things miserable for the whole family, then mabey meeting at a neutral location until she changes her behavior is the best choice.

If it were me, I wouldn't have mamma or brother as houseguests until you can settle things with your husband.

And I do NOT think your husband is being unreasonable. He wants to protect his kids from all this drama - that your mother, brother and you create. Can't say that I blame him there.

It does sound like your mom could be mentally ill. Cares more about a stupid dog that bites people than her grandson? Enough so she won't speak to her human family for months at a time? Maybe she's just selfish to the extreme, but she doesn't sound right in the head to me.

Good luck.

Your husband doesn't want her in his/your home... He doesn't want her poor behavior exposed to the children. You can still have a relationship with her but you need to respect his decision to protect his family from someone he doesn't trust anymore... Which means, you can see her outside of the home and away from the children. Have her stay at a motel. If she questions it, tell her that she needs to be accountable for her past behavior and, over time you hope to bring her back into the family's good graces.

Remember your wedding vows girlfriend: let no one come between you and your husband.

Well, it looks like we can all tell you what "needs" to be done, and who "needs" to do what. That won't make any of it happen.

I'm guessing that you grew up with a fair amount of drama and emotional manipulation in your family. In other words, sort of a "normal" family, like the one I grew up in.

If that's the case, you may not even recognize that the interpersonal relationships are all out of whack, and communication is not happening, until everybody's undies are all bunched up. It might serve you well to learn some communication techniques that can help keep everyone from pulling in opposite directions at once – which seems to be what has happened in your family.

You can make a positive difference, even if you are the only one using certain techniques, like listening deeply, and repeating what you think you have heard. Here's one possible example, "Mom, I am hearing that you feel angry because I (or my husband) reacted like XYZ. Do I have that right?"

Then empathize. "You know, I can see that I would feel the same way if XYZ happened to me. Is there anything else you'd like me to hear about that?" This is NOT the place to explain or defend your side of it. Just listen. (It's hard, but you get your turn soon.)

You don't have to apologize unless it feels authentic, but you can still acknowledge that you play a part in her distress. "Yes, I can find that. That certainly is part of what happened. I can see that your feelings are still hurt." It is AMAZING what a simple acknowledgement of the other person's feelings can do. Suddenly they have been heard, their feelings have been received, and, and, well, …they can listen to YOU!

Now is your turn. Tell what your precise feelings were, and what needs of yours went unmet, when XYZ happened. Keep it about you and your feelings and needs. "So here's what it was like for me. As the hostess, wife and mother, I hoped for a happy visit that my kids could learn from and enjoy. That didn't happen. I needed people to pull together and cooperate. Didn't happen. I resented having to clean up after my brother, whom I had not even invited. I'm tired, tense, and overextended, and hosting guests under those circumstances was no pleasure for me at all."

Then make a request, a need of yours that your mother can achieve. It might be as simple as asking her to repeat what you've just told her. It might be asking her to plan to come alone next time. Whatever you request, keep it free of comments about her, like "Please leave YOUR drama behind the next time you visit." That will put you right back at square one.

I hope you can see the potential for a whole different level of communication than what you are used to. If you're intrigued, I hope you'll google Non-Violent Communication for lots of tips, examples, books, videos and classes. This is only one of several adult ways of communicating – it's the one I've learned and had amazing results with. My best to you.

I think for everyone's sanity you should pay for your mom to stay in a nearby hotel.

M.

I am sorry but hubby is right to not want her around. He should not be rude to but until she apologizes for what she has done I would not have her around my children either. She is your mother its up to you to talk to her and make it right. You should be next to your husband on this as he is your family. She might be your mom but you share your life with your husband. Plus she really does not value you and your family. I am sorry but that dog is dangerous.

If you continue to have her in your home, you are going to continue to have drama. You have to know deep down that this visit won't go well. It isn't fair to your husband or children to have to deal with that. She's your mom, but she sounds like a pill and I wouldn't want my children exposed to her. (From what you described, I think I would be rude to her as well!) She sounds like a ticking time bomb. I would have her stay at a local hotel and keep visits minimal. She has proved herself to be a complete nutjob. I seriously doubt she'll ever change.

Someone needs to tell your husband that by being nasty and refusing to speak to her, he's stopping to her level of childishness.

That said, he has every right to think she's crazy and a bad influence and probably shouldn't be around your children. If you were being respectful of him in the slightest, you also would not put him in the position to have her staying in his house. He should have every right to have a healthier and emotionally safer environment than you are allowing him by not letting him have say in whether she is there at your house.

If you insist on treating him like a child with no say in his personal space, he's more likely to act like one, and you shouldn't be especially surprised. He should have every right to decide not to interact with this person and have you honor that. That doesn't mean you give up a relationship with your mother, but you certainly don't let her stay in the house and expect him to pretend to like her.

Put the shoes on the other foot. If his mother was disrespectful and cruel to you in front of your kids, and he just continued to invite her to stay with y'all and expected you to pretend you were okay with it, how would you feel? Do you think it might make you do some frustrated and childish things in response to your feeling trapped and completely disrespected, too?

Oh boy.
You have to get a grip on this situation or it will drive you crazy.
Your husband is still mad about the dog biting incident and your brother's rudeness not to mention the way your mom acted when you stood up to her. Can't blame him for any of that.
None of this has been resolved and therefore he didn't speak to her at the baptism which upset you.
Perfectly understandable.
But, what I don't get is that you "just brought up to him that she's coming this weekend to stay" at your house.
Who's idea was that? You know there is drama like crazy and even though it's your mom, he should have some say in it.
That's just my opinion.
Does he feel like it just got sprung on him and he has no choice?
Somehow, you are going to have to find a resolution to this and he may not even be willing to accept an apology from her if he feels it's just to smoothe things over.
I know you don't want the drama, but if you truly mean that, you are going to have to tell them both that you just can't have it.
He can't harbor a grudge for the rest of your life with your own mother and she can't just waltz in to your home and expect your husband to act like nothing ever happened. Resentments need to be addressed. And, I'm sorry, but your mother seems to be the one who needs to do most of the apologizing after you trying to talk to her about problems with her and your brother and the hissy she threw to the extent of not even contacting you to find out about the birth of your baby.

This isn't going to be fixed without addressing these issues and it does no good for you and your husband to fight over someone who doesn't even live in your home.
You fight when she's not there, you fight when she is, you'll fight when she leaves. Whatever she is guilty of, she can't MAKE you fight.
My friend was telling me the other day that her son's grades are so out of control and she and her husband are fighting every day.
Why are mom and dad fighting over their child not using his class time wisely?
He thinks she's too strict, she thinks he's too lenient and in the meantime....no one is talking to the kid or addressing his part in it.
It's kind of the same thing you're going through. Fighting with each other instead of resolving anything.
It would be nice to think that some things can just get smoothed over, but there is a history of issues that can't be smoothed over with a magic wand.
If you don't want to be in the middle, then don't be. Don't okay a weekend with your mom in your house without talking to your husband first. Or, at the very least, be prepared for them to have it out while your kids aren't around.
I went through a really bad time with my own mother when my grandfather died. We each handled our own grief in our own ways and it wasn't pretty.
We didn't speak for months. But, I absolutely adore my mother and we are really close. It took us being able to sit down and ask forgiveness and offer forgiveness and then we were able to put things behind us. I think that's what your mom and your husband are going to have to do to an extent so the wounds don't continue to fester under the surface even if they pretend to tolerate each other.
The whole thing about your mom coming to stay when you knew your husband wouldn't like it seems kind of shifty on your part. NO OFFENSE.
But, you had to know he wouldn't exactly be hanging a welcome banner on the front of the house for her.
I know you love your mom, but in order to slim down the controversy, you have to find what will be comfortable for your husband so that there IS a chance of getting past this.
Just my opinion.

I wish you the best.

Sounds like a scipt for a soap opera.
Your mom should be more mature than to get pouty and sit in her car. I've found its better to write a person like this than to talk to them. Why? Because when I tell them something they don't like they quit listening and begin to think of their rebuttal of what I've had to say. Then they don't know what I've just told them. The same with "brother". Its a shame your mom didn't teach your brother manners. Write your brother and tell him what you expect of him when he comes to your house. Keep a copy of the lettter to Mom and Brother where you can give them a copy if they come over and seem to have forgotten your rules.

Ask your husband to work with you and be part of the solution, not be part of the problem. He should be mature enough and love you enough to be polite to your mother and brother. When its time to ask mom and brother to leave because of their behavior, tell your husband so he can be the one to tell them. This will makehim the "bad guy" and you the saint. (Ever hear of "Good cop/Bad cop"?)

I am a grandpa, and my dog has nipped some of my grandchildren. But it has always been when they were harrassing the poor dog. I have chastised the dog and he now comes to me for protection when the grandkids get too "playful". (I don't know if I didn't notice before or if he just starting doing this when I came to his rescue.) I protect the dog and teach my grandkids to play "soft" or pet him "soft". He usually sits in my lap and I pet him around his head while the grandkids pet him soft by his hindquarters.

If you can't have your mom in your life because of her bad behavior, have your grandma. Your kids need to have a grandma to love. Their Great grandma will do.

Good luck to you and yours.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell Hubby that she is my mom, and he can be civil. He doesn't have to be friendly or talkative.
Tell Mom the rules of the house. She can follow them or leave. Respect goes both ways.

Your husband needs to have it made clear to him that this woman is your MOTHER, that she is going to be a part of your lives, and that he will treat her with respect. How would you feel if one of your children married a person who did not like you and they allowed them to cut you out of their life? That said, your mother should not have acted like a baby, and she should not have let her anger at you keep her from saying goodbye to her grandchildren. But we all do silly things when we get our feelings hurt, don't we? We have to remember that even if our moms do things we are not crazy about, as long as they are not blatantly disrespecting you, they are your parent and deserve respect as such.

About the dog, you have every right to keep your child away from the animal and away from your mother's house as long as she owns it, but you have to realize that the dog is your mothers companion, and she loves him. She no longer has children in her nest to love and take care of, so she has the dog. If someone asked me to put down my dog, it would be like murdering a member of my family.

I don't think your husband is to blame. To you he's just being rude because you and your mother could move on after everything she and your brother did as though nothing happened. I have to say I don't blame your husband for still being upset, especially if she took it out on your kids by not acknowledging them because she was upset with you. If your husband is not ok with your mother going to your house, you should respect that because it's his house too and I'm sure she's never apologized to him. If you insist on having your mother over, you should ask him if he would be willing to talk to your mother and try to work it out-without the kids around.

Oh, no! I understand where your husband is coming from, but he is going to have to just be civil. That's the only thing that you can ask. I am not sure I would have her stay at my house, though. There WILL be more drama, especially if your brother comes, too. You have to be the one to set clear expectations of her in advance. Be prepared for her to not come or be difficult. You have to stick to your guns that this is not okay with you.