Just Need to Talk....

I really like what most everyone else had to say. I know I've felt taken advantage of or attention deprived at one point or another in my 12 year marriage. My husband is not the romantic type at all, and I accept him the way he is. If I want romance, I know I have to provide it or ask for it. Husband is pretty good once I've asked for it.

If you feel like you're being ignored, then you are. I don't like that your husband disregards your feelings. You feel what you feel. Can you talk about a solution together? What would make you happy? If you need some one on one time - then arrange it.

Before you talk to your husband about this (and I think you should), have some solutions handy. Know what would make you happy - even if you have to make the arrangements yourself.

And about being demonstrative and affectionate - are you that way to your husband? Do you touch him often? If you go and hug your husband, does he hug you back? Or if you try to kiss him, does he turn away? If he spurns your affection (for lack of a better phrase), then I think something deeper is going on. Marital counseling may be in order here.

I hope things work out! Let us know how it goes.

It sounds like there are bigger issues. I'm not sure how old you are but it seems like anyone I know, including myself who got married before the age of 27 is now divorced. I think when people get married too young they grow up and usually apart. I am remarried and much happier now. Unfortunately reading your post sounds alot like I used to and as you probably know you can't change people. If you can I would try to go see a therapist and I don't mean you two together, I mean you by yourself. I think you need to evaluate what you want and clear your head. If you are truly unhappy you need to make some serious decisions. You do not want to waste the next 10 or 20 years and look back, regretting that you put up with this. Definitely don't rush to anything but you should take time and figure things out. Although everyone hits rough patches or has fights, this sounds like alot more. Good luck and seriously think about going to talk to someone. Leave friends and family out of it, as they will have a biased opinion and can cause further problems. You need an outside, unbiased opinion to really figure out what you want for the future.

I think you need to talk to him about your feelings and your need for intimacy and foremost affection. Your daughter will get to an age where she will see the way your husband treats you and she will start treating you the same way. Maybe suggest counseling for the two of you and see what how he reacts to that, if he doesn't go for it do it for yourself if only to make yourself stronger to make a decision based on his actions.

Hi, I concur with Ellen. The 5 Love Languages is an amazing book. But you have to be really open to its content. I also suggest, prayer and asking God to just come into your marriage and work on this for you. He is bigger than any problem. Also, I suggest therapy. You sound like you are trying so hard, and sometimes we need a coach to cheer us on and also listen to what we are saying. You sound like a normal woman who is not crazy. Most men do not like to talk. The men who do, are amazing, the ones that don't, aren't bad,they are just mimicking their own fathers, it's learned behavior unfortunately.

My husband is not a talker/communicator but after reading Five Love Languages and prayer, I know he loves me and we get thru difficult times with humor,laughter and prayer. That too was learned behavior.

Best wishes and blessings.

I'm not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but according to the bible when you and your husband got married you made a covenant to God. That covenant can be called a covenant of companionship. A wife should never feel lonely and neither should a husband. You have to be able to communicate the way that you feel at the appropriate time. Timing is everything. Set aside a time when you and your husband can sit down by yourselves and have a heart to heart discussion about your concerns in the marriage and his.
1. Pray first about your entire situation, and ask God to prepare your husbands heart to recieve what you have to say with love and understanding.
2. Carefully choose words that express your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
3. Think before you speak. (James 1:19: let every person be quick to hear, sl0w to speak, slow to anger.)
4. Determine what you want to say and when to say it.
5. Not everything you are feeling needs to be expressed. Sometimes silence is best. (Proverbs 10:19: When there are many words, transgression (sin) is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.)
6. Ask to make sure you are being understood.
7. Speak in a way that encourages.

This information that I just gave you came straight from a study guide on communication that was used during a marriage conference that my husband and I attended in April. Communication is key, and you just have to find a way to communicate your concerns to your husband. If you decide to do this, please pray about it first. Prayer is very powerful. What ever you do don't leave God out of this. If you want to save your marriage, you will have to place God in the center of it. After all God is the one who ordained marriage, and the covenant that you made was with Him. I will pray for you and your husband.

God bless,

A concerned mother

Hi M., since he doesn't want to talk, try writing a letter to him and let him know how you feel. Don't leave anything out. I would ask him if he is unhappy with your marriage. Ask if he is willing to go to a marriage counselor. I am not for divorce, but if he is not willing to do everything to save the marriage, then you have to think about you and your daughter. You can not be any good for your daughter if you're unhappy. She will pick up on it, if she hasn't already. SHE is your FIRST priority. I had to leave my husband of 15 years, with 4 small children (all grade school age), because he wouldn't listen to me and according to him...I'm the one that had the problem. I know I wasn't being a good mother, because I was always sad & unhappy. Leaving was hard, but the BEST thing I could have done. My youngest is 17 now and they tell me all the time, that they are happy that I left and didn't know why I stayed as long as I did. They love their dad and he stayed involved in their lives. We get along so much better as friends than husband & wife. So, give the letter a try and see what happens. I'll keep you in my prayers.

First I will ask two very tough questions,

Do you love him? Not just put up with, like, feel obligated to, do you love him?

Do you feel he loves you?

Once you have given some thought to these questions, if yes then move onto...

Do you feel safe?
Do you feel truly cared for(not just financially), but emotionally?
Do you feel you are a better person for having been with him(not because of a child), but a better person. He makes you want to do well at whatever you do and encourages you to do things for you as well as others.

Do you work, go to school , do special things for yourself?
Does he "allow it"? does he encourage it?

Write down answers to these questions and sit down and talk to him.

If you don't feel you can sit down and talk to him, why?

If he won't talk, talk to a counselor or friend, or pastor yourself.

If you don't want to pursue other avenues or don't feel it would be worth it. It may be that you have found your answer and would be better off alone. It is okay to admit that a marriage is over, especially if you have a child. Because if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Let me know if you need to talk, vent more.

Married Mom of 3, with a previous marriage.

The best advise I can offer you is for you togosee a counselor. I had similar problems abour 7ish years ago. I first saw a counselor myself so I could get my head together and present my case for unhappy/dissatisfaction in a non-"crazy" manner. After I could do that and knew what I wanted, we went and saw a marriage counselor together. Through a lot of work we got our marriage together and am now in the happiest time of my life with him and our 2 daughters (age 1 and 4). The marriage counselor was in New Lenox (I think she had an office in Tinley Park too). If you would like her name just let me know. She was awesome and I've sent other couples to her as well. Good luck.

If you are asking the question...then NO it's not too late. Do you and your husband take time out for yourself? My sister has the greatest marriage and her advise has always been to make time for each other. She now has 5 grown children and (almost) 2 grandchildren. Been married for 32 years and has had a standing Thursday date night for at least 20 of those years - whether they can only take two hours by themselves or a whole night. Catch a movie, dinner, even walking on a trail. Also, there is a great book and a quick read that I bought years ago....The 5 love languages (the purple cover) (google it, go to a bookstore or find it on AMAZON.COM) There are several additions. If you only buy it for the quiz, it's a fun date night conversation. Everybody perceives love differently, some in (1) giving/receiving gifts, others in (2) affirmation ("My you look nice today"!), (3) quality time or just spending time together (4) service ("making something special for dinner, fixing something around the house") and (5) physical touch. When yours is different than his - you may not recognize that he is showing you love. I gave my husband the quiz years ago. Was very enlightening. My husband is very service oriented while I just want that hour to spend with him - he buys flowers "for the house" every week; I just want a kiss hello! By recognizing what he does for me, he recognizes that I just want to hang out with him. Being jealous of your little one can happen - it's so easy to see them get affection - why can't he turn that around and be so kind to me when I do....this...and this...and this.....(i.e.you may thrive on the "physical touch" of the love languages - I am such a "quality time" person!) Young kids in your life can be such a blessing but life can be stressful too. Sounds like you like your life - just in a bit of a rut - that happens. Best of luck to you and Happy 4th of July (My favorite holiday to spend quality time with my family!)