How to Get Through a Divorce

Just give him a break and some time on his own. See if a little time apart will help and then think about what you just said, if he's the one giving all the time, he's probably not... happy. The one thing you have to remember though is your children. They need both parents equally and if it doesn't work out try to be adult and decide how the kids time will be split up. I'm a step mom and I truly care about my step sons mother, when we met I was nervous she'd be awful, but we talked and decided my step son was the most important thing to us and we do what ever we can to ensure he's healthy and happy and I feel as though he's just as much mine.I've had him 4 yrs now and he's seven. Just do whats best for your kids! If you love him you better fight for him and make the changes to show him. Admit your mystakes and own up to them and try to corract them. If it's not to be, then let him move on to get the happiness we all deserve and be fair about the break-up and the kids. I hope this helps and I hope you find what your looking for. GOOD LUCK!

Sweetie - stop being so hard on yourself. Your husband is being very irresponsible and also uncaring of your marriage bond. It is/was his responsiblity to communicate his unhappiness to you so that you could work it out. He clearly did not and that is not fair to you, your marriage or your children. Maybe he did try - but in a marriage you have to often try harder and often be very patient with each other - that is just plain team-work.

You cannot always be "all" to everyone. So take care of yourself now and back off with him. If he really cares for all of you, he will come around. For now, respect his decision and start respecting your needs. What do you need right now? Sounds like you need some stability. So work on attain that for yourself. Do not blame yourself here - there is no blame. Stay out of that - it will get you nowhere positive. Stay positive on you and your kids. It's okay if they see you upset - and just tell them that mommy is feeling very sad and will be better soon. KEep things simple for yourself and just get through each day. You can do this and look for whatever lessons unwrap themselves for you - that is the key here. There is always a positive side in everything.

Just focus on yourself and tell your husband that you will respect what he wants - by needing to move out; AND, you need him to respect what you need/want - to just have some time to deal with it. That means no legal stuff for now. Tell him that you both have one priority in this besides your own health, and that is the well-being of your children. Take it slow - you were together for a long time and so you need to take time to sort it all out, and deal, and heal.

Sending you lots of prayers and love,

Alli

The bad thing is that even if your children do not witness those moments, they are sensitive enough to know when you're feeling bad. I would suggest that you get into therapy RIGHT AWAY, so you can get some perspective on your situation and learn how to care for your children properly in the midst of it. I can recommend some starting points if you're interested.

You cannot make him talk to you, so trying to force it will only make it worse. Do not use the children against him. As long as you don't have concerns that he would be abusive to them, do not keep them from him. He might have a different perspective after being away for a while. He might not. Give him that space, and take this time to figure out who you are and why you aren't/weren't a good wife (your words). I don't know what you did or didn't do, but it's possible that if the roles were reversed and you had left, we might be here congratulating you for getting out and not letting it go on. I make that point because we shouldn't attack him because he left you, without knowing more.

I hope that you will learn from this, for your sake and that of your children.

Counseling isn't for every situation, but I think it might really help you in this one. Remember that the more you try to pull him back, the farther he will pull away. So relax, work on yourself and find out if you can really be the wife he needs you to be.... it might be that you can't and you need to just let him go, so be prepared for that too, but if you can be , then show him, don't just tell him.

If you know a change needs to come from you, then show him you can change. Actions mean so much more than words. Send his folks out to dinner without his knowledge and go over to their house to see him. Show him how affectionate you can be. Keep in mind he said "split apart" not divorce. Maybe he needs you to prove to him that you can be the kind of wife he needs. It will probably take a while, because one time isn't going to convince him, but maybe just give him the space he needs and take every chance you get to show him love and affection.

Just give him some time. Sometimes men just need to take their space and realize what they have at home.
For you - find a hobby. Take dance lessons, learn to knit - do something, anything to occupy your time. Let your kids know that Mommy is sad so if they see you get sad its ok.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope he comes to his senses soon.

I am recently going through the same thing my husband chose to see another woman. I was very upset and angry and I too wanted it to work for our 3 yr old. I learned that it will be ok and if you are goin to have a break down do it in the shower or where the children cannot see it. They depend on you to be strong for them. I had to keep myself busy and focus on my daughter. Yes it is both of your faults for the marriage not working (it was hard for someone to tell me that as well), but just leave him alone only call when it is about the kids. Show him you are a strong woman and can live without him. Most important never bad mouth him in front of the kids!!!

HI L.,
It"s real easy to say you will change, and if your cerious then "change", you don't need him there so you can change. You know full well what you were doing to sabatage your relationship. If you gained weight "lose it" if the house was a mess "clean it" if you watch tv all the time n"turn it off" and start living life! He will be around now and then to see the kids if nothing else and if he "really" see's a change then "things could change".
go for it
W.

I went through the divorce thing myself. The best thing that got me through it is that I was honest with my daughter. Kids are smart don't sugar coat it to much or they will feel like you are lying. Let them comfort you when you are sad it will make them feel like they are helping. As far as marriage remember that you are who you are and he is who he is. Sometimes it is best to be apart other times not so much. If you two can evaluate the situation together you will end up making the best decision you and your kids. Follow your heart do what will make you happy. As my current boyfriend once told me your kids will never be happy unless you are happy.

First of all, I agree with most of the responses you've received, that you have to be there for your kids and be strong for them. It's ok to let them see you upset because that is how you are feeling and that is how they learn. You can just tell them that you are sad b/c you miss daddy. I have been through this kind of thing. My husband and I just got back together 2 months ago after a 6 month seperation. It was one of the hardest things I have been through in my life. I too felt like I knew that I was not being a good wife to him but I didn't know how to change. I didn't feel affection from him and he wasn't being the best husband either. I was on medication for anxiety/depression which changed who I was. I gained weight from it and became a more unhappy person than I was before I was on the medicine. I stopped taking it right before he left and considered taking it again but knew that 'I had to do this on my own'! I had to find ways to get through losing him and adjusting to life being our 5 year old daughter and me on our own. I could go on and on here, but let me tell you what eventually helped me.. I sat in my sorrows and was in deep depression for three months until one day I feel like I literally took a step back and saw myself laying there, so unhappy, so helpless, so miserable... I did not like who I was, SO... I picked myself up off of the floor and I changed. I told him that he needed to start keeping our daughter every other weekend so I could have my time. (He had moved within 10 minutes of our home so he was still picking our daughter up in the mornings and taking her to school and bringing her home in the evenings and he would come see her on the weekends, just hadn't kept her all weekend.) I started going out with some girlfriends and making guy friends. I kept my relationship with God and I put it all in His hands and I let go.. I let Him handle things and I asked him to send me signs on what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to be and who with. During this time, I lost weight, I became a happier, more fun person to be around. My husband starting seeing these changes and realized that I was "moving on" and finally he told me that he didn't like it! He couldn't stand to see me going out, making new friends, even going on a few dates! It took a while, but we were able to talk and came to an agreement to get back together and to work on things. It has not been the easiest, but with work and effort from both of us... Things are getting better!
Just know that you are not alone and there are people you can talk to. There are alot of churches with free or affordable counseling that you can go to. My husband and I were going together before he left. After he moved out, I continued to go on my own, he even went a few times on his own and I believe it did help me.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Be strong, hang in there and pick your head up! May God Bless!!!

L., I just got through a 3 year divorce after a 15 year marriage. As someone told me at the beginning, it takes TWO to make a marriage work. No matter how bad you may want it, if he doesn't it won't work. I would recommend that a minimum you start looking around for a good divorce attorney, one that you fill comfortable with and understand your options. Hopefully you can do it as peaceful as possible. It is difficult at times, but you need to rely on friends, family and faith that you can do it. Remember the kids and don't be afraid to LOVE yourself. Good Luck! C.

It sounds like you want to take all of the responsibility for this situation. Unless you purposely did something completely flat out wrong, you need to quit blaming yourself. Just because he is unhappy, it doesn't mean you need to fix that. Don't beg. He is being selfish. First of all, pray. Next, surround yourself with a support system. Then look for counseling and read the BIBLE and books. The internet offers great insight. Be patient. Learn that you cannot force someone else think or feel differently. Always (I mean always) be there for your kids. If he should decide that he absolutely wants to be apart, let him go. Ensure that you he remains financially resposible through the courts etc. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you. You are not alone.

Divorce really stinks! If he doesn't want to work it out then you really have to let him go. If you try to hang on then it just pushes him away even more. It sounds like you need time to heal and become strong again. You are going to have 2 kids that really need you! If you can let him have time with the kids on the weekends you should so that you can start to regroup. Take the time to come up with a plan for yourself. Good Luck! Oh and lean on your friends and family right now. You can always use support.

Prayer, girl. Prayer and when you think you can't pray anymore, pray some more. Jesus himself went to the Lord in prayer for everthing. My husband and I were in a similar sitution. When I turned my life over to God, things started changing in my life. Then in my kids life. FInally after an 18 mo seperation, and divorce 6 days away, he gave his heart to God and was saved. Boy did he mean it. God can change things in the blink of an eye or it can take 18 months. :) Point being, when he gave his life to God he changed. We were 6 days away from our final divorce date when I asked him to move back home so we could fix our marriage.

Don't let the kids see you hurting. Give that hurt to God. If you need help doing that I am here for you go guide you or just listen. If you want to chat personally, my email is ____@____.com

He has made his mind up it seems so you just have to get it together for your kids and you can do it YOU CAN there your BABYS suck it up life sucks take care of them then at nite after there in bed then you can fall apart,but this hard on them too they need you more now than ever be the mom I KNOW you can be
L.

I don't know if you are a spiritual women but the only way I got through rough times was to pray for him. Get the book The Power of a Praying Wife. It not only helps him but it also helps for you as well. Pray for God's will to happen and your husband's heart to be softened. Your prayers may not be answered in the way you believe they should but if you let God work doors that you would have never dreamed will open.

First of all you need to see a christian marriage counselor and your ob/gyn to see why you were not affectionate and solve those problems. No matter if he comes back you need to see what's up with you. This is serious! Why have him back and you're really not interested in making love to him. He suffers and you too, because you're not sure why you are feeling this way.

You can have a medical condition. Then after the doctor and the counselor has helped you then you both can start seeing the counselor together if it's not too late, you marriage may be saved. Check on moma first and let life flow the best direction for you and him and the children.

Pray a lot too. This is sure to help.

There may be more to his reasons for leaving than you are aware of at this point but that is of no consequence..
The point is, don't lay blame entirely on yourself. Divorces always have two sides of the story.

Marriages dissolve every day. It's sad for everyone involved in one way or another. But your children should never see you break down. They are depending on your for emotional support during this time of disruption in their lives. And you WILL survive.

Sit up, square your shoulders and begin making plans for yourself and your children. Do you work now? Do you have a skill? If not, maybe you'd like to go back to school. Yes, it's possible, even with children. I know someone who lived on her own from the age of 16 with one child while she graduated in the top 10% of HIGH SCHOOL, then went straight on into college. A second child was born, but she graduated in 4 years anyway. There are many programs available to help with living expenses, housing and child care. You just have to look and ask.

L.,
I want to be supportive but the raw facts are these: When a man wants out, he wants out, for whatever reason that only he knows. Having gone through this type of heartache myself, the only thing I can advise you is to take care of your children first. You must be strong for them. It is easy to break down in front of them and it is extremely difficult for you to stay strong in their presence. Stay active with them. Play with them. Go to the park for walks with them, read to them, laugh with them. As time goes by you will realize what a treasure you have in those children. They can help you heal and move forward with your lives, just by being God's precious gifts to you. Just imagine how much more you would be hurting if you were by yourself with no one around close to you.
God Bless you and your children.

I have never been through this, but I know that if my husband ever requested a divorce from me, I would never sign the papers unless we went to counseling (it would have to be a Christian counselor) and at least tried to make things right. I think all marriages can be saved with a little help, and TONS of effort. maybe his reason for being unhappy has nothing to do with you at all. There may be something lying beneath the surface.
Good luck!!

Get some counseling, go to church. When he is ready he will come to you and you will know how to work on your relationsip. Maybe you can ask him to go to counseling as well. If he resists, don't push it. Good luck.

I am sorry you are going through this...a divorce is like going through the death of a loved one, so I have been told. Have you talked to your husband about counselling. It is very clear that you have some issues to work out. Maybe if you start seeing someone and your husband sees that there is more than just talk, he will reconsider. Get a sitter and go on a date so you can really talk. Men don't often realize how bad things are for Mothers, how tired we get, how unsexy we feel and how difficult it is to make men feel special with all of the responsibilities we have in other areas. I wonder if your husband has found someone else to fill his emotional needs. Either way, is your marriage is worth fighting for or are you just upset right now? If so, fight...not in a psycho-stalker way, just in a reasonable, change-for-the-better way. If all of your best efforts fail, just chalk it up to "It wasn't all your fault after all" and do your best to move forward with your life. Good Luck and God Bless.

L.,
You did nothing wrong. He may come to his senses while he is living with Mom and Dad and come back to you. It is not healthy for the children to have Mom and Dad fighting all the time or to have Dad coming in and out of their lives. So If he does want to come home to you and the children, make seeing a marriage counselor a condition to return to the house. It may or may not help. Remember this much, the only person you can change is yourself!!!! And, IF the counseling fails. . . . be strong . . . Trust me, there is life after divorce and you will be fine.

If you live close to the Woodlands , There is a Church i go to Called Fellowship of the Woodlands that has Class called Divorce Care. I went to it when i was going thru my divorce and it helped me alot.
Check it out at fotw.org. God Bless!!!!